My dad has problems. He blows up over details that, even when I investigate them, turn out to be insignificant. He has screamed, smacked, been perpetually disappointed in me, even when I do exactly what he’s been saying. My mother has seen this in him for years; he’s upset when he doesn’t get what he wants. He has even threatened to shoot me. And probably the most baffling part is that the next morning he will be totally calm as if the stress of the day before never happened.
At this point, I’m almost wrapped up with my applications and awaiting teacher/counselor/outside recommendations. This is the part that’s out of my control. How should I approach this whole thing and get him to communicate better?
Find a college at least 2 hours away from home and get out!
Echoing @coolguy40 – go away to colleges far away so that you don’t have to go home for holidays. Then move on from there. At college, be sure to take advantage of their therapy services. You will not be sorry that you sought out a professional to talk with. Having overbearing parents is very hard, but the best thing that you can do now is to realize that your life comes first. You cannot solve your parents’ problems–not their personal emotion issues nor their marriage issues, nor anything else. You have enough to deal with in becoming your own independent, successful person.
Leave home and don’t look back. If your father in the future decides that he will cut off your finances for school in order to coerce you to come home (or for some other trumped up, manipulative reason to be awful to you), then be prepared. If that should happen, you may need to interrupt your schooling in order to wait until you are a fully financially independent adult. At that point know that there are programs that welcome students with interrupted college careers. Google “nontraditional” student and you should find a list. Seek out a school that pledges 100% support.
It may be hard for you to fathom “leaving” your parents for good or even for the next four years, but trust me. It is for the best. It is the rare person who can change themselves and become kind and gentle after the pattern that you described. If he should come around, he will need to do so on his own. You can’t make this happen. If he does mellow and grow kind, then you may return to him. But you come first. Take care of yourself first.