I have recently made the decision to attend Mississippi State, which is roughly 8.5 hours away by car. My mom is totally okay with me going that far away, but my dad is totally against it. My dad seems to think 18 is too young to be so far away and that it is best for kids to go about 2.5 to 3 hours away to school at most. I respect my dad but I disagree. I will be on scholarship that waives out of state tuition, so the costs are not a concern. It is merely how far away it is. How can I get my dad to see that I am ready and that he should trust me on this one?
Promise to skype every week.
Explain to him that a lot of kids go much, much farther. He should be glad that you are within driving distance! Is he more worried that you won’t be able to take care of yourself, or just that he won’t get to see you as much?
@lalalemma he seems to be worried that he won’t see me as much I suppose. I guess he was expecting me to be running home every weekend like my older siblings did when they were in school. I love my family but I’m just not that type! Much more independent than that.
Americans your age have been serving in the military all over the world for more than a century. With today’s communication technology, you can stay in touch in ways that previous generations could not. Maybe you could identify one or more attractive destinations halfway between Mississippi State and home. Will you have a car? If so, you could plan some weekend meet-ups during the year. Your parents could also look into visiting for an event in the fall. I realize that financial circumstances might limit such opportunities, but inviting your parents to share some of your excitement can narrow that distance.
@woogzmama My dad has been in the Army for almost twenty years so you would think of all people HE WOULD UNDERSTAND!
If he’s against it but not to the point that he refuses to pay for you to go there, the best way to ease his mind is probably to spend a year there without the sky falling. When my kids were younger they could say they wanted to go to the college on the opposite coast and I wouldn’t think anything of it. Now that the oldest is a junior it’s “wow, we’ll only see him 3 times a year if he’s 10 hours away.” That said, he’s welcome to go any place we can afford.
Point out there’s a good chance he’ll PCS to a new place soon and be more than 8 hours away from the other school.
“8.5 hours away by car”
Part of his thoughts might have to do with whether or not it’s easy to get there and back by other means than driving. If the only realistic way to get there (bad plane/train/bus connections) is by car, then someone will have to tote and fetch you for any holidays or breaks when your parents expect you to come home, or your parents are going to have to trust you do do that driving on your own.
Take a page from sale techniques: Ask him what his concerns are about the distance, think about them, then come up with plans for addressing each objection.
Example:
His objection: “It’s too far for you to drive on your own.”
Your solution: “I agree. This is how I will come home on breaks (outline plan here) and this is how I will move my stuff there (insert plan here)”
Him: “We won’t know how you are doing until we hear about it on the 11 o’clock news”
You: “I will skype every Sat night.”
Etc.
Also, remind him of the pros of why this is the best choice college for you.
How are you going to get there? Are you going to drive yourself? Are your parents? Are you going to fly?
I definitely try not to be a selfish kid and. I have began to think about lugging my stuff back and forth. My dad is from Alabama and my family usually spends Thanksgiving and basically any holiday besides Christmas in Alabama so the drive there isn’t bad. I have an uncle outside of Tuscaloosa and have offered to meet there or Birmingham any time. This significantly reduces the commute for my parents. I think it’s just about convincing my dad that I will be OKAY if I’m not closeby. My dad was a bit of a “mama’s boy” and is assuming I will be the same way when I leave. I really am ready to leave the nest though! To give you a frame of reference we are in the Savannah area.
I’ve had kids go to school both near and far. Near makes things easier in many ways. My bottom line has always been that if they want to go further away then then need to explain to me why that school is a better fit than other ones which are closer by. IMO the best thing you can do is talk to him (maybe with your mom so you have an ally there) maturely. Tell him things like: why that school is the best option for you and your goals, that you feel you are mature enough to handle the distance (and give an example or two of how you have proven yourself to be mature, hard working thus far), that have considered how to minimize the hassle to him and your mom (ex. you have already spoke to your uncle), how you plan to keep in touch regularly (Skype etc.), that even if you went to school nearby you wouldn’t expect to come home except for school vacations, see if you can find out if there is transportation from the college back home (ex. a bus you can take back for breaks) etc.
Always a good idea to understand the specifics of his concerns. Post 11 is a good start.
Since you think it may have to do with worries about readiness, it may be worth asking more about that. What skills does he think you need to have in place to optimize your time away? Perhaps you can make an extra effort to demonstrate to him that you are taking his thoughts seriously and doing your best to prepare in anticipation of the change. I think many parents would appreciate their young adult kids being able to initiate a deeper conversation and listen to whatever comes of it. You may also find specific concerns that can be addressed in a way that is reassuring to him.
Best with your school plans.
You are ready to leave the nest but your dad isn’t ready for you to leave the nest.
It’s tough for a parent to let their kids go. Let your mom work on him. Enlist her help.
Er, how about Monday night? Hopefully, you will have better things to do on Saturday nights at college than Skyping your parents.
^^My kids are usually at the library weekday nights (or so they say). We’ve found through the years that late afternoon Saturday (when they are getting ready to go out I’m sure) or Sunday (either late morning or after dinner) are generally good times to talk. That is a small thing to figure out…
Parents love their kids. We want to continue to be part of their lives.
My daughter is a competent young adult. That’s how she see herself and how the rest of the world views her. But there’s part of me that still sees her as that little blonde girl who loved tu-tu’s and didn’t like to talk. I’m sure the OP’s father has similar memories of the child that lives on in the heart of every parent who watches their child leave home for the first time.
But it’s so much easier to keep us sentimental, over-protective, loving parents “in the loop” than it used to be. I had to write LETTERS home every week when I went to college. As a parent I’m a huge fan of texting—when D is away from home I get pictures of her lunch, random observations, shared articles. I’ve been introduced to her friends and seen what the campus looks at its best (and its worst). I send her pictures of the guinea pigs frolicking and sleeping in their habitat.
It makes me feel a part of her life. It keeps her part of mine. It reassures me that she’s safe and happy. And, really, that’s all I want.
I’d ask him “what do you need from me to be ok with letting me go to Mississippi?”
I actually think the answer is less about you and more about him, but it might get him thinking about you more, which is a good thing.
My personal opinion as a freakishly overprotective parent is when I don’t have a good answer to this ^ question, it’s because it really’s about me and not about one of my kids, and I need to ease up.