<p>My mother works very hard and she’s suffering from a lot of stress. So I’m really concerned about how this will affect her health, too. What suggestions do you have for helping her? Thanks.</p>
<p>If you are living at home, start helping more with the housework and household chores. Don’t ask if she needs help – just look around and take it on yourself to do some jobs that need doing – including cooking some meals. And make sure that you never leave a mess that needs to be cleaned up… it really irks me when I’m tired and get up in the morning to find a sink full of dirty dishes that my kids have left there after snacking late at night. Stress comes from being overloaded – and if your mom works outside the home and also ends up doing most of the caretaking for the house and family, its no wonder she is stressed out. So the best way to help is to pitch in and reduce the workload at home.</p>
<p>Maybe you should have a family meeting and discuss the stress your mom is under and ask for concrete suggestions how the family could help her. Volunteering to do chores she would otherwise have to do is a good start. Sometimes just knowing that others acknowledge that you are under stress and knowing that some of the stressors are going to be lifted is enough to carry one through the period of stress.</p>
<p>What they said! Also, if family disagreements may be contributing to your mom’s stress level (as they invariably do to mine), perhaps the other family members could work on their conflict resolution skills a bit … or at least save any arguments for when Mom is busy elsewhere. </p>
<p>I just wanted to congratulate you for being a very sensitive and caring daughter! I’m sure your Mom feels lucky to have you.</p>
<p>As a type-A sort of mom who also works hard and once in a while goes through periods of extreme work-related stress (very long days, longer travel schedules, multiple commitments and deadlines, etc.), I like Calmom’s post the best. </p>
<p>When under extreme stress, I like action, not talk. Sitting down and having a “family discussion” would send me completely over the edge, off the reservation. I have no interest at all in what people say, but I’m always VERY interested in what they DO. Discussions are best for me when the stress has eased, and when they come about in an unstructured format. </p>
<p>Coming home from a long trip to find the kitchen clean, or even something as simple as waking up and finding that someone made me a cup of coffee, or if I’m in town, someone prepared a dinner - even a quick, hand written note of appreciation left for me on the frig - these kinds of things are incredibly helpful - they sound small and insignificant, but you cannot imagine how much they help, and how much they mean to me. </p>
<p>The other part I like about Calmom’s post is where she says “don’t ask - just do”. If D says “do you want me to make you dinner” - this actually adds even more stress, because I do not wish to cause her more work, either, and then it becomes “what would you like”, which means I have to think of something, which adds to the pile of decisions I have to make. Plus while under extreme stress, I’m too busy to really notice if I’m hungry or not. Comparatively, if dinner simply appears without discussion, unless it’s something really bizarre that I wouldn’t ordinarily eat, I’m going to realize that wow, I’m very hungry, and I’m going to gratefully, happily gobble it down. </p>
<p>But perhaps most importantly, if you are doing very well in your own life - getting good grades, or at least enjoying your classes, and very happy, productive in your own life, for example - that’s probably the best stress relief of all. I suspect that parents who work like me have one very major endgame in mind that trumps all others - we want our children to be very happy and successful (their terms), and, as long as that happens, the rest of it is tolerable.</p>
<p>KissMeKate: You are already a dear daughter to your mom by noticing that she is under stress. Here are a few things that I love to see done by someone else around my house.
- Dishes: do them. Empty dishwasher. Wipe down counters. Straighten clutter on counters.
- Bathroom (especially main bathroom that might be used by any guests): clean and keep counter tidy.
- Vacuum, especially main areas.
- Coffee or tea: make your mom a cup or bring her a favorite beverage when she is sitting down and looking tired.</p>
<p>The dishes, bathroom, vacuuming thing is so endless–any help you give there (especially without being asked) will help your mom tremendously.</p>
<p>You’re a great daughter for noticing and for caring enough to be concerned. I agree with calmoms post, as well as the idea that family disagreements can add a lot of stress to a mom. The day to day helpfulness is so much more effective than one big gesture.</p>
<p>When I’m stressed, my H always suggests getting away for the weekend. What I really need is for my “week” to be easier.</p>
<p>No one mentioned exercise as a stress reducer. Invite your mom to go with you on a walk.</p>
<p>Try to arrange a time when everything stops for your mom. My husband always cleans up after dinner so that I can sit and relax with the morning paper. I really appreciate that.</p>
<p>I agree that cleaning can be a stressor, but I personally find cleaning very soothing–it’s one thing I do when I want to relax. (I just spent half an hour taking apart my husband’s coffee grinders (one for caffeinated, the other for decaf) and getting all the coffee dust out, then cleaning the counter where they were…</p>
<p>Well, dmd77, I always found cleaner even nicer if others in the house were pitchng in. When my son was a teenager he vacuumed the front room almost every day – and I definitely appreciated that. The cool thing is that I never asked him to – he just kind of appointed himself the vacuum-boss. It just is so nice to have one less thing to worry about… and there was still plenty for me to do, so no danger of being usurped by helpful kids. (For some reason neither of my kids ever seemed to solve the mystery of the function of the dishwasher and how to load and unload the thing). However, my kids have always done their own laundry, and for that I am grateful.</p>
<p>calmom, I certainly don’t (and never have) keep the house clean on my own. In our house, making everyone work is called “slavery” and anyone can be called to a term of slavery of up to 1/2 hour if you need help with something. As in, “I need everyone here for 15 minutes of slavery.” You’d be amazed what you can accomplish in 15 minutes if you get everyone working and you don’t mind sounding like a drill sargeant. But that’s not the kind of cleaning I was talking about findng soothing; clearly, I should have been more explicit. I find it very pleasurable to set one small and complex cleaning project and do it thoroughly and completely, like taking apart the cooktop and cleaning it, or cleaning the refrigerator.</p>
<p>However, there are certainly cleaning tasks that I avoid. I don’t mind loading the dishwasher but dislike unloading it; I don’t mind vacuuming the hardwood floors but dislike the carpets. I don’t mind cleaning toilets (which I know lots of people hate). I rather like doing laundry, and am always rather pleased when the kids bring it home, because I can send the whites back white and the clothes neatly folded. (I don’t iron for them, in case you’re wondering.)</p>
<p>However, given the choice between vacuuming and weeding, I’d weed every time.</p>
<p>I will note, on the topic of cleaning, that many moms I know want their kids (or husband) to help and then criticize how they do the job. In fact, one friend’s husband confided to me “I was just so incompetent at doing the dishes that now she just doesn’t ask me any more.” Hmm. He has a degree from MIT and solders beautifully; I expect he could learn.</p>
<p>Some husbands make a deliberate point of being inept at whatever it is that they don’t want to do again.</p>
<p>My mom was a criticizer - there was no pleasing her so we gave up trying.</p>
<p>But I’ll take any help my kids can give. When they were toddlers, if they spilled juice on the floor, I’d hand them a paper towel and tell them to clean it up. (Really little kids LOVE to “clean”). Then I’d wait until they were off doing something else before I’d clean up the aftermath of their cleaning.</p>
<p>KissMeKate~</p>
<p>{{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you for being a fantastic, thoughtful daughter!</p>
<p>I will second those who have advocated the “just do, don’t ask” method of pitching in. I am a mother of six, yet I am astoundingly, remarkably DISorganized. An ABSOLUTE DISASTER in that area. Though my wise friends have always encouraged me to delegate, delegate, delegate, they do not realize that that task alone is sometimes beyond my capability, and so, I end up doing much of whatever needs to be done myself, rather than struggling with the decisions that would be inherent in delegation. However, I find that if someone has just DONE something, that helps TREMENDOUSLY. </p>
<p>Interestingly, one of the best, most independently functioning and helpful members of our household is not, officially, a member of our household, as least for tax purposes! <em>lol</em> He is my daughter’s bf…I’ve NEVER seen ANYONE who can come in a take charge with cleaning like he can. Whenever I’m super stressed, he just pitches right in and NEVER asks a question. He can create order out of chaos faster, better, and more efficiently than ANYONE I know. And he’s all of <em>17</em> years old…OMG, GREAT husband material one day…:D</p>
<p>I think the main things for you to do are to manage your own life so that your mom doesn’t have that worry on top of everything else, and then, take charge and pitch in wherever you can. Tasks that end up miraculously done with no direction or prodding can really help reduce stress on a parent. ~berurah</p>