In the case where too many young adults living in the same place, sometimes it’s easier if you just make it your own rule which has nothing to do with tradition. It’s not personal that way and no hard feelings. My friends do this and i think it makes perfect sense. Together my friends have 4 adult kids and 2 teenagers, 2 out of the 6 have a partner and they vacation together. they rented a 5 bedroom house. My friend said, boys sleep with boys, girls sleep with girls, and no funny business! Kids laugh and respect that, no one complained. But when an the adult kid comes home with their SO for a visit, they can have their own room.
I would do what works best for you, but you did ask for thoughts. In my view, the fact that this couple are working adults, beyond college, and ALREADY live together, would mean they would be able to share a bedroom as a guest in my home. I think insisting on separate bedrooms is like playing a game when they already live together, and is sorta like saying you don’t approve of that. I realize the rules of your house are yours to make. I think it would be more reasonable to ask them to use separate bedrooms if they were in high school, or simply dating in college, but not living together. You also have no young children in the home.
Sharing my experience (though realize we all differ in our views)…
When I was dating AND when I was engaged to my college BF (to become husband), my parents didn’t allow us to share a bedroom when he came to visit (we were already engaged in this instance). I think that was silly. Yes, we visited during the night. His parents gave us a bedroom to share when we visited them.
As a parent, I did not allow high school BFs to share a bedroom with my D, even if I knew they had been intimate. It didn’t come up during the college years at my home. After college, when my daughters were in ongoing relationships, living together or not, they were allowed to share a bedroom in my home with a SO. I thought it would be silly to do otherwise as they were in relationships and in some cases, already living together. So, even though my parents made me use separate bedrooms, I did not pass that onto my young adult daughters in a similar situation in their 20s.
It is all personal choice/comfort. H and I decided that as young adults living together we allowed D and her BF (now fiancee) to share a room in our home. When she came home with her serious BF as a college student the BF got the couch in the basement!
No right or wrong answer. But if you decide you want them in different rooms I’d let them know ahead of time.
I agree that unless there are minors involved, no right or wrong answers. It’s up to YOU what rules you want in your house
What would you think if, before you were married, you visited somewhere with your bf and the host said “Don’t be silly, of course you’ll share a room! My house, my rules!”
You wouldn’t like it and you’d be offended that your adult choice wasn’t respected.
You asked for opinions- I think you’re being old fashioned. I also think if you want your guest to feel uncomfortable insist on separating them. If I was the gf I would be very uncomfortable with that. They live together and by separating them you are passing judgement on their relationship. Your younger S is an adult and if he is uncomfortable it might stem more from the fact that he saw her as his friend first not that they are sleeping together. At what age are you comfortable with unmarried guests sharing a room? Would you put that rule out to a 50 yr old friend who came with a bf?
On the other hand I’m extremely liberal. I lived with my husband for 7 years before we married. My two married kids also lived with their SO before marriage. I had no problem with them in the same bedroom. I guess I’m always surprised that this still comes up in 2020, but like I said I’m liberal and most of my friends and relatives are open to non married couples living together.
I would throw the word/excuse “old fashioned” out of the equation. Honestly, that feels like a crutch to me when people use it. It makes people sound, well…old!
Interesting to read all of the comments. I lived with my DH before marriage and we never slept in the same room in either my parent’s or his parents homes before we were married. To me, it was a sign of respect for their values. I didn’t feel judged or put out by that or awkward. I think I would have been very uncomfortable doing anything besides sleeping in my parents very small house (even after we were married!). My brother-in-law and his then gf (now wife) stayed together at my in-laws even though they didn’t support it (and even if we were there and staying separately).
Today, it seems even more likely that couples live together before marriage so you may want to examine your own reasons for not wanting them to share a room. As someone else said, you may want to think about attitudes towards girls vs boys on this issue. If it is wrong for one gender, should be for the other as well.
However, if you feel strongly about this, I wouldn’t hesitate to have a talk with your son and say that you know it is old fashioned and you are fine with whatever they do at their home, but in yours you would prefer they slept in separate rooms. And then leave it up to them.
With my own kids, I wouldn’t care now that they are in their 20s and independent.
My inlaws never allowed H and I to share a room until we were married. We were engaged for 2 years, and bought and lived in our first house together well before the wedding. My parents let us share a room at their house, but the in-laws were a hard ‘no’. Made going to see them awkward and frankly, unenjoyable. Definitely felt like they were judging our decision to live together.
I would personally think about the unspoken message you are sending and what kind of relationship you want with your ADULT son and his chosen partner.
Neither of the ones with SOs is gay?
@conmama I think you are crystallizing it perfectly when you say “I just want to be asked.” It sounds like you want your feelings to at least be acknowledged and considered. Call your son and talk it over. Ask what he is planning to do. He will most likely say they were planning to stay in the same room. Now you can get to the heart of your feelings, which sounds like you feel that it is a little disrepectful for him NOT ask you and to just assume. It’s your chance to tell him your feelings/views on the subject, and his chance to tell you his. But the point remains that it is your house and as such, you would like some respect to be shown to your viewpoints and to your younger sons. Does this mean you will say no? No, but it lets him know how you feel and hopefully opens up a discussion that includes the need for respect of your feelings, which should never go away regardless of age or living situation or ‘old fashionned-ness.’
I’m strongly in the camp of embrace that GF and welcome her into your house. She and DS can choose where they want to sleep. Not your decision at all.
What do You need to make you as happy or comfortable as you can be during this upcoming vacation?
Think in those terms, what outcomes can I live with/not live with? If it really bothers you, will putting them together in one room cause you to be negative or stressed for the whole vacation?
Realize that your choice this time will set the tone/tradition for all future visits (unless they get married.) So choose carefully.
You want to make a decision that both you and your H can be comfortable with. You want vacations to be fun and stress free.
I’m of the “give separate rooms and let them wander at night” school, assuming you have enough space. However, never had to deal with this with cohabiting kids.
I’d want to be sure gf was comfortable with whatever the arrangements are. On a recent thread, I was truly shocked at the number of young adults absolutely horrified by the idea they might have sex under a parent’s roof.
I was raised by religious, conservative parents, and have found that I’ve evolved over time to being much more relaxed and non-judgmental in many aspects of my life. When my kids were very young, I had my sibling and his gf stay in separate rooms when they visited. Now that my own kids are in their 20s and two of them live with their SOs, I have no qualms about them staying in the same room together when they visit us.
You mention wishing you were being asked. The first time my son was coming to visit with his girlfriend, I stated to him that I was making up his room for them together, if that was ok with them. (It was, lol.) A brief exchange about the sleeping arrangements ahead of the visit put the issue to rest, and as it was my offer/decision, there was no brooding over being asked (or not asked) permission.
In general, I do think your position is old-fashioned by today’s standards, but I also can understand it.
I do about the same thing as Psychmomma. I was raised VERY conservatively. Over time I have adapted. My son and his gf share a room when she comes to visit. They didn’t ask but I knew enough to expect it. I had a separate room ready but when they came the first time he just hauled everything into his room. It made me a little uncomfortable the first time but then I came to grips with the fact that they are adults. They are respectful. We have no young children in the house. They sleep in separate rooms when they visit her home because there are a 5 yo and an 8 yo in the house. His sister is a couple of years older. I’m not always thrilled with the situation but I have learned to respect my son. I was happy they felt safe enough to come stay here for awhile during the shut down. It made me feel good to know they were here and safe.
I’m a long time lurker and I always like your posts @conmama . But I have seen a pattern in them, where you don’t always clearly communicate or express your wishes to your sons, then they don’t behave as you would like, then there is a general fall out of disappointment and resentment all round. This sounds like it is heading in the same way if you don’t clearly express what your preferences are and have a conversation about it. To me, this is bigger than who rooms with whom. Good luck!
It’s your place and your choice, of course, but you do risk pushing them away and having them stay elsewhere while visiting.
I started living with my now-husband when we were 20. His parents are very conservative Catholics who weren’t happy with our decision but never said much about it. We did sleep (JUST sleep) together while visiting them, just like we did at home. It would have been super bizarre to just pretend like we didn’t normally sleep in the same bed. And no, it wouldn’t have occurred to either of us to ask permission to sleep in the same room.
About a year after living together, we visited his aunt and uncle out of state. They made us sleep on different levels of the house. It was the last time we ever stayed with them. No hard feelings, but we’re just used to sleeping together and it felt weird. Plus, we were self-sufficient adults and it felt like we were being treated like children.
Yes, your view is “old fashioned” but it’s your view and that’s fine. I don’t come from a family that puts a high value on marriage so using that as a measuring stick of anything is weird. (I say this as my parents have been in an extremely happy marriage for 30 years… in related news, I just realized my parents’ 30th wedding anniversary is in a few weeks.) I truly do not understand the issue of sharing a bed because I can nearly guarantee they’re not going to do anything sexual while staying in a small place with parents. But, everyone is entitled to their own views and comfort levels.
And if the adults were married??? It is BIZARRE to me to tell an adult couple where to sleep based on whether they formalized their union.
But the only “my house, my rules” thing I have is about stuff. If you no longer live here your stuff can no longer stay either. Get it out or I remove it for you. But you can sleep with whoever you want when visiting.
@conmama your original post, if I read between the lines, almost sounds like you are afraid of breaking a “rule.” I don’t get the sense that you have a strong moral or religious reason why a couple should not share a room, only that you were taught that it is “wrong” or for many years “no one” did that.
I say this because I think I was like this a little. My mom was very rules-oriented and consequently I feel like I didn’t always learn to think critically, I fell back on rules to make some decisions for me.
There is nothing wrong with your stance that you don’t want them to share a room, if you have truly thought it through and have valid reasons you can articulate, IMHO.
I think it is a little much to hope that a young adult son would think ahead and ask. I know my son would forget to ask what time we;’d be there or if he should bring towels or anything other than “when is dinner?”
Anyway, just food for thought - I think if you explore what exactly is behind your desire to have them in separate rooms you’ll either decide it really isn’t as big an issue, or it will clarify why you want to ask them to stay separate.