How Much Would Something Like This Fetch ? (SAT ESSAY)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
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<p>There’s a certain SAT-word Bingo feel to this latest essay. Which can certainly pay off, but it will pay off best if you are using those words accurately. In addition, there are signifcant structural and organizational problems. Together, these combine to undermine an essay that otherwise shows the writer to have the potential for a top-scoring performance.</p>

<p>Of particular concern is your use of “idealistic” in place of the word “ideal” from the prompt. They are not exact synonyms. While they are sufficiently synonymous for your intended meaning to be expressed, you run the risk of a hurried grader marking you down for deviating from the given prompt. The extra syllables you get from “idealistic” are not worth that risk. In addition, your usage of “induce” is incorrect. Perhaps you were looking for “introduce”; also, “inculcate” makes a fine bingo-word replacement worthy of memorization. </p>

<p>Structurally, you have three major issues: First, your opening paragraph introduces examples that are never explicated in the body of the essay, such as HDI and Newtonian Mechanics. Second, the “Know your audience” conclusion of paragraph three disrupts the unity of the paragraph, and would be best implemented as its own paragraph supporting the main argument with further explication. Third, and most damaging, the weight of your argument is unevenly distributed. You spend two paragraphs directly on the Malan example when one would suffice. Meanwhile, in the final body paragraph you introduce two new counter-examples (poetry and simple machines) and dismiss them without any exposition of how they can be considered “exceptions […] to be violated”. You also fail to introduce any new exemplary support for the “pro” side of your main argument, so the subsequent reference back to Malan leaves the essay’s entire argument precariously balanced on a single piece of evidence. </p>

<p>Ultimately, I believe a grader would be likely to forgive the minor vocabulary usage issues if the essay offered a stronger structure. I can easily envision a score of 10 or 11 for an essay with similar syntax and grammar but a more orderly presentation of the argument. I encourage you to experiment with devoting the first few minutes of an essay to outlining the structure your argument will follow. You have certainly improved meaningfully from the first essay you posted in this thread, and I believe that structural planning will pay you the the richest dividends in ascending to your next plateau.</p>

22

<p>Well it much improved but I have to confess that I struggle a bit with the logic of the main example. </p>

<p>‘Teach, pray and mark’ is seen as an Ideal approach? And what is Malan more pragmatic approach exactly- song and dance? interactive? I cant exactly tell if this is a good example or not. </p>

<p>You also have sprinkled in a number of proto-examples: HDI, Newtonian physics, debate aphorisms, poetry rules. I am not against the “name check” per se but given that your only real example was fairly cloudy it would have been nice if something like poetry conventions were developed into their own paragraph. </p>

<p>This kind of sentence should be cleaned up: “Throughout time and history, the practical outlook upon humans and human concepts, have been looked upon more favorably and have been considered more valuable.” </p>

<p>Feels 5-ish to me.</p>

23

<p>How much would something like this fetch? </p>

<p>Prompt: Envy can act as a motivation force for some people to improve their condition in life. On the other hand envy may be a self-destructing emotion because it may lead people to strive in vain of unattainable goals. </p>

<p>In your view, is envy a positive or a negative force in people’s lives? </p>

<p>Every human being unapologetically chooses his goals. He knows the limits he can exceed and therefore, no goal is unattainable, if he himself has chosen it. Similarly, this being can choose whom to envy and to what extent. But what he cannot do is, not envy at all. There is no choice in that matter. Envy is omnipresent, envy makes the world revolve and envy is good and all-righteous. </p>

<p>Fundamentally, the paradigm of “envy” has two sides- the one in which it benefits and the one in which it harms. But envy is merely an emotion and choosing the positive side side to the above paradigm is solely up to the human - and surprisingly enough, he tends to choose the positive effects.
Jordan Belfort, a motivational speaker and former Wall Street stock broker used to make a million dollars a week.
He did not go to Harvard Business School. In fact, it was his envy towards his wealthier Upper West Side neighbors that drove him to work hard enough , in order to resuscitate himself from the trance of poverty. One may argue that Belfort, landing himself up in prizon for 22 months due to tax fraud isn’t particularly a ‘positive effect’. However, the feeling of envy has no hand in the share - that was simply the sheer stupidity of a “now rich” man.</p>

<p>Taking a bit of leeway, let me share a personal experience. In High School’s junior year, I had a best friend. Our personalities however, were radically different. He was an “all - rounder” - excellent at sports, good with the teachers ,smooth and suave with the ladies, a born leader, prudent and studious, yet surprisingly, not pompous. Oh how I envied him! But alas, I couldn’t emulate him and I fell into a ditch of depression. However, being human, I soon picked myself out of the ditch and started envying someone else. </p>

<p>‘Envy’ , is extremely omnipresent - in fact , it is so omnipresent that there are more than enough examples to illustrate where it has been and how it has got there. But envy is good. Without it, the poor and wretched would remain so - and thus, neither a Wall Street broker nor a humble student can escape it.</p>