<p>I have no idea how or where to begin. There seem to be a million attorneys here on Long Island. Ex and I are separated and remain civil. He himself is an attorney (though doesn’t do divorces himself) and said someday we will just go through mediation. However, I’m starting to realize that continuing on this way without any legal or financial planning advice on my part is foolish. My friends are all happily married, and I don’t know a single person who can recommend one via word of mouth. Looking on the internet is overwhelming. Any advice would be much appreciated!</p>
<p>I would suggest starting with the legal referral service of the Nassau County Bar Association. [Nassau</a> County Bar Association](<a href=“http://www.nassaubar.org/Lawyer%20Referral/Lawyer%20Referral%20page.aspx]Nassau”>http://www.nassaubar.org/Lawyer%20Referral/Lawyer%20Referral%20page.aspx)</p>
<p>For a $50 fee, you can consult with an attorney specializing in the area for half an hour. Go well prepared with your documents and questions. Ask how much additional time will be. </p>
<p>You may be able to get the service to give you the names of 2-3 attorneys. See a couple for the half hour if you can. It will give you some sense of their approach and style. Ask the same questions and see how similar their answers are. Which one do you feel most comfortable with? What are their fees? How will they be paid? </p>
<p>There is a similar service for Suffolk County. <a href=“http://www.scba.org/lris/lris.html[/url]”>http://www.scba.org/lris/lris.html</a> I do not know its fee, but you should be able to call and find out.</p>
<p>I’d recommend asking up front if the attorney is acquainted with your husband. You’ll be better off with someone who isn’t, IMO. Remember that you are under no obligation to retain the attorney you consult. It’s a good way to find out basic information about what you can expect.</p>
<p>Thank you, Jonri. Very helpful!</p>
<p>I may actually try the Suffolk link first, as Ex practices in Nassau–</p>
<p>Does your employer have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP)? They can provide references and sometimes have free legal services for quick consults.</p>
<p>It might also be worthwhile to meet with a divorce financial planner. “Helping clients understand the numbers and secure their future” is the slogan of an acquaintance whose website is [Get</a> a Financially Smart Divorce Settlement - Nashville TN - Divorce Financial Planning](<a href=“http://www.getasmartdivorce.com/]Get”>http://www.getasmartdivorce.com/). She is in Nashville, so that won’t be of any help to you – but she does have lists on her website that are helpful for anyone.</p>
<p>For example</p>
<p>10 Common Divorce Money Mistakes </p>
<p>Underestimating your expenses
Assuming your attorney / lawyer will handle everything
Not correctly utilizing experts
Not taking tax deductions
Failing to communicate directly with your spouse
Concealing important financial information / documents
Not properly insuring alimony and child support
Assuming the wife should get the house
Not considering mediation
Accepting an offer, just to get it over with</p>
<p>I don’t have any advice for the area you live in, but I just wanted to say I hope you have friends and family to support you. I have two friends who have recently gone through a divorce and it has been very difficult for both of them. I’d encourage you to reach out to your married friends and accept their support in whatever manner they might give it. </p>
<p>I also agree with your instinct to ‘lawyer up’ especially when your husband is a lawyer himself. In your social circle as a couple (since he is a lawyer, did you socialize with other lawyers?) are there any lawyers maybe not super-close to you as a couple but someone who wouldn’t mind suggesting a name or two? My experience is that people generally want to help, but don’t speak up unless asked due to the delicate nature of the situation.</p>
<p>Wishing you peace of mind and sending you hugs.</p>
<p>A friend went through mediation and, even part way through, it was clear she couldn’t line her ducks up- she didn’t know what those ducks were, what her positioning options really were. So, Mary’s suggestion of a divorce financial planner is good. I’d guess there are also books available that can cover a range of info. Some leverage may depend on state laws. </p>
<p>In her case, there were pre-college kids. I have to add that your own “good will” can sometimes do you in, in the longer run.</p>
<p>The only one I know is in central NJ, probably too far for you.</p>
<p>Thanks, all! I will read and re-read all the advice received here has I go through this process. </p>
<p>We’ve actually been separated for several years now - surprisingly amicably, considering the circumstances. I assumed we’d divorce fairly quickly, but he convinced me that it would be in neither of our interests to do so. Between the cost of attorney’s fees (which he said will break us both) and the desire to keep things civil, we’ve maintained our own agreement along the way which has benefitted both sides very well. However, as time goes on, finances change, the nest empties, and some other, serious questions have arisen, I realize its time to get some serious advice. I have no intention of starting a contentious divorce process, and certainly can’t afford one, but definitely DO need some real advice regarding the process and planning finances.</p>
<p>Having had a few friends go through divorce, you need to check your emotions regarding the financial side. I’ve seen both sides happen. One close friends, whose husband was a partner at a major consulting company went for blood and it was ugly, but she is financially very secure, as are the kids. Another, whose husband owned a private company, believed everything he said about finances and did nothing, although it was an ugly divorce due to an affair. Several years later, she is not asking him to court for fraudulently concealing income and the value of his firm. He has turned out to be a complete dirtbag regarding funding kids expenses.</p>
<p>I have no personal experience in this area, but from what I’ve heard here and through friends, it would make sense to me to consult with the financial planner first, then use that information to assess lawyers/mediators. Mediation seems like a god idea IF you are well-informed in advance. When both sides retain lawyers and duke it out, too often the major beneficiaries are the lawyers. Mediation doesn’t mean that you have to roll over and play dead.</p>
<p>Tell your husband you’re thinking about enrolling in law school while he waits to get around to doing something someday.</p>
<p>I respectfully disagree with part of Consolation’s advice. See an attorney FIRST. (Yes, I am an attorney–though I don’t do matrimonial work–so I am biased. I went through the world’s ugliest divorce personally.) Know what your rights are and what the range of probable outcomes in a contested divorce would be. This will be very helpful during mediation. Find out what sort of documentation you will need and start collecting it sooner rather than later. This will probably be especially important if the ex is in private practice and does not receive a salary per se. He’s had several years to structure his assets/income to make himself look as “poor” as possible when it comes time to divorce. I’m NOT saying he has done this–just that I wouldn’t bet my last dollar that he hasn’t. </p>
<p>Personally, if at all possible, I’d see more than one attorney in this early planning stage. You can consult them without retaining them for the divorce itself. A lot of this is finding someone who is on the same wave length and you feel comfortable with. But again, it is perfectly ethical to consult several different attorneys and not retain any of them for the actual divorce. </p>
<p>IMO, there is no need to see a financial planner until you have some idea of how the marital assets will be divided. I personally would NOT rely on a financial planner to tell me this information; you need to consult an attorney with experience in this field. </p>
<p>You may or may not want to have an attorney represent you in the mediation itself. At this point, it’s too soon to make the decision. (Frankly, I think it’s too early to make the decision that mediation is the best way to go. It may be; it may not.) I think it’s advisable in most cases in which one of the parties is an attorney and the other is not. Your ex is used to negotiating; you are not. Sometimes, the very fact that you have hired an attorney to negotiate for you can lead to better results in mediation.</p>
<p>A friend of a friend is going through the same thing - spouse is a lawyer who always ‘put off’ the divorce. My thought was that he was getting HIS ducks in order to look, as jonri sid, as poor as possible. It’s been going on for 8 years or so.</p>
<p>When I need a referral to a lawyer, I call the lawyer who wrote my Will & Trust. My accountant has led me to forensic lawyers. In my profession, I hear about many local divorce attorneys. Many years ago, I took a course in Mediation. One of the leaders of the group was a Mediator in private practice. She was so impressive, I added her to my list of referrals. Unfortunately, I would not refer to the other instructors. An internet search would reveal how many years a person practiced in this field. Spending a half hour with a few people should help narrow the field.</p>
<p>Yes, that’s going on here too. I think the desire to avert a fight, remain in the family home, keep things friendly for the kids’ sake, etc. scared me off from taking the necessary legal steps that I should have, when I should have. The last few years may have been more agreeable, but I’m starting to think I may have been a chump…</p>
<p>I don’t think we meant financial planner as in how to manage retirement. More that the person you lean on must be savvy to the range of assets you are entitled a stake in. Today and in the future. Mary noted a divorce financial planner. My friend did not get this from her mediator. He asked her what she wanted.</p>
<p>Of course that could be an attorney with the right (not too hot, not too cold) level of aggressiveness.</p>
<p>So, my friend put acceptable minimums on the table, let a “perfect world” philosophy guide her. </p>
<p>Without assuming you were a chump or that he pulled one on you, you have a right to protect your interests, now and ongoing.</p>
<p>After reading jonri’s post # 13, I think she’s correct. The whole thing about structuring things to look as poor as possible strikes a chord…I have a friend whose ex did that.</p>
<p>I was thinking that the planner who specializes in divorce could put you in the picture about things that often arise, but jonri’s argument convinced me that starting at the legal end makes more sense.</p>
<p>In reality, the more you know the better off you will be. Gathering the information doesn’t commit you to one course of action or the other, or to an individual practitioner.</p>
<p>I did speak with a friend’s relative who is a financial/estate planner, and he suggested I find a divorce attorney - though clearly I could use advice in both areas</p>
<p>I’m sorry you are going through this. The process is not easy on anyone involved. It does concern me that your husband has been waiting to actually get a divorce.
During this period you need to assess your own background, how much research you are willing to do on your own, and how much legal/financial support you need/expect to get, along with how much you can really afford to spend on attorneys. I have a strong business head, and am pretty determined, and I came out fine, relatively speaking, after divorce. I used one of the half hour session kind of hints when I started the process, and the guy actually talked to me for multiple hours. I wound up using someone a friend referred me to. I had very young children, so protecting them was my first concern. it will help you to know what is and is not negotiable in your state. For example, in my state, at least at the time I was divorced, college expenses were not something a judge would require to be paid, so I didn’t bother pressing much in that area (and my ex is paying zero for college). Child support was renegotiable until the kids were 18, even though i never did renegotiate it. Some states have limits on how long someone is required to pay alimony. There is lots of good information on-line now, if you are willing to dig for it. Sorry there are many random thoughts in this post… Hopefully something I said will be useful. Good luck.</p>