<p>I find that my kids tell me things that make me upset. I guess talking to me makes them feel better, but I absorb their worry and upset and I end up feeling worried and upset for them. Has anyone discovered a way to be supportive and “there” for your kids without taking their burdens upon yourself.</p>
<p>Someone said that “parents are only as happy as our least happy child.” I do not like this saying, but I am wondering if there is more than a little bit of truth to this statement.</p>
<p>Anyone else find this to be the case and have you found ways to handle this challenge?</p>
<p>Depends on the iSsue, like friend issues, a fight or disagreement, or school issues, and if I know the issue will pass with no real longterm effects or if that failing class will have consequences.</p>
<p>I do feel worried and upset, it how it is, what we do with that worry and upset is what matters. Do we fret do we trust do we try and fix?</p>
<p>For instance, to a girl not having a prom date can be just awful at the time, but we as moms know this will pass and on the grand scheme of things eh, but it hurts us because we cant fix it, we can maybe make it better, but…</p>
<p>But a friend who is doing drugs or wants to hurt themselves, there we might need to somehow intervene, and thus the worry is less so as we can be helpful.</p>
<p>I know how you feel! You can sometimes get so aggravated when other kids don’t treat your kids as you think they should and all their problems make you worry so much. I think we are lucky that we have kids that talk to us, since there are so many that look to someone else when they are having issues.</p>
<p>I try to help my kid find her way out of stuff. I try to give advice that will help her through and then tell myself that it is only a small thing and it will pass. I used to get more worried over certain things when she was younger. She would have an issue with a friend or discover that there was a boy she liked. I would get worried that the friend would stop being a part of her network of support, when in fact it would soon blow over. </p>
<p>Often i would think that the issues were bigger than they actually were. I would get concerned and then the whole thing was done with. I would recommend that you look back at your own life at that age and remember how you made it through, then maybe you won’t get so worried.</p>
<p>Just remember for every “unhappy moment” you hear there are many “happy moments” you don’t hear about, these are usually not worth a call. We see them at their worst and they can use us as sounding boards and know we will not judge them</p>
<p>This is really good advice. Even now when they’re both adults, if I find myself getting too caught up in their issues, I try to remember what was going on in my life at their age, and it really puts things in perspective.</p>
<p>^^^ So true. Thinking of that sobbing phone call where the world is all but coming to an end because of A, B, or C - but the kid discounts every bit of practical advice we share, gets mad at us because she has to fix the problem herself, and hangs up. The kid then solves the problem herself (usually by applying our practical advice) but so happily moves on that she forgets to let us know the problem is solved, while we spend the night/weekend/next several days as anxious wrecks. Repeated until the kid is around 23 years old, in our experience.</p>
<p>Frazzled, I’m in my forties and my mom still says I will always be her baby! There have been a few bumps in my life the last year and she has admitted that she still worries about me, too. I don’t know that it ever ends.<br>
I love this quote: “Having a child means a piece of your heart is walking around in the world.”</p>
<p>I have a grandmother who just turned 100 years old and, blessedly, still has all her marbles. And what does she tell us she does all day? Worries about her two daughters, who are in their 70s. So it may NOT ever end.</p>
<p>No real advice, but I can say I have absorbed the hurt, pain and worries of my D, but really only after she left for college 3000 miles away. When she was in the house with me I could hold her, or feel like I was being more comforting at least. Now it seems far more difficult. :(</p>
<p>One of the things you have to remember is that when your kids tell you about something that upsets them, in one or two weeks, it may have gone by and no longer upset them.</p>
<p>So when they do tell you, it does help them feel better (aren’t you glad they feel they can confide in you!) but keep in mind that the hurt they feel may pass so try not to carry the burden. You have the opportunity to share similar situations that you had that maybe improved or maybe you just changed the way you felt about it so it no longer bothered you that you can share for them to see ways to deal.</p>
<p>Hope this helps. I totally relate to feeling bad when your kid feels bad. But I have seen it happen enough times when we discussed something years later that at one time was so upsetting and sometimes my child doesn’t even remember the thing that was such a problem.</p>
<p>“Someone said that “parents are only as happy as our least happy child.” I do not like this saying, but I am wondering if there is more than a little bit of truth to this statement.”</p>
<p>I think there’s a whole lot of truth to that. It kills us to see our children unhappy, and it is pretty much impossible to be happy while they are suffering. Though sometimes I suspect we think they are suffering much more than they actually are.</p>
<p>My kids (boys) have always shared as little as possible. Leaving us to be as kind and loving (without annoying them) as possible, with no idea of what is wrong. You’re lucky you get to hear anything. It is fortunate, I think, that we have two fuzzy, snuggly little dogs. They don’t care what you’ve done or what you look like, if they think you need comfort, they are always there, as close as can be, until you feel better.</p>
<p>Sometimes I remember to ask them, “Do you want suggestions or do you just want to vent?” </p>
<p>If I forget to ask that, then I land exactly where you describe, OP: worried and upset.</p>
<p>Of course, what sometimes causes me to forget to ask is…what they’re saying gets me worried and upset! Maybe I should write the line inside my own cellphone.</p>
<p>It is really tough when your kids are hurt and if you are far away it can be difficult to know how big a problem it really is. What helped me get sane about it was the realise I can make none of the decisions, but rather my job is to help my kids see the pros & cons so they can make good decisions. There is generally no single right way to do things, there are many ways and my kids need to choose the one which works for them, if I can help them make a well-considered decision, I have done my job.</p>
<p>Letting go of thinking I have any control over their choice was really freeing.</p>
<p>OP,
There is nothing worng with how you feel and there is not issue either. We are humans, we feel sad and we feel happy. What is happiness if not to be in much better mood than when you are sad? If you are never sad, how would you know that you are happy if there is no way to compare. What is the most brutal and the most risky experience in life? Isn’t it being born? But if you are not born, then you do not exist. I do not see a great happiness without going thru great pain, risk. Kids bring a lot of it on us, just part of life. However, as an adult, we can sort out priorities and control our emotions while many kids did not learn it yet, even in their 20s. It is a greatest plesure to teach them that nobody can operate succussfully without priority list. And again, just the fact that they talk to you under pressure, isn’t it very encouraging. Well, on the other hand, not to worry about child driving in a show storm or traveling for many hours abroad is simply NOT NATURAL, even if they are in their 20s or 40s.</p>
<p>Yes, we do tend to hold our children and their struggles very close to our hearts. That said, I think it was someone from this forum who described the process of the college-aged student’s calling the parents in distress, but forgetting to tell them when the storm had passed as …" throwing the drama to the mama." We catch it, hold their distress, give them open ears, which helps them reframe their situation or move forward. I just have to remember that I don’t have to hold that “drama” so closely; I can let it go…</p>