How to deal with overbearing parents with extremely high expectations?

My parents only want me to go to top schools and scoff at schools that they’ve never heard of but are still great schools (example: University of Virginia, University of Richmond, Bucknell, Hamilton, Boston College, Lehigh). They are really pushing an ivy league school but I’m not sure if I’m really into that. They also believe that an ivy is the be all and end all. How do I break this barrier with them and make them realize that there are other great schools out there that don’t have to be an ivy league school?

Unfortunately some parents are like that. Everyone’s strategies are a little different… But at the end of the day you are their child and they will have to respect the choice you make. If you can justify your ultimate choice of University for yourself, they cannot stop you from making that choice.

You could write sloppy essays on your Ivy applications. :frowning:

No don’t write sloppy essays. Your parents know very little about colleges. if they have not heard of UVA they really know almost nothing. They probably come from a country that over values Ivy schools because that is all they hear about and so they assume they are “better” and more “prestigious”. They are wrong. I’d suggest you have a relative talk with them or have your guidence counselor explain things and advocate for you/

@1650mile, assuming the parents are paying, that sure isn’t true. OP, are you competitive for top schools?

Your case can be statistical, should you feel that this might appeal to your parents’ sense of reasoning. Looking at your listed choices, for example, some of the schools have 75th percentile standardized scores that are significantly higher than the 25th percentile scores at the strongest of the Ivies. In this meaningful sense – in that it relates to the academic preparation of incoming students – it’s the overlap among the referenced colleges that is apparent, not the differences.

Beyond this, the pure undergraduate focus of a true LAC is, strictly speaking, not available within the Ivy League. So if you might prefer this type of academic environment, Ivy schools may not be the optimal destination for you in any event.

@lostaccount they are from America haha. I did talk to my counselor about it a few months ago but if they are still doing it when school starts again I’ll see if she can talk to them. And I know, UVA is a great school but my mom said “I don’t see what’s so special about it” but we are going to visit in August but maybe she’ll change her mind.

@intparent yes I am competitive for top colleges I believe but I’m not exactly sure that’s what I want just because I hear about the high pressure and un-fun environments at some ivy league schools.

What state do you live in?

If you aren’t on the east coast, and your parents aren’t tapped into the current college rumor mill, then it is entirely possible that your parents have never heard of the places on your list. It also is likely that they don’t understand how difficult it is to be admitted to an Ivy these days.

So, have a chat with them about how much they can pay for college, and find out what places they’d like you to apply to as a back-up for their current all-Ivy list.

@junior2017 in dealing with your parents, broaden the discussion - not to include other schools (that comes later) but to include other factors such as location (any place outside the NE eliminates the Ivies), costs, size, majors or disciplines, even residential life, sports, and of course, acceptance rates. By doing this, you can bring in other schools. In other words, don’t attack or resist the Ivies. That won’t work.

Make sure they understand you need to apply to schools with a range of acceptance rates. Yes, Ivies and other single digit acceptance rate schools offer prestige great education, fantastic peer groups, etc. But you need a range, so suggest those schools you listed.

In fact, tell her you need to first search for a safety school. This is a school you are absolutely sure you will be accepted and your parents can afford and, this is important, you will be happy to attend. If you think “ABC is my safety but I hope I get into at least one other school because I don’t really want to go”, ABC is NOT a safety. Competitive students can be admitted to hundreds of colleges - that’s the easy part, it’s the “happy to attend” part that is difficult. So tell your parents, you need to focus on “lesser” schools for now to find that safety. It’s the hardest part of the search.

It’s important to bring college costs into the discussion. With your parents, run the NPC for every Ivy and school on your list (and more). This should be done no matter what school is on your list. Even if they have saved and/or have the income to afford full pay at an Ivy, it’s hard to hand over $70,000+/year (likely $80,000/year by the time you are a college senior) to any college. (This is where you can bring up the concept of merit aid)

All that said, your mom has shown she is open to visiting other schools. Keep suggesting schools to visit. Apply to a couple of Ivies and everyone should be content. good luck.

As a parent who is decidedly not “Ivy or bust” (despite having attended a certain institution in West Philadelphia), I am always curious about why some parents take this POV. BTW, I too assumed they are immigrants as I’ve seen this mentality to be fairly prevalent among Asian parents I know (don’t hate, I’m one myself).

So here are my questions:

  • Did your parents go Ivy themselves?
  • Why do they feel that it’s so important for you to go to an Ivy?
  • What are you planning to study/do for a career?

More importantly, if you do not get admitted to any of the schools they want you to attend (a very real possibility), will they disown you or refuse financial cooperation for you to attend any other college?

If so, then you may need to look for full ride merit scholarships as your backup options.
http://automaticfulltuition.yolasite.com/
http://competitivefulltuition.yolasite.com/
http://nmfscholarships.yolasite.com/

The Ivy League is a sports conference

^Insightful!

Hi everyone, my parents are indeed not from overseas and we are caucasian. My parents did not go to Ivies themselves and I think they want me to go because they think that if I graduate from an Ivy League school, I will get any job I want. I don’t think they are as interested about my personal fit or if I like the school or not. I’m just trying to comply and visit some Ivy League schools but ultimately create my own list of schools I want to go to.

^ Smart. The Ivies accept very very very few students. While I would go ahead and apply to one ( research which one fits you) you need to cast a wide net. Good for you for following your own voice in this process.

“they think that if I graduate from an Ivy League school, I will get any job I want”

Well they are wrong about that. Graduating from an Ivy doesn’t guarantee you anything other than the right to say that you graduated from that place.

What do you want to study? What job do you think you’d like to get ready for? If you know that, you can create a logical application list.

I like what @goingnutsmom suggests. The Ivies are all very different, you’ll probably find one or two that you would be OK with. Pick those out and advocate for them with your parents. Whenever they start talking “Ivies” you rave about your specific Ivy. See if you can get them to understand why that Ivy is right for you. Then you can show them the other schools you like and explain that the reason you like them is that their X program is comparable to (or better than) your favorite Ivy’s.

Amherst and Grinnell probably would not be safeties for anyone. Also, Grinnell’s curriculum is not completely open, since it limits the number of credits one can take in a department and within a division (science, social studies, humanities).

I completely agree @ucbalumnus …that’s why I changed my post :slight_smile:

But since OP loves and wants to apply to schools other than Ivies, I was trying to consider ways to get the OP’s parents to understand and support the student’s desire to apply to other places.

“they think that if I graduate from an Ivy League school, I will get any job I want”

That’s hilarious. Have them talk to some ACTUAL ivy grads. Sure, great opportunities abound and all that, but no, it’s not a golden key to anything.