How to cope when you HATE a co-worker

Parent Cafe
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<p>From one musicmom to another, i do feel your pain!</p>

<p>I could have written your post, and im also a long time, usually go along nonconfrontational worker. Luckily, I work in a larger group of about 20. Most of us, varied in age, experience and background get along extremely well and our team productivity is high.</p>

<p>WE have also been unsuccessful in obtaining any change in the few behavioral outliers.
Funny that one in particular continues to try to engage me socially at work and isnt put off by my short sweet “hello” “goodbye” “fine” responses.
My longtime record is very good and boss likes having me around so im just focusing on the many other positives that i enjoy.</p>

<p>Wish you the best.</p>

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<p>Musicmom1215- in the context of what you said about your marriage (you stated 15 years when anyone else would have left after 15 minutes), maybe it’s worth talking to someone about why you put up with another relationship (here, a work relationship) that is so bad for you. I agree FAB is out of line, but I think people like her target people they can upset and manipulate. Or maybe I’m reading too much into it. I just feel for you and the marriage comment really hit home.</p>

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<p>I was the supervisor of someone I’ll call SAB. She was good at certain aspects of her job but thought the rules didn’t apply to her, tried to make her own schedule, turn in disallowed expenses etc. Her previous supervisor allowed her to get away with this because SAB preyed on her sympathies (SAB had a chronic illness and a lot of problems at home) and the previous supervisor was close to retirement and didn’t care anymore. When I was given the job (which I didn’t want), I did my best to rein her in, calling her out on her bad behavior, writing her up, etc. I lost a good employee because of her and had many complaints from the public about her. But my boss didn’t back me up, mostly because of history between her and the previous supervisor, although she did take notice when I was able to get complaints about her from outside the agency put in writing. I was only in this office once a week so there was only so much I could do. Finally, the entire department was eliminated and SAB retired.

^^Not this.^^ I’ve stayed in terrible situations, both personal and professional, way too long because of this mindset. There’s a difference between quitting and knowing when enough is enough. As long as you walk out of there (if you choose to) with your dignity and self respect intact, knowing you’ve done everything in your power to make it work, the FABs of this world will never win.</p>

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<p>Classof2015, I put up with people like this because I have a lot of patience. I am slow to pull the trigger on nearly everything. I also blame my mother (LOL) for raising me to “be nice to everybody” and put everybody else first. I should never have married my ex-husband. He was a decent guy though not my perfect mate, but when I tried to break up with him while we were dating, he cried! I was young, stupid, naive…whatever. Now I’m old, slightly wiser, still naive, but “crustier.” I have worked in lots of offices (we moved very often when I was first married), large and small, and have never run across anyone like FAB. </p>

<p>The reason I feel that if I quit, she will have won, is because I know that is her goal. Because I don’t think like a bully, I can’t “give it back to her” at the time. As in any disagreement, I usually think of the awesome comeback about two days later. The only way I can “give it back to her” is to not let her get her way. OK, you can add stubborn to my list of character traits.</p>

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<p>

I’m like that as well. I think I am just so taken aback when people are really rude that I don’t react quickly. </p>

<p>Perhaps you can have a few preplanned responses prepared. Short and simple - “well that’s just rude”, “what an odd thing to say”, “I’m sure you didn’t mean that to come across as rude as it was, but that was extremely offensive”.</p>

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<p>One of the advice columnists suggested asking toxic people “why would you say that” when they are out of line. It puts people on the spot in a polite way, and since there is usually no publicly acceptable answer, it defangs the beast. fWIW it has worked like a charm with the most toxic person I know, my sister.</p>

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<p>Me, as well. If you’re a “nice,” polite person who goes along and gets along, you expect others to be the same way and you’re so shocked when they aren’t that you don’t quite know what to do. I’ve gotten better at recognizing bad behavior as I’ve gotten older but I’m still not good at calling people out on it.</p>

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<p>^I like that one zoosermom</p>

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<p>Start saying it’s too bad her husband doesn’t make enough for her to stay home. That you really envy people who do that. They have all this time to shop and do pilates and lunch with their friends…</p>

<p>In reality of course it is hard once you are this acrimonious not to take offense at everything. It IS like the ex spouse situation. </p>

<p>Two thoughts…could you afford to take a vacation and decompress (even at home) and I admit after feeling this way about someone at my office I TWICE eventually sucked it up and decided to DRAT IT I am going to MAKE them like me. Strangely, once they start liking you then you start to like them more and things actually get better and you aren’t focused on all the negatives…because she couldn’t really be all bad. Fake it until you make it. </p>

<p>Best.</p>

<p>(hmmm posted above before read all the bullying stuff…)</p>

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<p>“If I quit, then FAB will have won.”</p>

<p>I had this exact situation with a FAB who was my boss. She clearly was threatened by me. She didn’t want me there, and she harassed me and created a hostile work environment. I complained to HR, knowing that I would be the one to leave. And I did, with a significant severance package. The package was in exchange for my not bringing a suit against the company for harassment – which I would have been justified in doing.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, the FAB is still there – although my sources tell me she is constantly being scrutinized – while I am very happy out of that place. I try not to tell myself that she has won, because the “contest” or “race” or “competition,” or whatever it is, isn’t over yet.</p>

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<p>Many people said to document. Why? This is a small company. There is no HR, only the owner. What would documentation do for OP, unless she wants to use, which I highly doubt she would do.</p>

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<p>FAB has many personal issues, all of which she has told us about. She says her mother abandoned the family when she was 3 years old. Her stepmother was hateful and FAB moved out of the house at about 14. She has no children of her own, which we all know “softens” us or at least makes us more compassionate toward others. She says not having a mother does not affect her because “you don’t miss what you never had.” Her husband drinks a lot and although is not abusive to her, is often inattentive (i.e. passed out on the couch.) Knowing these things, we have tried to cut her some slack, but she apparently has mistaken our kindness for weakness. She is so passive with her jabs to me and I am so naive that it took me a long time (a few years!) to realize what she was doing. I would love to document what she does, but most of it (until last week) sounds so totally benign that it would look silly on paper. Even now that I know she is jabbing me, I still pretend that I don’t and give her a sweet little answer to her remark.</p>

<p>For example, we do not have a receptionist in our office. We are so small that there is not enough to keep a receptionist busy. FAB’s office is front-most so she greets the walk-in customers. My office is further back and I can’t see the front. My job is to answer the phone. The third person, who can see the front door, is backup on the door and phone when FAB or I are busy. The door “dings” when someone comes in. FAB hates being at the front. She thinks it is beneath her to have to perform duties of a receptionist. She has no idea what my job is, so she thinks I should be receptionist, too. I can’t see the door, but usually hear the “ding.” It is my job to sort the mail. When the mailman comes in, he usually speaks, I recognize his voice, and go up front to get the mail. FAB commented last week, “It’s funny how you always hear the door when it’s the mailman.” I sweetly commented, “Oh, I was in the hall on my way back from the fax machine and I saw him.” Which is true, but I know she was jabbing. It just doesn’t sound like that when written up, does it?</p>

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<p>“if I quit, then FAB will have won.”</p>

<p>This should have absolutely nothing to do with what you should do next. To even be thinking this way, is a waste of energy that you need to direct in other ways.</p>

<p>There is nothing you can do about how FAB acts. Or what your boss does. Those are things outside of your control, other than what you know you can temper, and clearly that has brought you to where you are now.</p>

<p>You should be looking actively for a new job. Really, every and anyone should be keeping an active pulse on the job market and keeping oneself in the best shape for a move. Things change rapidly these days, and I’ve seen some long time employees let go who just did not even think about keeping themselves marketable due to the conveniece of their jobs and they just could not multi task job search with other things they have to do But if you are living paycheck to paycheck, it is a crucial thing that you know what your market is and can move if you have to do so, like if you are let go for any reason. It should not be a surprise if it happens and you should be poised to move. It’s just the way things are these days, and anyone not preparing is foolish. </p>

<p>Many of us work at jobs that we hate, with people we don’t like or despise, because that’s the best we can do right now, and to quit would make our lives more miserable and problematic. But in such situation, looking for any opportunity rather than just hoping one falls in our laps will increase the chances of getting out of the pit. </p>

<p>My son was in a similar situation as you were. There was someone in the organization that disliked him intently and the sentiments were returned. My son loved the job, and really, the only problem was that person. So he looked and found another job, told the boss while he was leaving, and it became a “him or me” situation which, of course, since few people like to fire anyone, turned out that my son took the new job. But he kept in touch with his boss and others there (except the person he disliked) and it was much remembered why my son left, and others watched that person more. Now two years later, my son is back with this company at a more senior position and a better career path, and they moved the problem to my son employee( who was a problem in other ways too) who then got fired at the new site. It took a while, but it also took preemptive action and some risks to get rid of the thorn in his side. </p>

<p>Clearly, if the job is the best you can find in your area and your situation, you have to put up and shut upu and hope it doesn’t come down to a choice between you and the employeee.</p>

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<p>documentation: You never know when you may need facts to support yourself. If you can bring up 3/1/13 FAB stated… and I stated… on 5/1/13 I… FAB did… ; you are more likely to be believed.</p>

<p>I use gmail to help me keep track of articles, meetings, events etc. I send myself an email or forward a journal article. When I need to find article, I search my emails. I send email notes to myself for sizes, addresses, etc. It’s easier than trying for find lists I put somewhere.</p>

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<p>You’re overthinking things. You’ve been working a long time, you’re clearly bright, so you need to train yourself to smile, nod, and ignore. If you recognized the mailman’s voice, why would you give a lengthy explanation about coming back from the fax machine and seeing him? Why do you even care?</p>

<p>Start your training now:</p>

<p>FAB (with smarm): “It’s funny how you always hear the door when it’s the mailman”.</p>

<p>OP (with a smile and a nod): “Thanks.”</p>

<p>Here, let’s try another example:</p>

<p>FAB (with smarm): “That cheap blouse makes you look pregnant. Are you going for that look?”</p>

<p>OP (with a smile and a nod): “Thanks.”</p>

<p>Last one:</p>

<p>FAB (with smarm): “Hey pizzaface, nice zits! I would think by the time you hit 60 you wouldn’t have zits anymore! What?? You’re only 50? Too funny!”</p>

<p>OP (with a smile and a nod): “Thanks.”</p>

<p>===================</p>

<p>Get the idea? Feel free to omit “thanks” in any of the examples above, just leave it at smile and nod. You should have this down pat in 5 minutes, and I think you’ll eliminate the need for documentation, changing jobs, vacations, etc.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the thanks idea!
Im stealing it, hope you dont mind.</p>

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<p>That’s also good advice for dealing with hormonally ranging teenage daughters!</p>

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<p>musicmom1215 – thanks for the explanation – I’m glad you’re crustier now. I hope to be that way someday :)</p>

<p>heyalb – I like that approach – sort of distancing yourself from the verbal attack. I would suggest a kind of preoccupied distraction – when FAB is nasty, wait 5 seconds, then look up. “What? Sorry – I wasn’t listening.” In theory, she is just doing this to get a reaction. Unfortunately, some people are just plain mean and will continue regardless.</p>

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<p>^ Go for it, mm. :-)</p>

<p>OP, If you must have some spice to your life, you can change “thanks” to “sure”, or “you bet”, or even “allrightarooney”. The point is to have a consistent, every time, one-word answer that is actually a “non-answer” (why does FAB deserve a real answer?), and she will know what your answer will be after six or eight episodes, IF YOU ARE CONSISTENT. She will cease her antics out of (a) boredom, (b) frustration, or (c) [who cares?].</p>

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<p>It might also be helpful to keep in mind that old saying “familiarity breeds contempt”. You know a LOT about this woman’s life to the point of being aware of the “goings on” in her gated community. I know this is a small office and some of this is unavoidable, but with someone you have a toxic relationship with, the less you allow yourself to know, the better. </p>

<p>I have always been in much larger office situations but was trained early on by a mentor to keep co-workers at arms length. Sure, I would venture out with them for a bite to eat at lunch or a quick drink on a friday afternoon (NEVER more than 1 drink), but with rare exception I was never one to have co-workers in my primary social circle. Not sure if it is too late in your particular situation, but perhaps it would help if you took a big step backwards as far as interaction with her on issues that do not directly involve work.</p>