Hey guys, I’m a senior in high school right now and by now we’ve all been through some rough times. First semester just passed for me, and I’ve been feeling kind of down. A couple months ago, I got deferred from my first choice. Right now, my first semester grades aren’t too hot (in 6 AP classes, I have 3 As and 3 Bs, excluding +'s or -'s). I just got a mediocre result from a writing contest and haven’t gotten any other awards since the beginning of the year, which is crucial for my update letter to my ED school that deferred me. I feel like I haven’t done anything too impressive since the beginning of this year, and I feel insecure about my prospects for next fall.
What do you guys do to cope with feeling inadequate, or failure and/or rejection in general? I just feel kind of unmotivated, apathetic, and sad at the same time. I hope you guys are all doing well, especially the seniors in these rough couple months of waiting for schools and trudging through high school.
Hopefully you applied to matches and safeties that you would be okay with attending. Don’t attach your self worth to what college you get into – there is likely something to get excited about at every college you applied to. Keep your eye on that, and don’t think about your applications too much – it just isn’t very productive. I have one kid who went to a second tier school and has had great career results in the few years since she graduated (she just put in an application for a director level job at her corporation, and her current boss thinks she will likely get it). So don’t be so wrapped up in your college admissions results – you can succeed from anyplace.
Lecture 101:
This is a tough time for you and loads of other students waiting to hear from schools. It is probably particularly tough for those students whose parents have turned education into a competitive exercise. This is an unfortunate trend in this country. I know it is popular in other countries but I really wish those countries would not export it!
There are probably a ton of schools that you would love and thrive in. In contrast to what people on this site often convey, getting into college is not a trophy or an award for getting certain grades in school. Students don’t “earn” slots in schools. Some parents try to entice their children to work hard in school by promising that good grades will get them into “a good school”. And some people have a very narrow definition of “good”. For some, “good” is limited to 10 specific schools. These parents have done a disservice to their kids.
Most students fretting over getting into one of these 10 schools would probably be just as happy and would probably fit as well or better in another school. Students desperate to get into these schools often know little about education. I could switch the signs on these schools, take the student to Trinity College and tell the student it was one of the 10, introduce them to everything Trinity, (Ct:Trinity classes, dorms, etc) and they’d be thrilled to be there, thinking it was Yale. The number of students who are now thinking they “deserve” to be in the most elite schools in the planet are astounding. There are loads of great schools. For any specific student, there are dozens that would be excellent. At least in the US, opportunities are not doled out according what school you graduated from. Consider yourself to be lucky to be able to go to any school you get into.
I am making these points because you, OP, seem to be bummed out about the prospect of not getting into a specific school and it seems like you view getting all A’s and winning awards as a ticket in. But they are not tickets in. Getting an award in a writing contest is a prize for writing well. The award is your prize. Getting A’s is the reward for mastering material at the highest level possible in your classes. The A’s are an acknowledgement of that achievement. They are your award. Getting into a college is a sign that the college thinks you fit what they are seeking better than other applicants who they did not extend an offer too. it is not an award or a prize or even an indication that you are better than another student who did not get an offer. Likewise, if you don’t get an offer, it is not an indication that you are not as good as someone else or that you did not “earn” a offer. There are all kinds of reasons students are extended offers or not extended offers. The offers are not an achievement. Good grades are an achievement but they don’t “earn” you anything. The conflating of these various factors (grades, awards, offers) generates all kinds of problems for students. And parents who are confused themselves and make false promises make matters worse. It is no wonder students who are rejected from their dream school can feel they have been tricked into “working hard for 4 years for nothing”. The idea that high school is all about competing against peers to get the best grades which will serve as tickets to one of 10 schools is harmful. It’s no wonder so many students end up bummed out.
Your grades are fine. You don’t need to have perfect grades to show that you have mastered academics at a high level. Even straight A’s may not result in a offer to the college you want to attend. The offers you get rest on whether you fit what the admissions counselors are looking for. You could get all A’s but be rejected because the major you expressed interest in is capped, for example. So stop looking at admissions as if it were some reflection on your self worth. it isn’t. Instead, if you have completed all your applications turn your efforts back to things you view as worthwhile. Find pleasure in the things you get to do.
lostaccount gave you some great advice. Allow me to add to it.
In your post you described yourself as “down” as well as “unmotivated, apathetic, and sad.” Those emotions are a warning sign; please heed the warning.
If you continue to feel this way, please talk to your parents, school counselor, or a health professional. You may need assistance to manage your stress throughout this process.
OP your post sounds like you are discouraged but I don’t think you come off as having “failed”. Your grades may not be what you hoped for and you haven’t won awards but neither have many, many other people. Also you were not rejected from your top school, but deferred. I think it is normal to be stressed at this time of year. Keep your chin up! I liked #2 post and I think the post above has a point if it gets to that. But try to imagine that in six months (August) you will be headed to the next chapter of your life…and it will be as great as you make it.
These kinds of feelings are pretty common, I imagine. All of this effort and stress is put into getting those applications in and then … you wait. It must feel anticlimactic. And you are probably feeling fatigued and wanting to be done.
Are you getting enough sleep?
Nobody wants a deferral but it’s better than an outright rejection. I agree with the earlier comment, if these feelings persist, talk to an adult that you trust and maybe seek out some counseling.
Hello, OP!
I’m sorry, first of all, that you’ve been going through tough times lately - especially since it sounds like you’re a high achiever who places high expectations upon themselves. Consequently, though, that means that you have a lot of potential, and you know that you do.
Speaking from personal experience, this past month was tough on me - I did terrible on my SAT, I didn’t get the lead role in the play I wanted, I experienced a break-up, I didn’t make the cut for a certain other test, and one of my closest friends hasn’t been talking to me that often. However, although I experienced failure and rejection during this past January, it forced me to reevaluate both myself and my priorities - that many of the things I was doing were motivated solely by an impetus to do something great, rather than because I liked doing them, and that I was still pursuing the image of the “Vanessa Hudgens” golden girl as opposed to appreciating myself and the talents that I had to offer.
(Sorry that was so exclusively focused on me!) Anyway:
- Cry it out. It’s okay not to be okay! There have been numerous studies that show that you do feel better after you cry (I believe it’s because you release endorphins).
- Take a deep breath whenever you feel stressed, and drink some hot tea!
- Know that what college you get into DOES. NOT. DEFINE. YOU. Your college is not a representation of who you are as a person, nor what you have to offer - even if you feel like it is a “perfect” fit, you will never be able to judge that until you’ve spent time there, and the same goes for other colleges as well. A college is an institution to help you get educated so you can succeed in whatever career you’d like to pursue; it is by no means your entry into the career. From what you’ve said, it sounds like you are an extremely determined person, and that - because your will is so strong - you will find a way to succeed in life and in your career. If you’re worried about others judging you based on the college you went to, their opinions shouldn’t be as important to you as those you have about yourself, and honestly, they don’t have the right to judge you based on one aspect of your life.
- Love yourself and appreciate yourself because you are an amazing person, regardless of failures. Use your failures as your impetus to do better, and to succeed - to remind you that you tried because you loved something, and you would have always wondered “What if?” if you hadn’t tried in the first place. You took a risk, and you should be proud of it
I hope you feel better, OP, and that better days are ahead of you.
Thank you guys so much for all your responses. I really needed to hear some of the things you said, especially @lostaccount and @desideratum. I know that college does not define me, but in the midst of the college frenzy it is hard to remember sometimes. It doesn’t help that I was very close to getting an A- for a class but ended up with a B+ just a point away, and was just a point away from getting a B+ in a class but ended up with a B. Small complaints like these add up and sometimes make me feel very inadequate, even though I know it shouldn’t be a big deal.
I think a combination of problems academically and even socially (I can relate to the friend thing, desideratum!) are contributing to my slight depression. I am in a lull right now but I know the next few months will have better days.
If there are any other seniors who are feeling this way, feel free to get it all out! I know it can be stressful. Any more words of wisdom are appreciated, too.
Ah - I understand how you feel about the grades, especially coming down to the wire when it feels that every single point can be make or break and a lot of your hope is riding on those points to come through.
However, please know that you’re still incredibly endowed regardless of your grades, because in many respects grades are just numbers/letters, and ones decided subjectively at that (especially for English classes). Also - especially since you’re a senior right now, it may be better to refrain from visiting CC - or any social media sites, at that - excessively, because it can be a constant bombardment of others’ accomplishments and their insecurity with things that may seem even loftier than those you have achieved contributing to bring down your self-esteem! As hard as it is to not compare yourself with others, I hope you’re better able to in the coming days You’re unique, and you’re yourself, and nobody can match up to that - and if college admissions officers don’t appreciate that, it’s their loss.