<p>Learning2balance - It’s tough and it stays tough!!!</p>
<p>My suggestion: I have had great success Instant Messaging with my telephone-challenged son. (Have your kid set you up before he goes.) It is just really nice – I see him on line and I can just say a quick “Hi, How’s your day.” It reassures me that he’s still alive! He doesn’t feel pressured to carry on some big conversation. It’s very very nice and it makes me happy.</p>
<p>Boy this is a sweet thread! Dr Drewsmom & shutterbug both made me tear up.</p>
<p>My little lesson to share ~ some of us process the loss bit by bit over months (me) and others process the loss in one big WHAM! in September (husband). It is very unpredictable how you will feel; both ways are normal. </p>
<p>From about March on, I DREADED September-- but in fact when the time came that we returned home without her, I was surprisingly happy because SHE was so happy.</p>
<p>I was beginning to feel like a heartless freak until I ran into a friend who was also quite buoyant about how much fun her D was having in college… that’s when I realized I had been processing my D’s departure from the sumer before, when I was bugging her to do her essays, whereas my H was in denial the whole time and hit a WALL in Sept.</p>
<p>The hardest thing for me was seeing her two little brothers sobbing as they hugged her goodbye. They have missed her (especially the little one who is only 8) but the two of them have grown closer too, a silver lining.</p>
<p>Another thing I have done since he’s been gone is to read his school’s student newspaper online at least once a week. His picture was actually in the paper last week. Somehow, in some weird way, it makes me feel a little more connected to his world. </p>
<p>When he manages to remember to call I often mention things I’ve read about that are going on at his school. It gives us something to talk other than “How are your classes,the weather and your laundry”.</p>
<p>I agree on the Instant Messeging</p>
<p>(We do it from across the room, that is how i found out my d had a boyfriend, she told me via IM, she could ignore my questions then)</p>
<p>This generation loves the email, the texting, the stuff we may find impersonal, but to them is just fine</p>
<p>In fact, one of my Ds friends was dumped via text messeging (okay that was not cool) but that is what they are used to </p>
<p>A quick email is great, you can send picture of the dogs, etc</p>
<p>When I saw the title of this thread, I didn’t want to read it, because I’m burying the emotions I know will come flooding out when my d leaves (but which I hope to keep under some semblance of control on the actual departure day so as not to cause any angst in her!).
I have no idea how to let go well, but my instincts tell me to make sure that I tell her how much I love her, and that I will always be there for her…and pray she stays safe, and uses her head when she needs to!</p>
<p>citygirlsmom:
That’s funny - across the room. I bug my second son on IM and he’s only upstairs. It seems better than yelling up the stairs! My only other IM buddy - my niece. She is quite gabby on IM (as you might expect, chattier than the boys). But it is the way young people are comfortable keeping touch.</p>
<p>yes, but as I said…not all young people. </p>
<p>My 2 younger sons IM their friends or email. Oldest son could not give less of a hoot about the computer.</p>
<p>Aw, shutterbug, your son sounds wonderful! What a nice thing to do. </p>
<p>L2B-- Good luck with the Cal decision Thursday. My S is a freshman there and he’s had a great year so far. Better than we’d ever thought possible. It is hard letting them go, but you will make it through and it does get easier, I found, the closer it gets. The strangest sensation I had though was during the six-hour drive home from dropping him off. I happened to look at the back seat and it was just so empty.</p>
<p>Oh, and you need to prepare your 13-year-old D for the massive amounts of attention she’s going to get from you in his absence! My 15-year-old D didn’t quite know what hit her once August rolled around and she was the only child left. :)</p>
<p>My theory with D#1 was that God makes 18 year olds so obnoxious, you’re ready throw them forcefully from the nest if they don’t fly on their own. We were ready for her to go and the relationship has improved dramatically in the past 1 1/2 years with her home on breaks and summer. I’m not so ready with D#2 - she was named after a dear friend who died a week before her birth and sometimes I think she is the friend reincarnated. The CD idea is a good one, I’ll have to ask her her to make one for me. Still have D#3 at home to ease the transition. Hubby and I took D#3 out to dinner, sat in a booth with H and I on one side, her on the other. She asked, “Why does this feel like an inquisition?” Our answer, get used to it sweetheart - just you and us for the next 4 years!</p>
<p>“My theory with D#1 was that God makes 18 year olds so obnoxious, you’re ready throw them forcefully from the nest if they don’t fly on their own.”</p>
<p>OhMother, that is so true. We call it “soiling the nest.”</p>
<p>Momof2inca:</p>
<p>I’m not looking forward to that ride home. I know I’ll put on a happy face in front of Adam, but as soon as we drive away…
How great that your son loves Cal. I would love for mine to go there he would fit in perfectly, but it is his reach school so we’ll see.</p>
<p>Although I posted earlier about the music CD my son gave me before he left, which was a wonderful gesture from my son, I must admit he is not the best about calling or emailing. I asked him to call once a week to let us know he was alive and breathing- sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t. As a mom, that is frustrating. He is very involved and happily engaged in academia and school life, but often forgets we are wanting to hear about how things are going. I suspect most girls are better about communicating with their moms- but just be aware that if your child is very independent and busy at school, they sometimes get caught up in their life and “forget to call”. On one hand, I am glad- on the other hand, as I have often told him, its not very thoughtful to go more than a week without checking in with the family. Ahh, the guilt trips we send them on! (But it worked.)</p>
<p>Ah… How this thread strikes a cord! My youngest is going in the fall and chances are it will be NYU, where I grew up (the village) But we live in L.A and those 3 thousand miles are going around and around in this Italian Mamma’s head like a flock of vultures. This IS going to be really hard, isn’t it? I hope my husband doesn’t wind up wanting to commit me somewhere… if he does, I hope it’s Bellview because it’s only a few stops on the subway from NYU. Oh, the little bit of truth that lies in every joke!</p>
<p>We all talk about how much we sacrifice for our kids. To me, the birth, breastfeeding, no sleep, taxi cabbing etc, is nothing compared to this my ultimate sacrifice…letting go. Someone told me once that even though they are our kids ,we don’t get to keep them…they are really just out on loan. Truthfully…I WANTED TO SLAP THEM!!! 
Ha! Ha!</p>
<p>Mammamia, I feel the same. I got all misty reading your post.</p>
<p>Welcome! What I found that helped was joining in D’s excitement last year, planning the room decor, shopping together, etc. And seeing where she was staying and helping get it set up made me feel like I was a part of the whole new journey. I can picture her in her room, and see how much she loves it, and that makes me love it, too. D is an only and she went across country, but I still feel close to her. We e-mail and that cell phone is terrific! And you do adjust to your new life. It can be exciting, too!</p>
<p>You’ll feel better about things when your son tells you he’s happy at his school. Plus there are those visits from him, and to his college, which will be fun. The developing maturity will be very satisfying for you to see.</p>
<p>What I didn’t expect when my first left for college was that her brother would feel so sad. He didn’t mention it until the day before we said goodbye to her, and I realized how totally focused on my own feelings I had been. It was an adjustment for him too – and he managed to fill the empty space with friends and instant messaging.</p>
<p>I’m doing ok, I reckon. Don’t miss shopping trips for vegan food, doing so many extra loads of laundry, nagging him to gas up the van, or listening to his exhortations to turn the heat/AC up/down (“Think of the Rain Forest!” is the stock response, followed by “Wear a sweater!” or “Wear shorts!”). Day to day, the dogs miss him more than I do - one of them goes into his room every night, just to check if maybe he’s returned while she wasn’t looking.</p>
<p>I did have a hard time, initially, facing the fact that I’d have to ration my Mother-of-the-Artist Rewards - which used to include helping with the plays and choral events, chaperoning at barbershop conventions, and, above all, attending virtually every concert and play, an enjoyable habit that started seven years ago. Only I’m not missing too many, because somehow I keep finding myself on an airplane flying across the Atlantic! I decided that I’m simply unwilling to forego this pleasure, and so far that has entailed a weekend side trip prior to attending a conference in London, and the most recent trip (and the upcoming one) have been courtesy of frequent flyer miles. The college has decent guest rooms for visitors @ $25 a night, a nice perk. Other members of the family seem to feel the same - my mother (83), his father, and his paternal grandmother (82) are going to NYC to see his a cappella group perform at Lincoln Center next month, and other relatives are going to the Edinburgh Fringe this summer. </p>
<p>In a few years, I’ll have all the necessary material for a few web-based guidebooks, such as “The Visiting Parent’s Handbook of Central Oxford: Face the Starbucks, first star to the right, and straight on to the Playhouse,” “The Unfit Middle-Ager’s Guide to the Royal Mile,” and after next spring’s planned a cappella group tour of the Mid-Atlantic, “Air Mattresses and Pizza: How to Survive Among Thirteen Exhausted Singers.”</p>
<p>If your student is receptive, by all means visit. It’s a treat to immerse yourself in the energy of a college town, it’s a window on the world they now inhabit, and there isn’t any canon of universal law that prohibits the mountain from going to Mohammed.</p>
<p>nice post yulsie!! :)</p>
<p>Yulsie:</p>
<p>You make it seem so “do-able” Your post relaxed me so much. I am actually feeling much better now that I know where he is going. He did not get into Berkeley. I was sad and happy at the same time. One of his top schools was Calpoly SLO, when we visited it I felt like it was the best fit for him. He loved it too. The three schools he didn’t get into UCLA, UCSB and CAL seemed too big. I don’t know , I guess the mother in me just felt like he’d get lost freshman year. So he got into 3 out of 6 (SDSU, San Jose, Calpoly ) and decided that Calpoly was best. I think he’ll have a great time there. He plans on transferring for graduate school. It’s funny how I’m kind of getting used to the idea…at least right now :)</p>
<p>Cal Poly San Luis Obispo is the best of the CSU schools, and deservedly so. It offers a smaller, almost LAC environment, a great college town and an excellent education… all for an amazing price. Congratulations, L2B! (We’ll be looking at Cal Poly for our D in two years!).</p>