<p>I realize this may sound like a strange question, but what are the best ways to limit my interactions with my family once I go to college? I honestly find my mother to be controlling, overbearing, critical, and negative, and I tend to feel less stressed and do better when I limit my interactions with her. She said she wants to call me every single day, which I think sounds like a bit much-most of the people I know who are already in college either text their parents daily or call them a few times a week, but it’s not like they have daily hour long video chats with their mothers. I realize the simplest answer is “don’t answer her,” but that would only work for so long before she’d get really annoyed and realize I’m purposely avoiding her. Any suggestions or ideas?</p>
<p>Passively avoiding your parents is a bad idea as long as you are financially dependent on them. (Are you?)</p>
<p>Do you feel strong enough to have an adult conversation with her and lay down some ground rules? Talking to her once a week and writing her an email on the other days might be a good place to start. You could make the emails very lengthy if need be - this way your mom could observe your life without being an active player in it. Once you have set down ground rules, do feel free to ignore her calls on the other days. She may be very upset at first but she will probably learn to deal with it.</p>
<p>Once you actually get to college, I would encourage you to seek counseling. (Many colleges offer short-term counseling for free!) A counselor can help you address your current relationship with your mom and sort through some of the negative impact it’s had on you.</p>
<p>I have a mother like that. Don’t ignore her phone calls. Just keep the phone call short and simple.</p>
<p>Just tell her what you think of her. My mother improved after I did that.</p>
<p>barium gave you some pretty bad advice IMO lol. Counseling?? You clearly don’t have a problem you just have an issue that many college Freshmen probably experience. But anyways, I’d recommend talking to your parents about time management and say that you only have so much time to talk to them. Just a suggestion.</p>
<p>There’s nothing wrong with suggesting counseling. It’s not wise to spend your entire life thinking how annoying your mother is.</p>
<p>Like I said, just tell your mother how annoying she is to her face and that you can’t stand her. Be serious about it. You’ll understand what kind of a person she is as a result.</p>
<p>Counseling is not just for people with mental illnesses. It can also be helpful for people like the OP who have to deal with difficult, stressful relationships. It’s not a bad idea at all.</p>
<p>Wait, your mother is expecting an hour long video call everyday? What is the extent of her imposition? I mean, you should still talk to her but of course you’re going to have a lot to do besides spend the whole time telling your family what it is you’re doing.</p>
<p>Difficult relationships with family seem to be better when there is some distance attatched. I cannot get along with my dad at all when I’m at home, but when I’m at college things are always much calmer and cordial between us.</p>
<p>In fact, many college counseling centers don’t even offer long-term therapy for mental illnesses and refer students with such a need to providers off campus instead.</p>
<p>College counseling helps students make life and career choices, deal with stressful relationships, explore their sexual identity, address procrastination or mild anxiety. If the OP is struggling to change his relationship with his mother, counselors are much more qualified assist than anonymous high school or college students on an internet discussion forum.</p>
<p>Discuss some ground rules. Emphasize that part of going to college is learning independence. Note: You will NOT have time for a daily hour long chat. On the other hand your Mom will be in the process of letting go herself which can be hard so have a care for her feelings. I’m sure as annoying as you think she is, you (hopefully) do appreciate some of the things she has done for you during your childhood.
And early on you may have questions; or just want to hear a friendly voice. So if she needs the reassurance you’re “alive” agree to text literally good morning/good night to her first term and tell her you will call as your time allows. Also many feel it is nice to set up a weekly phone call ONCE you get to school and know what time works for you. As a parent I always felt not hearing from my child is a good sign-- likely means things are going well. Would rarely hear from my son but first term freshman year I did ask for an email or text on Monday mornings so I would know he made it through the weekend.</p>
<p>As a mom, who has an only child (son) headed to college in a year, I am terrified. There are layers of concern for the here and now, as well as for the years he will spend away at school. As parents, we have worked really hard to help you all get to where you are, and we are proud of you. We want to continue to be a part of your life, share in your joys, and protect you from the big bad world. It is how we are wired.
That being said, it takes a conscious effort to let you go out on your own, and not be the same type of parent we have been for the past 18 years. It is a life change for us too. Have a discussion with your mom, tell her how you feel. Please do not tell her you can not stand her!! That will not help. Tell her what she does specifically that you consider overbearing, and what would be an acceptable alternative. And it is OK to set some limits/boundaries with your mother, just as you would with other people in your life. If you can set up regular communication with your mom, and stick to it, you will probably see her relax over a few months, and she will require less attention. If you disappear and cut off communication, do not be surprised if she shows up at your dorm unannounced to make sure that you are OK. Again, it is how we are wired.
Call her unexpectedly everynow and then to share good news. That makes us happy. Let her know you miss her, and are looking forward to coming home on break. Let her know she is still important in your life, and you are greatful for everything she has done to help you get where you are. But remain in the drivers seat of your life, and prove to her that it is going to be OK if you are the driver. Just let her continue to be a passenger with you sometimes, and know she wants the best for you!
If those efforts do not work, or you need help to do that, ask a family member to help, or ask for counseling as other posters have recommended. Just be careful about cutting your mom out, that kind of move can definately backfire on you!</p>
<p>Thanks for all of your responses. I’ll probably lay down some rules/set times to communicate with her, and seek short-term counseling if our relationship continues to be or becomes more stressful.</p>
<p>You are bound to have a very busy schedule between classes, any job, EC’s you get involved in, etc. If the only time to call her is very late at night when you are finally back in your dorm/room, I am sure she won’t be in the mood for hour long chats late at night. That sort of timing might help. I can understand not wanting to feel smothered, but remember that your mom is going to be up nights worried about your well being, so calling her every so often, and reminding her that you are grateful to her would be nice!</p>
<p>some counseling may be beneficial. just talk to her. call her at least once a week.</p>