<p>My mom has been hoarding for the past 20 years. I’m headed off to college in less than a month. Other than calling an intervention or a TV show, how can I help her? </p>
<p>My dad and all of her relatives have tried to help her many times. We’ve threatened to bring a pick up truck and drive everything to a dumpster. I’ve been sneaky a few times and removed some of her junk by taking it to school to throw away. If I need to throw things away without her picking through garbage, I have to give it to my dad and he takes it to work to throw away. </p>
<p>She collects newspapers, fabric, toys and books for toddlers, baby clothes, Asian artwork, and refuses to throw most of these things away. She has “worked on” the newspapers for years, but basically shuffles them from room to room eventually recycling one or two grocery bags a week while adding to the collection daily. The newspaper collection already fills one room, and our family room is being threatened by the newspapers and toys. She even uses other family members’ space (my brothers’ rooms, closets, etc.) to hold onto her stuff. Eg: my walk in closet. less than half is my clothes, half is outgrown childrens’ clothes and fabric she has yet to donate or throw away. </p>
<p>Although our house is still (barely) livable, I’d like to eventually be able to have friends come over without being mortified at the amount of absolute junk scattered throughout my house. I’ve never been able to have friends come over, and this last month before college is my last chance to help her get over this mental illness. Please help!!!</p>
<p>What you are describing is OCD, (obsessive compulsive disorder) and there are a lot of medications that can help. Your dad needs to insist that your mother get professional help, this shouldn’t fall onto you, you’re a kid. I she doesn’t get professional help then nothing will ever change.</p>
<p>Sparklyunicorn, You sound wonderful and caring but it is time to take care of yourself and look forward to college. I am so sorry you don’t feel you can have friends over. I know you must be anxious about your brother who needs to still deal with this . I don’t have answers but hope you can concentrate on getting ready for college and that someone with experience with this can offer some guidance/support to you. Pea is right, this should not be left for you to deal with. All the best.</p>
<p>Well, I am no expert here, but from what little I know, this will require counseling and/or medical intervention. And more importantly, your mom will need to acknowledge there is a problem and be a somewhat willing participant in her therapy and/or medication regime. Depending on how severe her case is, combined with her interest in recovery, this may or may not ever be successful.</p>
<p>Perhaps work with your father to do an intervention to get the ball rolling, but beyond this, you may need your own personal counseling to help deal with the impact of having a mentally ill parent. In the process of your own therapy you may find coping techniques and also be able to build realistic and workable pictures for your future. It may be that most/all your friends do not socialize ever at your mom’s house. Instead, you may decide to have long family weekends at a nice hotel, eat out at restaurants, spend days at the park, have outtings to the zoo or the movies and generally socialize with your parents OUT of the house. </p>
<p>While you are likely still disappointed (sad, angry frustrated, depressed or otherwise) about aspects of a lost childhood due to your mom’s illness, you will need to mourn that ideal picture and then move on to create your own adult life. For many people, at some point grown children no longer “bring their friends home” to hang out with the parents. This still may hold some cachet for you, but the sooner you realize it is unlikely to be feasible the sooner you can make new future plans that are fulfilling to you.</p>
<p>I recommend the counseling for <em>you</em> because in the end the only person you can change is yourself. And while I am not saying you need to change per se, I am sensing that you feel powerless in this situation and feel over-responsible for your parent. These feelings can get in the way of your success in college. Especially if you find that you are feeling overwhelmed by what is going on at home while you are away at college, or just feeling less-than-okay about anything going on with you, counseling is a way to have some real support that is all about <em>you</em>. </p>
<p>Ironically, you being strong and not pulled into the drama around your mom’s disorder is probably the best thing you can do for her.</p>
<p>I could not say it any better than annikasorrensen. This is the time in your life to focus on yourself; it’s not selfish, it’s a nessicary part of becoming a healthy adult. </p>
<p>Your mother has a mental illness. Hopefully someday, sooner rather than letter, she will decide to reach out for help. Until then, love her but don’t try to fix her.</p>
<p>As I understand hoarding, the person affected feels he/she is betraying a memory or a hope when they discard an item. If you see it in that light, you may be able to be a bit more kind and compassionate with her. </p>
<p>I think you need some special help for you. You might see if there is an online support forum for family members of hoarders (sort of an AlAnon or Alteen group). They may have some very specific advice on actions and mindsets that you can have successfully – or war stories of typical steps that can backfire.</p>
<p>Please know that it is part of your age make up to care tremendously. Young people are always the salvation of the world. Your ideas and energies DO make a difference. However, that said, you may not be able to cure your parent – and you have to deal with the grief and confusion that comes with that.</p>
<p>Please also know that you are not the only teen arriving at college with baggage. Other kids will be staggering in with newly divorced parents, or parents who are unemployed or parents who are dying. Don’t feel you are the only one arriving under less than ideal circumstances. </p>
<p>One of the best things you can do for your brothers is to go make a happy success of the first semester at college. Embrace college life. Drink lots of coffee or cocoa and have interesting conversations. Go to some sporting events. Flirt a little. Make all your classes. You living a happy college life will be a beacon to them as they move through the next few years. </p>
<p>You might also ask your dad what he thinks about calling the fire marshall. If the fire marshall says that the newspaper is a fire hazard, maybe family safety can trump at least this one collection (and the fire marshall is the “bad” guy - -not you). Please don’t just call the fire department. Talk it over with your dad and do some in depth research on hoarding so you know how your mother is likely to react. She may need some weeks of counseling before dealing with the fire marshal. </p>
<p>Your mom definitely has a mental illness. I can assure you that your occasional efforts to sneak stuff out of the house is like putting a bandaid on an arterial bleed. Forcing a hoarder to get rid of stuff only increases their anxiety and doesn’t get to the root of the problem.</p>
<p>I think you are very loving to want to help your mom. While you can’t and shouldn’t expect to shoulder this burden, I do think perhaps your Dad could use some help. He needs a referral to a professional who specializes in OCD and hoarding in particular. Your Mom would also need to be on board with getting treatment.</p>
<p>Perhaps the links below may offer you some assistance:</p>
<p>Everyone gave you good advice. I really wish I could give you some words of wisdom that would help. I’m sorry to say my mom is also a longtime hoarder and I am now in my 40s with children your age. We have never been able to visit my parents’ home without staying in a hotel. Unfortunately most true hoarders are extremely resistant to getting help and if the hoarder is otherwise able to care for themselves, you really can’t force them to change. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Through the years my sibs and I have tried every approach imaginable, but none has worked. Ironically, the things that could help - medications and therapy - are things many hoarders would never dream of procuring - because they cost too much money!! (my mom also doesn’t think she has a serious problem - she thinks she just has things a little “messy”. Piles of junk shoulder level high with 6 inch wide paths on the floor is NOT a little messy.) So please, focus on yourself, and you also may find that there are other kids out there with your situation. I’m actually shocked at how many people have shared similar stories about their parent when I opened up about mine.</p>
<p>One last thing - the condition of your mom’s house is not a reflection on you, even though you may feel embarrassed that you can’t have friends over. The situation at your parents house is out of your control. Try not to let yourself feel bad about the fact that you can’t change it.</p>
<p>I am so sorry your family has to deal with this. Your mom is ill and there is nothing you can do about it, it’s not your fault. You have been given some great advice. I can only add that the only thing for you to do is educate yourself and in the end accept it. My husband has health issues, I would love to talk a nice evening walk with him…not gonna happen, but, as they say, that’s life.</p>
<p>I think it’s very common in Asian families. A lot of Asians grew up with next to nothing and they’re taught to never throw anything away. They have this whole frugal mindset and they’d fight over a dollar in public (yes, it can get very embarassing). </p>
<p>I agree with psychmomma in that it is very hard to change them because their mindset is so ingrained in them and they don’t see anything wrong with it. The last thing they’d want is to spend unnecessary money on therapy. </p>
<p>The only suggestion I can make is to maybe let your mom know that she’s being inconsiderate and the house should be shared amongst the family? But then, again, it might be a longshot because Asian mothers have this mindset that kids need to respect their parents and parents basically should get to do whatever they want and the kids need to listen. </p>
<p>Maybe ask your dad to tell your mom that the rest of the familiy needs space too. We’d all love to have all the room we want to put our things, but that’s just impractical and inconsiderate. </p>
<p>Another thing to try is to remind her that there are needy people who will benefit from the stuff. She’ll probably be able to identify better with this if she grew up in a similar environment. Let her know that she could be helping a lot of people out by donating some of this stuff. And is there a public place that might be interested in having such a newspaper collection? Donating it to the library could benefit a lot of people.</p>
<p>Sparklyunicorn - sometimes you can’t help others, but you CAN help yourself. Most schools have mental health counselors, and services are included in your campus health care coverage. Once you are there, go to them for help in coping with the situation. Since there is some thought that hoarding can be genetic, it’s important to recognize any tendency that may be creeping in to your own behaviors and put a stop to it. </p>
<p>As for your mother, if she absolutely will not get professional counseling, you can try to get her to identify why she has to keep certain things - focusing on one thing at a time. Example, the newspapers. What is about them? How would she feel if you rented a U-Haul truck and loaded them off to the recycling? From your description, she is definitely not beyond your help. You just need to find the entrance to the problem under the clutter, so to speak.</p>
<p>I am the son of a hoarder as well. It took me most of my life to learn that this was actually a disease/disorder. You always want to fix your Mom, but eventually you realize this is an impossible task. My Dad has tried to do things like your Dad has attempted as well… things like getting a space at a rental facility or having specific rooms designated as clean rooms. </p>
<p>Nothing ever worked. </p>
<p>As a rising junior in college, I look at the situation now realizing that nothing will EVER be done about the ‘elephant in the room.’ If your Mom is anything like my Mom, (And there are some eerie resemblances), love her and do your best to forget that something very very wrong is very very unnoticeable to the perpetrator.</p>
<p>Strategies like that don’t work because they are like trying to solve an overflowing toilet by mopping up the floor - they don’t get to the heart of the problem. The person with the problem knows this is not normal, but they have to get to the core of the reasons why, the underlying factors, and to realize that letting go of “stuff” is not as bad as they think it will be.</p>
<p>What would you suggest? My Mom’s ‘problem’ has had significant and sometimes life-threatening effects on my family… too personal to discuss here. She has seen what her ‘way of life’ has done to not only her well-being, but the social health of her closest family members. I do believe that she thinks her lifestyle is not healthy nor ideal, but there is no effort to fix the situation. I agree that my mother needs to see the light and realize that she won’t miss much by letting go of her stuff, but how can this happen if she won’t let anything go in the first place?</p>
<p>Cali - is there anyone she confides in? Does she talk about her past, her feelings, etc. with YOU? She may see you as too close to her to bring these things out in the open with you. One of the reasons people get counseling for things is because they can talk openly with a counselor and not be judged or have it thrown back at them later as ammunition. Professional help is obviously the BEST option. </p>
<p>What does she say if you suggest counseling? If money is a concern, most health insurance plans provide some mental health coverage, so your father’s work plan (I assume he has one) might have provision for a certain number of sessions.</p>
<p>I’d like to reiterate that what has been described here is a mental illness. This is not someone who is frugal so can’t throw things away or who needs to be reminded that other people live in the house.</p>
<p>It’s very extreme behavior and a very serious problem. Helping this mother is beyond the capabilities of anyone but a trained professional. Changing her own behavior is probably something she can’t do by herself. She knows that her daughter doesn’t bring friends home because of the state of the house. Once she realized that if she could have changed she would have. She can’t help what she is doing.</p>
<p>OCD is a terrible illness but it is much better understood now that it was 30 years ago. There are treatment options, either drug therapy or behavior modification. Especially if your mother has never sought treatment before there could be something that will work.</p>
<p>Hoarders are mentally ill, and unless you can coerce them to try medication you just have to deal with it. I don’t think any of us will live long enough to see therapy work (except in extreme cases). It’s like alcoholism - unless they want to help themselves, everybody else is stuck.</p>
<p>Thanks for all your help! I’m looking around online for some help for her, and I plan on exploring the mental health options at my college. You’re right, it’s frighteningly common with Asian families. </p>
<p>I’m hoping it never gets as bad as my great-aunt’s house. They used to own a Chinese restaurant, and when it closed, well, guess where all the stuff went. When my mom dragged my brothers and I there for visits, we were always frightened by the amount of stuff that had accumulated. My cousins still refer to it as “the haunted house.” Fortunately (or unfortunately?) the house was deemed unlivable by the city (something with a balcony/patio area without a railing on the 2nd floor + carbon monoxide poisoning, iirc) so they eventually moved. </p>
<p>About talking to people close to the hoarder: my mom’s best friend passed away three years ago out of nowhere with leukemia. among her closest friends now, i think one is moving back to Taiwan, and few are close enough to her to make a difference. Again, all my aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. have tried to make her change, but nobody can get through to her. I think professional help will need to be a option. </p>
<p>My plan - and you guys can pull it to pieces if necessary - is to research, find options for my mom, give them to my dad, but still have a back-up (like whoever enforces city codes and made my great-aunt’s family move - this much newspaper has to be a fire hazard)</p>
<p>I think your plan sounds fine. Educating yourself about this disease is a good idea, it’s more common than we would like to think. I’m not surprised to hear this story about your great aunt, OCD is genetic, it’s all over my husband’s family.</p>
<p>You might have to insist a little more than I get from the tone of your last post. If your dad has ignored the problem for this long he might not be too inclined to do something about it now. Maybe if he gets some education about it also he will see that there is help out there and something might work.</p>
<p>My dad relies on me to do research for work occasionally, but consumer electronics is what I’m usually researching. I’m not worried about my dad taking this seriously. He’s always called my mom’s hoarding a mental illness, which suggests to me that he knows something about solutions. He hasn’t ignored the problem, and he has tried to get her to change. His usual attitude is “well, its been like this for 20 years…” but he does have a breaking point. </p>
<p>I found a blog called 13 Years of Clutter which is from the pov of a college student. I’ve already found a professional very nearby who specializes in OC-spectrum disorders. Steps on the road to success? Definitely. There are quite a few resources online, and I will definitely be using them soon. I think I just need some time to process what I’m finding and put it all together for my dad. Probably going to take longer than a month - good thing I’m taking some easy classes this semester.</p>