@MaineLonghorn the plan was done and can’t be changed because of some pre-paid payments but I will definitely be careful with my actions there. Thanks for giving me ideas to think it all over. That’s was my intention to collect as much ideas as possible to put in my own recipe to make it better for her.
Athletes do move after initial move in at my son’s school (if they are staying on campus). All athletes move in to one set of dorms when they arrive, and then about 2 weeks before school, move into their assigned dorms. It depends on the school. His school is very large, and I think it is easier to keep everyone in the same general area at the beginning while they are acclimating.
@kchendds- I do understand where you are coming from as our oldest daughter had severe anxiety disorder during much of high school and college. The anxiety is not the normal anxiety that most kids experience when they leave for college- we have 3 other kids and I know what that looks like. I don’t necessarily think what you are doing is a bad thing as long as you are not calling her every day and checking on her constantly. I do think it might be better to get there a little early and do all of the dorm shopping done as much as possible before everyone else gets there. Most parents will drop their kids off that first day, maybe do some shopping, and then leave. You want to make sure your daughter is available to other kids in the dorm those first few days. If someone says “I’m walking to the student store and then to get something to eat…who wants to come?”, make sure your daughter can not use you as an excuse not to go. It’s good to make sure she isn’t able to use you for an excuse when something stressful comes up. No one here thinks your daughter is a “crybaby”. As long as you are not hovering, I think it might be a bit reassuring to her to know you are in the general area. I would not normally recommend this, but having dealt with a child with anxiety disorder, I feel that sometimes it is better to handle things a little differently. As a side note, we also have one who plays a sport at his school, and I think you will find that her involvement in a sport will provide an instant group to which she feels she belongs. It is a great way to feel involved immediately! Best of luck!!!
Good luck, OP! I will be thinking of your daughter. I DO know how you feel - I would be lying if I I said I wasn’t a little nervous about my daughter, also!
I seriously think your support is most crucial before school starts in helping her interview/find the therapist (and psychiatrist if meds are involved) she will use on an ongoing basis. I don’t know Carleton or Northfield, but I would imagine
a) you’ll want a private therapist versus school resources (though certainly familiarize yourself w what is there) and
b) there will be several to choose from so she will want to see who she clicks with.
THAT, to my way of thinking, is far more important to get squared away before school starts, than planning to stay afterwards to shop and decorate.
I think you are getting some very, very good advice here. I am not sure that you really want to hear it. We dropped our D off last August on the East Coast, 3,000 miles from home, and left the next morning since neither of us was up to catching a red-eye. I know it’s hard, and of course I wanted to stay longer. As for shopping and sightseeing, we did that a couple of days before move in.
I think that you need to consider that this might be your issue more than hers. And please realize that sticking around locally (even if you aren’t in her room) sends a message that you do not have confidence in her. That you aren’t sure she can make the transition without you. That she might fall apart and need you. I understand wanting to provide a safety net (really, I do) but please consider that this may undermine her confidence and lead to a much more difficult transition for her.
Also, it’s easier to separate and move on to something brand new. Everyone will be doing the same thing. Showing up every weekend for a game may make it much harder for her. I know that is not your intention, but I’ve seen it happen over the last year - some parents are understandably having a rough time separating and they have made the transition much harder for their college freshman.
Even if he wants to participate, the issue is still, when is this all too much.
OP, if this had started differently, you said you’d stick around for other reasons, eg, “We’ve always wanted time in Chicago,” or some event in Minneapolis, that’s one thing. You’d then be asking if that’s too near or what we thought of heading back for the first game (whether or not she plays,) before heading home. But this does come off as a lot of planning primarily to stay close and stay involved, at a time when many kids want to tackle this unknown (settling in) and get through it as fast as they can. Just be wise.
^Not just that kids"want" to tackle this on their own, but that they " should" tackle this on their own (with appropriate community supports identified ahead of time). That first month is when so many friendships are forged, and over small things – getting stuck on the same problem set and finding someone in your dorm to help you in the evening, sitting down at a new table in the cafeteria when everyone else is new as well, pre game and post game activities with teammates. She may feel obligated to entertain you even if it is not what you mean to have happen.
@lookingforward yeah the nature of the stay has changed once I saw the attack but I got drifted to the wrong direction and starting to believe I was there mainly for her. It wasn’t and she knows it cuz I told her I won’t be available most of the time and she understands. There were times that I chose to step back and huge mistakes were made. But most of the times my decisions were right on after knowing her behavior pattern or the nature of the attacks. I learned along the way raising her. Plenty of trial and errors. It’s not the first time for me a handle a child with anxiety. I have dealt with it since she was three. I can say I am more experienced than most of the people who commented here.
I will go through all the comments and get the essence of them and apply it to my situation. It’s a blessing to have all parents chime in either being harsh or supportive. I am confident I gained a lot from reading them even I feel offended sometimes. You guys are all coming with good intentions. I sincerely thank you all.
So true about the first month. Even the first days can set a tone.
Okay, lets see if we can get the thread back on track. My thoughts (forgive me for stating some of the oblivious):
Have her visit the counseling center. Since she has a known issue, she should understand the process for getting help and maybe have an appointment before any issues arise. It can be extremely hard to walk in the door the first time. She will be more comfortable when she sees the shear number of kids in the counseling center seeking help.
See if the counseling center can give her a referral for a local therapist and help her set up the first appointment. Most college counseling centers are geared for short term therapy only.
Have her check to see if any of the doctors at the counseling center accept your insurance. It might be possible to see their doctors for any prescription purposes and for adjusting her medications.
Make sure she understand how to use your health insurance. Some kids are clueless. Talk about how and when to use the ER, urgent care and student health center. Explain the role of the RA during a serious health emergency.
Help her, if necessary, to transfer her medical prescriptions to a local pharmacy. Make sure she understands that sometimes the pharmacy might need to order the medicine so she cannot wait until she is completely out.
If any of her medications are the type to get stolen, she might need a safe place to store them.
Does she need accommodations? Get the documentation now to support that.
If she has accommodations urge her to talk to ALL her professors ASAP.
Are her coaches aware of her issues? If not, shouldn’t they be?
Most of these she has to handle but it can help for you to guide her though the process but NOT do it for her. Most are simple but when you have anxiety, sometimes the simple things trigger anxiety so you avoid doing them.
To add to the above:
Ask her what she wants your role to be during this time? As hard as it might be, you need to respect her wishes as much as possible.
"See if the counseling center can give her a referral for a local therapist and help her set up the first appointment. Most college counseling centers are geared for short term therapy only.
Have her check to see if any of the doctors at the counseling center accept your insurance. It might be possible to see their doctors for any prescription purposes and for adjusting her medications."
I guarantee that she is not the first girl setting foot on Carleton’s campus who has needed support. I would bet that Carleton’s mental health center has a list of local therapists that they have worked with or that they have found to be good for particular conditions. I would also check your own private insurance and find out NOW how many / what therapists there are in Northfield that are covered, and start investigating them.
I think asking what our child wants is tough, if there’s a dependency in the relationship.
My D2 was able to get counseling without going off campus, a local doc who came there. Different college. I do agree with being around to meet the health services folks. I don’t consider that just meeting them, asking some policy questions and covering paperwork is intrusive.
What my daughter needed to do was learn some self advocacy in this regard. She was originally assigned a general counselor who didn’t click, and who cancelled a few appts. Fortunately, by that point, she was able to escalate a bit, on her own. When I heard about it, it was a done deal that she meet with a higher level professional.
OP, I can tell you care.
I think that there are some social anxiety issues that have unusual needs in terms of support in new situations.
We have a family member with something called “Selective Mutism”. This child has serious needs in terms of adjusting to new social situations. The family got it diagnosed early, have been on it, and do things other people don’t understand, but it does help. Now as this child approaches middle school, she is almost indistinguishable from other kids as far as anyone outside the family can tell. However, it is an ongoing process.
I don’t see anything wrong with going to be near your D for a month while she adjusts to college life. I think you can do this, AND she can learn to be an independent adult. It is not being a helicopter parent to offer your child the help she needs in life.Trust your own insights into your daughter’s needs. With that in mind, some suggestions here about professional help make sense. I’ve written that my oldest D struggled with homesickness very badly, and while she didn’t see a therapist, she spoke to her advisor and to her RA about it. She took their advice on how to deal with it, and it did help.
So.Many.Excuses.
I don’t disagree with this. Many HIGH SCHOOL students have their parents at every game. Things will be different in college. If you can afford to be at every game, and you like it, just know that the more your daughter relies on you for her post game discussions, the less she’ll be part of the team. Is your goal to have her be part of the team, part of the college life? You have to let go.
My daughter called me after most games to vent about her teammates and the bad calls the refs made and how the coach yelled at her. At first she was very emotional, very scared, very unsure of her academic abilities and her athletic ones. I’d just listen to her (and we couldn’t have had these conversations if I were there because there would be too many others around to hear). The calls lasted about 5 minutes and then she had to get back to the bus or the team meeting or just catch a ride with the friends she was venting about. Would I have liked to be there? Yes, I love the games and still watch a lot of games at all different levels. Do I think my daughter adjusted better because I wasn’t there? Yes. Because her venting phone calls were limited to 5 minutes, she had to get over it quickly and rely on her teammates for support. She now has a few friends she can confide in and vent with, not just me. I get fewer calls. I think it is a little more productive for her to work on the issues with the teammates, complain about the coach, complain about the refs, share food and laughs. I did like being the most important person in her world, the one she turned to, but it wasn’t best for her.
One of her teammates/roommates did have a parent from OOS attend every game, home and away. The mother was always THERE. As you said, the girl liked it and the mom liked it, so what’s the big deal? The girl wasn’t popular and in fact couldn’t find any teammate to room with her for the second year (for a couple of reasons, including that she was being an RA in a religious dorm), and in the fall of the second year quit the team. I think if the mother hadn’t been so involved, the girl would have had to spend more time talking to the team about issues, working things out. One example was that there is a golf tournament and fundraising party for the parents each spring. I happened to be there that day so attended, and so did this girl with her parents. No one else from the team attended, and in fact the coach and assistant coach didn’t have time to attend. It is a party for the parents (well, anyone with money as it is a fundraiser), not the students. She wasn’t living in the world of the team but in a bubble her mother helped to maintain. My daughter was the youngest on the team but this girl was second. It showed.
OK, admittedly I did not read the thread. I just read the OP and reacted to this. I think it’s not at all a good idea. It’s just postponing the inevitable. All her friends and teammates will have made the transition and said goodbye to their families a month ago, and she will first be doing it a month into the school year?
Also, staying a month signals that you do not have confidence in her ability to separate and handle college on her own. IMO, it’s best to drop off and go home.
Too much assumption. Too soon to conclude. Every situation is unique. But it’s natural for people to just read based on what I wrote and think from there. My writing skill is never the best since English is my second language. I think I have got a lot of good advice. I’m confident I will make this plan the best possible based on all the advice. Thank you.
I honestly think people here are trying their best to be helpful, not to judge you. And I also think you have the best of intentions. But several of us are asking you to rethink your plans and consider that what you are doing may actually undermine your daughter’s level of confidence and her ability to adjust to her new college. Again, I understand that that is not what you are trying to do, but please consider that it might actually be the result of your not going home after move in day.
Understanding your daughter’s needs is important, but it’s equally important to understand when it’s time to let go. She will never know if she is capable of doing this on her own if she is given the opportunity to try.
Just a note re: medical logistics from a current student’s point of view, since I think this can easily be very stressful for a young adult…
Make sure that your daughter is equipped with everything that a doctor’s office (of any kind) would require. This includes insurance card, prescription card, social security number, and a form of payment. If she has money in the bank to use her debit card for copays/procedures/prescriptions/etc, great. You can work it out whether/how you will reimburse her for those things or not. If she does not have money in the bank to cover those expenses (at least preliminarily), work out ahead of time whether she’s allowed to use a credit card or other method of payment under your name. Also be sure that she understands the ins and outs of using her insurance. I know that this was (and still kind of is) confusing to me. It might be helpful to write down what kind of insurance plan it is (HMO, PPO, etc.) and any other relevant information.
Luckily I have not yet needed any emergency medical care while at college. My experiences have been at my university’s health center, urgent care, and a gynecologist’s office. My university’s health center is fairly useless. I would go there for a quick strep test or a flu shot, but otherwise… No. I went through a big ordeal with them as I sought a Nexplanon BC implant in the fall semester, then another ordeal when I was sick during the spring. Ended up going to a reputable gynecologist’s office for the BC and to urgent care to (finally) be diagnosed with mono and given some prednisone for my swollen tonsils.
The university health center DID take my insurance, but was not in-network and didn’t actually send anything over to my insurance for reimbursement. I would’ve had to handle that part of it, which I didn’t know how to do.
I don’t know how your daughter’s university’s mental health services program is, but I would not count on it. My school notoriously has long waits to even get a preliminary consultation. IMO, it might be better to find a separate, well-regarded psychiatrist/therapist close to campus. This is something that I’m sure your daughter would really appreciate your help with.