How to Bite your Tongue

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Ok guys, I tried the “say it here cuz you can’t say it anywhere else thread” and that helped a little but I’d kind of like some advice on this one.</p>

<p>The backstory: My daughter doesn’t do well in relationships with boys/men. From the time she was about 14 she seems to have craved the attention of a boy, any boy. Once she got them, she seemed to just dissolved into these rampant moods swings of losing her own identity by absorbing everything the boy liked, agreeing with everything they say or do, and holding them 100% responsible for her happiness or lack thereof. Inevitibly when the boy did even the tiniest thing that made her unhappy they were " a d*ck, or rude, or horrible". She’d get herself so worked up she ended up sick. In fact 10th grade was so bad it almost drove us all crazy…she saw a therapist, multiple times to try to establish herself as a capable independent person, but then it would be back to her old tricks. We’ve really tried everything to break her of this habit to no avail</p>

<p>Unfortunately, because as a mother I didn’t want to see her get hurt so in the past I got too involved in her relationships trying to stave off the inevitable disruption that would eventually come. This was not a good move. We even went so far as to ban boyfriends all together for her last year in high school just to avoid all the drama and hopefully give her a chance to grow up and see that she could be ok without a boyfriend…</p>

<p>well fast forward to September and within 2 days of being on campus she’s already “in a relationship”. I for the most part have tried to steer clear of giving my opinion on anything, and just listening as she speaks…but to make a long story short, this boy has some issues, very adult issues that he is facing at the moment and my daughter got ****ed off at him for a very childish, selfish reason.</p>

<p>So here’s where the trouble began-she asks me to phone her, and against my better judgement i do. Well she starts spouting out about how terrible and rude and selfish this kid is so i tell her if she’s so miserable why does she stay in the relationship. And see just keeps going on and on about how much of a jerk he is because he does this and that and so I say “well he does have a lot going on right now” (the truth) and so then she says why don’t you ever take my side, you never support me, you always call me wrong…and then proceeded to tell me she’s going to go and tallk to someone who would be supportive and hung up…</p>

<p>Now, as a mother I know it is my duty to be supportive and listen and for most other subjects I do just that…but boys bring out the worst kind of nasty, petty, clingy, obsessive behaviour in my daughter and as much as I love her, it’s not an apsect of her personality that I like nor can I agree with her…</p>

<p>I’m thinking that once things calm down a bit to just tell her as much as I love her, i’m not in a position to talk with her when things go wrong in her relationships.</p>

<p>Am I the only one that has faced this before? What would you do? Help? Please…</p>

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<p>It takes time to change a ‘bad’ pattern. And, you will never be able to change how the other person is handling things. Ever.</p>

<p>I find this is useful with my kids when they get on some thing or another which I think is kind of silly, but I try to remember they are much less experienced than I am. I listen, and listen, and then, after a certain amount of time I say, 'I’ve to a ___________, so I’m going to have to get off the phone in five minutes, but I’m really sorry you’re finding this challenging right now. You’re in college, I’m sure you can figure it out."</p>

<p>If they press me for a response, I just say, 'You know, I’m not you. I don’t know what you need from this. I can only say that I’m sure you are going to be able to figure out what to do. I mean, I know you know there’s nothing you can do about what someone else is doing, so you’ll have to figure out what you’re going to do. You’re smart. You’ll figure it out."</p>

<p>If it goes on too long? I say, “Well, what are YOU going to do about it?”</p>

<p>YMMV</p>

3

<p>What would she say if you said something like, “Do you think you deserve someone who treats you like this or do you think you deserve someone who will treat you better”? (or some variant)</p>

4

<p>mom2collegekids = I know exactly what she would say…she would turn that around and make it seem that I told her that is what she should do and then when that doesn’t turn out well she’d blame me for it…I’ve definitely been down that slippery slope in the past and it never ends well…that’s how I end up getting too involved and eventually held accountable for things that go wrong… giving advice of any kind is not going to work. </p>

<p>I know that the issue is that this type of behaviour she exhibits, she knows in the back of her mind there is a little voice saying that it isn’t healthy behavior but she finds it very difficult to take responsibility for that…in fact that’s one of the reasons why she clings to a boy…because she finds it difficult to take responsibility for herself so she gives that responsibility over to a boy to make her happy and then she has someone to blame when she isn’t rather then being responsible for herself.</p>

<p>It’s always been my biggest fear that she ends up in some sort of co-dependent relationship with some lowlife because she can’t stand on her own two feet…it is only good fortune that the boyfriends she has had in the past have all been relatively nice kids who haven’t taken advantage of her but stilll…</p>

<p>I do like poetgirls advice…its pretty much how I’ve been communicating with her on other things such as academics and such since she’s been at school but the boy thing is a trigger for me so I just need to watch what I say…</p>

<p>I guess i was just wondering if anyone else has faced this and how did they deal with it…its just hard to watch your child, your baby do destructive things and you want to help them but you know they need to make these mistakes in order to grow and become an adult but it doesn’t make it any easier</p>

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<p>My sister is a therapist…I’ll ask her. :slight_smile: (she’s an awesome therapist…brilliant!)</p>

6

<p>instead of a phone call, you might try a letter…giving yu time to edit it, a letter that could be used every time she hs a meltdown…that tells her she is capable and that yuo know that she will resolve this</p>

7

<p>It sounds like she needs more input from outsiders, not a hands-off, figure it out yourself approach. She doesn’t seem to show much empathy…something my mom used to say to us is, “How do you think (your actions) made the other person feel?” I would add, “How is this situation like the relationship with (old boyfriend)?”</p>

<p>It must be tough, as a mom, to hear and see her flail about in these relationships. Does she have a strong male figure in her life with whom she could spend more time?</p>

8

<p>Try asking, “Do you want me to tell you what to do about this, or would you just like to whine for a bit?” Because maybe all she really wants is a sympathetic ear that she can whine into for a while. And, that is OK too. By the time Happykid has come up with words for all her grievances (“Mom you wouldn’t believe this was sooooooo awful, and that was sooooooo much awfuller, and all of my teachers are mean.” ), and I’ve expressed my grievances (“Well today this was sooooo awful, that was sooooo awful, and I lost my Metro card when I got on the bus.”) we both feel a lot better. </p>

<p>Cookies and milk help too. Sending you some virtual ones in your favorite flavors.</p>

9

<p>caymandriver07: It seems to me that you know exactly what you have to do; hold your tongue! You have to be so careful what you say as it can be so easily misconstrued.</p>

<p>We had a similar situation with my son in a 2 year+ relationship which had developed into a somewhat bizarre and inappropriate way where his ideas, thoughts, actions seemed to come from the girlfriend and her very manipulative family. I can tell you that I stuck my foot in my mouth more than once and learned the hard way that I cannot change or control the way the way my son feels or his actions. We also went through a period when he did not confide in us because he feared our disapproval. I learned (the hard way) that I have to keep my mouth shut and be a sounding board, as opposed to a constant critic. When he tells me something that I find caustic I take a deep breath and either repeat what he just said or just let the comment sit so we can both digest it. Or else I ask a question like “how do you feel/think about that?” Not easy if for a big mouth such as myself, but it worked better for me than just blurting out my frustrations. The fact is, sometimes they have to experience the dysfunction and consequences of their choices before they choose to change them, or not. </p>

<p>Thankfully, he has recently come to his senses with regard to the relationship and has decided to move on. (Phew!) But that did not happen until we totally backed off and crazy as it may sound for a mom, stopped caring so much about his relationships. After all, it is his life.</p>

<p>Do not despair. Take a deep breath. Try not to react (bite your tongue!) Hold her up to the standard of being responsible and accountable for her actions and she will, eventually, I hope. Good luck.</p>

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<p>^^ Went through much of the same experience as FLAmama with my D but with multiple relationships. She just hasn’t learned from past mistakes. Thank goodness, none of them led to marriage. It’s hard to back off because you care so much but learn only give advice when solicited. I am still learning. You are not alone.</p>

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<p>I know what you mean cbreeze. This break up is very recent so who knows if he really learned and I sometimes wonder if he won’t find himself back in the same place. <em>sigh</em> Who can know how that will turn out? </p>

<p>I recently saw a friend who asked me how son’s long distance relationship was going. My reply then was “Last I heard they are still together, but it’s none of my business.” Her eyebrows shot up as she asked “How do you do that?” I said “I tried making it my business and it turns out it really is none of my business!” She knows me well and we had a good laugh!</p>

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<p>I’ve learned that if I try to “help” I can make the situation worse. The person gets upset at me too, not just the person they were originally upset with.</p>

<p>And when I think about what I want when I am upset, a lot of times, I just want someone to listen, not to give advice. A good friend of mine who listens to me when I am in a “state” will just listen, and then finally say- would you like some feedback now, or not? So, she gives me the choice, but only after I feel like I have been listened to. She makes sure to know that I have a choice about getting feedback, she isn’t going to give me feedback unless I want it. I always feel better when talking to her.</p>

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<p>caymamdriver…Are you sure you don’t have my daughter. It sounds all too familar and after saying what I thought was all the right things I realized that I could never say anything right. I stopped talking about anything that my daughter would interpret as “me not being on her side.” My daughter is very young emotionally yet she is almost 20 years old. I keep praying that her frontal lobe will mature before I am too old to enjoy a normal relationship with her. I would be interested to hear what others have to say regarding dealing with a kid who makes you feel like the eggshells are cracking under your feet.</p>

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<p>Perhaps aim to reflect and clarify rather than to advise. </p>

<p>“I think what you are saying is…”. “Your goal is…”. “This bothers you because…”. “Your dilemma is…”. “You are choosing between…”. “If I am understanding you correctly…”.</p>

<p>This approach is nonjudgmental: You neither approve nor disapprove. You help by listening without judgment while D thinks things through by speaking with you. Your responses show her that she is being understood.</p>

<p>On this approach, avoid expressing an opinion, even if directly asked for one. Summarize her options as you understand them and express confidence that she can make a good choice.</p>

15

<p>I can’t ever express enough how much CC helps keep me sane…it’s just nice to know I’m not the only one going through this.</p>

<p>As an update…I sent daughter an email this morning saying this:</p>

<p>“I am sorry that you were so upset yesterday and equally as sorry I was unable to provide the support you were looking for. I hope that you were able to find that support either within yourself or through outside sources. I also want you to know that even in times where we may have a different perspective on things or don’t necessarily see eye to eye, I always love you.”</p>

<p>She responded a few hours later saying I love you too. My roommate and I went to the campus store to buy cookies and hair dye. I’m blonder now!</p>

<p>I spoke to her this evening a little bit. I told her that I guess maybe I wasn’t the correct person to speak to last night and she said yep you weren’t. And then we both had a good chuckle over it.</p>

<p>Good Lord-I some how thought the drama would lessen when she was away…boy do I have a lot to learn. Starting with all of the suggestions above. They are all so very helpful and so much appreciated.</p>

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<p>I agree with adad. Unless (and even if) your language is entirely non-judgmental, she will hear what she thinks you said/meant. She “hears” your disapproval. </p>

<p>Reflecting her comments back to her, sprinkled with “I’m sorry you’re so upset,” “I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better,” etc., will be better than any implied/stated comment, even if true (which she will take as criticism). Questions such as “What do you think you should do?” “What would you like to do?” “How can I help you?” might be helpful as well.</p>

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<p>You’ve gotten some good nuggets of wisdom here. Your daughter’s case sounds extreme but I was certainly a fool for love when I was her age. I know my mother had problems with one of my boyfriends but she kept quiet. She was right, I was in a terrible relationship, but I think I had to learn that on my own. This might be a strange thing but I think my wisdom hit overnight. After nine months of crap from this guy I was ready to get out. I did and everything changed for me for the better. I felt better about myself, I was able to make friends, and I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. If my mother had spent a lot of time worrying it just would have been wasted energy.</p>

<p>I echo the earlier poster who pointed out at least she isn’t getting married. I have a friend who’s daughter is walking into what looks to be a disastrous marriage and there is nothing she can do about it. Her daughter is going to have to learn the hard way.</p>

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<p>caymandriver07- Hang in there! You’ve got it! You’re doing great and I do believe it gets better!</p>

<p>Adad- you’re not just Adad, are you? Very well put; excellent, cogent advise.</p>

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<p>Great job Cayman!</p>

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<p>Adad, that sounds like a really smart approach – and helpful to the young woman, too.</p>

<p>I know that some people (and this seems to apply mostly to female people – although my son also is like this) need opportunities to work through complicated problems by talking about them. It’s a “thinking out loud” sort of thing. The reflecting-without-offering-advice approach would give the young woman that opportunity without creating additional problems.</p>