<p>OP, moonchild has a good idea here. I’d especially start documenting the racist remarks, and ask everyone else to do so as well, particularly the Latina receptionist. But don’t present them to the boss right away; wait until multiple people have documented a pattern. At that point, the boss might not be so eager to hang onto FAB if it means an EEOC complaint.</p>
<p>I also think there’s something going on here besides the boss’s desire to keep a low unemployment insurance rate. Afaik, that only comes into play when an employee is laid off. Firing for cause shouldn’t affect the rate.</p>
<p>I’m sorry to hear this. As a business owner I’m truly interested in making an encouraging positive environment for everyone.</p>
<p>And your employer is dead wrong about her rates going up. Every payroll employers pay into the unemployment fund. If she’s never withdrawn from it she has a certain amount built up, though it’s not a lock-box. If someone makes a claim against you first you use up that credit. And if her rates go up, it would be so slight she probably wouldn’t notice.</p>
<p>Unemployment tax is never a reason to keep a toxic employee.</p>
<p>To have never fired an employee tells me the owner is a huge wimp. And it must have been detrimental over the years. Everyone matters in a office, not just the pet project. The problem isn’t your coworker, it’s your boss for allowing it.</p>
<p>Now whether you feel like you can have a serious conversation about the issues is another question. After 6 years it can’t be a surprise to anyone, but perhaps the boss needs to hear how deeply unhappy you are because of the behaviors of this person. At the very least, you can ask them for advice for how to deal with this person.</p>
<p>I have much to say. I’ve worked for over 40 years and have had numerous run-ins with FABs and other types of crazy people, and IMHO life is too short to put up with this nonsense.</p>
<p>First of all, definitely keep a journal of the things she says and does. You never know what you’ll use it for, but at the very least you will have it documented and that in itself will make you feel better. I worked with one man 35 years ago who would tell me XYZ on Monday and then swear on Tuesday that he had told me ABC. It became essential for me to keep a record of each and every encounter with him so that I was sure I wasn’t the crazy one.</p>
<p>Secondly, if the boss does fire her (which, it appears, ain’t gonna happen), it would not be “for cause.” “For cause” might be if FAB were stealing from the company or some other outrageous behavior. Being fired for being a FAB isn’t “for cause.”</p>
<p>But third, and most important, is this: </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Balderdash!!</p>
<p>Clearly you’re having a problem seeing your current value to your company and your potential value to another company. You need to develop a sense of your self-worth, and you need to start talking to everyone you know to see what other opportunities exist. </p>
<p>First of all, your self-worth: You have been a loyal, dedicated, solid-as-a-rock employee for 23 years for this company. You undoubtedly have numerous accomplishments you can point to. Not really knowing what your company does or what you do – Did you negotiate a better contract for the company? Convince a supplier that what they delivered wasn’t up to snuff and needed to be redone? Trained XX people coming through your company? Seriously, make a list of your official responsibilities, and a list of your unofficial responsibilities – “Oh, everyone goes to musicmom when they don’t know how to use the software.” Then, list 25 – yes, at least 25 – accomplishments over the last 23 years. </p>
<p>I have found that the best way to do this is, first, to get away from home. I usually use the public library when I need to be somewhere with only my thoughts and no distractions.</p>
<p>Secondly, if you have work calendars showing appointments and so forth from the past, that can be an excellent brain-jogger of the actual situations you’ve handled. If you lack that, maybe old emails will remind you of things that happened five years ago. Keep looking for those accomplishments. I guarantee you they are out there.</p>
<p>In the meantime, develop your “elevator speech” – a one-minute version of who you are and what you’re looking for. The “what you’re looking for” can simply be “an opportunity to contribute to a small but growing company.” It doesn’t need to be specific, because you’re just poking around to see what’s out there. The elevator speech is what you’ll tell everyone you bump into – the person who cuts your hair, your dentist, the mother of the kids your kids used to play with, your accountant, your contractor, and so on.</p>
<p>The 25 accomplishments will help you craft a resume that lists not only your basic responsibilities, bullet by bullet, but under each bullet you’ll be able to point to specific successes you had. If your responsibility is to order supplies for your company, your accomplishment might be, “Reduced expenses by XX% by negotiating “frequent purchaser” arrangement with suppliers” or some such. </p>
<p>You can’t change FAB. You can’t change your boss. But you can definitely change your perception of your own self-worth.</p>
<p>Thanks, sax. (I’m having my own issues right now. In fact, I’m rather astounded at how emotional I became when I posted. But I don’t want to derail the OP’s thread.)</p>
<p>The only way to stop a bully is to push back. Your boss has no ability to keep FAB in check, and also has no balls in firing anyone. It can play to your favor. When FAB is obnoxious or inconsiderate, call her out on it. I would be in her face whenever she is rude, maybe other co-workers will join in too. She may either stop or the environment may become so uncomfortable that she will leave. Two can play this kind of game.</p>
<p>I was in a very difficult situation last year - reporting to someone who was very threatened by me. We were very different people - I was quick in making decisions and able to follow through, and he was not. He didn’t get back to people, but he also didn’t allow others to make decisions either.He prevented me from having any contact with other senior people, everything had to be through him. He often made up stories about me or twisted what I said, and I wasn’t the only one he was doing it to. </p>
<p>As an example, the owner of company asked one of his guys to do something. This manager didn’t want his guy to work on it, so he told the owner that his staff was resisting in working on that project. When this guy found out what was said about him, he went straight to the owner. I was so aggravated in dealing with this guy that I told the owner either give me a different reporting line or I was leaving. I am now reporting to the owner. But it didn’t really stop there. My old manager continued to bad mouth me and he was caught in quite a few untruths. I then had to ask for new ground rules - if my old manager wanted to discuss me then I had to be in the room, and if he had an issue with me then he needed to work it out with me before he could escalate. I has been quiet for few months now.</p>
<p>I agree about documenting. If enough people document what is going on with FAB, it may have some weight. Be sure to limit this to things that could be considered to be contributing to a hostile work environment. Complaining about how she brags about money will only serve to lessen the other employees’ credibility and make you all look petty. Not that you are, but you want your complaints to have weight and not appear to be a witch hunt.</p>
<p>Your comment that she reminds you of your ex was not surprising to me. When I read the title of the thread, I thought “I wonder who this person reminds her of.” I have become aware that the people who REALLY push my buttons, the ones that I would use the word hate to describe my feelings about, remind me of someone in my past who was extremely hurtful and detrimental to my well-being. Exploring these feelings with a therapist can really help you to deal with them. We often spend more hours with our coworkers than we do with our families. They are not trivial or inconsequential relationships. Getting some help with these feelings and some suggestions for coping strategies is not a bad idea.</p>
<p>I own a small business. Several years ago, I had an employee who “turned”, that is to say, she was great for the first few years, then became a self important B. Two of my other long term key employees came to me after hours and told me that they loved working for me, but were considering leaving because of her. </p>
<p>I had a serious talk with the B and it prompted her resignation by the end of the week. Sometimes a boss’s eyes just need to be opened.</p>
<p>Maybe I am reading too much in to this, but I am guessing OP doesn’t want to leave her job of 23 years is because, other than the FAB, the rest of the office is a good “office family” </p>
<p>I would start confronting FAB in public, and encourage others to do so as well. “Did I just hear you say what I think I heard you say?” etc.</p>
<p>I agree with oldfort - call her out on it. Years ago I worked with a passive/aggressive person who pulled a lot of stuff directed at me. One day I very calmly took her aside and told her that I was on to her “baloney” and that it was going to stop now. She acted as if she had no idea what I was talking about, but her behavior changed a great deal for the better. She never did like me but she respected me (or I scared her). BTW this is very unlike me. I generally get along with everyone and I dislike conflict of any sort. It was a huge step out of my comfort zone, but I have never regretted it.</p>
<p>What is it that you think FAB wants to get from her behavior? Does she want to feel powerful? Does she get pleasure out of upsetting people? I think oldfort is exactly right. Pushing back removes whatever FAB gets out of her behavior. Now, of course, you wouldn’t be rude, but you have the right to set your own boundaries. You can absolutely say “you will not speak to me that way” and mean it. You can absolutely document her failure to provide you information required to conduct the company’s business in a timely fashion. If possible, communicate by email. I wonder how this woman deals with customers or vendors.</p>
<p>I work in a large firm, but there is a small, self contained department in the firm that had the most hideous case of workplace bullying I have ever seen. The victim is allergic to scent and the mean girl of the department began a campaign of harassment that included not only professional sabotage, but conspiring with her minions to permeate their work space and the ladies room with scent at all times. They actually made a schedule of who did what when. The mean girl was a hire of the new director while the victim was an old hand, so the director thought mean girl hung the moon. They suggested mental health for the victim’s paranoia and did nothing. Victim received the legal advice to document and calendar everything, including listing witnesses. What ultimately put a rest to the situation was the time stamp on email. It is very hard to argue with documentable proof that one employee asked for something repeatedly and was denied in real time by the person who swore the other was a liar.</p>
<p>Agree. Call her on it. Make it a group effort. Be consistent. Every time she is rude, someone should tell her. “That was rude and I didn’t appreciate it.”…publicly with others nodding.</p>
<p>Wow. You guys are awesome. I really have a lot to think about.</p>
<p>I am very loyal, tolerant and patient. I stayed in a marriage for 15+ years that shouldn’t have lasted 15 months. I do not like conflict. I don’t know why we can’t all get along. But I am now at my limit. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, I do not have an ally at the office as there is only one other person besides the boss, FAB, and me, and she is new and so far thinks FAB is ok. I know that FAB has tried to recruit her against me, and that is fine. Any friend of FAB is not to be trusted and is an idiot in my book anyway. lol My last ally, Judy, left a month ago, partly to make more money (what she told the boss) and partly because she also hates FAB. Judy is the one that FAB did not speak to for 6 months. The boss knows FAB and Judy had issues as she had to settle several disputes. FAB has even sent disparaging emails about Judy to Judy’s new co-worker (who also used to work here). </p>
<p>FAB is in sales. She can BS all day long with customers and vendors so they will not complain about her. </p>
<p>Looking back, I can now see that she usually has one target in the office. That target is now me. In the past, when there were more of us, her target changed every few weeks. Maybe this all getting to me now because I have no one with whom to commiserate. We used to say stuff like, “Well it must be your turn this week,” and laugh together.</p>
<p>I know FAB is jealous of me because of my relationship with the boss. Boss and I have worked together forever. We have a whole lot in common (morals, politics, IQ, etc.) and have helped one another with our kids and our pets. I very definitely respect my boss as the BOSS, but I also feel like we are friends, too. She is great about everything except dealing with FAB. Of course, FAB doesn’t usually pull her antics when boss is around, so all boss has to go on is what we tell her. </p>
<p>FAB also does it to feel powerful. I really think she is very insecure. She would love for me to leave so she would have seniority in the office. I have heard over the years, that every time I’m on vacation, she starts talking to the others about how we don’t need me and my job could easily be absorbed by the rest of them. She has no clue what I actually do. Part of my job is catching mistakes and fixing them, hopefully before the customer knows about it and before the customer’s bill is messed up. I am very detail oriented and able to look at the big picture and solve problems. She is disorganized and scatterbrained. We have absolutely nothing in common. </p>
<p>I could go on and on. Maybe I should start that journal…</p>
<p>Musicmom- I think you need to be completely honest with your boss. In the end, the bottom line of the company is at stake if FAB keeps driving off loyal employees.</p>
<p>I dealt with a workplace bully a couple of years ago. It was completely out of character for me, as I also do not like confrontation. I felt like doing it for “the team.” It was a new supervisor at a sort of public agency who was making many good, dedicated people miserable.</p>
<p>I documented everything. Then, at the next face-to-face encounter I used these words: “This feels like harassment.” It never happened again, at least to me. Now when ever I see this person I get a weak smile and she scurries away. I do realize that this is easier to do in a larger workplace.</p>
<p>Musicmom- I was in your shoes a few years ago. I had a team lead that was a pathological liar. I put up with it for years, knowing that he lied about everything and wasn’t even good at it! He would tell one person one thing and another person another thing and didn’t think we would compare notes. The final straw made me send an email to OUR boss telling him that I would do my job, but I would NOT work for the team lead anymore. By that time I was so stressed, and I absolutely hated going to work every day.</p>
<p>My family and I went on vacation and my goal was to figure out what I wanted to do- suck it up and deal with the team lead, or find another job. When I got back from vacation, I decided to give it one month to see if I could change my attitude about this person and just “let things go”. Two weeks into my month, the team lead decided HE was changing jobs! It was the best Christmas present ever.</p>
<p>I applied for his job, didn’t get it. My coworker (team leads fav) got the job. Coworker lasted ONE day as team lead and left. I am now the team lead and have been for 4 years. My boss told me later that team lead liar tried to get me fired for my email about not working for him!</p>
<p>I had the last laugh though because both my boss and our organizations boss have told me that I do a better job than previous team lead and I have a better team than he ever did. A year after I took over, we won a national IT award due to the work that my team had done AFTER team lead had left!</p>
<p>You said you haven’t taken time off in a while. Or maybe that was sick leave? I would recommend taking a few days to decompress and do some deep thinking about what it is YOU want. I would also think about talking to your boss, you say you have a good relationship with her; surely she can see what has been going on? Maybe she thinks everything is fine because nobody has said anything to her? Maybe tell her your thoughts- that you are thinking of leaving due to this person.</p>
<p>Well, that’s both the cause of your problems with FAB as well as your way out of the situation with FAB. After you document a lot of what’s going on, so you remember specifics and can refer to it if necessary, I think you need to schedule a lunch or an after-work drink with your boss.</p>