How to cut ties with parents and still be on good terms

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I have pretty much reached the breaking point with my mom. She has mental problems, like she has actually been diagnosed as bipolar but refuses to go on any sort of medicine or therapy. She is insane and ruins my life constantly. She is just a mean person. My dad is nice, but they should be divorced because all she does is boss him around and rule the whole family with her irrational decisions. She treats him like crap. Basically being in this house, this town, even this state drives me up the wall and I can’t take it anymore.</p>

<p>Basically I don’t want to have to come back here for the summer EVER AGAIN. She is threatening that they won’t help pay for my college anymore but they pay for such a small portion that I told her that is fine. Which was a shock to her because she thought it was such an extreme threat. But they do not know how to save money so my financial aid is great. I would only have to pay an extra 5000 this year if they didn’t help me and I would just take out a federal loan for that.</p>

<p>I know I will want to do research on campus or an internship over the next 2 summers but I am stumped on where to go during the downtime before/after these things start/end and also where to go on Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. Basically I don’t want to seem like I am cutting ties, just that I am conveniently unavailable to come home… also so that I don’t have to abide by her crazy rules anymore when I have no reason to in the first place besides the fact that they put a roof over my head. </p>

<p>Not to mention my boyfriend lives in my hometown so fleeing from the nest and never coming back creates a problem in that aspect too.</p>

<p>I don’t even really know what the point of this post was, I guess I am just tired of being verbally abused and I need a way to escape but have no idea how or if it’s viable. I just know that this current situation is beyond repair.</p>

2

<p>Kellie: Coming back home after the freedom of being away is hard on everyone. Are you doing what you need to do to be a productive adult member of the household? Are you abiding by your parent’s home rules? If not, you are contributing to the conflict. Trust me, I know from both perspectives…the summer after my freshman year in college was rough. This summer, with my daughter home for the first time from college is equally rough.</p>

<p>I hope that your time away when school starts up again will give you the distance and perspective to realize maybe it’s not so bad and you can come home for visits.</p>

<p>That said, my parents moved far away while I was in college (NY to AZ) back when it was not easy to get from one end of the country to the other. It was difficult to find places to go on holidays when I couldn’t go home and the dorms were closed. I recommend two things…get an apartment and get a job. You can stay in an apartment year-round and you’ll need a job to offset costs if your parents don’t pay. In some places, living in an apartment is actually less expensive than a dorm/meal plan.</p>

<p>I hope it all works out for you. I’m gonna go home and see if my daughter thinks I’m insane now also. :D</p>

3

<p>Centh, I do hold up my part of the deal which is what’s frustrating. I have a job at home this summer and I also had a job all throughout last school year (my freshman year of college). I am not a bad kid - I don’t drink, stay out late, etc. I work, hang out with a friend or my boyfriend at night, home by 11 and go to sleep. I don’t do anything to inconvenience them or be treated like I’m a pain, but that’s how I’m treated.</p>

<p>The only thing about getting an apartment off campus during the school year is my financial aid… My financial aid will cover room and board but it won’t cover rent off campus obviously. I would feel foolish paying for rent when I could live on campus for free. I know it can be cheaper to live off campus in many situations, especially for students not on aid, but for me it is not the best option.</p>

4

<p>Ahhhh. As I started to read this I wondered if my younger D was doing the writing. </p>

<p>Your mom may have a mental illness. Or not. My younger D will tell you that I do. I do not, and my medical colleagues would support that. But my D would swear that I am crazy.</p>

<p>You mom is part of the problem, but my guess is so are you. Perhaps a family counseling session. There is often faith based family counseling available when money is tight. Sometimes a talk session with a neutral mediator, whomever that may be. </p>

<p>Your trying to be independent, your mom is trying to keep you from some of that. She is having trouble letting go. She wants to still have some control. You want total control. But when you are home and in the house, it is not yours to totally control.</p>

<p>Things will get better in a few years. I think talking things out with someone who can medicate, give each person ( mom, dad, you) time to talk and then to listen, is a start. Then working out compromises and agreeing when to agree, when to disagree.</p>

5

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<p>Not necessarily true. I use the Federal Stafford Loans to pay for school, split the cost with my parents. My tuition this year is going to be about $7000, or about $2333 for each of us (mom, dad, me–they are divorced and we all pay 1/3). My Stafford Loan for the coming year is $7500. After my parents pay and my loan goes through, there is an obvious excess which I have the option of applying to future payments (like the 10-11 year) or having rolled to my bank account. I get the excess rolled and use that money to pay for my apartment.</p>

<p>Check with your school’s financial aid and/or accounts receivables office to see if you can do this. I set up the FA through the FA office, and coordinate the deposit to my bank through the AR office.</p>

6

<p>Read the book, Toxic Parents. </p>

<p>Find a counselor at your university - should be free through the university health clinic.</p>

<p>You have the next two summers planned out, but are concerned about holidays. You do not mention your grandparents, uncles or aunts. Are there any relatives that you feel close to or want to develop a relationship with? It might be time to develop relationships with other family members.</p>

<p>What do foreign students at your university do for holidays - I bet many of them travel and they usually do so with other international students. I know one student who volunteers for Habitat for Humanity over their breaks. </p>

<p>Your university might have a volunteer program you can sign up for during your breaks.</p>

<p>Many times professors host students who cannot afford to travel home for the holidays.</p>

<p>Take care.</p>

7

<p>Remember that cutting off ties with your parents may mean that they refuse to fill out the FAFSA and/or Profile for you. There goes your great financial aid and all federal loans.</p>

<p>You want to be treated like a grownup? Then act like one. Make the supreme sacrifice of spending holidays with them. You cannot change them; change your reaction to them. Suck it up until you can really start supporting yourself.</p>

8

<p>Dear Mom,
I think you’re crazy, obnoxious, and toxic. You’re ruining my life. I’m leaving, I don’t ever want to live here again, and I’ll pay my own way.<br>
I hope we can still be friends,
D</p>

<p>Dear Dad,
Listen to me: Mom treats you awful. She’s bossy, and you need to divorce her. Now. You also need to learn how to manage your money.
And I’m leaving because I’m tired of everyone telling me what to do.
Love,
D</p>

<p>Don’t mean to be unfair to the OP, but just wanted to show a slightly different take. I think family counseling would be a great idea, or at least individual counseling for you - Perhaps to brainstorm ways of dealing with your family that don’t cause more harm than good, or to find ways to make the next couple of years bearable until you are truly on your own.</p>

9

<p>Are you guys even reading the OP? Her mom has actually been diagnosed as bipolar, and refuses to get treatment. She isn’t calling her mom insane out of hyperbole.</p>

10

<p>Binx, I have already told my father those things. We used to be close but aren’t anymore because my mom gets in the way. I’ve already told my mom most of those things, too, in anger.</p>

<p>Chedva, my dad manages all the finances and my mom kind of just sits around. He would be the one to give me the tax info for the FAFSA, which he would do because he would understand why I left. So I don’t have to worry about that.</p>

<p>Gravitysrainbow - thank you for realizing that. Our family doc told my mom she was bipolar a few years ago and suggested going on antidepressants and my mom laughed in her face and walked out of the office. Never went back. She then told us all the story laughing like it was a huge joke. She legitimately is crazy. A mean person is bad enough, but she is mean AND crazy. I am not just saying this as a disgruntled daughter. Being the target of her harsh words for the past 18 years has been proof enough to me. The diagnosis was just added confirmation.</p>

<p>Oh, and did I mention she is addicted to prescription pain meds?</p>

<p>I know some of you parents think I am lashing out because I want to be in control and don’t want to live by my parents’ rules, but it is really because I am tired of being talked down to and made to feel worthless by my mother. There is a difference.</p>

<p>When I said I wanted to cut ties and still be on good terms, I meant I kind of want to make it seem like I’m not actually cutting ties. I.e. doing internships, etc things that would put me away from home anyway, not just straight up saying “I don’t want to be around you anymore” creating harsh feelings, like living with a relative would do.</p>

11

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<p>All right, well, as someone with a mentally ill parent, I suggest that the OP not cut ties with her parents. Kelly, you’re almost there. You’re essentially living on your own now, anyhow. Find an internship in a different city, maybe one that’s close enough for your boyfriend to visit you but far enough that you can avoid visiting your parents. Look online for NAMI resources. Read “An Unquiet Mind” by Kay Redfield Jamison and learn more about bipolarism. There are plenty of books out there about the experiences of kids of bipolar and mentally ill parents, and I’ve found that reading those books makes me feel less crazy and makes my parent seem more predictable. It also helps me sort out what personality aspects are my parent’s and which are their disease. Find a counselor yourself, and have them help you pinpoint repeat patterns that make you and your parents’ interactions spiral out of control. Do outreach and start a support group in your town of adult children of mentally ill parents. Brainstorm ways to avoid conflict, and just to flat-out avoid your parents, while you’re at home.</p>

<p>You can always cut your parents off later, after you’re not in such a drama-filled situation, if you choose to do so. The ramifications of cutting them off now, while you’re in such close proximity to them, may not be clear to you. I know that feeling of wanting to get out, no matter what the cost, right. freaking. NOW. but it’s going to create more problems for you in the future than it’ll create solutions for you in the present, and cutting them off will not leave you on good terms with them… even if your bipolar mom DOES say she’s okay with it now, she’ll bring it back on you in the future.</p>

<p>One thing that someone once said to me that I found reassuring: One day, you will have a family of your own. At first, it struck me as sad, but I’ve found a lot of bittersweet relief in that sentence during some of the really lousy times.</p>

<p>Best of luck to you. It’s a tough road, but you’ve got options now that you’re an adult. Don’t screw things up for yourself in the long road.</p>

<p>PS, because someone’s gonna say it-- I don’t think general practitioners can diagnose bipolarism… I think they can only refer to a mental health professional for further diagnosis. Still, if your mom isn’t going to get treatment, it doesn’t matter if there’s a diagnosis or not. There’s the suspicion of bipolarism. Read books, learn more about it… and watch out for bipolar symptoms in yourself, and eventually, your own children. It’s hereditary.</p>

12

<p>I read the OP. And there are alot of patients who are not bipolar, but who “have been told” they are. Mom may be. She may not be. All we have is one side of the story. She may be menopausal, she may be bipolar, she may have depression, she may be controlling, she may be a witch. Counseling will help sort this out. A daughter with a mentally ill mom will also have to learn to find empathy.</p>

13

<p>Sunnyflorida, whether or not she is actually bipolar is beyond me. She is not menopausal, she had a total hysterectomy 10 years ago. She is a hypochrondriac, she is addicted to pain meds (another problem she refuses to admit, and my father chooses to ignore), and she is mean. I don’t care if she is actually bipolar, but she is a mean person and that is not something that needs diagnosis.</p>

14

<p>Wow, I could have written that post. My mom is also bipolar, diagnosed, and refuses to take medicine. She is also bossy and mean and treats my dad like garbage. I know how difficult it can be. I also know that she probably uses their assistance as a way to control you. If you let them it will never end. Any time you are near success she will do whatever she can to knock you down and keep you dependent on her. It is part of the way they control us. </p>

<p>So, I actually think cutting ties may be your best option. It is hard to do because we love our parents no matter how crazy and dysfunctional they are. Get yourself financially secure, get your own place, and move out. Let your mom know that if she wants to be in your life it has to be on your terms. You don’t have to be mean or vindictive. Just move and the next time your mom tries to push a button tell her that you will not talk to her if she is going to behave this way. She will either start treating you better, or she will lose you. Make it her choice, not yours.</p>

15

<p>My family was very dysfunctional, and after freshman year in college, I wisely found ways to avoid being with them during vacation and other breaks.</p>

<p>Thanksgiving, spring break: If school is open, tell your parents that you have to do academic or other work, so can’t come home. If school isn’t open, go home with college friends.</p>

<p>Christmas: Spend a few token days with your family, and then spend time (on your own dime) with other relatives or friends. Perhaps tie this to some research you’re doing for school assignments. </p>

<p>Summer: Internships, summer classes, etc.</p>

<p>It’s possible to do these things in a way that would disappoint your family (who probably do love you and want you home. One can deeply love one’s child, but still be a very disturbed, dysfunctional family), but not alienate them.</p>

<p>Also talk to someone at your college counseling center. Believe me, many college students have similar problems.</p>

16

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<p>From personal experience, that’s very draining. A person cannot have endless empathy, unfortunately, without it destroying them. I have empathy for my parent, but please don’t underestimate a child’s need for self-protection in genuine cases of a parent’s mental illness. </p>

<p>We may only have one side of the story, but is it appropriate to conclude that the side we’ve heard is necessarily wrong? I don’t see any use in telling the OP that she must be doing something to exacerbate the situation, and just as I don’t see any use in encouraging the OP to force her parents to face their situation if they’re bent on avoiding it… Hence counseling avoidance of conflict with her parents and education about the illness. You never know, the OP may decide in her readings that her mom is actually NOT bipolar. That’s what I concluded when someone proposed bipolarism as my parent’s diagnosis-- it was something else, for my parent. I think that encouraging the OP to live her own life without taking drastic measures with her parents along with educating herself on the disease are what’s going to do her the most good, not placing blame on anybody.</p>

17

<p>I think you can only have so much empathy when the parent refuses treatment.</p>

18

<p>“A daughter with a mentally ill mom will also have to learn to find empathy.”</p>

<p>But before that, it will be important for the offspring to find empathy for themselves and to protect themselves from being hurt emotionally and possibly even physically by the parent. It is very painful having a mentally ill parent.</p>

19

<p>I grew up in a similar situation, so I empathize. I also agree that you have to protect yourself from your mother. This means you have to take care of yourself emotionally, as well as financially, because there is no parent to care for you. You need to maintain a strict emotional boundary between you and your mother. However, it may be hard to really cut ties because the bottom line is that they are your parents and you will never sever that link until they die. I am 50, and I am still dealing with this. </p>

<p>Northstarmom’s practical suggestions for how to deal with the breaks/summers are good. Just spend a few token days with them here and there, and plan your life elsewhere. This will take some effort, but it’s worth it because you are planning your REAL life, your liberation. Do everything you can to build a life for yourself. This means being your own mother in every sense—learn to nurture yourself, discipline yourself, and most of all, learn to cut yourself a break.</p>

<p>I had to do all these things. It was a sort of self re-invention. Just know that it’s possible. You do not have to live your parents’ lives.</p>

20

<p>Posts 18 and 19 are excellent advice. Limit your days at home, limit your contacts with your mom, and work on taking care of yourself. I also agree with the advice to go to campus counseling for help with this. That will help you “to maintain a strict emotioal boundary between you and your mother.” </p>

<p>I also had a controlling, emotionally unstable mother and a bunch of other family problems when I was in college. Once I had my own apartment and job, then I was just home for very short visits. It helps a lot. I think maintaining the veneer of polite ties with the family is a good idea though, whenever possible.</p>