<p>My friend’s mother has just died of cancer. This girl is a rising junior in college, and has been through so much crap in the past year, related to both her mother’s illness and all sorts of other stuff. It is extremely sad. She is a good friend, and also my Little in our school’s co-ed service fraternity (meaning, I was chosen to serve as her mentor within the fraternity when she pledged). I am currently working a summer job a few thousand miles away from where she is, and will not see her in person for a few weeks. I would really like to be comforting for her, in some way beyond the generic “I’m so sorry for your loss” comment on her blog, but I feel constrained by being so far away. I have told her before that she is always welcome to talk to me online if she needs someone to talk to, but she hasn’t been online much lately and because of the time difference, our sleep schedules don’t always mesh well.</p>
<p>Any suggestions? Should I just continue to tell her that I’m there if she wants to talk, and maybe bring her something nice when I go back to campus? I don’t know what to say that doesn’t sound hollow…</p>
<p>Jessie: I am so sad for your friend. Is there a way for you to phone her, despite the time difference? It really feels different reading an entry on a blog and hearing a friend’s voice and being able to talk to that friend in person even from a distance.</p>
<p>J, my recommendation would be to just continue to reach out, and, act, don’t ask.</p>
<p>For example, instead of saying or writing “I’m here if you want to talk”, simply assume dialog and begin talking. That way the pressure isn’t on her to admit “yes, I’d like to talk”, or to otherwise work to get to interaction. </p>
<p>If online is the only access you have to her right now, perhaps reach out to her on subject matter outside of her mother’s loss and other problems - send her something interesting, more cheerful, or perhaps some item of interest on current events that you both share. Or ask her about her upcoming classes, etc., any topic that steers her onto productive, positive, forward-looking activities and events. </p>
<p>She’s going to be grieving for a while; you’re a good friend to be concerned and looking out for her.</p>
<p>Jessie,
There’s really not much more you can do besides make it clear that you are there if she needs to talk and that you care about her. Sending a heartfelt note would probably be comforting. Although I am much more comfortable typing and e-mailing now, I still send cards to friends for birthdays and when they’ve been sick. I think that snail mail means that someone went the extra mile. As soon as you get on campus, try to make a date to get together and give her a hug. Sounds like you are a good friend.</p>
<p>When my mother passed away 3 years ago, a co-worker (that I was not especially close to) asked me everyday for like a month…“how are you doing?”
The answer was terrible, shocked, numb, sad but I know she didn’t really want to know all that. She was trying to show concern but asking the same thing over and over didn’t help. </p>
<p>Your friend may or may not want to talk about her feelings right away. The feelings may be too raw to bring out in the open just yet. The best thing you can do is just keep being her friend like always. Be empathetic but don’t treat her differently because of her loss. She will really be wanting to just feel normal again so just help her to be herself by doing all the things you normally do together. My best friend and I go shopping together a lot. After I came back from my Mother’s funeral, my friend took me out to lunch and shopping. It felt really good to get out of grief mode for awhile.</p>
<p>A dear friend died in a car accident 18 months ago, leaving a wife and then 14-year-old daughter.</p>
<p>Without question, the first 12 months were worse than the past six – anticipating, then experiencing Father’s Day, his birthday, their birthdays, holidays without him. And then the absolute worse – when something reminded them of him when they weren’t expecting it.</p>
<p>As a friend, I’d be mindful of the occasions once you get back to school that might be particularly difficult (obviously Parents Weekend), and just touch base. As time wears on, don’t be afraid to bring up her mom if you knew her at all. (Remember when she sent…, when we did…, or how she always…)</p>
<p>Don’t twist yourself in knots looking for the “perfect words.” My friend said an awkward, but sincere expression meant the world to her – it showed the person cared and was trying to help. I felt the same when my dad died.</p>
<p>Inappropriate humor ahead: I would shy away from another friend’s husband’s “consolence” when he found her crying over her great-aunt’s death. “At least you didn’t really like her very much.” And he’s usually such a sensitive guy.</p>
<p>If you knew her mother, it is wonderful to share a note with a happy/funny/poignant memory of her.</p>
<p>Being there for her to talk, when she wants, is good. But, instead of waiting for her to contact you, I’d contact her a little more often than usual. It can be by phone or online. It doesn’t have to be focused on “how are you doing” or her mother’s death, just being in touch and letting her talk about whatever she wants. Often, people fairly quickly move out of touch with a grieving person because of the awkwardness of not knowing what to say. Keeping in touch can be a blessing.</p>
<p>I was exactly the age of your friend when my mother died. I returned to my junior year of college after she died in the summer after sophomore year (having been sick for over a year). More than anything, I wanted to be “normal” – no excessive attention or sympathy – so I probably brushed off people who tried to talk about my mom. I did, however, feel lonely and sad some of the time, and very much wanted people around me who cared, and who accepted that there were days I would feel totally fine and want to have fun, and days I would be down. It was a hard time, especially because it seemed like everyone who had been single got into a relationship that first semester (except me) and it made me feel even more alone. So I guess my advice is: be natural, reach out, include her in things, be caring and available if she does want to talk, but don’t make “talking about her mother” the central theme of your interactions or it may make her uncomfortable. </p>
<p>You sound like a very dear and caring person. She is fortunate to have you as her mentor.</p>
This girl is a rising junior in college, and has been through so much crap in the past year, related to both her mother’s illness and all sorts of other stuff. It is extremely sad. She is a good friend, and also my Little in our school’s co-ed service fraternity (meaning, I was chosen to serve as her mentor within the fraternity when she pledged). I am currently working a summer job a few thousand miles away from where she is, and will not see her in person for a few weeks. I would really like to be comforting for her, in some way beyond the generic “I’m so sorry for your loss” comment on her blog, but I feel constrained by being so far away. I have told her before that she is always welcome to talk to me online if she needs someone to talk to, but she hasn’t been online much lately and because of the time difference, our sleep schedules don’t always mesh well.</p>