How not to write an essay

Parent Cafe
1

<p>There’s a fun little thread going on down in the bilges about “What’s the worst thing you could put on your Chicago application?” This strikes my fancy, but I’m thinking limiting to the University of Chicago is too restrictive. So, here are some starters. What not to write in your essay for:</p>

<p>UCLA: “I just love UCLA! Tommy the Trojan is my favorite college mascot!”</p>

<p>Reed College: “I’ve dreamed of going to your school forever! I’m going to be on an military scholarship and can’t wait to share my background in the Marine Corps with all my professors!”</p>

<p>Washington University: “Washington University is one of my top choices, and if I don’t get into Harvard, Yale, or Princeton I’m sure I’ll have lots of fun going to school there in Seattle!”</p>

<p>Northwestern: “What I don’t get is why you call yourself ‘Northwestern?’ I mean, no offense, but you are barely midwestern. Don’t you worry about lying to potential students like this? ‘Northwestern’ makes me think of fir trees, tall mountains, and sea kayaking. To find out you are in a Chicago suburb is a terrible disappointment.”</p>

<p>Deep Springs: “Castrating bulls? Are you serious?”</p>

2

<p>In response to a “Why Macalester” question, my son wrote, “I have a mac computer, I eat big macs, and I have an Uncle Mac… so, it makes sense for me to apply to Mac for college.” </p>

<p>He was accepted.</p>

3

<p>Not exactly on topic, but an inexperienced colleague went to lunch with senior execs from Pepsi, and ordered a Coke. Oops.</p>

4

<p>On the Princeton application, you can choose one of 3 esoteric qutoes to write about, or one of your own choosing. My daughter chose a quote from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”.<br>
I’ll let you know if she gets in…</p>

5

<p>" I like, really, um, think your school is, like, so sick."</p>

<p>“Yo, CoM On DuDe, LeT Me iN. I oNlY RooLL wif DA beST!!”</p>

<p>“If you perchance have taken the opportunity to peruse my erudite essay with its shakespearan allusions, and have found them to be as simptomatic and illuminating of the declining nature of our culture today as I have tried to overcome as I am surrounded by incompetent teachers and students who just will never reach my standard, I hope you will be intelligent enough to open your parlors to a student of my caliber.”</p>

<p>“My last name is Bush. Nuff sed.”</p>

6

<p>My friend applied early decision to Princeton and used the quote from Risky Business:</p>

<p>“Princeton could use a guy like you, Joel.”</p>

7

<p>Tufts: “I figured I needed something in case all the ivy’s reject me”</p>

<p>UCI: “If there is one thing I cannot stand it is East Asian immigration”</p>

8

<p>

</p>

<p>Calmom, I absolutely LOVE this response!! I would like to recommend it to my son, who is currently wrestling with a similar prompt. The only problem is, he is applying to Dickinson!!!</p>

9

<p>Well, he has . . oh, err . . . never mind.</p>

10

<p>Moominmama:</p>

<p>That may be the single funniest post I’ve read on these boards. Thank you!</p>

11

<p>University of Virginia: “I think honor codes are just for people who aren’t clever enough to cheat.”</p>

<p>Or</p>

<p>“The US would be a much better place if Aaron Burr had been elected president.”</p>

<p>Or</p>

<p>“The reason I like UVA is that it’s not hidebound by tradition.”</p>

<p>Wake Forest: “I hate preppies.”</p>

<p>VMI: “The Confederates probably would have held on to the Valley if not for the shameful performance of an underaged unit at New Market.”</p>

<p>Smith: “I like being straight.”</p>

<p>BYU: “I like being gay.”</p>

<p>University of Colorado: “I’m looking for a place with a serious, intellectual atmosphere.”</p>

<p>Vassar: “I’ve always wanted to attend a girls school.”</p>

<p>Drake: “What I really like about your school is that it sounds a lot like ‘Duke.’”</p>

<p>Connecticut College: “I’m looking for a place where being fat and unattractive is acceptable.”</p>

<p>Bard: “My hero is Ronald Reagan.”</p>

<p>Florida State: “I like the fact that you have a clown school, because I’ve always been called the class clown.”</p>

12

<p>

Now THAT’S a great one for anybody who has ever visited or been inside the chapel. Well done.</p>

13

<p>Tarhunt, you are entirely welcome!</p>

14

<p>At my Lafayette graduation, our class president told the story of our freshman welcoming banquet, where a tall man asked him, “So why did you choose Lafayette?” and he replied, “Because I didn’t get into an Ivy.” Turns out the tall guy was the president of the college.</p>

<p>Open mouth, insert foot.</p>

15

<p>“I hate to write…so here goes nothing.”</p>