How to cut ties with parents and still be on good terms

Parent Cafe
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<p>Thank you so much to everyone who has responded. Things have calmed down tonight and reading these posts has been incredibly comforting. It’s relieving to know that I am not in the minority and that achieving this will be possible. It is very difficult to not let the negative situation influence me to the point of misery but I try. When I’m away at school it’s completely fine but this summer is proving to be struggle.</p>

<p>I really appreciate all your suggestions and plan to make good use of them when fall arrives.</p>

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<p>a couple thoughts- speaking as someone who hasn’t lived with her mother since she was seventeen & my mother has major issues also. ( for instance my father died because of her negligence when I was 17)
One- I don’t see how you can cut ties and stay on good terms.
I believe that if you need to live elsewhere- then that is what you should do, but don’t expect your parents to be happy about it.
That would be unrealistic.
However, you can let them know, that after you get some space/distance & start taking care of yourself enough so that you can let them in, then you will do so if you can. ( if that is true)</p>

<p>I would also like to mention that as you probably already know, manic depression has genetic link, and you should keep that in mind as you become an adult.</p>

<p>I would also like to point out that as the " witch in the house", I have found that it is not uncommon for the bad cop/good cop roles, to be defined by sex, often because the male refuses to do what is needed ( or doesn’t even see it) and it is left for the other parent to pick up the slack.
No wonder they are grumpy.
It would be pretty fun to be the one who lets them have ice cream for breakfast, doesn’t ask to see their homework, and doesn’t call the friend’s parent to see if they are going to be at home.</p>

<p>I wonder if the attitude that " poor dad" has so much to put up with & isn’t actually exacerbating the situation, is helping?</p>

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<p>Another option if there is a significant amount of off campus housing at your school is to just sublet for the summer. There are often loads of kids glad to get even a portion of the rent covered during the summer months. If you have friends who have empty apt during the holidays, that could also be a place to crash for a few days after you have put in a few days of face time at home.</p>

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<p>In your actions, try to determine what the point of each action is:</p>

<p>If you want to scream and tell your mother she is crazy, what is the point, maybe you feel better, but nothing changes.</p>

<p>If you want to find a summer internship and avoid them, you can do it with or without telling them you wont to stay away.</p>

<p>It is a tough time in life to make decisions with far reaching consequences.</p>

<p>My DHs parents are unreasonable and controlling, I finally learned after being constantly grilled on every detail of our lives to first fax and now email regular updates. They feel involved, I control the flow and I don’t have to spend time on the phone being grilled. Every one thinks they win (the in laws think they know all about us, but they only know what we tell, and that is plenty)</p>

<p>I could pitch a fit and tell them all that is wrong with them, but they will not change and my DH wants the best relationship he can have with them, which turns out to be one on our terms and from afar. We have never stated that we keep moving farther and farther away from them to be far away, but we do it. </p>

<p>You are not required to tell them all about you and your motivation, you can do what you need to do and still keep the peace, especially whilst you are still becoming an independent adult. I find it helpful never to make these kind of decisions with permanent ramifications when I am emotional. I give it a bit of distance and time.</p>

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<p>Ah, I speak from experience when I say that Somemom is a font of wisdom on how to set boundaries with unbearable relatives.</p>

<p>You’re definitely not alone, Kellie. It’s not a situation that’s easily understood by people that don’t have some experience with dysfunction and mental illness, but you’re taking a step in the right direction by realizing that you need to protect yourself. I know wanting to cut yourself off from them is just an intense desire for some relief for a situation that’s so relentlessly painful. I hope you find a way to create some boundaries that help you feel some peace. Somebody mentioned re-inventing yourself, and that’s exactly right.</p>

<p>As Anne Lamott said about her mother,
“She did the best she could. It’s just that her best was awful. It was like The Ministry of Silly Walks trying to raise a little girl.”</p>

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<p>Welcome to my world.</p>

<p>“I have pretty much reached the breaking point with my mom. She has mental problems, like she has actually been diagnosed as bipolar but refuses to go on any sort of medicine or therapy.” </p>

<p>You owe her nothing so disregard how anything you do effects her. She has been offered and declined help, and if losing contact with you is what pushes her over the edge toward getting it then good for the both of you, and if not you don’t want to be around her anyway.</p>

<p>“Basically I don’t want to have to come back here for the summer EVER AGAIN.”</p>

<p>Difficult and probably unnecessary. You’ll have to learn to deal with her for periods of a couple days at a time, just in general in life. It is hard but try to stop letting whatever she does bother you, even if it involves cutting all emotional ties with her, if not physical.</p>

<p>“She is threatening that they won’t help pay for my college anymore but they pay for such a small portion that I told her that is fine. Which was a shock to her because she thought it was such an extreme threat. But they do not know how to save money so my financial aid is great. I would only have to pay an extra 5000 this year if they didn’t help me and I would just take out a federal loan for that.”</p>

<p>10k total is a good sized chunk of change. You could probably keep up the appearances of a relationship with her for a couple years and keep getting the money. And you indicated that you and your dad are fine and that he handles the finances, so FAFSA shouldn’t be a problem and you could probably get him to siphon you off the money. If worst came to worst, though, you could get the loans as long as your degree lends itself readily to a job (something like engineering or chemistry instead of something in the realm of liberal arts.)</p>

<p>“I know I will want to do research on campus or an internship over the next 2 summers but I am stumped on where to go during the downtime before/after these things start/end and also where to go on Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. Basically I don’t want to seem like I am cutting ties, just that I am conveniently unavailable to come home… also so that I don’t have to abide by her crazy rules anymore when I have no reason to in the first place besides the fact that they put a roof over my head.”</p>

<p>It is pretty easy to come up with stuff you have to do for a majority of the time. If you’ve got a week off between finals and an internship say you want to get moved in wherever the internship is or whatever. And to be honest a weekend here and there dealing with her should be manageable. Since you had the stones to post this I’m going to guess you just got in a fight with her and some of what you’re saying is emotions talking, but if you can’t just ignore her behavior for a weekend you need to work on that quickly. You can live in your apartment, which yes, you can use financial aid money for.</p>

<p>“Not to mention my boyfriend lives in my hometown so fleeing from the nest and never coming back creates a problem in that aspect too.”</p>

<p>Not really at all. You can be back in your hometown and her never know it. My parents are aware of about a third of my trips back to my hometown, which is about 3 hours from my college. If you’re worried about having a place to stay and your boyfriend lives at home and goes to college then you’re quickly realizing the realities of why long distance relationships really don’t work, but that’s another Generic CC Thread.</p>

<p>"I don’t even really know what the point of this post was, I guess I am just tired of being verbally abused and I need a way to escape but have no idea how or if it’s viable. I just know that this current situation is beyond repair. "</p>

<p>You’ve dealt with a lot and talking to a therapist would probably do you a lot of good. See if your school offers anything.</p>

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<p>Is this really true, that a child owes their parent nothing. I find it hard to believe that after 22 years or so of unquestioned support, we can just let our parents rot or go homeless since we owe them nothing.</p>

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I guess it depends on what you mean by “support.” Providing financial support doesn’t give the parent the right to emotionally destroy the child. And the OP never said she was going to let her mom go homeless.</p>

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<p>PS: A silly example, but I actually figured out how to limit the pain of my DH’s parents from the old movie the Labyrinth with Jennifer Connely and David Bowie, at the end, after being run ragged by all his demands, she realises he only has the power over her which she gives him…dingdingding…I had to cut EMOTIONAL ties with my in laws. I no longer want their approval, but I have never actually told them that. I just live my life and share what I want and they can believe they know me and that I regard them, but inside, I do not need their approval.</p>

<p>I merely seek to avoid any negatives from them to my DH and that has been enough of a struggle, no need to mess things up further trying to prove that I am right and they are wrong.</p>