My youngest daughter will be going to college in September. My other daughter went to tech and lived at home so there wasn’t any getting ready to live away from home. Now days it’s a lot different than when I went to college. It seems like I have made all the lists, looked up prices of stuff, shopped the sales etc. so my daughter has some nice (not exspensive) stuff for her freshman year. I was just wondering if I am the only mother who seems to care about the getting ready more than my daughter. And how much should the d be responsible for the getting ready part.
It’s up to you. If you like doing it, go ahead. If you think she should do it and doesn’t, she’ll get to school without any books pre-ordered, no supplies, not enough socks and underwear.
I did a lot of it for both my kids but that’s because we were packing up the house and needed to sort to ‘storage’ or ‘college’ or ‘toss.’ This year, year two, I’m not doing much at all. I got the return ticket for one DD, and the other one is putting everything off until she comes back from camp, so I too am putting it all off. She called today to see if I’d checked her FA and gee no, I haven’t.
I don’t think this is a matter of “should” or “shouldn’t.” Every family is different.
When my daughter went away to college, she chose all her own stuff. My only role was to fork over the credit card. But on the other hand, we had extensive and detailed conversations about her freshman year course selections (which other people here might argue were none of my business).
It sounds as though you are a skillful shopper, and it also sounds like your daughter doesn’t care much about what she brings to school (or is uncertain about what to bring). So the family has probably saved money by having you take charge of this aspect of getting ready for college.
I wouldn’t worry about it unless you feel that it’s too much of a burden on you.
Is your D showing signs of looking forward to going away in other ways??? Does she just not like to shop? Or is this a sign of something else - avoiding the thought of going, not realizing she will need “stuff” since her sister didn’t go away, etc.???
Agreeing with Marian- it’s as much temperament as anything- and if yours are anything like mine, it hasn’t changed much over time! The ones who always liked back-to-school season, or like planning & organizing do it- and the others don’t.
The only other thing is that some kids get a bit anxious in the run up to the transition- it has been Such.A.Big.Deal. for the last year or more of their life- and now it’s really here. If this is a kid who would usually be taking this on, it may be that it is just getting uncomfortably real and not dealing with the shopping is also not dealing with the reality.
It’s worth saying to your D if it seems to fit that absolutely every single first year is anxious to some degree- no matter how cool they seem on the outside.
One of the highlights of move-in day with D2 followed some of the lowlights: she was wound so tightly that she was all but impossible to deal with. As we worked our way through the day I started noticing the same sharp whispered conversations and looks between other students and their parents. As a batch of parents headed out I made some comment about the joys of dealing with a stressed child and every parent around jumped in with some variant of ‘omg- yes!!’.
It is also amazing how quickly things settle down after the parents leave. D2’s college had parents weekend for first year students just about a month later. We went to it, and it was a changed person we met. She was relaxed, happy, confident, loved knowing ‘her’ place better than we did, being the one ‘in charge’, etc. We ran into a few of the other parents from her dorm again, and they found the same thing.
I think it depends on the family and the child. Depending on their experiences, some 18 year olds have a better awareness of how to set up their living space and what they need than others. I saw it as a teaching experience. We went shopping/ordered online, and she picked out what she needed for some items, and others, just didn’t care so I picked them out when I was shopping.Since I have purchased items like sheets and towels for my family in the past, I knew where to get the favorite brands/items better than my kids did. Shopping together was a way for her to learn how and where to get items at home that she didn’t have to purchase on her own.
Personal life and choices were entirely her domain. She found her room mate and communicated with her on her own, met with her adviser, picked her classes, bought books. By college, she knew how to do laundry, cook simple meals, and clean. I felt that these kinds of tasks were more important for her to do on her own than how she got her towels, pillows, or storage items. Since she was particular about what colors to pick out, and what she liked, she went with me, but if she had not been, I would have just picked them out. I think the stress of starting college, meeting new people, learning to register for classes is significant, and they can be more focused on that than getting the things they will need in college.
It’s a similar question to “How much should a parent help with the college application process?”
My response would be, at least enough to prevent a disaster, but preferably enough so that your kid ends up in a comfortable situation from which to go forth in life. What that looks like depends on the kid. 
Some kids don’t even seem to realize that they will value a comfortable place to sleep, clothes that enable them to function in a variety of weathers and situations, and the ability to at least occasionally wash things. Others are into extensive lists, decorating schemes, and totally over the top packing and buying. A lot of kids don’t realize that the home comforts they take for granted won’t magically be there. Many of us mothers want to make sure our fledgeling has a comfortable nest.
I think most kids end up taking far too much freshman year. If your D has adequate linens/pillows/covers for the climate, a window fan if there is no AC, an extension cord/surge protector, and clothes suitable to the first couple months in whatever climate she’s going to (if it’s cool, simple layers!) and whatever level of socializing she’s intending to do (all bets are off if we’re talking sorority rush!), she should be fine and can acquire anything she needs later.
The one thing I always insisted on when moving S into a place was making up the bed before we left. If nothing else, he would have a relatively comfortable place to sleep the first night.
Minimum, I guess I would make sure they have bedding (most dorm twins are XL long), a towel, whatever they think they need to deal with a possible bathroom down the hall, and clothes/shoes appropriate for the weather. Maybe you could give her a list and tell her to let you know at least 2 weeks before departing if she needs you to help her get something. There is an A-Z list out here you could search for that is more than thorough.
I like doing stuff like that. So I did. They gradually took over.
My parents did zilch, and I did near zilch to get ready for college. But I was only 2 hours away.
If your daughter is more than 2 hours away, I’d help her as much as you see fit. If she is closer to home, and you can get her home if she needs it or she can take a bus or train home, I would be more hands’ off.
Nothing makes me laugh more than a parent who is over-preparing for a child going to college 30 minutes away, just because they will be in a dorm room.
Our S was interested in cotton flannel sheets for his dorm bed, so when I saw them in XL twin at great price online, I bought 2 sets. I also assembled him a desk kit with the things he seemed to like from my desk (sharpie, tape of various types, small stapler and staples, envelopes & postage stamps, scissors, multi tool, etc.)
He attended school a 5-hour plane ride away. After we took him to school, we took him to Target, Costco, Frye’s and Office Depot to get anything else needed. When D attended same U 5 semesters later, S gave her lots of his stuff and we took her to get whatever else she needed when she moved in.
My daughter is very smart and capable of so much .But,she wants to wait until right before. I am a planner and would like to have it done ahead of time vs. being rushed. We are a one income family so money is an issue. I have to look around for best prices etc. I have made lists of the not so obvious things and storage things since there isn’t any or very little and tried to get her excited. She works a lot so when she has free time she spends it with her boyfriend, or doing something else rather tan doing some things to get ready… Her roommate doesn’t have much parental support so I am sending a lot of the stuff that is shared in a room vs. not having it.
I am doing a lot for several reasons: I want to spread costs over time and take advantage of sales. Some things I want to ship to school and they start accepting packages August 1st, DS has no particular preference about some things so doesn’t know where to start looking, the more stuff gets handled early the less stressed I will be when we get there, there are serious logistics in getting a kid across the country with personals and instruments. With kid #2 I am going leaner in terms of how much stuff. We sent DD with too much. I do want to have sheets washed ahead, and other necessities set. He is taking pillow cases and towels from home, sheets and comforter are procured and washed and getting carted across the country, mattress pad is being shipped with a few other things and pillows will be purchased once we get there. He has most of his “school supplies” out of existing stock but I tacked a few items on to a Target order that is being shipped to school so I don’t even have to think about that category of stuff when we get there. (6 hour plane ride away)
pjgertz, the best answer to little storage is to take less.
What, exactly, do you mean by “a lot of the stuff that is shared in a room”?
I don’t think there is a whole lot of sharing.
Both of my kids lived in doubles. The only things my son shared with his roommate were a refrigerator and a TV. In my daughter’s case, it was only the refrigerator; they didn’t have a TV.
Sometimes a rug is shared. Sometimes beds are bunked or lofted and a futon is shared. Fridges are usually shared. There could be more depending on the room and roommates involved.
There may be people who share a clothed drying rack or portable ironing board or swiffer, etc. Not my kids . . . but those kids might exist out there.
IMO, if it is my $$$ being spent on the dorm supplies, I DO get some say in when the shopping occurs - especially to take advantage of sales, variety, etc. Waiting till the night before is a disaster in the making (again, my opinion!) and I would tell my child that I am NOT willing to put myself in that tight a situation of last minute shopping. So I would say “find another night, preferably in the next 10 days that we can make it happen - one night - and then the rest are your nights to hang out with whoever!”
I think all my parents bought me was a set of sheets. I went and bought a set of luggage and that was about it. Looking back on it now, it’s hilarious that I didn’t even have a backpack! I had to buy a really crappy cheap one from the bookstore, but ended up using it all four years. I even had to buy sweatshirts from the bookstore when winter hit because I had no warm clothes
Anyway every kid and family is different. I was independent because my parents were from the “survival of the fittest” school of parenting, but it worked out fine. Do what you and your kid think is best, but don’t feel obligated to overdo it. They’re all growed up now, they’ll survive. And they even have the Internet and Amazon now to get whatever they need.
I’ll add one suggestion. I too like to shop and wanted to get the best deal on what my kids took to college. My daughter was of the same mind and we often shopped together for her. When it was my son’s turn he had little interest so his sister and I bought most of his stuff. I realized when he came home that some of the stuff we bought for him was never touched because he didn’t realize he had it, or maybe he saw it and didn’t want it. I was not happy that I wasted that money so with child #3, we bought just the basics - and tried to encourage him to take the stuff that his brother had not touched!