We are all products of our upbringing to some degree. My family of origin was very authoritarian patriarchal. My Dad was foreign and his word was basically law. I loved my parents and family and had no intention of going against most of his wishes, as I wanted his approval and to be in good graces. Many of his morals became mine, including living together before marriage. That would have never even crossed my mind to do.
My son and his GF left to go work and live in Texas. Neither DH and I approved, but never let them know that in word or deed. DH did question him about his GF’s parents (particularly her Dad), felt about it. He did pointedly say to S how he would feel if he had a daughter. Son knows in his heart we don’t probably really like it, but he’s always been one to ask forgiveness than permission type (and he’ll leave out the forgiveness part). (Side note: we were joking with the boys this weekend how we aren’t stupid, we knew they were sneaking booze when they had friends at the lake. Son said they knew we knew…just waiting to see if we’d say anything. )
So, back to my dilemma. They will be visiting at the lake over the 4th. My 2 boys share a loft. Guests in the bedrooms. It’s a very small place. I know my son. Without asking, as is his nature, he’ll just put them both on one of the guest rooms. Even though they live together, having it in my house bothers me…especially without asking if it’s ok.
DH doesn’t like the thought of it either, but doesn’t want any weird vibes at the cottage…he wants it to be a happy place. I agree with that. But how do I reconcile my feelings, or try to change them, to accommodate everyone else’s?
Am I so out of touch and old fashioned? Is it better just to go along for the sake of Being comfortable for them? Should I discuss sleeping arrangements with him before they even come? DH would say no, I’m making an issue of it.
This wouldn’t even be an issue if they weren’t living together. Maybe they’ll surprise me and go in separate rooms. I don’t know, I don’t know!
How old are they? It sounds like they are independent adults.
Everybody handles things differently, so you should do what you feel comfortable with.
For me, if they were younger, say in college, and I had the room (both not the case here, I do realize), I would follow Miss Manners’ advice, which is to put them in separate rooms and ignore the corridor creeping in the middle of the night.
However, as they are adults, and living together, and you don’t have clear separate rooms, I personally would let them share a room. However, as I said a few sentences ago, there is no one right answer and you should do what makes you feel comfortable.
Thanks @cinnamon1212 , they are working adults now. 26 and 23. She’s a very nice young lady and I really try to watch myself in never acting disapproving as she may be my DIL one day. I guess I just want my feelings respected, too. Just doing what they want in my home, without asking, bugs me.
They never lived together in town, so it was never an issue that she had a guest room to herself.
It also will feel weird for younger son, I think. She was his friend before older son and she ever met. He didn’t like it at first, but is used to it now. But I know him, he won’t like the arrangement in the cottage, but will brush it off as guy’s typically do.
I guess I would just like to be asked. My answer would be it does bug me, but I won’t stop them.
I would never have stayed with my boyfriend in my parents house. I guess we didn’t live together but my parents knew we stayed at each other’s places when visiting, but I never considered it would be OK at their house. I remember it feeling weird after we got married since just a week before it wasn’t allowed.
I think if you have space for them to stay in separate rooms and that’s what you’d prefer, I’d tell them before they get there. You can say you know it’s old fashioned but you’d just feel more comfortable that way. Seriously, I think they can handle it for a short time. And yes, I’d probably ignore any sneaking around at night.
Do you think your son will be angry and argue about it? Or will he just roll his eyes and mumble but do as you ask? If he’d get angry, I guess then you have to decide how much the fight is worth it to you. You could also tell him you want to talk about it and see how he reacts. If he is seriously upset, I guess you would have to decide how hard you want to dig in your heels.
Do I think it’s a little old fashioned? Yep. But I also think you are allowed to have the rules you want in your home and your kids and their significant others should be able to respect them.
I think it can be just as awkward keeping them apart. It’s like a game that’s being played - “let’s pretend we don’t have a fully together life away from this vacation”.
Two things can happen in that room together. They can sleep. They can have sex. If the place is small they may not even want to do the latter.
It might be different if they just started dated or were a new couple. They come home and live together 300+ days a year. Not allowing them to be together is a stamp of non-approval on the relationship - and really accomplishes nothing IMO on the relationship you have with them.
They’d probably like their own queen beds for a couple nights, to be honest. Both have complained about theirs now that they live together (too small).
It sounds like the last sentence of your response is how this will play out and, really, you need to just do what’s right for your family.
Having said that, since you’ve asked for other’s opinions, my first question is how old your younger son is (maybe 23 bc the gf was his friend first?). Assuming he’s an adult, I’d suggest you think through why it bothers you so much that your son would share a room with his live-in girlfriend. I’m sure you don’t believe they’re not having sex…and, assuming your younger son is 23ish, it doesn’t sound like he could be influenced in some negative way.
It also sounds like you’re passively selecting a certain dynamic–not to confront the topic in advance and/or make your views known, even though they will be joining you at your lake house. Personally, my own style would be to handle this upfront. One message could be that, while you know they live together, you and dad are uncomfortable with them staying in the same room and ask if they would respect your preference that they stay in separate rooms. I say “ask” because it appears that you would just be displeased with them in the same room but would not want to make that a ‘rule’ which means they might not come if they didn’t want to comply.
I might also consider speaking with S2. You mention you believe he’ll feel uncomfortable but it’s possible he’d be surprised that his brother wouldn’t expect to stay with his live-in gf. If my other child would feel uncomfortable, that might be enough to make me speak with S1. So much depends on the family dynamics.
Finally, you asked “Am I so out of touch and old fashioned?” While, of course, you and your husband should do what’s most comfortable to you, especially when at your own house, I would say that it does appear you lean that way in this particular situation.
Looks like you don’t need advice, you just want to vent and I get it. I guess you just have to find a way to make it bug you a little less? Don’t let it consume your mind.
I find myself constantly adapting/changing my way of thinking due to my upbringing (which isn’t much anyway, I left home since i was 14). But some of the old ways (in my now view, they are mostly bad) still stay with me. And because they are mostly bad, I find it remarkably easy to get rid of the old tradition and embrace “the American way” and I find it so liberating. You can decide if not allowing your adult kid to stay in the same room with their partner is an out dated tradition or not - it may be easier to adjust your feelings (let it bother you a little less) if intellectually you think it’s outdated (or not).
Since you asked for thoughts, I think you need to sit down with yourself and examine your own thinking. Just because you were raised to think one way, doesn’t mean it is necessarily correct now. Many of us are constantly re-examining what we were taught as children and what we believe/how we live now.
In your initial post, there is language that focuses on females/daughters. Honestly, it comes across a little sexist and like a double standard.
Sleeping together is more than just sleeping or sex. There is a level of intimacy in sleeping with someone that is comforting, connecting which is important for many relationships. Plus, sex is just normal and healthy for couples at the age of your son and his girlfriend. After a certain period of togetherness, I’d frankly find not being intimate kind of strange.
For me, if my kids are in loving, respectful, committed relationships, my job as a parent is to make them feel comfortable in my home, to embrace their partnership, to welcome them into the family fold, not put up artificial barriers or pretend something isn’t going on when it is. My kids deserve my respect, love, openness, hospitality and I extend that to their significant others as well. I also always keep in the forefront that these people may become permanent family members. I want them to feel comfortable and valued in my home. I don’t view it as my place to tell them where and with whom they should be sleeping at night.
Think about what is really going on here and if it is truly something that is harmful or something you should be uncomfortable about. Is it more harmful to create an environment where they can’t be themselves as a couple and feel comfortable together in your home?
I would also recommend you make this decision soon, discuss it with your sons and H and put it away. Not worth worrying about for a month.
I’ll also say that if I’m the girlfriend I would feel really uncomfortable with being called out for living together - which is essentially what you’d be doing by creating separate sleeping places. And as your son I would feel SUPER weird being sent in a room to sleep with my brother and away from someone I love, care for and share my daily life with when I am an adult male in my life otherwise.
It feels like you are putting him back in the role of “kid” again.
We only confronted this situation when S1 and his gf spent the weekend at our house. They were barely 19yo sophs at the time and strenuously objected when we made them stay in separate rooms. We knew they were sexually active and didn’t really care about that, but S2 was only 15yo at the time and would’ve been directly across the hall from them. He was studying for finals, so we felt his comfort was more important than theirs. Her parents, OTOH, had no problem with them being in the same room.
The next time we had to deal with this, S1 was in grad school, S2 in college, so we had no objection to letting S1 and his gf stay in the same room.
I understand the moral dilemma that it presents to you but they are living together and are ADULTS (more than just your young children where you sit on them to protect them). They’ve already decided for themselves (as adults) so the decision isn’t really yours. One room.
I definitely grew up with decidedly NOT liberal thinking parents! But times change (and I’m personally glad).
It’s really up to you and your DH. It’s your house and up to you two as to what activities are ok there and what sleeping arrangements are. I have known parents who were fine with their kids sleeping with SOs in their house, some who just assigned separate rooms but put on blinders regarding visitation, some who made it clear that separate bedrooms were the rule in their homes.
We always kept Unmarried guests separate. We had too many kids, too many SOs, casual friends, etc and some of our kids, cousins are just not considerate in certain regards so we had to lay down the ground rules. One of our cousins who was lenient in this regard, found her tolerance stretched when her son and daughter started bringing home more parents than that cousin was comfortable hosting. It can go that way. Right now, a young cousin wants to come visit us with his GF. House rules here have dkwayd been separate rooms in such cases, so there is no question that the sleeping arrangements will be separate.
I think in many cases, once all of the family’s children are independent adults or at whatever point any given parent/homeowner wants to have, there might be loosening of some rules But a homeowner owes no one any rationale for the offered sleeping arrangements. If you want to be inconsistent, that’s up to you. The only time, it’s very important that separate quarters and rule strongly monitored is when there are minors involved, IMO, though I tend to go more with independent adults. But you decide what’s comfortable to you and your DH.
I had this very conversation with a friend recently. She is a devout Christian, so her beliefs come into this. She believes that her choices in her house should reflect her faith, so when her 25 year old son and his GF visit their vacation home, she puts them in separate rooms. Do they stay there? No, and it does bother my friend a lot, but she feels that she has done what she believes is right, and that she can’t do much else.
I would say if I had a minor in the house unless they are 8 years old, I would probably just have a conversation with them about what why “we” are ok with big brother and his girlfriend sharing a space. Give kids more credit for understanding relationship situations - whether they are 10 or 23.
Would you even care if they weren’t your kids? Would you tell other unmarried friends (but not related to you) that you won’t put them in the same room if they visited you?
Is it just a double standard?
Just wondering how far the judgement boundaries go.