I have a person in my friend group who always brings up something about my personality. It’s not a big thing but she is always commenting about me shopping too much. Now I probably might shop more than average, but I find her constant comments annoying and a bit hurtful.
When she sees me, her first comment is, so have you been shopping. She’s recently got divorced and has a new friend and introduced me as her friend who’s always shopping. In front on my husband!
I mean I don’t want to be known as the person who shops, really should that be what I’m remembered as? I’m also fun and nice and lots of other things.
I thought I’ve conveyed that I’m not happy by my response in which I demurred and said that I don’t really shop that much.
So how do I nicely tell her that I find this frankly a bit offensive and super annoying? I don’t want to alienate her but also want it to stop.
Can you ask her what else she knows about you? Not what she should know, but what she actually sees and processes about you.
Have her make a list of 5 positive things she knows about you. If she can’t or won’t list 5 positive things, then you have got some work to do to get her to see other sides of you.
If she can make the list, then pick the couple you like the most and tell her you have decided to focus on those things for awhile and can she help you out by bringing them up in discussions?
Have you tried talking to her directly? If a new acquaintance introduced their friend to me like that I’d have to wonder what comments they’d make about me if I stuck around to get to know them better.
I’d tell her directly that you prefer to be introduced with just your name. If she’s a real friend, she’ll stop doing it. If she says it’s just a joke then she has some sort of issue she’s being passive aggressive about. Either way, I wouldn’t shop with her or share details of any purchases you make.
What would happen if you did the opposite of what she expects? That is, instead of conveying your displeasure about her shopping comments, you react as if you love it and embrace the comments?
“This is my friend who is always shopping!”
“I wish! I do love to shop. I also love to try new restaurants! Nice to meet you Karen! Hey, have you been to the new steakhouse down the street? I want to go there for drinks soon and check out their menu”
I have to navigate similar situations at work. Other managers will make little cutting comments about me, and I feel I need to laugh it off in order to keep the harmony. Believe me, it’s not my natural first reaction (I’m a bit…argumentative). I’d prefer they just knock it off, but I sense getting huffy about it would only feed the monster.
Some people really “disapprove” of things others do. It’s really none of their business. But, I’m not sure confronting them will change their judgmental attitude!
I’ve learned to nip it in the bud as soon as possible. It’s not too late. Get her one on one - either bring it up or the next time she says something to you about shopping when it is just the two of you. Try to say it as unemotional as possible.
State it as a fact.
“Jane, you keep making comments to me and others about my shopping. They sound like digs to me and I find them hurtful. I value your friendship but I wish you’d please stop making comments like that.”
If she’s a good friend, she will apologize and stop. She may get a little defensive but that is on her if she does. We are all allowed to speak up for ourselves. Personally, I prefer being a little outspoken than being walked over by someone who seems to have some kind of agenda, grudge, or jealousy. Life is too short to deal with people that irritate us.
Re: introducing you to a new friend as “her friend who’s always shopping” if it happens again, say “Well, I’m much, much more than that. So nice to meet you!”.
This woman is jealous of you, and in my opinion, is a frenemy. She knew what she was doing when she made that comment in front of your husband.
Confrontation is so hard for me, and I get a feeling it’s tough for you, too. Believe it or not, she sounds like my MIL…loves to dig at you when she can, but it sounds oh, so innocent.
I found the best way to shut her up is to embrace the comment like @Midwest67 suggested. She’ll think it doesn’t bother you, so she’ll stop. (But don’t be surprised if she finds something else.
When she asks you if you’ve been shopping, id get excited and say, “yes I have! I just love fashion and even better to find great deals”. I would then continue to talk about what you’ve purchased, especially if you are wearing a recent one. I’d make it so she won’t want to talk about shopping again. Don’t ask HER about shopping, because that will give her an edge to turn up her nose.
Just tell her it bothers you. I have a cousin who likes to joke about another cousin’s Hair. She finally told him she doesn’t appreciate the remarks. Seriously, she does not. And that was it.
My one kid didn’t want to be called by his nick name. He told me, and I don’t use it anymore. Might accidentally, but I make the effort. I certainly do not want to be bothering people so if I’m doing something annoying around them, if I can stop, I will.
Her behavior is provocative. She’s baiting you. This is not innocent, like @cptofthehouse using her son’s nickname. I don’t think direct communication, as suggested, would work with your friend because her goal is to provoke you to react emotionally and create drama. Unlike @cptofthehouse, your friend, I bet, would say, “Oh, c’mon! I’m just teasing you! Can’t you take a joke?” You have to do the opposite. React unemotionally and disengage. Don’t feed the machine. Say something like, “That’s just silly” or “Interesting way of looking at things” or “It doesn’t/shouldn’t concern you” or “That’s really none of your business.”
I also the “oh that’s just silly” suggestion offered by @brantly. But it would have to be done with a laugh, not annoyance or that you take her seriously. Perhaps, touch her hand and say, “you’re so funny”.
Anything you do with her has to be as if you are not taking her seriously.
@conmama Exactly. I like “you’re so funny” too. Maybe also, to the person she’s introducing you to – with a dismissive wave of the hand – “She always likes to point out that I go shopping.”
Then she’s not a friend and the comment in front of OP’s husband was intentional. I wouldn’t continue to socialize with someone who was actively trying to cause trouble in my marriage.
I know y’all don’t “know” me but I’ve been following along and I have a possible different take on the situation.
I had something happen several years ago in my work group. I don’t remember all the specific details but I remember how I felt. We had a relatively new team member and she’d been assigned to some tedious, annoying, complex project. She got kidded a bit about how she was becoming an expert in it. One day I said something jokingly to her about it (I’m sure I might have said something along those lines before, and I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who had). So I thought I was just making small talk, but she sort of blew up. I was mortified and couldn’t apologize enough for the clumsy way I was trying to be “work friendly”. If she had just said “Haha, I’m getting little tired of people bringing up project-x”, I think the situation would have been diffused and she still would have gotten her message across. Anyway, now I’m a lot more aware of what I’m bringing up when I talk to people.
So… you know your “friend” better than we do, but is it possible she’s just bad at making small talk and picking up on social cues? And even if that’s not the case, could you give her the benefit of the doubt and say something “hey, you keep bringing up my shopping. What’s up with that? Feels kind of weird.” So either that will knock some awareness into her and make a difference, or it won’t, and you can decide how close friends you want to be.
If shes is part of a larger group of friends maybe you can enlist the help of a better friend to call her out on it next time it happens in her presence.
" I don’t think direct communication, as suggested, would work with your friend because her goal is to provoke you to react emotionally and create drama."
It’s possible but if she doesn’t change her behavior than you would then know she doesn’t deserve your friendship.
If something is bothering me, I prefer a direct conversation - no toying around, no mincing of words. I prefer the same when someone tells me the same. Do it before you blow up like in the example above. To me, a “you’re so funny” is tiptoeing around the issue instead of addressing it directly but calmly that leaves no room for a miscommunication or mis understanding of the point you wish to make.
Personally, I wouldn’t engage others to do this for me either. That can lead to gossip and making a bigger issue out of it than needed. Just my 2 cents…
Thanks for all of the responses. I think there’s a variety of things going on. I do think it’s passive aggressive.
For whatever reasons, I am very different than many in my friend group here. We lived in a very different place before in a bigger city where people (for a lack of a better description) were better educated and lived a more upscale life than most of the people I know where I live now. It’s not bad or good, it was very very different.
This friend did not go to college as far as I know and I suspect was very lower middle class in her first marriage. She then married a professional person with quite a bit of money. I am positive I am the only person who noticed the 5 figure oriental carpets they bought. And the only one who knew the names of the other expensive items in their very large home.
He divorced her and I do think she feels a bit intimidated by me even though she got a very nice settlement.
That’s a long explanation about why I think she might be making these digs. No one else in our friend group does. I’m also friendly with her ex as are the others in our friend group. No one feels that we have to take sides and now she has a boyfriend so what does it matter but I know it’s awkward for her.
I have been avoiding being alone with her as I think she’s being passive aggressive to me. I am driving her and another friend to an event this week.
I was thinking if she brought up the shopping thing. I would say something flippant like, well I hope that’s not what they put on my gravestone. That Deb is a great shopper. I hope it’s about my great golfing (or some such other attribute).
But thanks. Even without confronting her, I feel better just talking about it. And my husband handled things great, he made light of what she said.
MMM @deb922 it sounds like you might be on to something. She maybe is “ranking” people based on material things and you are higher in her mind, so she feels a need to chip you down. Or yes, she just feels like you or more worldly, and it makes her feel defensive. I like your comment. It indirectly points out your dislike of her comments, without being personal, and has a bit of humor. Good luck!
“I have been avoiding being alone with her as I think she’s being passive aggressive to me. I am driving her and another friend to an event this week.”
Even more reason to confront it in my opinion. But, admittedly, I have no problem coming across as a little confrontational if I feel I am being wronged or dissed. Even if a direct discussion doesn’t alter her behavior, you’ve put her on notice that you are “onto her” and aware of her shenanigans.
In my 50s, I refuse to play middle school games and that is why I chose to deal directly with behavior I find problematic. As long as you do it calmly, no harm done IMO. No point in having to continue to worry about every time you’ll need to engage with her in your friend group and what she might say.