<p>We’re planning Mom’s funeral, and already, my BIL, who keeps a tight leash on my sister, is making demands. He has all day class on Saturdays, so he didn’t want the funeral on Saturday. He’s studying to be a deacon, so he wants to be really involved in the religious planning, to the point of wanting to come with us to meet with the priest. My husband is very supportive, but stays out of these things. Other BIL is up in Virginia and is peeved first BIL won’t miss class for the funeral. We’ve compromised with having a midday funeral, so he only has to miss half a day. SIL is not allowing brother to come to town until day before funeral, so sisters, as usual, are on their own planning. Of course, brother is being emailed everything and I’m asking for help via email with obit, photos, anything that can be done long distance.</p>
<p>Problem is, how do I get BIL to back off in a nice way? I don’t want other inlaws to be offended by his involvement, and I really don’t want his involvement. But my sister is so dependent on him. I want her to be with me to meet the priest because she had the best relationship with my mother and can give him better insight to prepare for her service, as he did not know Mom. Also, I might want to do some other things with my sister that I don’t want him or need him involved in, and he may rush us through things that we’d want to take time with.</p>
<p>He’s someone who is easily offended, so I’ve always got to tiptoe around him. I don’t know if this is more of her wanting him to be with her, or him wanting to be involved. Could be a combination of both. Ah, this is why I like doing everything myself. But I need help!</p>
<p>When close relatives die, it’s completely expected to cancel other daily and typical life obligations such as work, business travel, or school to attend the funeral and related observances. Someone is always going to be inconvenienced. Your BIL shows remarkable insensitivity if he expects his mother in law’s funeral to be planned around his class schedule. I’m not sure there is a "nice’ way to get a message through to such a person. If he’s studying to be a deacon, he’d better learn more sensitivity. </p>
<p>I don’t know if there is any way you can really stop him without standing up to him. Don’t let him “rush us through things that we’d want to take time with.” Stand your ground. These events often bring out the worst in people and long-simmering family conflicts, and it’s exhausting in bereavement to have to fight a battle you wish you could avoid, but if your BIL is as odd as you say, then you may have no choice but to risk upsetting him; that, or risk living in resentment for a long, long time because you let him take control.</p>
<p>Sorry for your loss. I would tell him that you would like to spend some time alone with your sister during this difficult time. Hopefully he will understand .</p>
<p>He’d actually forbidden my sister to talk to me for years. I was only able to communicate with her again when my brother died suddenly. It would kill me to lose her again. She means the world to me, as do all my siblings. My sister said he was not permitted to be involved with planning his mother’s funeral, so he may want to be more involved in Mom’s. I think this is her assumption, and may not be the way he feels. I may be preliving a crisis. We actually kept my mother living in a far away city because he threatened to divorce my sister if we brought my mother back to our hometown, and I did not take his threat lightly. So, I’m not being anxious about this for no reason. I am hoping that he will back out and tell her he has a lot of studying to do. If he wants to meet the priest, fine, no problem, but I’d rather him not take over the meeting. He is actually the one who insisted I get a priest from my parish to do the funeral, and I’m thrilled that he and my sister got the cantor and accompaniment to provide the music. But yes, there will be resentment from the other inlaws if we let him take control.</p>
<p>So sorry! It is so hard to coordinate plans and feelings especially at a time like this.
One: Brother (if needed) comes to town prior funeral despite SIL objections. It’s his mother and if family needs support at this time he should give it and SIL should be supportive.
Two: BIL does need to back off. He needed to miss his classes but that’s already been settled. He needs to be told upfront (but kindly) that the funeral is NOT about him. It is NOT a “learning experience”–save that for a stranger’s funeral. And your sister needs to do the talking. If she can’t do the talking maybe the priest you are meeting with can tell him to take the back seat.
Overall, you’ve said he MAY do a number of things to be involved. So you are worst-case scenario-ing the situation?</p>
<p>I am so sorry for your loss.
Could you tell your BIL that the other ILs would be offended if he was so involved so you need to keep the peace and you are sure he will understand (wink wink).</p>
<p>Also, you could always alert the priest ahead of time so if BIL does come the priest will know how to go around him. Clergy are fantastic about that kind of thing.</p>
<p>Sorry for your loss, and for all the stress the extended family is giving you. My first thought reading your post was the same as others have mentioned…get the priest on board ahead of time. Let the priest be the “bad guy”, if he’s willing. For example, the priest may only be available for meetings when your BIL can’t make it, or be only available to do the service at a time that suits <em>you</em>. <wink> </wink></p>
<p>At the least, see if you can meet with the priest privately before your BIL shows up on the scene (BIL should not be told about this), so you can ask the priest to keep agreeing that what you want is the best plan (unless he really thinks it isn’t). Or the priest may be willing to put forth your ideas as his own…less likely your BIL will argue with the priest.</p>
<p>It sounds like your siblings have married very controlling spouses. I am sad to say it might be a blessing in disguise if your BIL did divorce your sister.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for your loss - I lost my mother three years ago, and it still hurts.</p>
<p>I agree with talking with the priest in advance. He may be able to put BIL in his place gently and politely, knowing when to agree with BIL (either because BIL is right or because it doesn’t matter & the priest is throwing BIL a bone to placate him), and when to “guide” him around to what is appropriate. The “know it all studying to be a deacon” is likely a personality with which the priest is familiar. (I wouldn’t suggest to the priest that he simply agree with you; this should be a discussion with the priest, even on your end.)</p>
<p>Knowing the personalities involved is helpful to the priest even when there’s no drama. It is more important in this case, and this is the priest’s job and expertise. Let him do what he’s been trained to do.</p>
<p>First, I am so sorry for your loss. When you mix family dynamics with a profound loss, things can get messy really fast. Your sister has chosen to live inside a very dysfunctional marriage. This is not YOUR choice and frankly you should not have to live with the craziness their relationship seems to be. What you and sister do seem to have in common is a love for your mother. Would you feel comfortable talking to to your BIL alone? If you do, make it a about you. This way you take the target off your sister’s back. Tell him that you want to meet with your priest and your sister. Say there are times that sisters just need their sister and you are seeking comfort from your priest that you would feel more at peace about grieving for your mother if you could do that hand and hand with your sister. You don’t have to come straight out and say that you don’t want him with the priest, hopefully he will get the message. If that fails, take the advise of the others and meet with the priest solo, before the group meet. Don’t be afraid to explain the weirdness of the sister’s marriage and how your BIL pushiness makes you feel uncomfortable and you are relying on the priest to make your wishes a priority and not allow BIL to steam roll the funeral.</p>
<p>For a man that is studying to be Deacon he certainly does not seem to live a very godly life.</p>
<p>Oh, I don’t mean to make him out to be an ogre. He’s had a rough life, and did not have the benefit of a loving family that we had. His sons, my nephews, are having a rough time, and he really needs to be there for them.</p>
<p>Thank you for the comforting thoughts of having the priest as an ally. I don’t want to prejudice him against my BIL, but I will use the “sister time” excuse of just the two of us doing the meeting and other matters. Hopefully, he will diplomatically back off. And as I said, it could be more her than him. She had a very special relationship with Mom, and we all knew it was going to be rough for her. Perhaps she’s projecting her distress onto him.</p>
<p>I’ve been playing mediator between her and my other sister over the past two weeks while Mom’s condition worsened, so I’ll do my best to keep my Peacemaker Hat on.</p>
<p>Montegut, it’s a shame you need to take on the mediator role. It would be so much easier if you could just grieve in your own way without all these complications.</p>
<p>I certainly agree with asking the priest for a little help with BIL in advance of meeting with him. It won’t be the first time the priest has been asked to run interference with a family member who tends to take over in situations. He will be able to demonstrate that skill with grace to a deacon who will need to learn how to do it himself!</p>
<p>Would it be possible to assign BIL a task to be accomplished during the meeting with the priest, something along the lines of asking him to sit in the study or library and pick an apt reading, or to make some of the many calls that need to be made? Maybe asking him to write about a memory to be included in the eulogy, or to help his sons do the same? Could he maybe be assigned a “deacon” duty (sorry; as I am Jewish I don’t know quite what a deacon does, as compared to a priest) during the meeting–and maybe during the service–to stroke his need for acknowledgment?</p>
<p>Update on meeting. BIL dropped sister off at meeting, came in, but priest was not there yet, and he didn’t want to wait, so left.</p>
<p>Sister and I had a wonderful day together. Signed documents at Funeral Home, had lunch, then did a water exercise class together. Our Mom used to teach water exercises in the 70s.</p>
<p>He didn’t even want to look at the readings, and just suggested we pick one and be done with it. What, my family do something that simple?</p>
<p>Anyway, a good day. Thanks for all your support.</p>
<p>The water exercise class … what a wonderful tribute to your mom, and great time for the two of you to share something that was hers.</p>
<p>You might still want to have a word with the priest, just in case BIL decides to put on his Super Deacon hat at the funeral. Don’t worry about prejudicing the priest; on the contrary, he’ll appreciate knowing about this so that he can be on the lookout for trouble and head it off. Priests deal with family drama every day of the week. They’re really good at it, and they’re diplomatic.</p>
<p>Montegut- I am so happy for the day you were able to share with your sister. You were due for a break. Here’s hoping that the rest of the week goes as well.</p>
<p>I’m sorry for your loss. I am very happy that you had a lovely day with your sister. Sometimes, even in the saddest moments of life, there is beauty. I’m glad you were able to experience a bit of that beauty.</p>
<p>Montegut - I’m late to the thread. First of all, I’m sorry for your loss. From prior threads I know you put a lot of time and emotional energy into your Mom while she was alive.</p>
<p>You asked what can be done to get the BIL to back off a bit. I suspect you already know that the answer is “Nothing.” I’d suggest what you’re already doing … find a setting and schedule that works for the rest of the family, and let the Priest manage the BIL. (Full Disclosure: To make sure BIL doesn’t “leak over” into your space, you many have to “encourage” him to be assertive when meeting with the Priest. This tactic is a dual-edged sword obviously.)</p>