<p>It’s a very real consideration. My boyfriend and I went to college across the street from one another. When he was busy, I partook in the full range of things that the school had to offer – hung out with friends, went to parties, etc. When he was not, we were always together. Although I love him and we are engaged to be married, I really think that the amount of time that we spent together was detrimental to my forming strong bonds with friends in college, and he also caused some unhappiness and regret about my study abroad (I LOVED it, and I wish I had spent a year away instead of a semester, but I didn’t partially because of him. He was opposed to me going at all).</p>
<p>I learned. A lot. When I was 20 I decided to study abroad even though he was opposed to it. I made my choice for graduate school based on my own needs, and not his. Even now, I’m in graduate school and he’s stationed at an Air Force base 80 miles away, and I have to balance my desire to see him <em>every</em> weekend with my need to socialize with my colleagues and peers, develop opportunities here, etc. I manage, but you know what? Learning to be firm with him when I need time to study or when I can’t do something gave me the skills to be firm with others on the same issues. You’d be surprised how much your daughter could learn from the relationship, even if it doesn’t last past Christmas.</p>
<p>But…and this is the hard part…you’re not really going to be able discourage frequent visits. This is something your daughter will have to learn on her own. My mother tried to tell me before I went to college that I shouldn’t go away with such a close, steady boyfriend because I was going to meet SO many people that I would like and that I wouldn’t get a chance to test the variety out there. That just made me MORE determined to see him as much as possible. The less you say, the better. Trust me, your daughter will make her own way, and she will realize that she is missing out. I say this as someone who is still with her high school sweetheart: Likely it won’t last and she’ll move on. And if it does, the two of them will figure out how to negotiate their time so they each feel satisfied and happy.</p>
<p>Expressing your concerns to your child is not meddling. If you have an uneasy feeling about this situation, why not talk to your daughter about it? Just because your daughter is going off to college, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t need your guidance any more.</p>
<p>I guess this all depends on what kind of relationship you have with your daughter. If you are lucky enough to have a child who talks to you about stuff, I think it is a good idea to have this conversation with her. This is not imposing your will.</p>
<p>On the other hand, going in single is no guarantee of anything either. I met my now-boyfriend at our college’s accepted students’ weekend, when we were both still high school seniors. We stayed in touch over the summer and have been together since the second day of freshman orientation (we’ll be juniors in the fall). There’s no question we missed out on the Essential Freshman Year Experience™ because of it, but we’ve since made an effort to branch out and now have mostly separate social circles. I’d be lying if I said I don’t sometimes feel wistful thinking about the missed opportunities, and all the people I could’ve met if I’d gone out all those Friday nights instead of staying in… but I’ve gained so much from this experience, too, so I can’t call it time wasted. And like I said, we’ve made up for it later, even if we did get a slow start.</p>
<p>He’s studying abroad this quarter, and I’m still at school; next spring, it’ll be the same thing in reverse. I’m working on a volunteer project and pledging a sorority, spending time with old friends and meeting some new ones… and yes, occasionally spending two hours at a time on Skype, but not usually more than once or twice a week. </p>
<p>That really had nothing to do with the original question. I suppose the point is that any relationship takes time and commitment away from other friendships and activities, whether it’s long-distance or not. Being single freshman fall is probably ideal, but I wasn’t, and it hasn’t ruined my college experience. It did make things more complicated for a while, but we recalibrated, as I suspect most couples do. In our case that meant making a point of developing independent social networks, realizing that we didn’t have to spend every moment together just because we were in love. In others, it might mean breaking up (happened to two friends of mine and their high school boyfriends, and they’re fine now, too). </p>
<p>In other words: It’ll work out somehow. Don’t worry. Let her make her own choices, and do try to keep the commentary to a minimum. :)</p>
<p>The concern you express over a relationship interfering with school and social aspects of college life, is the reason many students “hook up” and have “friends with benefits.” Would you rather your daughter have a real relationship, or “hook up” casually with someone they do not even talk to in the library the next day (this scenario is direct from a college newspaper).</p>
<p>I agree that letting things take their course, and either the relationship will sputter and die out in the first year (this happens a lot), or it will continue (which would mean there is something truly valuable about it).</p>
<p>Our son has had a relationship in college that has been very demanding, because his girlfriend has health problems. He is a very loyal person, and has stuck with it. I think that, along with his excellent education, work opportunities, extracurriculars, and many friends, he has also experienced a valuable education in relationships and values.</p>
<p>He has learned to say no, when his girlfriend has a need to talk and he has a big project due. He has learned to go for the job on the West Coast, even though she is still going to be on the East Coast for another year. He has learned to think about the future in a mature, long-term way that still includes his girlfriend, but also takes care of his own career and personal goals (and hers).</p>
<p>There is no way that we, as parents, know what is best for our kids in this kind of situation, and they are now capable of determining that themselves.</p>
<p>The only time I got involved was when I was asked for advice, which happened once. MY advice took the form of a question, not a statement- by now I know better!</p>
<p>I’m in the same boat with my son and his gf of two years–they will be going to school about an hour and a half apart, too. I will offer opinions, but not meddle too much. After all, they might end up getting married, and if you are an obstacle, that won’t be forgotten.</p>
<p>I agree with the posters here who’ve said that the situation will probably work itself out over time. Your daughter and her boyfriend selected each other from very limited populations compared to what they’ll find at their respective colleges. The imminent future is still a pretty big unknown to them, so they’re making their plans to carry a piece of comfort from the past they know and love. Once they get there, a whole bunch of interesting people and things will compete for their attention. How they’ll handle it and what will happen to the relationship depends on both of them, of course… but if they both made it into top-tier colleges while carrying on their relationship at home, they probably already have the “balance” factor figured out reasonably well. You can probably cross that worry off the list.</p>
<p>Somebody mentioned Facebook. It’s worth considering that your daughter and her boyfriend can spend all the obsessive time they want together online, texting, and talking on the phone – even texting or IMing in class (as one of my students often did). If they can look forward to having scheduled “irl” time together, they may spend less time connected electronically, which could be better for their on-campus attention spans and general time management.</p>
<p>I disagree with folks who’ve said to say nothing at all. The concern about funding her weekend jaunts to spend time with him is a legitimate one (she should earn those discretionary funds herself, in addition to the contribution she makes to her college COA). A little adult perspective about making sure she doesn’t close herself to the opportunities at her college is probably appropriate (not disapproval of the boyfriend, just something like, “Honey, don’t feel guilty about taking advantage of all the great things your college offers, including on the weekends”).</p>
<p>And, uncomfortable or not, the subject of contraception is appropriate and necessary. They are young adults, with the raging hormones still in effect, anticipating a degree of freedom and privacy they’ve never had before. An unplanned pregnancy in her college years could change her life. So could an STD. It can and does happen. If you haven’t had that talk yet, take a deep breath and do it… all prefaced with something to the effect of, “We want you to have the best, happiest life you can ever dream of. We want you to have all the freedom and all the opportunities life can offer. We recognize that you’re an adult, which puts some adult considerations in your court. Here are some things we hope you’ll keep in mind to preserve your freedom and happiness.”</p>
<p>IMHO if you broach the subject with the respect one would give to a young adult making her own decisions (which she is in many ways), your behavior won’t fit the Capulet/Montague fantasy that seems to resonate with so many teens. Which leaves her open to listen and consider her options instead of automatically playing the part of Juliet.</p>
<p>You can decide about not funding weekend visits. You can set limits about how much you will finance tuition or sign for loans if grades take a hit. You can voice your concerns about D missing out an certain aspects of the college experience. You can counsel about safe sex. Then you have to let things play out. </p>
<p>My D went away, about 6 hours away by car. BF stayed home at local state college. I thought by Thanksgiving or Christmas they might not be together. Not true. They saw each other once a month during football season and once ever 1-2 months during the spring. They talked on the phone nightly. Given he was not that close, she had time to join a sorority and become involved on campus. Grades were good. Time management was good. </p>
<p>She commented that she seemed to meet alot of jerks, guys hitting on her, guys not treating her girlfriends very well. Turns out she didn’t have the pressure to date, she went to socials at frats and her sorority without the hookup mentality. She found the grass to not be any greener…yet. Perhaps when she is dealing with more 21-22 year olds and not 18-19 year olds things will look different. For now, the relationship did not interfere, and in some ways she felt more free to develop relationships with just friends at school.</p>
<p>She is going to do what she is going to do in terms of keeping or dropping the BF.</p>
<p>If you can talk to her about it all with an attitude of sharing info so that she can make fully informed decisions she may listen to you. If you can encourage her to make sure she and her BF have plenty of time to be involved on their own campuses as well as in their own social groups that would be good. She may not act on it and may barely acknowledge it, but if you can keep it light and non-judgemental, remind her to be involved and be active on her campus and have a life other than just her BF and perhaps point out she will be a more interesting person to her BF and herself</p>
<p>I agree with the stated advice of letting nature take its course but I also think that you are more than allowed at the right moment to initiate a gentle discussion of your concerns. At that point I would leave it be.</p>
<p>The boyfriend/girlfriend stuff seems to only get more complicated as they get older. My daughter is soon to leave the UK after two years in a grad program at Oxford and will also be leaving a serious boyfriend. She begins med school in the US this August. He has an excellent job in the UK and in this economy would be nuts to leave it. They have decided to try and make it work long distance. The boyfriend does hope to come to the US in a year for graduate school but that is up in the air. I really like him and think that he and my D function as a couple extremely well but I don’t think there are even stats out there regarding transcontinental relationships and their success rate because the number of couples trying to do this are so few. </p>
<p>I have done a reasonably good job of keeping my mouth shut because this relationship will fizzle or not without my two cents. As she was waiting to hear from med schools I did offer up my thoughts as to the difference between compromise and sacrifice when in a relationship. I knew that part of her decision process (depending where/if she got in) would include where it would be easiest for the boyfriend to fly in on the occasions he made it to the US. </p>
<p>After watching a kid work toward something for so long it would have been worrying to see her choose a medical school because of the possibility of keeping a relationship alive. That being said, I would not have told her to behave any differently. I did encourage her to think about it. It turns out that she was accepted to a school she views as an excellent fit also located near a number of major airports so for now it is all good.</p>
<p>We all know how this will probably end up but I hope that they pull it off. It would be one for the books.</p>
<p>It is so hard to know what to say in regards to boyfriend/girlfrind visits. My D is a freshman in college and she is still dating her boyfriend of 18 months, since begining of senior year in high school. They are 3 hours away by bus. They visit each other once a month. One month he visits her, the other month she visits him. So they are together every 4 weeks. I never like when she goes visit him. My husband hates it! we don’t know why we feel this way. I agree that you should gently convey your thoughts to your son/daughter. We told her about getting involved in colege, making new friends and so forth. So far, so good. But I still sometimes, touch on the subject. We can’t control their hearts. But we can still guide our college kids, without being invasive.</p>
<p>Goodfit…this thread is almost two years old…hopefully the posters from two years ago have reconciled this issue. Maybe one of them will come back and discuss it.</p>
Here’s my old post. Update: they stayed together through freshman year and the following summer (during which they were also mostly apart), and broke up early in sophomore year. I think the hassle of travelling was part of it, and developing different friend groups.</p>
<p>My DD and her BF dated when she was a senior in HS as well as all 4 years of undergrad, all long distance. He graduated and got a real job and she was able to do the same thing, in the same town, a town that was new to them both, though they did have HS friends who lived there.</p>
<p>Within a few weeks of moving there, they broke up :eek: It took a couple of months to recover from that (in the middle of the med school application time) and eventually they were able to reconnect as genuine friends who continue to stay in touch and even socialise in groups. She did work in that town for the year she had planned and then moved on to med school.</p>
<p>Sometimes now she reflects on the fact that she did not take advantage of her undergrad time to date, but I must say, the stable supportive relationship seemed helpful in her getting lots done and staying focused & on track. She had many friends who were velcroed to their BFs.</p>
<p>@Hunt Thank you for the update. Did you keep your comments to a minimum about the relationship? Did he get involved in college life while dating? Is he happy? Thank you :)</p>
<p>That was my story from almost 2 years ago. Fast forward to today: D is still dating the same long-distance BF. She is a junior, he is a sophomore- still at different schools; they see each other about every three weeks. They are still going strong, and my daughter has started talking to me about “when we get married…”</p>
<p>I have to admit, that makes me worry a little, but they are both good kids, very level-headed, and very focused on their school work and future careers. (D has a near-perfect GPA and a great internship lined up for the summer.) I can’t see where the long-distance relationship thing has kept either one from being involved on-campus, as each has plenty of friends and on-campus activities. </p>
<p>When my D talks to me about her BF or her relationship issues, I try to be sympathetic and non-judgmental. It helps that we really do like the BF. If D’s grades were bad or if she were unhappy, it would be a different story, but how can I argue with the way things are now? </p>
<p>Part of me says “but aren’t there other guys you want to date?” D always says “Why would I give up a great thing for the possibility of a so-so thing?” As things stand, they seem good for each other and have made this relationship work.</p>
<p>@scout59 WOW, that is great. That is all good news. And I agree with you, if both are happy, engaged in their college lives, have other friends and getting good grades, we can’t say anything bad at all. Good luck to your D.</p>
<p>Update: D is now a second year medical student. She and the BF from the original post are still together and still long-distance…though now in different locations. BF left his job in the UK to begin medical school in the US and is now an M1 at a school across the country from D. The two of them have hammered out a system of trying to see each other every four weeks or so that, while not perfect, has gotten them through thus far. Skype is their friend. They plan on spending chunks of time together during the next year - BF will move to be with D for the summer and D will move to be with the BF as she studies for her Step 1 at the end of this year. Crazy, but heck, they are still together.</p>
<p>Even at this stage of the game I don’t think that it is meddling for a parent to express concern or to point out the obvious…very occasionally. Expect eye-rolling when you do. I try to stay away from relationship comments.</p>