Now that the holidays are coming up, seriously how do we get off this gift giving. I keep telling everyone that I don’t need anything. Honestly at this point in my life if I want something, it’s very particular and I really don’t want, for instance any robe. I want a particular robe.
My entire family is very comfortable and all I want is everyone to get together.
My il’s are in their 80’s and they are at a point that they want to get rid of things not get more. They are doing well and can afford to buy what they want. My mom is less well off so I give her money then she can book a flight for Christmas.
My s just got married and apparently they bought all the stuff off their registry that they didn’t get and still wanted. I’m giving my d money also so she can fly here for Christmas.
How do I convince all these people not to give us presents and also for me not to shop for things for them? I’ve given my fil so many sweaters.
My bil and sil have decided to go on vacation for the holidays (we get to stay home and be with all the older generation, yea us). So mil gives them money to spend on an experience while they are on vacation. But my family is far and wide and we don’t all see each other that often so getting together for an “experience” would be hard. Besides really, we give them money and they give us money. What’s the point?
If folks still want to partake in the exchange of gifts, just give experiences - gift certificates to that hot new restaurant, theater or concert tickets, museum memberships and the like. I give a lot of that kind of stuff these days.
Years ago, my husband’s family all exchanged gifts. As the family grew, it was ridiculous. We tried the drawing a name thing and getting one gift…that was a bust. Then we went to only giving gifts to family members who hadn’t graduated from HS.
Then one year, DH and I just made a donation to a good charity in the family name.was. It was a large large donation. That annoyed some folks because we got a tax wrote off… it really, it was for an agency that bought winter coats for low income children. We still do that.
Eventually everyone got the drift that we were not sending gifts to the age family…and they stopped too.
We are stopping this year because my folks announced it was over. They just moved into an apartment from their large house and got rid of all kinds of stuff, much of which is now in my house.
H’s family loves, loves, loves giving gifts (not only at Christmas) , but years ago I simply announced that we were no longer buying for any adults (other than H’s parents) over age 21. We got some pushback, but they eventually accepted it.
It’s always a sticky situation. I have been exchanging gifts with a family in Japan for 30 years. I tutored their son while I was in high school and they were living in the states. I have only seen him again once a few years ago when he came for dinner, but his mother puts together an elaborate gift for me every year and I feel the need to reciprocate. I tried ending it once, and just felt bad when she sent another thoughtfully prepared gift. So this year I’ll go ahead and try to find something they can’t get in Japan…again.
For people who have everything I give consumables like wine, chocolate, and coffee. Also plants make nice gifts.
Suggest over Thanksgiving that you skip the Christmas gift exchange this year, and see how it goes. Maybe everyone else will be delighted. And if not, you’ve at least started the conversation.
We mostly give our (grown and launched) kids cash now, although I do stocking stuffers and sometimes DD has a few wish list items that we shop for. If we do that, I even it out by giving her less cash or DS more. DH and I usually buy what we want when we want it, so holiday and birthday gifts have mostly stopped. But if we buy something big we declare it to be a birthday or Christmas gift.
For my mom and my and DH’s siblings, we sometimes give to charity in their honor, but no stuff. Well, mostly. If we’re on vacation and we find a useful and unique item, we might buy one for each of my sisters, because they would do the same for us. And we give the gifts next time we see them, which may not correspond to a holiday. DH’s siblings don’t travel, so we don’t have that tradition with them.
For awhile my friends & I bought Christmas gifts for each others kids. One year, several of the families pleaded tight budgets when the economy was bad, so everyone stopped (plus it was getting increasingly difficult to buy for kids we only saw once a year or so). My sibblings and I used to trade Christmas gifts for all the kids for many years. A few years ago, several of my SisILs pleaded for us to stop, so we did, except I do buy for their young kids and my godchildren and my parents and my kids godparents and a few friends. Mostly, I try sticking to consumables for adults but young adults and younger I try to buy things that are more interesting – books or clothing I think is fun/attractive. I always try to get things that can be returned (e.g. from Costco).
We have stopped exchanging gifts with my H’s family years ago. We have very different interests and tastes and I think.we are all relieved. The kids are older and get gifts from parents at home Christmas morning. It has made the family dinner less stressful IMO.
My family has a big party the week before Christmas and we buy for kids (HS and younger) and have an inexpensive grab bag for adults. I’d be very happy to stop.giving gifts at this party as well. The only kid I am somewhat extravagant with is my young nephew as my brother was very generous with my kids.
Even with that I feel like I’m buying and wrapping too many things.
Stopped with extended family years ago. But it is so hard with immediate family— kids and h. Have no grandchildren. We all agree to stop and then don’t really want to. D1 just offered to paint a few areas we need painted when she and partner are here during Christmas. I love the idea. H doesn’t.
H is one of the most resistant. Of course he has never been the one to buy all the presents. And he is iinsistant that he and I exchange no matter how much I say I do not want to. Last year he gave me a gift and I gave nothing to him. Then I felt bad and so .yadayadayada.
I was just asked what I want as a gift. I know that no matter what I say she will get me something.
I told her a large chef’s apron.
For my 65th we had a get together and D told everyone I only wanted aprons. Some were
good and some were not.
A friend and her family exchange one book.
Using a theme can keep it fun and less expensive and easy.
The first step I think is for someone to step up and suggest an end to the madness! Seriously!
I think MOST people who have made the jump to no gift giving will agree that most of all it was a relief to stop. As you said, it started to seem really sort of pointless that us/sibs were giving each other $50 gift certificates to each other - just different restaurants! OR, I’d feel bad when we’d give one denomination of a GC, but get a higher one in return - the games we play gift giving!
I really think just be strong and bring it up. Better do it soon before people start shopping!
We just give money to our college aged kids. That’s what they really need. For us, we are fixing up the house. For all of the siblings/in-laws, we all agreed on a $35 limit.
My kids asked to simplify gift giving, since their money is tight. It was their idea to draw names, give something to that person only, something nice (and wanted) but stick to a tight budget. (It was a relief all around.) Plus stocking stuffers. The bigger deal had been the holiday meal, then we (the nuclear family and SO’s) started having Xmas eve dinner out somewhere special. And D1 likes to make brunch. That about does it, for us.
If I had my druthers, we’d volunteer somewhere during the holidays.
Honestly, you just need to SAY it. (Nicely.) Point out that everyone has enough “stuff,” that time together is the best gift of all. If you feel uncomfortable, offer some easy alternatives (a group gift to charity; a family trip, etc.) And you can still exchange small stocking-type gifts to keep things fun & festive.
For decades, our extended family has had the rule that gifts are given only within each family, i.e, DH and I give presents only to each other and our son. There was no other method that didn’t involve unnecessary shopping and spending that often resulted in perfunctory gift giving. Instead, those in proximity get together to enjoy some activity on Christmas eve or share Christmas dinner. We decided that being together when we can (and eating amazing food!) is all that matters to us.
I usually give DH a nice bottle of wine that will complement Christmas dinner, and he usually gives me a nice, but inexpensive piece of jewelry. Our son has only wanted some type of camera equipment or electronic device since he was about eight, so he was always easy. Now that DS is launched, we’ve talked about giving up gift-giving altogether as we’re all able to supply our own wants and needs. We love spending time in the kitchen together, though, so Christmas is usually a ballet of cooks, each taking charge of part of the Christmas menu–and tasting an impressive amount of wine and champagne along the way. All the years of holiday cooking memories are the gifts I cherish most.
When we stopped gift giving we did start a “secret santa” for the family members that are actually present during our holiday get together. Once you graduate from college you are part of Secret Santa - the theme is always something food related (because all of us enjoy this theme from cooking items to actual food) and the limit is $25. We have been doing this for about 10 years now and everyone looks forward to the exchange. It’s become quite the event! If you’re not at the get together you’re just off the hook. One gift, $25, done.
We used to exchange gifts with everyone-- H’s brother’s family and parents on both sides. Over the years, between the older generation dying, and family budgets getting tighter as kids grew and had more expensive needs/wants, we just stopped doing gift exchange except within our own little family-- the 3 of us.
But H and I finally stopped too-- we just get what we want for ourselves, not necessarily at the holidays. We truly prefer this! We kept giving birthday and Christmas gifts to our D for a few more years, but the past 2 years her birthday and Christmas gifts have been that we pay for her car insurance and phone. This is what she needs; after she graduates and gets a job, she can take on the expenses herself.
We still get each other little surprises sometimes, nothing expensive…just “I was thinking of you” gifts (often something tasty). But nothing major. I hated the holidays for years…so exhausting. Now I enjoy them.