How to help a hoarder?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Sparklyunicorn, Please consider going to a support group. Do research on what you can do to help yourself. Read about co-dependency, appropriate boundaries and the like.</p>

<p>You have no control here. Your parents have a 20+ year relationship that has nothing to do with you, that has it’s own dynamics. </p>

<p>Your father also can only change himself. He has no more control over your mother than you do. </p>

<p>Using your time to research this on your father’s behalf during college is not a good use of your time. It’s completely normal to want to feel that you are doing something to move your mother closer to treatment but, again, that’s her decision and not under your control.</p>

<p>Pass the name and number of the specialist onto your father, tell him how you feel and then be done with it. That will be very difficult so start working on yourself and getting the support you need. </p>

<p>Please, look into support for yourself, you don’t have go through this process alone and coming to terms with the fact that the only person we can change is ourselves is a difficult process.</p>

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<p>I spent a week last year trying to help my in-laws with their hoarding problem.</p>

<p>At the time, I had heard about the show on tv, but hadn’t seen it. I didn’t know it was a mental illness. </p>

<p>My MIL is suffering from dementia, so it was extremely stressful for me to be there, doing what I was doing. I tried to be patient and ask her if I could “recycle” the hundreds of yogurt and sour cream containers and hundreds of glass bottles. Most of my work got done when she took naps.</p>

<p>My FIL is no better. Probably worse. We had an argument of legendary proportions after he started digging through the trash looking for his favorite “soap”. </p>

<p>It was travel soap that was in the pantry when I first married their son and stayed with them for a few days while looking for an apartment. My oldest will be 21 this year, so you get my drift.</p>

<p>Stuff comes in the house…but never leaves. Ever. </p>

<p>I got rid of 50 industrial hefty sized bags which just about covered one room - their main living area. Their neighbors burned to death in their own home several years ago - also the “frugal” depression era seniors - that seems to often be the “excuse” for this behavior. </p>

<p>My H went back for another week to help later in the summer and found a stash of 20 empty coffee grounds with weird dried grounds in them. He asked his mom what they were. She said she didn’t know. Then he watched her make tea, cut the teabags open and put the grounds in a coffee can. She is saving dried tea grounds. For what purpose, I haven’t the foggiest notion.</p>

<p>Sadly, I think the only solution is to firebomb the building when they pass away. Either that, or move back there for several months to fill dumpster after dumpster with crap.</p>

<p>There may be valuables hiding in the crap, but at this point, I simply don’t care. I think the only thing I would care about is family mementos of my H and his sister. Pretty much all of the rest is junk. </p>

<p>Recently, my FIL hosted an estate sale for one of his other houses, because he had an offer to buy it. After expenses from the dealer, the advertising costs and so forth, they netted just about $1000. Hardly worth the time or trouble. He was so disappointed. I think he thought his stuff was worth so much more. It’s often not, because it hasn’t been stored correctly and their is mold or mildew or bugs. Old books and things are worthless if they get damp.</p>

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<p>I’ve watched a fair number of the episodes of the “Hoarders” tv show, and a couple things stand out.</p>

<p>They <em>never</em> try to clean anything up without the presence of a mental health professional who specializes in this area. The modus operandi seems to be for the pro to talk the person into getting rid of some stuff, then getting permission from the hoarder for each little thing that is disposed of. It takes forever.</p>

<p>And the rate of recidivism is very high. </p>

<p>It can be a big health risk, and not just from fire. Many of the hoarders on the show also hoard animals, and there’s no way the person can take care of them and clean up after them. On one show they were finding mummified cats - they got trapped in the stuff and couldn’t escape, and the person never found them.</p>

<p>It’s a pretty sad show, but eye-opening. They do a good job in my opinion of teaching you that this is a mental illness and aren’t judgmental.</p>

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<p>Samurai,</p>

<p>Your post perfectly describes my own in-laws. I’m with you. Fire bomb the house!</p>

<p>More examples of the lunacy? How about thousands of copies of Newsweek? I mean thousands stacked practically to the ceiling. Cases and cases and cases of Carnation Instant Breakfast with expiration dates in the 70s. In one closet we fund 17 heating pads, some so old the cords were brittle and cracked. Have stopped trying to count the TVs. You open a closet and a TV falls on your head. I felt like I was in a house of horror. Seriously.</p>

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<p>I have seen several shows on hoarding in the past several years. It seems that often the hoarding begins after the hoarder has suffered a profound loss-parent, child, spouse, divorce, loss of job or home, etc. They react by trying to hold onto “things” that remind them of the loved one, and over time this transfers to holding onto just about everything.</p>

<p>It’s a sad, tough problem.</p>

<p>Another problem associated with hoarding which carries severe risks to health is mold. Many hoarders who don’t clean up food can end up with serious mold problems. Sometimes the “junk” makes it impossible to be aware that there is a water leak problem somewhere in the house which can cause mold. In one family, once the house was cleaned out and the mold problem addressed, a multitude of health issues “spontaneously resolved.”</p>

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<p>Sewhappy,</p>

<p>My in-laws have home canned fruit and veggies from the early 70’s. God forbid I throw them out. They are still “good”.</p>

<p>No, they aren’t. They are probably deadly.</p>

<p>In fact, I think they are biological weapons of mass destruction. They have THAT many. It could probably kill a small town or invading army. </p>

<p>Carnation Instant Breakfasts…ha ha. I wish I could one up you, but the Slim Fast powder I found was from the 80’s. </p>

<p>I often wonder how my H came out relatively unscathed. He really doesn’t like mess, though. (I wonder why?) ;)</p>

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<p>Once a hoarder, always a hoarder. You can try to hire proffessional, but it depends if you believe in high probability of changing your mom’s personality. I do not believe that person can change much after certain age. Get independent, buy your own house and leave your mom at peace with herself. This is my advice, you might see other options.</p>

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<p>[Specialty</a> Programs](<a href=“http://psychiatry.ucsd.edu/OCD_hoarding.html]Specialty”>http://psychiatry.ucsd.edu/OCD_hoarding.html)</p>

<p>I have watched some of the hoarders shows on TV. I’ve known at least 2 people personally who have had this disorder–it’s a toughie. One person is getting treatment at UCSD, so I thought I’d reference the website here.</p>

<p>One thing the article mentioned–hoarding may have a genetic component!</p>

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<p>ellemenope, Yes, it does seem to run in families sometimes. That is one of many reasons I hope the OP is able to work on letting go of trying to cure his mother and work on their own issues.</p>

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<p>If I grew up the child of a hoarder, I don’t think I would want to re-create that behavior in my own home.</p>

<p>It seems to happen, though.</p>

<p>With regards to the comment by MiamiDAP to let mom be, I disagree. There are health issues and safety issues that need to be addressed. Believe me, if it doesn’t happen right now, it will years from now. You will be dealing with it as the child of a hoarder (or child in law). It will only be harder and a bigger deal. The hoarding will continue and then you will be dealing with elderly parents who don’t want you messing with their stuff. Eventually, someone falls and breaks a hip or the EMTs can’t get into the house to help your aged parents. It’s just…so inevitable. </p>

<p>They should both get help. The sooner the better.</p>

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<p>SL, If the OP was in a position to truly do something, that would be one thing. But he is not. Like any adult child with a parent who has an untreated mental illness, it’s something he can always hope will change but he also needs to learn how to live his own life and how to maintain healthy boundaries.</p>

<p>Yes, the mother and father should get help. They’ve had 20+ plus years to get help and have declined to do so. It’s not in their child’s power to change them or even to force them to get help. All of us who deal with family members whose mental illness can be harmful to their health have to come to terms with that fact. Only in the most extreme cases can anything be done and even then only for a short amount of time. Hoarders who have their house cleaned out fill it back up. Those who are forced to move fill up the new place.</p>

<p>It’s an illness. The OP can no more force his mother and father to get help than someone whose parent is addict can force them to get help.</p>

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<p>Sparkleyunicorn,</p>

<p>Randy Frost, a Smith College professor, is a nationally recognized expert on hoarding and has written several books on the subject. [Smith</a> College: Psychology](<a href=“http://www.science.smith.edu/departments/PSYCH/rfrost/]Smith”>http://www.science.smith.edu/departments/PSYCH/rfrost/)
It couldn’t hurt to email Prof Frost and ask for advice/suggestions.</p>

<p>Reading his books also would be beneficial. </p>

<p>NPR interview and excerpt from Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things.
[Fresh</a> Air Interviews: Randy Frost and Gail Steketee On Hoarders and Hoarding : NPR](<a href=“http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=126386317]Fresh”>Fresh Air Interviews: Randy Frost and Gail Steketee On Hoarders and Hoarding : NPR)</p>