Do people “unwittingly” transmit their eye color as well? Because it sounds as if some of you think the child’s anxiety is caused by the mother’s anxious behavior, when it could simply be that anxiety, like brown eyes, runs in their family.
You know, campus health/counseling are wonderful things, but I want to caution all of you about expecting them to be just like the doctor/private counsellors you’ve had experience with at home. College health centers rarely have the staff/expertise available to provide ongoing services to students with chronic issues. Think about it. If you sent your child to college with a chronic physical issue that required regular specialist appointments, let’s say something requiring a rheumatologist or a pulmonologist, even an allergist, would you just set the kid up at campus health? College counseling offices were designed for short term interventions, screenings, and education. They also are pretty well-versed in substance abuse. If your child is going to need regular appointments all year long, or will benefit from a specific type of therapy I’m going to urge you to get your child set up with a private therapist and NOT to rely on campus health.
We have said repeatedly here that a good use of time prior to school starting might be interviewing different private therapists in the vicinity of the college so that the D is all set once school begins (as well as confirming logistics such as transportation and insurance). Agree that school counselors will likely not be enough. But the OP so far has not even said that D is seeing a therapist now.
It was not my intention to place blame.
I don’t think the mom’s anxious behavior directly caused her daughter’s anxiety, of course not - but I do think another’s anxiety, when you’re already anxious, certainly doesn’t help you feel less so.
But agree, it’s up to the individual to learn coping mechanisms to control anxiety, whether it’s behavioral changes or remembering to take meds…
Very true @pizzagirl.
Ordinary- agree 100 %. I don’t think anyone has suggested or implied that the D rely on campus health. The parents could be using this time to evaluate their options – in town, near campus- for both a physician to supervise and manage meds, plus get involved when needed, plus a therapist for ongoing support.
@BeeDAre I agree. I have friends with anxiety and although we support each other, there have been times where one of us says “I think being around each other right now is not helping either of us deal with our anxiety.” It’s not easy to do but important
If someone else’s anxiety affects your life in any way, you will probably become somewhat tightly wound in situations that you think could set them off. These include situations in which they are fine. All to say that there is, for good reason, some contagion possible/probable.
Yes, I do think that anxious parents cause more anxiety in kids. That isn’t to deny a genetic component, but I think the behavior of parents matters. Do you not consciously try to remain calm when your child is stressed or anxious in order to reassure them? Why would you do that if not to calm their anxiety?
http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/09/25/443444964/parents-can-learn-how-to-prevent-anxiety-in-their-children "there are certain parenting behaviors that can promote anxiety — like modeling anxiety in front of your kids. "
akchendds: Our daughter also will be a Carleton freshman this fall. Although I have no advice to add in regard to your daughter’s anxiety issues, my wife and I would happily host the two of you for a day or two during your visit in Minnesota. We live 3 hours from Northfield and in the Brainerd Lakes region, near a number of old-time lake resorts. Can also advise on sites to see in Mpls. and elsewhere. Feel free to personal-message me via the top of the page.
@Mathyone, I agree, but my point was that sometimes the parents cannot help their own anxiety, because they have the disorder themselves. But you are absolutely right that such parents need to take measures to relieve their own anxiety so that they can model good coping skills for their kids.
I’m a little sensitive on this subject because mental health issues do run in my family and I feel like people always blame the mother when their kid has such a disorder. It’s very frustrating when you’re looking for support and sympathy!
I’m not blaming the OP for her daughter’s disorder. But the OP asked how she can best support her daughter in this particular transition. I think most posters on this thread think that once she has gotten the support for her kid lined up at college (eg private counselor), she should back off rather than hovering over her kid, eg doing the 3 days of dorm room shopping which most posters felt would be counter productive, both interfering with early bonding with teammates and roommate who may be important supports for her at college, and potentially transmitting some of this OP’s evident (and understandable) anxiety to the kid.
The hanging around will make the OP’s daughter “different.” No college kid likes to be different during the first couple of weeks.
I wish College Confidential had the ability to post polls.
Q: Should I stay for a month?
- Yes
- No
@brantly We are not hanging around. We will be in Minnesota, Iowa, Illinois and Wisconsin. So basically just hanging out in the Midwest for a month not in Northfield. It would be closer from home to Pomona and sort if she would have to go to a similar school as Carleton in CA.
You say that you will not be hanging around. But your initial post suggests that you plan to attend her games at a minimum and be there at her side if she calls you. It suggests that she knows you will be within driving distance. I would define that as hanging around.
I do not mean to sound harsh. I totally get the worry and the wish to make this a positive experience for your child. But you asked the question and you’ve been given a rash of answers telling you why your plan is not in your child’s best interests. If you didn’t want to hear what people had to say, with all due respect, I’m not sure why you posted the question.
@3girls3cats I was asking what not to say when we are still here in CA to make the situation worst. The worst for her is the time when she has a lot of unknown and that’s the only problem. We know this girl once she is there, she will never want to leave. I never asked what to do to deal with her in MN. I gave her the sense of security by telling her I would be there. I think a lot of people either misunderstood me or I didn’t explain myself correctly. Also I got side tracked by others too when commenting. I am sorry if I have done that.
But she is fine now. We figured out a best way to deal with her anxiety and she agreed to it. It has been working perfectly. Thank you.
I sincerely apologize. I misunderstood the intent of your post. I thought you were looking for opinions on how best to help your daughter make this transition. I did not realize that you had already made the decision to accompany her and stay in the area through October and were not open to reviewing that decision. I wish her and you the best for a successful year of growth at Carleton.
@3girls3cats Not a problem at all. It was my poor communication skill. Thank you so much!
Kchendds, you would really make a lot of us feel better about your plan if you would only confirm that a) D is seeing a therapist now and b) you are working to ensure that she has a therapist ready when she gets there. At no point have you confirmed either of those things, and I daresay these are the things that are going to make the most difference in a successful transition.