<p>Somemom, for special events – weddings, graduations, First Communions – I just give the nicest gift I can afford, even if I know it won’t be reciprocated to my kids. I feel that I am giving the gift to the niece, nephew, friend’s child or whatever, and don’t want to diminish my relationship with the young person. Christmas and birthdays, we just exchange with some family members but not others, and that seems to work for everyone.</p>
<p>I just received a welcome card in the mail for a gift that I had mailed out to a couple who got married in MN. They were married in July but were moving back to PA in September so they requested that any gifts be mailed to their parents house here so they wouldn’t have to lug them all back with them on the plane… so even though I sent their gift in July they just got to opening it a few weeks ago. I sent them a big set of pyrex dishes from their registry.</p>
<p>The thank you card was really nice - it has one of their wedding pictures on the front and on the inside was a little note that said “Thank you for the pyrex dishes, we look forward to having you over for the brownies that we will be making in them. We’re both very sorry you couldn’t make it out to MN for the wedding. We hope to see you guys soon.”</p>
<p>I thought it was really cute, because I can just imagine them inviting us out for brownies - they are so like that. They are living out in York where I went to school so it is about a two hour trip. They are staying with his parents for a little bit while looking to buy a house in the Maryland/DC area.</p>
<p>somemom,
I’m pretty sure that “score keepers” send the same gift that they receive from people, so if I send my sister’s D a fifty dollar gift for her wedding, when my D gets married, she’ll send a fifty dollar gift. Whatever. We have a HUGE family and live 1200 miles from our nearest relative. If people even show up at my kid’s weddings I’ll be thrilled. A wedding is an occasion to share in a joyous event and I think that it’s absurd to EXPECT anything from guest.</p>
<p>From the Emily Post Institute
“How much should I spend?”
Answer:“There is no rule, so it is entirely up to you. Let your affection for the bride and groom and your budget be your guide.”</p>
<p>Sounds good to me. You shouldn’t throw a wedding you can’t afford. You should give a gift as you see fit and not to help cover the cost of the party.
Chances are the bride and groom aren’t even paying for the wedding!</p>
<p>Sarahsmom~
We are in a similar situation - live far from the bulk of the relatives and wonder if anyone will bother to show up for the (hopefully someday) weddings. We make every effort to travel and attend weddings back in the home state, often at considerable cost and inconvenience.</p>
<p>We are always generous with the relatives and do not base our gifts on what we receive. It would be impossible to keep any sort of score, as whenever our children have a significant life event, they all chip in together and send a check, so impossible to know what each individual gives. But when you do the math, it’s significantly less than what we reciprocate as individuals.</p>
<p>My sister is a scorekeeper, and it just seems petty. If I send her children a check for $xx, she will send mine exactly the same. If I send a gift cert for a certain store, she will send exactly the same. It’s almost become a game, and I try to keep her off balance by sending a different amount or from a different store each time.</p>
<p>I remember when I got married - my mother wanted to know exactly what each relative gave me - she also was a scorekeeper. I find I sleep a lot better by just gifting the same amount for each occasion no matter the size of the ceremony or what they or their parents have given to us in the past. Just write the check and move on to other things.</p>
<p>Anymom-
I remember too, when I got married, that my m-i-l wanted to know what everyone gave us (especially if it was $$-- she wanted to know how much). I felt really weird about it, so I dont think I shared that with her. I was probably more open with my mother, but I think that is understandible. Now, as an old geezer, I can understand what my m-i-l was feeling (I have boys and will probably be out of that loop, when the time comes).</p>
<p>The son of some old family friends (my parents were close with there parents and we have grown up together) announced his engagement last summer. They have sent out a “save the date” card for a March wedding. I asked (in Sept) where they were registered (BB&B) and send a very nice gift (one of the most expensive) off their registry list to them. It arrived probably a month ago, but they just opened it, as the fiancee goes to school out of town. So, here’s a challenge. I spent about $150 on the gift, and was thinking it is a wedding gift (no engagement parties are organized that I know of) but I sent it very early. Will I need to send another gift closer to the wedding?? The card I had enclosed didnt specify WEDDING-- I think I just wrote “congratulations and best of luck” or something generic. Dumb, in retrospect, but I wasnt specific. I figured if I am invited to a shower (not sure if I will or not) I’ll bring another nice, reasonably priced gift. So, not meaning ot hijack the OPs thread, but what are ballpark range prices to be spent on an engagement gift vs a wedding gift? These are not fancy extravagant people who will be throwing big, lavish parties. They are sweet, down-to-earth people (I dont know the brides side, this is a description of the groom’s side). Thoughts?</p>
<p>JYM - I think you’re fine, and they really would not expect another gift. Especially since you called and asked about the registry and it was already available - the gift you sent was obviously an early wedding gift.</p>
<p>One suggestion I have for anyone who is short of cash but wants to give a nice gift - find something that is “priceless” or one of a kind. In our early days, we often gave pieces from local artisans - like signed prints for the bathroom or hand-crafted kitchen accessories. Beautiful handmade Christmas or holiday ornaments are especially appreciated and can become family heirlooms - noone thinks of gifting these. Wrap beautifully with a nice card - “Wanted to get something unique for a special couple, etc.”</p>
<p>“JYM - I think you’re fine, and they really would not expect another gift. Especially since you called and asked about the registry and it was already available - the gift you sent was obviously an early wedding gift.” </p>
<p>I think it depends on where you live. Here’abouts, that would be seen as the engagement gift, next would be the shower gift (generally people who will be invited to the wedding get invited to the shower), and finally a cash gift at the wedding. In my area, I don’t know anyone who would view something sent that early as a wedding gift. More’s the pity.</p>
<p>I guess I can wait to see what the “thank you” note says. If it says “thank you for the wedding gift” I am in one sitution. If it says “thank you for the engagement present” I am in another. I like the “priceless” idea, if I get another gift. Of course, I have to hope their taste and mine are the same, or it might be re-gifted!</p>
<p>Zooser: I’ve never heard of engagement gifts - must be a regional thing? Or else I’ve had my head in the sand? Where I come from, it’s always been shower gifts and wedding gifts.</p>
<p>“Zooser: I’ve never heard of engagement gifts - must be a regional thing? Or else I’ve had my head in the sand? Where I come from, it’s always been shower gifts and wedding gifts.”</p>
<p>Here in the NY Metro area, engagement gifts are very common to expected. Which annoys me to no end.</p>
<p>ZM, I’m staying upstate. The thought of an engagement gift makes me want to puke. What great thing have they done to earn it (graduation)? What expensive new responsibility does it entail (new baby)? Have they yet set foot into the community and need to establish their own household (wedding)? </p>
<p>I’d write a nice email and that’s enough</p>
<p>I am originally from the metro NY area, and yes, engagement gifts were common. I cant believe its just a NY thing. I got engagement gifts when I was engaged, but they could have been from my parents friends in NY (don’t recall). Other regions–pipe in please.</p>
<p>Paying3, here’s the way it goes: engagement gift, shower gift, wedding gift, housewarming gift, baby shower gift, Christening gift, first birthday gift. All of those events are often held in catering halls with food, music and photo/videography. Now if the guest is in the wedding party, add in paying for the wedding attire, the bachelor/bachelorette party and so forth, and you can be in the several thousand dollar range.</p>
<p>Just say no.</p>
<p>Lorelei-I agree. My own family doesn’t expect engagement gifts, and I’d be danged if I’m gonna get guilted into them. But we’ve never followed the norm, and luckily most people we know don’t, either.</p>
<p>I don’t remember hearing much about engagement gifts in California.</p>
<p>my cousin and his fiancee had an engagement party a few months ago however I didn’t go and I didn’t send a gift… my aunt said not to. I did go to the bridal shower, at which point I gave her a photo album set which has one album for shower, one for wedding, one for reception, and one for honeymoon… or something like that.</p>