<p>I live with my mom. My mom never graduated from college, nor did she even complete high school (she’s from Africa). Therefore she doesn’t know what I’m experiencing and all the stress I have to deal with as a junior. That’s fine, I’m a pretty independent guy who’s done just fine and dandy in school without any parental help whatsoever. But the only problem is, my mom is getting in the way of my education. She is constantly nagging me about my computer use (telling me I use the computer too much) even though I constantly try to tell her that I’m working on all the homework I’m assigned (and usually I am). Whenever I say this, she always says “but so and so doesn’t do homework that long”, and when I try to tell her that so and so probably doesn’t have as rigorous a course load as I do, she always accuses me of lying and threatens to disconnect the homework. She has done it several times already that past two years. She is also unsupportive of my extracurricular activities, often calling them a “waste of time” and asking why I can’t just come home and help clean the house…</p>
<p>There is a giant list of grievances I have against her, but I won’t bore you guys with all of them. What exactly am I supposed to do??? Has anyone dealt with a situation like this before? I love my mom, and she’s generally a nice lady, but she’s just so hardheaded and difficult to deal with sometimes. Any suggestions?</p>
<p>I agree about the GC meeting. And if you can, share some of the info you are telling us with the GC before your meeting. Just that your mom isn’t from the US, and doesn’t seem to appreciate the difficulty of your course load (or maybe the importance of good grades in getting into college and maybe getting merit money). Although be careful with that one, next thing you know she will be sure you can get a full ride to any Ivy! Also that some extracurriculars look good on the college applications. And if you think your mom isn’t so clear on it, the value of going to college. That will give the GC some idea what you hope to get out of the meeting; if they are any good, they will help bolster your arguments.</p>
<p>I’d skip the computer stuff with the GC if I were you… just hit on those big picture items.</p>
<p>Also, tell her next time she talks about so and so not having homework, you can comment that so and so probably doesn’t have good grades, and isn’t shooting for a good college education so they can help support their mom in her old age. Then give her a hug Rinse and repeat.</p>
<p>If she’s ignorant on the topic then she needs an education.</p>
<p>Explain to her how much much of a difference there is between a HS student who take a rigorous course load and does well in them and a student who takes a minimal course load and might be doing a poor job with those. You might need to write out examples for her.</p>
<p>Explain to her the possibility of getting scholarships at better colleges if you do well in your rigorous HS courses.</p>
<p>Explain to her that getting into college, especially a better one, can greatly help you succeed financially in life which will, in turn, end up helping her to have a financially stable member of the family (who might have to take care of her in some ways in the future).</p>
<p>Invite her to come sit with you for a bit so you can show her what you’re doing on the computer and how it really is HW including researching whatever it is you might need to research.</p>
<p>Help her with housework reasonably as well so she can’t say you never contribute in that area.</p>
<p>In the end she might not budge at all in which case you’ll need to try to continue what you’re doing despite the nagging and ignorance. You only have less than 2 years before you’re hopefully in college.</p>
<p>I have a more specific suggestion about the computer use. I realize that is not the ‘real problem’ (which is much bigger) but it might help with your credibility and her sense you are just hanging out online.</p>
<p>Yes you need it for homework but really maybe you should close the lid or work in another room until you really need it (and only go on when you really need it). You do have to think and compose ideas before writing; you have problem sets from the textbook, you have so-and-so worksheets. If you are like me or my kids, you are sort of working with the computer on while surrounded by other stuff, but you probably could put a bit of thought into making it more obvious you aren’t just hanging out on the computer but are actually doing homework. It will give a different impression to someone who doesn’t know what it’s like. </p>
<p>As an aside, as a prof who is constantly on my computer, when I remember to step away from it and spend more time THINKING and less time ‘doing’ online, I am wayyy more productive and the quality goes up. Plus there are fewer distractions this way. So it might have a side benefit for your studies too.</p>
<p>I may regret posting here, but I can’t help but think she is not as “ignorant” as you think. What do you mean she is from “Africa”? What country, and how? Most people who make it here from “Africa” have a lot of strengths “we” could learn from.Your biggest problem is not enough computer time, a nagging mom, and parental “ignorance”? I wonder what her’s was.</p>
<p>I also think there are plenty of kids on HSL who would tell you to stay away from the computer while doing homework.</p>
<p>Do you have chores? How much time do you spend during the week helping around the house? Do you eat with your parents and talk with them during dinner?</p>
<p>If either of my kids were spending all of their time on the computer when they were home, even if it was doing homework, I’d think there was a problem, too. Maybe I have the wrong idea, but are you sure there isn’t some merit to your mom’s complaints?</p>
<p>Your mother grew up with a completely different set of cultural expectations than you have. This means that even though you love each other, and are concerned for each other’s welfare, it may be extremely difficult for either of you to truly understand the other. If there are other people from your mother’s original community who live near you, they would be the first to go to for finding a way to improve your communication with your mother. If there is no one from your mother’s home culture available, a person who has experience with similar cultures, or even just with immigrant parents in general, may be able to help the two of you out.</p>
<p>Some parents will deliberately impede their child’s progress if they are afraid that that progress will result in the child becoming permanently separated from the parent and the parent’s cultural traditions. I doubt that your mother falls into that category. I expect that she is simply baffled by the differences between your teen-year experiences and hers, and the differences between the behavior that she observes in you (e.g. all that studying), and what she is able to observe (or hear about) in the other children of her immigrant community. And as for those children of friends, perhaps they are studying as much as you, but she just doesn’t see them doing it.</p>
<p>You do need to find out what it is that your mother does expect you to be doing. Again, there may be some very specific cultural expectations here. Maybe it really is indeed your responsibility as Child1 to clean, whereas the responsibility of Child2 is to cook, and Child3 must feed the livestock. If so, then some adjustments can be made to account for modern household appliances, but getting the cleaning done still has to happen no matter where your family lives!</p>
<p>Any way you could buy your own computer and sign up for your own internet plan? You can get wireless air cards for $40ish a month these days.</p>
<p>If it’s your computer and internet what is she going to do? Cut the electricity? Having this set up also makes it easy for you to study at school or Starbucks or the library.</p>
<p>By the way - maybe you could meet her expectation of you helping around the house by speinding 20 minutes each day doing something productive and helpful to running the household. This is a reasonable. Help clean, do laundry, do yard work. Show her that you are a contributing member of the household. Even kids with sports, clubs, and multiple AP classes can spare 20 minutes a day. Socialize with your mom while helping clean the kitchen or something like that - it would be a good study break. Seriously. Work on something challenging for an hour or so and then use this as a 20-minute break.</p>
<p>I bet that if you did this even 3 or 4 days a week, your relationship with your mother would improve and she would see you more as a mature, contributing member of the household rather than someone who is “always on the computer.”</p>
Also that some extracurriculars look good on the college applications. And if you think your mom isn’t so clear on it, the value of going to college. That will give the GC some idea what you hope to get out of the meeting; if they are any good, they will help bolster your arguments.</p>