<p>My senior daughter has been in a year long relationship with a young man who will be attending college about 1.5 hours from her college. They have had many discussions about frequent visits and have spent a lot of time figuring out how to make the trip, ie. bus, train, etc. </p>
<p>I am worried that neither will fully experience all that their top tier schools have to offer if they are constantly thinking about leaving campus on weekends to see eachother. </p>
<p>Does anyone have any advice regarding how to discourage frequent visits without seeming to be meddling?</p>
<p>My D and her boyfriend will be attending colleges less than a mile apart and even though I like her boyfriend a lot, I am concerned she will opt to miss out on social opportunities to spend time with him because he is so close. I wish I were in your shoes!</p>
<p>Yes. You, the parent, can’t discourage frequent visits without seeming to be meddling. Even if you think you are disguising your concerns completely, it is likely that your daughter will pick up on them and accuse you of meddling.</p>
<p>Let nature take its course. Most high school relationships do not survive past Christmas, if that long. If they are attending top tier schools, they are probably good students, engaged in their work, and there will be 3,000 interesting thing to do and people to meet at their respective colleges. If they are missing out on something, they will notice it, and take appropriate action. Give it a little time.</p>
<p>Or maybe having a love-interest elsewhere will help each of them concentrate and get more out of their time apart. It could work out for them, with no loss in the quality of their experience. This could be a lifelong match, worth far more than a Whatever Club meeting. It’s not very likely, but if you get caught on the wrong side of THAT bet you will be paying and paying and paying, for decades. Don’t risk it.</p>
<p>There is the now-famous Turkey Drop every November, freshman year.</p>
<p>TIA with JHS: it is unlikely this will last past Christmas. No point in giving it more importance by seeming to discourage the relationship. Bite your tongue, hard as it is to do.</p>
<p>I would be upfront about whether you would be funding her visits with her boyfriend, and also let her know what kinds of grades you expect her to maintain. </p>
<p>If she has a boyfriend on campus, she would miss out on a lot of bonding with her new friends too. She has to decided what’s more important to her. I think a lot of freshmen do want to participate in their new school’s activities - parties, clubs, sports… On top of that, she’ll soon be overwhelmed with work.</p>
<p>I would just be straight with her and tell her how you feel about it. This is not meddling, it is being a good parent, and you certainly have the responsibility to lay it all out there for your daughter in no uncertain terms. </p>
<p>Personally, I would not want my daughter to leaver her campus for weekends at a time to visit her best girlfriend, much less her boyfriend. Her job as a freshman is to study hard, and to make a life for herself at the college where you are sending her. That is why you are spending the big bucks to send her there, isn’t it? </p>
<p>I find that most kids will live up to your expectations if you make them clear, so don’t pussyfoot around. Good luck!!!</p>
<p>We are living this right now - D is finishing up freshman year with a long-distance boyfriend. No turkey drop here; both are just as committed to one another, if not more so. I have found that it is best to offer my opnion when asked, with humor and understanding (both H and I have mucho experience with the long-distance thing) and without ultimatum or pessimism. They will figure things out on their own or they will break up. Extra worry accomplishes nothing, and meddling is easily mis-interpreted (or over-interpreted.)</p>
<p>On the bright side - D is now a master of time-management and long-term planning. She also has a near-perfect GPA this year (better grades than in hs!) Don’t know if that’s a result if the forced separation, but I suspect that the separation plays a part.</p>
<p>Like some others here, I don’t think you should meddle. This is something they have to work out for themselves. They will anyway, whether you like it or not.</p>
<p>It would be very difficult for you to prevent your daughter from having guests or traveling away from her campus without resorting to a degree of surveillance that would compromise the goal of having her develop her independence as a young adult. So since you can’t stop it, you’re better off not trying. </p>
<p>It will be what it will be. </p>
<p>Lots of kids without preexisting boyfriends/girlfriends don’t experience all their top-tier colleges have to offer, either. Some of them make friends with a half dozen people during the first semester of freshman year and associate with those people almost exclusively for the remainder of their four years at college. Some do nothing outside of academics except for watching DVDs and playing video games in each other’s rooms. Some pair off with a new boyfriend or girlfriend during the first week and then cling to each other like Velcro from that point onward. Some sleep during the day, except for (sometimes) going to class, and play cards all night (my son lived in a dorm with a group of canasta fanatics who made an entire lifestyle out of this). And many of the students who do these things are perfectly content to live in these ways. You can’t prevent these styles of college life, either.</p>
<p>My S’ is a freshman now and his girlfriend of about a year will be starting college this fall and has decided to follow him to his school. Her mother is not happy about it. I am not either, but I know they spend so much time online chatting already. Time will tell…</p>
<p>Did I write this post,except it is my S who will be going and about 1/5 hrs away too. S’s gf is a junior in hs this year.</p>
<p><<My senior daughter has been in a year long relationship with a young man who will be attending college about 1.5 hours from her college. They have had many discussions about frequent visits and have spent a lot of time figuring out how to make the trip, ie. bus, train, etc. </p>
<p>I am worried that neither will fully experience all that their top tier schools have to offer if they are constantly thinking about leaving campus on weekends to see eachother. </p>
<p>Does anyone have any advice regarding how to discourage frequent visits without seeming to be meddling? >></p>
<p>There’s some sort of prayer that goes- “Lord, give me the strength …change…”- this is one of those things out of your control. You will have a huge collection of those as college years go by. Do better than I do and don’t worry about those things (I could hijack this thread with my own frustrations).</p>
<p>agree we need to let nature take its course…sometimes they do make these choices on their own</p>
<p>my just graduated senior, has been in a long distance relationship her whole senior year. Her bf wanted for the two of them to go to the same college. my d recognized that she needed to make her choice based on the best fit for her, and happily she did. She is now saying she doesn’t think she wants a long distance relationship as she starts college, as she sees she’d miss out on the connections she’d otherwise make. I was so impressed when she told me how she’s so glad they’ve had each other bc taught her about love, and how wonderful it is to be in love…but that she’d like to start college without a relationship</p>
<p>D1 and boyfriend of 18 months started college (3 hours apart) with a decision to take a break and immerse themselves in school. They saw each other on breaks that first year. Decided to become a couple again the next summer. Both were very involved on their respective campuses, studied abroad at different times, spent last summer in different cities and have now just graduated- D was summa cum laude and boyfriend Phi Beta Kappa. Both heading to grad programs again about 3 hours apart. D thinks it works because when they’re apart they each can totally focus on whatever they need to do without the demands of a significant other close by. If it’s meant to be, a couple will make it work. If not, it fizzles fast. It helps if both are goal oriented.</p>
<p>I agree with JHS that if the student is missing out she will notice. I started college 30 years ago having a nearby boyfriend, which took too much time away from campus. Told him over Christmas it was going to change and I would have less time for him. Got the ultimatum - spend more time with me or it’s over - so I said Ok, it’s over. It felt good to be free of him, but that was a decision I had to make by myself.</p>
<p>As a student, I agree that you should let this run its course. As others have said, most of the time the relationship will end naturally. </p>
<p>On the upside, I can also tell you it’s possible to have such a relationship and NOT miss out. I have on friend in a similar situation, whose relationship has made it this far (end of junior year), and he, at least isn’t missing out. About once a month or month and a half he’s gone for a day or two on the weekend; sometimes his girlfriend is here. But he’s still super-involved with academics and research and tutoring, and he has a strong social life. </p>
<p>Does he occasionally miss a fun night or a good play because he’s at her school? Sure. But no one can do everything at a college, anyway, and I’m sure there are things he gets to do at her campus that he wouldn’t at ours.</p>
<p>DD graduates this month, she is till dating the BF from her senior year of HS. They are trying to decide what next as he has a job in a far away place and she cannot work there and they love each other, but are getting tired of the long distance thing.</p>
<p>Their universities were a long journey apart, 20 hour drive or expensive flight or awkward flight plus driving. Not a lot of visiting happened. They generally managed to each visit the other once per term and on summers and holidays. In my opinion she passed up some internship opportunities to be able to summer nearby.</p>
<p>It was very interesting as many of her friends and roommates had campus boyfriends and barely spent any time in their apartment/room, but rather remained joined at the hip with the BF. DD had an almost every night phone call and a great support system in BF, yet still had the freedom to be involved on campus.</p>
<p>I think, in most cases, it is going to be some one, so does it really matter who? If she breaks up with him, she will likely find some one on campus.</p>
<p>I cannot speak to the nearby by campus & visits being an issue, but many of DDs GFs on campus were also not taking advantage of the opportunities to be involved, choosing the BF as their EC</p>