How Much Would Something Like This Fetch ? (SAT ESSAY)

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hey,
This is my first post on CC and I am really excited to receive feedback from it’s awesome members who would actually grade my essay without any kind of monetary implication on my part. (Suck it PrincetonReview !! ) So, how much do you think would this get on 12 ? </p>

<p>Assignment: Does questioning authority make a society stronger? </p>

<p>Response: </p>

<p>Remember when you were six years old? You used to obey everything your mom said.Every directive. You were the lovable son. Then, you grew up. You became eighteen and started rebelling. She was no longer supreme in your life, you had stronger powers to owe your allegiance to. So, you left your house, you went to a college and then you became a man.Then, you went back to her.</p>

<p>You see, I could give you many examples on how societal elements questioned authority to gain strength for the masses.I could tell you about the Russian civil revolts that ultimately led to the fall of the USSR. I could tell you about Mahatma Gandhi, who did weaponless peace protests in order to overthrow a determined British Empire in India. </p>

<p>If I could take a little leeway from politics, I could also tell you about the Beat Generation authors like Allen Ginsberg. Ginsberg challenged restrictions on poetry and questioned American society on it’s racism and homophobic nature, way back in 1957.</p>

<p>I could go on, but I won’t.
I want to remind you of your next-door neighbor , Bill. Bill is 17 going onto 18. Bill is a wallflower. He is sidelined at school dances; he talks very less and he doesn’t even have two friends to rub together. If he ever opened up, you would think he is really intelligent.
So when Bill realized he is turning 18, he started to revolt. He revolted against his own introvert metal faculties. And soon enough, he had some friends and began to ‘participate’.
I think he became stronger. </p>

<p>Society is you.
What if the Russians hadn’t revolted? Gandhi just sat at his home, making cloth and Bill decided to remain a wallflower?<br>
You see, in the “endless circle of life”, as long as you are at the periphery, you are all right.
But as soon as you stop revolting, questioning and believing, you start tending towards the vortex.
As soon as you reach the vortex, it’s all over.
And the implications of that? Infinite.</p>

<p>I would appreciate any kind of feedback on this. Thanks for the help. I am also sorry if there are any mistakes in the response. I was kind of on ecstasy while typing it out.</p>

2

<p>Score of 6
An essay in this category demonstrates clear and consistent mastery, although it may have a few minor errors. A typical essay:</p>

<p>1) Effectively and insightfully develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates outstanding critical thinking, using clearly appropriate examples, reasons, and other evidence to support its position
2) Is well organized and clearly focused, demonstrating clear coherence and smooth progression of ideas
3) Exhibits skillful use of language, using a varied, accurate, and apt vocabulary
4) Demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure
5) Is free of most errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics</p>

<p>vs.</p>

<p>Score of 5
An essay in this category demonstrates reasonably consistent mastery, although it will have occasional errors or lapses in quality. A typical essay:</p>

<p>1) Effectively develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates strong critical thinking, generally using appropriate examples, reasons, and other evidence to support its position
2) Is well organized and focused, demonstrating coherence and progression of ideas
3) Exhibits facility in the use of language, using appropriate vocabulary
4) Demonstrates variety in sentence structure
5) Is generally free of most errors in grammar, usage, and mechanics</p>

<p>I’m not even sure what this would get from a reader, but I’ll give some suggestions.</p>

<ol>
<li>You need to CLEARLY communicate your thesis in your introductory paragraph. You should tell the that questioning authority strengthens society and if we don’t it will be detrimental.</li>
<li>1st paragraph - change “man” and “son” to something more general; the reader needs to be able to relate if you insist on the use of “you.”</li>
<li>I would take out “you had stronger powers to owe your allegiance to.” You never outline these allegiances and it doesn’t add much IMO, unless I’m missing something. </li>
<li>2nd paragraph - take out “You see.” It should be evident to the reader what he/she can see.</li>
<li>Change all the “could’s” to “can’s”. </li>
</ol>

<p>I can give you many examples on how societal elements questioned authority to gain strength for the masses.I can tell you about the Russian civil revolts that ultimately led to the fall of the USSR. [Insert a bit more detail]. I can tell you about Mahatma Gandhi, who did weaponless peace protests in order to overthrow a determined British Empire in India. [Insert a bit more detail]. I can go on, but I won’t.</p>

<ol>
<li>End of paragraph 3 - just put “He became stronger.” “I think” statements are the same as regular statements but weaker. </li>
<li>“Society is you.” I would put this at the very end and tie it back in to the thesis, restating your concrete examples (Gandhi/USSR/Bill). This would act as your conclusion. A clear conclusion wrapping up everything you’ve talked about is what the readers are looking for. “Society is Gandhi, Bill, the revolting Russians, and you. Society is us. When we question authority we grow stronger as a whole; however, when we don’t, we swirl faster and faster in the vortex.”</li>
<li>I would clearly define what you mean by the vortex in paragraph 4, and what happens when you reach it (loss of power/strength). By doing that, you can relate back to the vortex in your conclusion without having to define what it is.</li>
</ol>

<p>This would be the outline of the essay.</p>

<p>1st paragraph: introduction with good hook/clear thesis.
2nd paragraph: gandhi and USSR.
3rd paragraph: bill
4th paragraph: what happens if x,y,z don’t question authority? vortex and explain what vortex is.
5th paragraph: concise conclusion</p>

<p>I don’t know if I slaughtered it or not. Your writing style is different than any of the other essays I’ve read here. An important thing to remember is that they are reading these VERY quickly, so writing your thesis/examples/conclusion w/ clarity will really help your score.</p>

3

<p>Wow Elvis, I thought you gave the essay a score of 6 (your first line out of context, my bad). Then you correctly point out all the flaws. Until I reread it I was wondering how you could give it a 6. </p>

<p>Anyway, Rish you do have some writing skill and an interesting approach. I want to reiterate from Elvis though, that this type of creative writing is risky when a reader is giving your essay a max of 2 minutes. Follow Elvis’ advice and you will actually earn that score of 6.</p>

4

<p>At least it’s different. In some ways, that’s a good thing.</p>

<p>Nonetheless, although (believe me) the readers are usually relieved to see an attempt at style and voice, there are conventions to which you must adhere:</p>

<p>You need to avoid first-person (at least in the way it’s used here).</p>

<p>Second-person (“you”) is a pretty serious no-no.</p>

<p>Furthermore, your tone is a little too informal and conversational.</p>

<p>As interesting as this is at times, it dances around the question rather than answering it.</p>

5

<p>

</p>

<p>A reader will give an essay all the time and attention it warrants. Many can be scored in one minute; some require up to ten minutes.</p>

<p>I just want to clarify that there’s no “max” here.</p>

6

<p>I agree that the strong voice here is refreshing. However, your essay is diminished by grammatical errors, awkward reliance on the second person point of view, and a habit of “example dropping” without incorporating the examples fully into a structured argument. </p>

<p>Also, Bill as he is described is a particularly weak example. You show him questioning his own introversion, not any kind of societal authority. There’s the potential to make a sophisticated argument there, if you link his inner moral authority to the societal context that formed it. But you only get credit for that kind of sophistication if you explicitly make the connections and support them with clear language and solid thinking. </p>

<p>I’d love to see what you can do to retain the healthy infusion of individual personality, while building a strong core argument. Right now, the entire essay feels like a lengthy thesis statement.</p>

7

<p>Thank you all , especially Elvis for your insight. I never seem to really fit into restricted norms of society or anything for that matter. Alright, so as it’s stands , I kind of think that this is “un-gradable” ( or less than a 1). </p>

<p>So, I will take the advice, a return with a revised version within the next few hours. Keep watching this space.</p>

8

<p>

</p>

<p>I can tell. This is good. Your thread title made me laugh as did your admonition to “keep watching this space.”</p>

<p>Here’s a slightly more conventional translation of the first couple sentences of your essay:</p>

<p>At age six, a child obeys his parents’ every directive. Eventually, as he grows and matures, he begins to rebel. </p>

<p>I think I detect some real insights hidden in your paper. However, you can’t afford to force your reader to dig too deep for them. Many of the readers aren’t as bright as you appear to be—even with effort they might not uncover the good stuff.</p>

<p>You’ve gotta play it straight…or at least a little straighter.</p>

<p>If this were a painting contest, you’d be Jackson Pollock. Most readers are more on the Andrew Wyeth level. </p>

<p>Obviously I’ll be busy most of today and tonight, but when I get a chance I will indeed “watch this space.”</p>

9

<p>I feel like I got a contact high reading this. </p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Oh, well then. </p>

<p>I could tell you to focus on a couple of reasons and concentrate your examples on demonstrating why those reasons are valid. I could mention that you gave 12 reasons, many of them drifting away from the vortex of the prompt. I could impart that the Russian saying about tanks- that quantity has a quality all its own- doesnt not apply at the College Board. </p>

<p>Remember when you were in English class and the teacher said to make sure the Conclusion reenforced your Thesis? You were playing with the lid of your pudding cup at the time waiting for the bell and wondering if Bill was a cutter, but you resolved to yourself that if the time came you would play for the green instead of trying to hit a bank shot off the windmill at the next hole.</p>

10

<p>Okay, how about this — </p>

<p>At age six, a child obeys his parents’ every directive. Eventually, as he grows and matures, he begins to rebel. He leaves their house; goes to college or joins the Army. And then, on a sunny spring afternoon, he returns. Questioning authority is thus a remarkable thing! It turns a boy into a man, a girl into woman and frankly, society does need more adults to handle all the madness- that is, to make society “stronger”. But indeed, if we didn’t question, we wouldn’t be where we are today. </p>

<p>Mahatma Gandhi or “the old beggar” as Winston Churchill called him, questioned the British Empire’s authority over Indians. He thus began the practice of “Satyagraha”, or AK-47 – less terrorizing, in order to challenge the British government to a duel of sorts. Sadly, the British with all their cannons and rifles, lost. They had to leave the country for good in 1947.
Ten years later, in 1957, the “Beat Generation” author, Allen Ginsberg, through his writing, “Howl”, challenged the restrictions that were imposed against outlandish poetry. He did so by questioning the conservative views in American society on racism and homosexuality.
He even used the term, “Negro”. </p>

<p>Then, the people of USSR, 28 years later, played their part. Russians began to realize how the Soviet Union deprived them of basic facilities such as an American lifestyle or high-speed internet. There were riots and burning of buildings and simple pandemonium. Ultimately, it all came to a close in 1991 with the fall of the Berlin Wall and later the Soviet Union itself. </p>

<p>Another ten years, after which my neighbor, Bill decided to “stop being a wallflower and become eighteen.” He decided to revolt against his own insecure, mental faculties. So, he bought a used car, learned the guitar, made a few friends and headed off for Los Angeles. But before he left, he told me something quite insightful,” In the circle of life, there is an endless, black vortex at the center. As soon as you stop questioning, believing and revolting, you fall into that vortex. Don’t fall into that Vortex, Charlie; it sucks you right in.” </p>

<p>Between 1947 and today, November the 2nd, there have been several Mahatmas, Ginsbergs, Bills and Russians, in our society – our friends, neighbors, the kid that talks a lot and we, ourselves. Even if our individual contributions as ‘Questioners of Authority’ maybe negligible, together in cohesion, we have moved society forward. Questioning authority indeed makes society stronger.I wouldn’t have a picture of Mahatma Gandhi stamped onto my ten rupee note, if otherwise.</p>

11

<p>This is the Bulwer-Lytton meets “We Didnt Start the Fire” of essays.</p>

<p>I am disappointed to find out that Bill’s “introverted metal faculties” were a typo. Or was it? Maybe he is out there somewhere in Paradise City still trying to make it.</p>

12

<p>fine, i give up.</p>

13

<p>Are you seriously incapable of producing a conventionally essay at all? Thesis, Reasons, Example Example Summary?</p>

<p>Picasso knew how to draw before he went into Cubism.</p>

14

<p>"conventionally essay " ? maybe you’re high as well. “No I am incapable of doing so” . So you either help me turn this disadvantage into an advantage or go back to writing jokes for Jay Leno.</p>

15

<p>If you cant produce a normal high school essay then select a college where that wont be a disqualifying impediment. </p>

<p>At least try picking just two examples and restrict your free form ruminations to those. You have too much going on right now for these essays to be convincing arguments.</p>

16

<p>thanks argbrgy, i will follow that</p>

17

<p>rish, don’t get discouraged. A little bit more work and just a little bit of discipline and you will be killing it!</p>

18

<p>At age six, a child obeys his parents’ every directive. Eventually, as he grows and matures, he begins to rebel. He leaves their house; goes to college or joins the Army. And then, on a sunny spring afternoon, he returns. Questioning authority is thus a remarkable thing! It turns a boy into a man, a girl into woman and frankly, society does need more adults to handle all the madness- that is, to make society “stronger”. But indeed, if we didn’t question, we wouldn’t be where we are today.</p>

<p>Mahatma Gandhi or “the old beggar” as Winston Churchill called him, questioned the British Empire’s authority over Indians. He thus began the practice of “Satyagraha”, or AK-47 – less terrorizing, in order to challenge the British government to a duel of sorts. Sadly, the British with all their cannons and rifles, lost. They had to leave the country for good in 1947. Tell me how Gandhi’s actions affected the way people interact.</p>

<p>Ten years later, in 1957, the “Beat Generation” author, Allen Ginsberg, through his writing, “Howl”, challenged the restrictions that were imposed against outlandish poetry. He did so by questioning the conservative views in American society on racism and homosexuality.
He even used the term, “Negro”. Tell me about the influence Ginsberg had on our views of morality and race.</p>

<p>Then, the people of USSR, 28 years later, played their part. Russians began to realize how the Soviet Union deprived them of basic facilities such as an American lifestyle or high-speed internet. There were riots and burning of buildings and simple pandemonium. Ultimately, it all came to a close in 1991 with the fall of the Berlin Wall and later the Soviet Union itself.Why’s the world a better place now?</p>

<p>Another ten years, after which my neighbor, Bill decided to “stop being a wallflower and become eighteen.” He decided to revolt against his own insecure, mental faculties. So, he bought a used car, learned the guitar, made a few friends and headed off for Los Angeles. But before he left, he told me something quite insightful,” In the circle of life, there is an endless, black vortex at the center. As soon as you stop questioning, believing and revolting, you fall into that vortex. Don’t fall into that Vortex, Charlie; it sucks you right in.” I’d suggest deleting this “Bill” paragraph. If you like the vortex stuff (which I do like), find a place for it in either the intro or conclusion</p>

<p>Between 1947 and today, November the 2nd, there have been several Mahatmas, Ginsbergs, Bills and Russians, in our society – our friends, neighbors, the kid that talks a lot and we, ourselves. Even if our individual contributions as ‘Questioners of Authority’ maybe negligible, together in cohesion, we have moved society forward. Questioning authority indeed makes society stronger.I wouldn’t have a picture of Mahatma Gandhi stamped onto my ten rupee note, if otherwise.</p>

19

<p>Take this all constructively.</p>

<p>I feel like your essay says a lot and yet has no real substance. There’s nothing derived from a real-world (or at least ostensibly real-world) event to substantiate any of your opinions. Admittedly, you did mention Ghandhi, but you didn’t delve into Ghandhi. </p>

<p>There are also some idiomatic errors, but your essay does have a sort of flow to it. Overall, your writing style doesn’t feel refined or sophisticated to me, though you obviously do have potential. </p>

<p>Assuming your essay covers both allotted pages, I could see it getting up to an 8.</p>

20

<p>I am sorry I was unable to reply for this long. I am taking all the points mentioned into consideration and will try to improve upon that prompt soon. So thank you :slight_smile: .
Meanwhile , and I am not trying to be shifty or anything, but I have undertaken another prompt and was wondering if this style is more acceptable or favorable. </p>

<pre><code> -x-
</code></pre>

<p>Assignment: Is an Ideal Approach more Valuable than a Practical Approach?</p>

<p>Idealistic approaches are designed under the pretext of certain generalizations and special conditions. But since every human is different from each other and environmental conditions are never constant, these ‘idealistic approaches’,such as the Human Development Index(HDI) or aspects of Newtonian Mechanics, often fail in the real world.Hence, idealistic approaches can never be of greater value than their more practical counterparts.</p>

<p>David J Malan,Professor at Harvard University realized this fact quite early in his career. When he undertook the
Computer Science 50 Department in 2007, he realized that the fundamental issue with the idealistic approach of ‘teach, pray and mark’ exercised by the department, was the lack of student interest. So, he devised interactive learning sessions and ‘song and dance’ routines
in order to induce the complex concepts of programming languages, such as C++.</p>

<p>Malan, when he took over the department in the fall of 2007, began with 198 students. In just six years, the number escalated to 798.That is almost a six hundred percent increase, in six years. Prolific heroes like Malan are not a new breed.They have always existed and they are born everyday. “Know your audience, before you speak”- is an expression that my debating partner and I had concocted, to remind ourselves that every audience is different and thus the same “by-heart” arguments may not universally appeal to everyone.</p>

<p>The ideal approach maybe applicable successfully under certain pretenses of meter and rhyme, in English poetry or the workings of a simple machine.
But these are mere exceptions, waiting to be violated. The ideal approach limits one’s thinking, to his detriment- such as the lack of students, in the case of Malan’s predecessor.
Throughout time and history, the practical outlook upon humans and human concepts, have been looked upon more favorably and have been considered more valuable.Ultimately, it’s the practical that has managed to broaden the horizon of human knowledge and understanding by so much.
-x-</p>