How to help the newly widowed???

Parent Cafe
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<p>Okay, CC family, help me out. What do you do to help some one newly widowed. I feel stymied and at a loss. She is 85 and has been pretty much nothing but a wife for 65 years.</p>

<p>She does not garden, does not read, does not want a pet, does not have any social circle here as they moved here to be near family for health concerns; she plays card with family, but is not in a social group at all. She has not driven in years. With two kids nearby and two far away who call regularly, there is plenty of support, but she needs to “get a life”</p>

<p>It is difficult enough at 22 to move to a new town and find a post college life, or move at any age, or find a new life in our empty nest years…how does one find the intestinal fortitude at 80+??</p>

<p>Any experience and advice would be appreciated</p>

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<p>Does she want to “get a life”?</p>

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<p>I work at a senior center and have seen similar situations often. If you’re a friend who would like to offer occasional support, I suggest calling this woman every week or two and asking her out to lunch, or offering to take her on a few errands. You might also want to assemble a list of a few senior resources in the area (senior centers, widow/widower support groups, the phone number of her county department of aging, etc.), and give it to her or to one of her children. </p>

<p>If you’re one of her children, that can be a tough spot. I’ve often seen senior parents who want and expect their children to fulfill all their social needs, and that can be frustrating and cause resentment on both sides. What I don’t recommend is trying to manage a grieving widow/widower into social situations because it’s good for them, because they really should be getting out, or even because you’ll lose your mind if you have to listen to them tell you how lonely they are one more time. We frequently receive calls from children in this situation who want to bring their parent to a center and see the problem solved. Understandable, but it never works - the senior is resentful and we usually see them once or twice, then never again. Seniors are adults - they don’t want their children to choose how they’ll spend their time. Here is where a church or other widowed persons support group can really help. A grieving senior will often not mind attending this kind of meeting, because he/she sees it as a therapeutic activity. Many churches have well-developed senior support programs.</p>

<p>Seniors never fail to amaze me. “Intestinal fortitude” doesn’t begin to describe the gallantry of these folks who experience loss after loss - their spouse, health, money, independence - and can still face another day, usually with humor. The human body can renew itself again and again, and the human spirit is the same.</p>

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<p>Here is the good news (I always try to start with the good news): women seem to be much stronger than men in this regard; that is, she will figure out what she wants; what makes her happy, etc…if she is still in the “grieving period”, one cannot know how she will evolve in this new role…</p>

<p>Now, here is the “bad”: it’s extremely difficult for those on the outside to watch this process (I’ve seen it both with women and men)…hang in there; be supportive (as you can)…</p>

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<p>I have had older female relatives who have lost their mates and some enjoy having the house to themselves and others go wild with trips around the world and redecorating their houses from top to bottom. But first they need time to adjust.</p>

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<p>agree with frazzled</p>

<p>Might she be interested in going to religious services?</p>

<p>Can someone begin taking her every week? She may find her religious community to have groups of people her age involved in activities she might become interested in.</p>

<p>Just start asking her to go to services with you ( don’t tell her your long term goal. :slight_smile:
She will meet people and they will ask her to join them. </p>

<p>Make sure she has rides to these places.</p>

<p>Just don’t push and demand immediate changes from her. It is a tough time.</p>

<p>Good Luck</p>

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<p>Senior center</p>

<p>Church or temple senior groups</p>

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<p>Does she have a computer? Just as some of us “live” on CC, there is probably a group that she would enjoy. (We even have on-line book clubs here on CC.) My friend’s mom got a computer when she was about 80 and pretty soon she was consumed with bird watching chat rooms.</p>

<p>Does she bake? Could you ask her help for things like the youth choir bake sale? Depending on her financial situation, you could help buy ingredients or not (and take her shopping for them.)</p>

<p>Also, there’s Netflix. About 3 years ago, my sister bought my parents a Netflix membership. They didn’t use it and cancelled the membership. Recently they’ve re-joined and love it - they are watching obscure documentaries, old musicals, etc.</p>

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<p>Would she be able to stir up any interest in volunteer work? My mom volunteers at different places several times a week and it’s fairly common for her to give rides to people who want to volunteer but can’t drive. There are volunteer positions for any interest you can think of.</p>

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<p>I don’t think there’s anything wrong with dragging her to the senior center - she might like it and no harm done if she doesn’t. There are a surprising number of 85 year old women who take water aerobics at our local Y. Given how long they spend chatting in the locker room I think they are more interested in the conversation than the exercise! I’ve also met a lot of older women in our local art center. My mother has always been involved in volunteer activities - she works at the local library with the volunteers that sell used books and has also been involved in more junior league-y type organizations. My Mom LOVES Netflix. Before she got her laptop she used to have a DVD player just for Netflix.</p>

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<p>My husband works out at a fitness center that is connected to our local hospital. He works out during the day and at 51, he’s usually the youngest one there. He’s become friends with the old folks who work out there; lots of cardiac rehab patients. Many of the older members will “work out” (walking the treadmill in street clothes) for 20-30 minutes, then spend the next two hours sitting around at tables chatting with friends over coffee.</p>

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<p>"but she needs to “get a life” What prompts you to state this? I ask because that determines how to answer the question. </p>

<p>It is painful to watch someone grieve and we want to help them past that, back to a place of purpose and happiness. Been there, done that. In fact I went immedately into “getting a life” for my grandmother when my grandfather died. I made some mistakes and accidently did some things right also. But she needed support and time and nothing I plundered into really fixed anything for her or got her to whatever place of peace she eventually found. In fact I prob caused her aggrevation and was not as understanding as I could have/should have been. But being ignorant of her situation, I just … oh well. </p>

<p>I now find myself in the unfortunate place of having lost my husband. I get it now and I shudder at my efforts with her. My words with others who have been widowed. Its a dark and painful place. No one can fix it, help you out of it, make it any better really. For me the best way to help me is simply to be there, support me. Offer occassional lunches or visits but understand that I am not up to social graces. Call me and do most of the talking, or let me talk or cry, etc. Talk about my loved one, it awful, no one talks about your lost loved one. Buy her a magazine or movie that you think she might like. Take her for a drive. Its the little things really, but little constant things. Not just the grand gestures that flutter around in the days after the death/funeral. Its the friend that calls every week just to check in. The work friend that offers week after week to take me to lunch and doesnt grow weary when I say no or sit like a lump at the meal. Its the daughter that texts every morning with a hug to start my day. My mother that sits by me when I have to tackle those awful chores that follow death. The chatty cards that just keep coming. </p>

<p>Sorry for the tangent, its a subject too near me and wrought with emotion. You have a good heart and you want to help your friend. So if you want to help her - Just stand by her and let her lean on you. She cant “get a life” right now. She has a life, its just not a pleasant one. You asked, and I (who still doesnt have my social graces back) answered…</p>

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<p>to add to sistersunnies post…I have (had) a friend who “got a life” wayyyyy too quickly after her husband passed; didn’t even take time to grieve…really took a toll on everyone else who was still in the “grieving stage”…</p>

<p>everyone has a different path for recovery…it’s not “one size fits all”…it’s almost easier for the person to figure it out for themselves…with all of the support recommended above by all…</p>

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<p>And watch what you say. Two months after my dad died a neighbor asked my mom if she was “over it yet”. My mother has never forgotten that and doesn’t speak to the neighbor.</p>

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<p>sistersunnie, thank you for your excellent post. No one can really know what a grieving spouse needs, or is capable of, or “should” do. If the widowed person is ready, a peer support group can be an enormous help - but the bereaved person needs to be ready for it. My mom lost my dad when she wasn’t even 50 years old. A well-intentioned friend pushed her into going to a widows support group, where she sat next to a poor man who had just lost his wife of 65 years. He held my mom’s hand and sobbed for the entire 90 minutes - she was overwhelmed and didn’t return for another year. But when she did, she found a great support network, because it was what she was ready for, and needed, at that time.

I don’t know about the “dragging” part. The difficulty I’ve noticed is that seniors who don’t really want to be here are resistant to seeing what it has to offer, and some permanently check it off the list of things they want to do even once their emotional state changes. Also, daughters/daughters-in-law dragging their elders anywhere doesn’t usually go so well. :wink: But if the senior is willing to give it a try, it’s a great idea. At our center, adult children are always welcome to accompany their parents, and many do stay for exercise classes, lunch, bunco, cards, etc. I’d suggest doing this the first few times a senior visits a center.</p>

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<p>I had a friend at work who was widowed. We had lunch together frequently before, and we continued to have lunch together after. I’d let her take the lead on the conversation. Sometimes we’d talk about her husband, the cause of death, how the kids were coping…other times we’d talk about everything BUT that. Totally her call.</p>

<p>I never get the “not speaking of the dead” mentality. Do people think that if you don’t speak of the deceased, the family member will *forget *or something? I guess I’m the opposite. I love it when I can think of a witty remark that a deceased friend made that is apropos to the situation, or a funny story involving someone who has passed on. I think it’s such a tribute to bring up the names of those who have passed on.</p>

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<p>To give them the benefit of the doubt, I think that the people who ask if folks are “over” a death have probably never lost someone close to them, and thus they don’t know that you never really “get over it.” My husband’s grandmother lived to be 94 and on occasion, she would still speak wistfully of her baby who died 70+ years earlier. No, the loss wasn’t paralysing and she lived a full life - but I don’t think she would have ever said she was “over it.”</p>

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<p>Missypie: excellently put, and brought a small tear to my eye. My son died 23 years ago (he was 2 days old) and I have likewise found that time has made it less hard, but no less painful. (I think the idea of “never speak of the dead” is two fold: don’t say anything bad about a dead person, and don’t mention them because they might haunt you. After my father died, my mother was convinced he was haunting her, and that using his name was what brought him back.)</p>

<p>Sistersunnie: also, beautifully written, and thank you for opening yourself to us so that others might benefit.</p>

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<p>Sometimes we forget, that our 85 year old mothers and grandmothers are quite capable of making decisions for themselves and many of us tend to “infantalize” them. The unfortunate part is that if we keep doing it for a long enough period, they eventually become the infant. The best thing we can do is support them, offer lunch out, a shopping excurson, phone calls, just a presence in their life that they know you are around.</p>

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<p>That is so stressful! I can’t imagine losing a spouse, let alone at that age, after a lifetime of being a spouse to that person only.</p>

<p>In my older mother’s case, interacting with us, and calls every day were not enough. Turns out she slowly slipped into a depression and was very alone and lonely and we never had a clue for a very long time. She didn’t even have a clue either! But her days were filled with not much- she slept a lot- as we went about our busy lives and assumed she was just fine. What she needed was the support to make the transition to a new filled life, which is hard for anyone at any age to do alone. </p>

<p>So we temporarily assisted by connecting her with things out in the world: she only needed help with the transition. We did two things: </p>

<p>One, we discussed and researched pet ownership together, and she ultimately bought a dog. She LOVES her dog, and LOVES caring for her, and she builds her day around her dog walks (and meets so many people this way too). </p>

<p>Two, we went together to the local senior center and look around with her, show her the bus route, introduce her to the staff, look at the offerings. And while every older adult is different, I think giving her opportunities to connect the dots was needed in her case. She would not have thought of this option nor taken the initiative if we had not done this (especially once she got depressed). </p>

<p>In her case, once she realized how easy it was to get to the senior center, and she discovered regular activities there that she liked, she locked into a routine, made friends and was up and running. Now she has stuff going on everyday, she has different people (besides us!) that she’s connected to, and she’s extremely independent. I can’t even tell you what she has going on each day but she’s busy again and seems very happy.</p>

<p>BTW, I would do this with anyone I care about, its not related to age. In fact a good friend going through a divorce, is really getting down and getting more and more into her own head, withdrawing from activities…and as a friend I’m on her case to do things, getting her to make some goals that get her out of the house, checking on her, encouraging her to see someone professional, and so on.</p>