For those of you with children in colleges either OOS or a good distance away, how often do you interact w/ them(talk,text,social media, etc.)? Daily, every other day, once in a while? The only way I converse/talk with my mother is in person, and it’s not as often as I imagine other people do.
Does your level of communication, and awareness of things in their lives, decrease when they go away, or does it stay relatively the same? Do you feel the need to ask them about things(their life,what they’re doing) more often?
When I go OOS to attend, how will it affect this relationship and communication?
All responses, of any length and depth, are appreciated. Thank you.
It’s likely to vary by family, even different between kids in the SAME family. My son was very independent, but when he was in the military, if he had a chance to call home, he did, and this was back when cell phone minutes were pretty sparse. He liked hearing a familiar voice, I’m sure. As a teen, some days we barely spoke-he just isn’t a chatty person.
My older D had a rough start to college and I tended to hear from her mostly when she was feeling sad or homesick. That, plus the usual call asking how to cook something or treat a wound. She lives in the next town now and we text here and there and on the phone once in awhile, but mostly we see each other in person. But again, she was in school well before FB was the rage and there were unlimited texts and phone minutes.
My youngest will be going away to college next year. We text daily, and since I drive her to and from school, we have conversations about all kinds of things. We are FB friends and share posts to each other’s wall and comment to each other. She’s going to teach me how to Skype or Facetime so that she can do that with me next year. She plans to call often, and I’m sure she will at first.
When my mom was living, I called her weekly, even when long distance was not at all free, because we were close. One sister, not so much. It all depends.
Once a week in an evening of weekends, usually Saturday night, unless there is something urgent.
After he had a GF (post-college), we communicated with each other less frequently, but at least once every 2 or 3 weeks. (But occasionally I was still “accused” of being a too involved (“should cut the cord long time ago”) too nosy (“do you know something like that?!”), or too helicoptering parent (“leave him alone and get on with your own life”) per CC standard here. LOL.)
Son sends me an email when he needs money. At least now I have him trained to write me a few sentences first about how he is doing! However, he’s not very communicative when he’s home on breaks, either. He’s just used to being on his own - spent every summer at his college since freshman year.
Daughter calls me once a week to chat and often more frequently than that if she feels like talking. We also text almost daily and are FB friends and communicate on there also. But we are very close and talk a lot when she is home, also.
Really depends on the kid and how much communication they want / need. I try not to initiate it too much and just follow their lead.
We talked to our kids once a week when they were in college. They picked the time…not us. They made the call. But we expected to hear their voices once a week.
Oldest daughter - called multiple times a day; usually when walking between classes; she’d start something and call later to finish and then later again. Our social child - called because she likes to talk - adjusted well to college - independent. She’s married now, working full time and calls several times a week - usually on her way to and from work.
Son - called sporadically - once a week or so. He lives nearby now and drops in several times a week. Seldom calls.
Youngest daughter - called daily - usually in the evening. She liked the idea of touching base, staying connected. Now working full time and engaged but still calls most evenings. We see her once or twice a week as her apt.'s nearby.
Almost daily via texting. Phone calls are mostly regarding money needed That is from the last of the brood that is in college. My two others are older and either working full time or a combination of working and finishing grad school. Texting is still the most common form of communication for the busier of the two, and that is mostly because of the erratic schedule she holds.
The one with the regular schedule calls mostly when she is commuting home from work.
D1 - called and/or texted 3 or 4x week. During crisis times I sometimes heard from her 2-3x a day. Just a verbal kid. She’s living and working overseas now, married, and we FaceTime once a week and text/email 3 or 4x times a week. She’s also active social media person, so we feel very much a part of her life.
D2 - says the only negative to going OOS to college this fall will be living so far away from us yet we probably will hear from her sporadically even during a crisis. She prefers to talk in-person and is only moderately active on social media. I’ll try to embed the “It’s Sunday afternoon, have you talked to your parents this week?” message this summer, but I’m not getting my hopes up.
It depends, most of our conversations with our son generally have been texts (he is finishing his junior year).Either I or my wife will get texts from him most days (we also have a ‘shared’ text channel with both of us on it with him), often funny stuff about music or things he is doing. Somedays I get nothing from him, sometimes she doesn’t, with me it is mostly about sports stuff, since being at a music geek school, well, not too many sports nuts:). Unless there is drama, I rarely talk to my son on the phone and he talks to her probably once a week or so. At times it has been more, when he was overwhelmed, not feeling well.
There is no right thing, when I went to college we didn’t have cell phones and we werent’ a chatty family, so I talked to my parents maybe once a week or so. I think you’ll find your rhythm and it will flow naturally.
I have girls so I heard from both of them a lot by phone and text. My older D went to college in NYC so she would call me when she was walking to the subway to get to class just to talk.
Are you looking for a “right” answer? Because it’s going to be different (as you can see from previous responses) for everyone. There is no single right answer.
We talk to our kids via Skype or in person about once a week or once every other week. However, we live relatively close. When my daughter was studying abroad it was about the same frequency (but obviously via Skype, not in person). However, we text or email in between times. Sometimes more than others. Just depends — sometimes there is something specific we need to talk about and other times it’s just a funny story, an article or video we came across, a bit of news etc. we want to share.
My oldest moved out last fall . . . we usually talk at least once a week unless he is traveling. Otherwise we text and email, but not every day.
This was very hard for me at first because we are close. I had to really force myself to not hover, not keep tabs, etc. But mostly I just miss the fun conversations we always had! He is nice to have around, as is my younger son. I appreciate them both so much as people. One thing they both know is that I am always here if they need me. They are the two people on the planet whom I will call or text back immediately if at all possible.
It really will be specific to your relationship, and what everyone senses is a good balance.
My D is very far away OOS. As her mom and the one who has been most involved in her education, she usually communicates with me daily by text, and two or three times a week by phone call, and maybe once a week by email. Her dad and I are divorced, and I believe she probably talks to him by phone once every week or so. She has been able to travel to visit parents twice during her freshman year, and I traveled to visit her on her birthday as well. She plans to spend summer working near her university.
These things will vary by the person and family. I know someone in her 40s and she still talks to her mom daily on the phone. They live across the country from each other, but keep in close contact and travel on some vacations together. Other people would not talk nearly so often as they start a new life far away from their parents.
Whether you communicate a lot or a little with your parents while going to a university OOS, it will be a personal decision that fits you and your family. The method of communicating likewise will be personal – calls, texts, emails, social media, Skype, etc. Most students attend college fairly near their family and get to visit them in person more often than OOS students do, so to make up for the lack of in-person visits, you may find that you communicate more often with your family in other ways. Or you might enjoy the freedom of not having them involved and knowing about every detail of your life.
Parents who are new empty-nesters (as I am) may reach out to their OOS child and ask lots of questions frequently when college first starts as they adjust to not having their child at home, but the frequency and questions can change over time as everyone adjusts to the new realities. The reverse may also be true, where the new college student reaches out first to the parent and shares what is going on to get advice, until they’ve become more comfortable with their new environment.
We are not OOS. DH could walk from his work to DS’s apartment in 10 minutes. However we only talk to him on the phone every couple weeks. Part of that maybe that he knows that if he needs us for anything Dad is right there and he can drive home to see us when he wants but also he is not much of a phone talker. He does communicate with our younger sons who are in high school more often than that.
I am pretty sure my awareness on what is going on in his life has gone down since he went to college. However I do know that he is happy, has a GF and is getting good grades. College is going to be both fun and stressful. Some things you are going to want to share and some you won’t. Call her enough so she won’t worry but not so much you feel it is an obligation.
D and I speak at a minimum once weekly on Sunday morning unless we’ve talked the night before for some reason. She will occasionally call mid-week if she has exciting news or needs something and will text as needed or just to send me something comical.
When my S left for the USAF at 18 it became clear that weekly communication would not happen with him. If I don’t hear from him within a month or so I text and make sure all is good. He makes the obligatory phone calls on my birthday, mothers day, Easter, etc. and has come home every Christmas (except one when he was stationed in Japan) and uses a week or two of vacation time to come home each summer and stay with me. He also texts when he needs something and will remark on a facebook post if he finds it interesting. I wish we talked more but I understand…his future MIL has given him a hard time about it, and so he talked to me to see if I thought our relationship was strange or strained but its not, it is what it is. She, on the other hand, texts and calls her daughter several times a day and they live in the same house LOL.
My kids can go for long periods with no communication and then have a flurry of communication if they want to chat, so we just go with the flow. We assume no communication means that everything is fine and they’re doing well. That has been the case so far. We are happy to hear from the kids several times/month. We’d be happier with more frequently but are happy enough anyway.
D1 called daily – partly because I cried when I dropped her off, I think. (Not the intended consequence, but I will take it!). She would just check in while walking between classes or right after dinner for a few minutes. As an adult living across the country now she still calls me almost every day, usually while walking home after work.
D2 might never call, but I insist on once a week. Usually on Sundays after I text her. We do usually text once or twice a week in addition to that. Occasionally she “goes dark” and doesn’t respond for a while, and then I need to send a “Sign of life needed” text – so far have always gotten a response.
D1 calls when she’s walking somewhere. She is incredibly independent, but likes to chat. When she started college, she seemed to think that calling home meant she wasn’t being independent, and called only once a month or so. We let her be.
D2 calls about once a week to check in and will text us pics of things she thinks will interest us. She is significantly less chatty than her sister, but with her sister’s example she didn’t go through an initial stage of going weeks without calling home.
The best part is that they call each other frequently.
That is from the last of the brood that is in college. My two others are older and either working full time or a combination of working and finishing grad school. Texting is still the most common form of communication for the busier of the two, and that is mostly because of the erratic schedule she holds.