I will recommend a video on college transition.
http://guidedpath.net/now-available-17-things-high-school-grads-need-to-do-the-summer-before-college/
I think the message in the video, “to be successful in college, learn to be comfortable with the uncomfortable” is spot-on. I have not purchased the product he is hawking, so I have no opinion on that one way or the other.
I will also add my voice to those urging you NOT to hang around for a month, for the same reasons everybody else is saying. One of the hardest parts of having a kid with anxiety is that you have to watch them be uncomfortable and let them work through it without trying to fix things. If you hang around, the temptation will be too great to swoop in.
Thanks everyone for your reply. I totally understand what you are trying to say and I do get a lot of insight from all of you. I planned to go there for that long for the games, early moving day for athletes, actual moving day two weeks after our arrival, investment opportunities and a small vacation for my husband and myself.
We planned it months ago and the anxiety wasn’t even there yet. It wasn’t for a helicopter function. I know she will want me to get decor stuff for her final room and there’s no way to know what to get until you are there. We will travel to Chicago, towns 2, 3 hrs away from Northfield. We will only be there for 3 days after she checked in with the coach then we will show up for a game, then help her move in to her final dorm room. We will leave Northfield and back for games only. She knows I will not rush to her when she calls. It’s the family culture. She tried so many times in the past where she went to boarding camps. She stopped doing it at the last few years cuz she knows mama won’t do that.
I was just happy at least I could give her a breather when I told her I am going with her. I am happy I could ease the anxiety right now where there’s so much unknown. She is the type of person that overthinks way before the actual moment. Once she is in it, she usually get a 360" change in her. It’s just that one unknown moment that scares her the most.
Of course being the first time college student’s mom, I face a lot of unknown too. But I have a plan to handle it but I definitely welcome advice to make sure I am doing the best for her.
I really thank all of you for caring so much but I think I am doing ok in terms of helping her deal with all the problems so far. She is a strong girl and is a leader in school and in her sport. But every mom knows their kids’ needs and is always ready to help them grow.
Again my daughter is not one of those cry baby. She is willing to face challenge but having chemical imbalance is not easy. Fortunately I don’t have it but it did take me a very, very long time to have the empathy for her and not taking it as she is weak and not willing to push through hard times. I worked out a way and I call it my recipe to help my kid grow with confidence and the ability to tackle that little anxiety monster. It’s all about balance and it’s individual for each child. But I am not a professional or a perfect mom. I am still learning to be a better one each day by learning from others. <3
I dropped my very young and nervous daughter at a school but left the area soon after because I had to take her sister to school that same fall. I saw her about 2 months later for an event at her school, then again that same weekend to play in her first games. That was perfect. Quite a few other parents were there too, some from the area, quite a few from OOS. While the kids had a liitte bit of time with us between games, they were on the team schedule, on the team bus, with their teammates.
I think you’ll be disappointed in how little time she will have for you. She’ll have school and practice and things to do. If she feels she has to make time for you, she won’t be able to devote her time to school and practice and making friends. She chose to go to school far away from home and to play a sport. Very few parents can afford, in time or money, to see their kids play if they are more than 100 miles from home. I was surprised that a few do travel to most of the games, but most of us try to catch 3 or 4 games over spring break and I’m lucky that most games are available by video broadcast. I’d rather be there, of course, but that’s not possible. Even if I were there, she wouldn’t have time for me.
@twoinanddone I don’t need her time lol. I am there for practicality because of the different move in days and other reasons. My husband and I already planned places to go, see and eat. It’s our mini vacation as the empty nesters. I like watching games. It has been my entertainment for years.
We are very fortunate that we are able to go there to watch a lot of games and to see her from far. It will be fun.
I think I would tell her you’re not sticking around, then stick around.
If you are truly not doing it for her, then she doesn’t need to know you’re there.
The first time my older kid went to camp for three weeks, we hung out for four days nearby at a resort. She had no idea. I was convinced that she’d want to come home and would have a terrible time (this was years ago before I learned to chill out and trust my kids).
Yeah, no.
Not a peep from her the whole four days and we headed home. I felt pretty sheepish, and was glad my husband was indulgent enough to let me be so silly as to be 30 minutes away from her for 4 days-I realized then that I needed to get over myself :). His only requirement was that we didn’t let her know we’d be close by. Smart guy 
Glad I married him
In general, a lot of kids wait to buy the “decor stuff” until they’ve met roommates, seen what they brought, and had a chance to talk. Many colleges put roommates in touch with each other, before they arrive.
OP, if you have a way of working with her, great. I think part of what some of us are saying is it’s not always easy to reduce the “I” in the equation or know how much to try to.
I wouldn’t hang out in Northfield for three days after you drop her off. Sure, there is a cute downtown there but after the first night you should head out to the Cities or elsewhere. For example, Lanesboro is an hour and a half southeast of Northfield and it is famous for its bike trail. You can rent bikes there. I agree with the others that sitting around Northfield waiting for your daughter to fail in her adjustment is sad. Let her know that you will be around somewhere in the region if you must, but make plans to be elsewhere.
@CheddarcheeseMN I am staying one hour from Northfield. I stay in MN for 3 days for shopping for dorm supplies not to be with her.
Just keep in mind that most of her peers are going to be with parents who are there for one day and out, and some will have even moved in by themselves (such as international students, or poorer ones from far away). Don’t build up moving in as such a big deal that it “needs” you and a car for 3 days worth of shopping and setup. It will just exacerbate her anxiety, IMO.
@Pizzagirl I will be out of sight trust me lol. I want my own time too. It wasn’t a plan for me to hover her, just so happened she seems emotional lately and that’s why I am concerned. The order and intention of my plan is off to a lot of readers.
Yes, I like watching the games too, but my child is away at college. I wasn’t able to attend every game when she was in high school, and we knew when she was picking schools that I wouldn’t be able to go to every college game. The first year I went to 3 or 4, but last year to none. Some kids do pick a local school so that a parent can always be at a game. That’s not a choice you made.
I know you said that you are staying for a couple of weeks to help her move from one dorm to another. Don’t. The other parents aren’t staying, the other kids will help her and students for generations have figured it out. Don’t baby her. Send her a box of snacks she can share with her friends, send her flowers, but don’t hang out at practice or be there to take her to dinner.
You say you will not be there to run over and see her. It is going to be camp all over again with her asking you to come and be with her, and your saying no, except you’ll be only an hour away so she’ll know you CAN come. How is that going to help her, that you CAN come, but wont? If you aren’t going to be available to go to her, what difference does it make if you are in Minneapolis or in California?
OP - you are going to become defensive with all of those postings because everyone is saying do not go stay with her for a month. Many of those posters are speaking from experience, and I do agree with them. At the same time, I think it is going to be hard for you to back out of your plan even if you wanted to because I think it would cause more anxiety to your daughter.
You are going with her early because of her sport training, then you are going back on the moving day few weeks later when many parents are going to be there. Since you live hundreds of miles away, it makes sense for you not to go back home and then coming back out again. I think the compromise maybe to be around the vicinity, but not necessary spending time with your daughter. If you and your daughter could come up with a local support system, I would let her exercise it if she should need it while you are around (meaning not to jump to her rescue as soon as there is a crisis).
A good friend’s D has a severe Crohn disease. The D had missed most of her high school years because she was in and out of hospital so much. I thought it was very brave of them to let their D to go to a school far away. My friend told me that her adult D had to learn how to manage it on her own at some point. If they didn’t let her go away to college it would mean they have given up on her to live a normal life, and they didn’t want to. In the last 2 years there have been many emergencies. They’ve had to fly down on few occasions, but the D has learned to advocate for herself.
It is not easy.
@kchendds wrote
We are reading what you write. You may want to think about that.
I call bull on this. Nobody needs three days to shop for a dorm room. You need to get real with yourself. Seriously.
@twoinanddone she won’t ask me to go because she learned from the past and she has stopped doing that since she was 14. She is not a baby from for what you are trying to imagine. Sorry I might have portrayed her as one on my posts without noticing but she is stronger than you can imagine. It’s the chemical imbalance that hindering her from feeling her true self. By saying help her move, I am not going there holding her hands to move. I am waiting for her to tell me to go to the store and pick up stuff and deliver because she doesn’t have a car and the school is in a small town which has limited supply…
"I stay in MN for 3 days for shopping for dorm supplies not to be with her. "
It doesnt take 3 DAYS to shop for dorm supplies!! More like 3 hrs!
" I like watching games. It has been my entertainment for years."
Its time to get used to having to entertain yourself in other ways mom,
Your College age D will NOT appreciate having her mom hovering around her college, because she needs “entertainment”!
These are 2 examples of excuses, NOT reasons, you are giving for hanging around LONG after ALL other Freshman parents have made tracks.
Many colleges now specifically instruct the parents of incoming Freshman- Kiss your kids goodbye and go home.
There is a very good reason for that. Because its better for the STUDENT.
I suggest you take the wise advise given above by CC parents who have been through this tough [ especially for the parents] transition, rethink your plans, go home to Calif after dropping her off and find new things to occupy your time.
I think every kid is different, and kids with (medical) anxiety issues probably vary too. A kid with an anxiety disorder is not the same as a kid feeling “normal” anxiety on leaving for school. Also, I seriously doubt OP is planning this for selfish reasons, other than the fact that it probably kills her whenever her D has an anxiety attack. I’m speaking from experience, as my DS19 sounds similar.
I think I agreed most with what @Midwestmomofboys said. With my son, the anxiety issues are typically anticipatory. The unknown is terrifying. We have gone through extremely difficult times trying to get him to go places. If we succeed in getting him to go there, he will typically be fine. But getting him to go is horrible. So unlike most people on this thread, any kind of reassurance to just get her to go (“we’ll be in the area for a long time while you’re getting settled”) seems reasonable to me. Once she’s there and settled and made some friends, she’ll probably be better able to cope.
My son has already said he wants to go to school near where we live. He’s already anxious about being far away. I’m definitely hoping he’ll grow and he’ll lose that requirement - but I’m not going to push him.
@MotherOfDragons sorry English is not my first language. My daughter always points out my poor writing skill but it won’t stop me from asking for advice here.
I am real with myself because I know my husband more than anyone else. He doesn’t like to go to more than 2 stores in one day. How’s that not real to put consideration in accommodating a family member’s need or wish?
Why can’t your husband sit in a coffee shop and read a book while you are running into a store?
I guess the q is - is the better reassurance “I’ll be nearby so I can come get you” or “I know it’s scary to go to the cafeteria/find a new friend/etc but I have total faith you can do it”? My D has had anxiety issues so I get it, but part of it is also helping her not catastrophize the normal bumps in the road.
It’s partly that many of us know how our anxious kids come to depend on us. That goes from the warm hug, to the assurances, the suggestions, helping handle their crises, to even just listening to them.
It’s a hard lesson, but sometimes, the very comfort they want from us is what hampers them from growing. Sometimes, even with a kid diagnosed with anxiety, they have to come to redefine without us. I don’t mean throwing them in the deep end alone, but the baby steps that we hope add up. That’s what I learned, it’s been difficult. We had to shift how we reacted, so many times. And every family situation is different.
Whether or not they- or we- realize it, in ways, they’re always watching us for our reactions.