How to help the newly widowed???

Parent Cafe
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<p>Thank you for all the info thus far, I am printing it for the DDs</p>

<p>The widow in question is only a couple of weeks post death, so it is all new and different and harder than she thought, she is a very strong person and thought she would power through.</p>

<p>She does not like being alone; one DD visits daily, taking care of paperwork, but really is staying too long for her own good, knowing how lonely mom is. DD is afraid of starting bad habits. The widow does not ask or even encourage the other DD in the area to visit and this is a strain, D1 is overwhelmed and D2 is hurt. She has always been closer to D1 than D2.</p>

<p>In the couple of years in the area the widow has never gone to the senior center, but we will toss that idea out to her, just to check the options. She has commented that it was nice for her (widow’s mom) to live with the widow’s family for a few years after she lost her DH- is she hinting to move in?</p>

<p>She says the house is too quiet and she feels empty and she ‘has nothing’ (as in no life.</p>

<p>She does not want support groups, ever, doesn’t like to bare her soul in public, though is part of a Bible study; She has been attending church for a couple of years, but it is a mega church, so more difficult for an 85 year old to connect. Perhaps a local senior church is better.</p>

<p>The 'get a life" stems from the fact that she has had some issues the past 10 years such that she cannot do much and her life shrank to only her DH, especially since the move. DDs are afraid she really has not had any life of her own in 10+ years and how will she find one now? They don’t want her to look to them for 100% of her stimulation and because she has a habit of building a routine around things they are afraid their offerings in the early days will be expected to be forever routines.</p>

<p>I will check into the local bus service, great idea, i think they may have a senior service, even though she lives out of town</p>

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<p>You know 85 is not to old to learn a new skill or to pick up an old one. What did she do back when she had “a life”? Did she quilt, knit, sew? Maybe she would want to find a quilting guild or a knitting circle? Did she have a professional life? Maybe she wants to volunteer in a way that ties to that. A couple of weeks is a very short time in this process, she will need some time and space to even begin to think she wants another life. Give her time, but you are wise to begin thinking now how to help.</p>

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<p>I think that we all have this idea of Senior Centers being dreadful places full of OLD PEOPLE. But when it’s time for us to hang out there, they will be people our age…people with common experiences.</p>

<p>Also, she may want to check out active seniors groups at other churches. She doesn’t have to join the church or even share their views to go to their activities. Our church has a group that takes bus trips all over the place…sometimes for a few hours, sometimes for a few days.</p>

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Just be there, have a cup of tea/coffee, and listen. You will get clues on how to proceed if you listen to her. Talk about her husband and let her tell stories.When I lost both of my parents, it was the little gestures and the friends willing to listen to stories that meant the most to me.</p>

<p>Btw, a megachurch has many different groups, not just Bible study. One of our local megachurches has a grief support group, which might help.</p>

<p>I’m so sorry for your loss, sistersunnie.</p>

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<p>SisterSunnie & DMD- thank you for being willing to share your 1st person perspective, this forum is so generous with thoughts & feelings & sharing.</p>

<p>The DDs are trying to teach her email, it is slow going.</p>

<p>They have suggested a pet, but thus far she is against it, though I can see how it could be the perfect focal point. They think she recalls the hassle of a dog with little kids in the house & now doesn’t want the responsibility because she has said that for 30 years, but now, all alone, maybe that responsibility is just what she needs- if & when she chooses</p>

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Yes, many people imagine senior centers are full of delirious people strapped into wheelchairs begging passersby for help – an awful stereotype. At our center, we have yoga, Tai Chi, Zumba (the senior version), aerobics, and weight training classes. More bridge than any sane person would ever want to play. Trips, dinners, luncheons, teas, outings. We’ve had driving classes, watercolor classes, Spanish classes, Italian classes, computer classes, and workshops on living with arthritis, writing your memoirs, making friends with your cell phone, and using the internet. That’s just one center. The resources for seniors are many – so many that you pretty much need to know how to use the internet to find everything that’s out there. That’s another way a younger person might help a senior cope with loneliness. Though some seniors are extremely computer-savvy – several of our members made careers in the field.</p>

<p>When we have a musical program, our members want to hear popular songs from the 1930s through about 1960. Everyone loves to sing along to Irving Berlin or a Gershwin tune. What freaks me out is the thought of us as seniors, singing along to “Satisfaction.” And our kids as seniors – I can’t even image. :D</p>

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<p>My 80+ widowed mom likes her cat, although before this would only cotton to dogs. She says it gives her company and a warm, purring presence without the issues of dogwalking, especially on ice in winter. With a cat, she can also leave it in the apartment for several days if visiting, asking a neighbor to come in and feed her. I would never have believed my mom would switch over from dogs to cats, but she did. soon after widowhood. </p>

<p>My MIL didn’t alter her lifelong love of dogs. She adopted her last when over the 80-mark (MIL, not doggie). At first she walked it and chatted with neighbors. At that age, with all the family turnover in the neighborhood, they wouldn’t even know the woman except for this dog, although she lived there 89 years. Neighbors change, and dogs help a person be known on the street. People stop to chat, if she’s friendly. Vet bills became a challenge, however, on fixed income.</p>

<p>After some years, she pulled back to just chaining it from her back door into the yard; then she went out to pooper-scoop. She hired an 11-y.o. neighbor kid to leash-walk the dog each evening, for $15/week in a very modest, working-class neighborhood. As she aged, though, it did get harder but she had others groom the dog – things she’d done before on her own.</p>

<p>OP is fortunate to have already built a bond with a church. Can the pastor or church administrator guide her to activities? She might start by going to tell him all her sorrows, but DD’s can clue him in advance they’d hope for him to also make suggestions about community activities. Personally I see that 80+ get a bigger kick out of helping others in the larger community with some church task force or project, as compared to Bible reading, although most I know do both on different days. Reading a Bible, which might have been a great quiet time while raising a busy family, isn’t the same today. She might need the social/civic volunteer format to replace family stories in her life now. In our temple, a favorite one is when the seniors go together to a public school with many immigrants, sit down and read picture books to them one-at-a-time.</p>

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<p>And Missypie, when someone talks about my husband, remembers something he said or did, recalls a story about him, I am thrilled! I often cry when they do so, and maybe thats why ppl hesitate to talk about our lost loved one, but I am touched and it means so much.</p>

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<p>Sistersunnie - I wish we had known you DH! I think you are right, people tiptoe around talking about him for fear of making it “worse.” Like it could get worse. It is so helpful hearing you say what has been most helpful to you - it makes it easier for the rest of us to comfort those we love. </p>

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<p>This is so helpful to me. Although in my case both of my parents are alive, I am going to print out this statement as a reminder that I can’t come with solutions and fix everything. </p>

<p>To the OP, if I understand your comments correctly, this woman is the mother of close friends of yours? I think it is important for you to remind the daughters of this important fact, i.e., they can’t fix everything. If their mom had already narrowed her life, it is going to be tough.</p>

<p>Recently, I wrote a letter to my dad’s GP to tell him that I thought my dad was depressed. Next time we had a visit, the GP was wonderful. He asked all the right questions (it is amazing what some background info will do) and led my dad to a point where he acknowledged that he was depressed. He put him on an anti-depressant and I really think it has helped. One point the GP made was of all populations, the elderly are the least likely to get treatment for depression, in spite of the fact that their lives are filled with more trigger events. </p>

<p>I don’t think medication is for everyone, but when you talk about his woman sleeping so much, it makes me wonder. Meds won’t do a darn thing to change what she has to face, but it may change her ability to cope.</p>