One of my coursemates is now a good acquaintance and I just really like her and think we could eventually become good friends. I want her to become one of my friends. Me, her best friend (who visited for one weekend from another part of the country) and her already went on a three day trip to a beach town last weekend, and it was her who invited me. Other than that, we have never done things together outside of class. She’s in the same program so we have a class together now and also next semester.
The thing that makes it more difficult for me is that I’m kind of painfully shy and scared she actually doesn’t like me (although it doesn’t seem like or she plays being nice really good), or doesn’t want any more friends and I’m just annoying her or something. This is awkward but I’m just not good at going from the acquaintance level to the friends level. It’s like I need a step by step guide on how to make good acquaintances to real friends you can do stuff with regularly…How do you do it? Thank you:)
There is no magic. You spend time with the person. If you want to spend time with her you are going to have to invite her to do things. It doesn’t have to be anything outrageous, a walk, a cup of coffee, a tv show on Netflix, a campus movie, a lecture, whatever you enjoy. Your friendship will either develop and become closer or it won’t over time.
She invited you last time, didn’t she? I would take that as encouragement! As @bopper said, go slowly (don’t invite her to a bunch of things in rapid fire) but she might be waiting for YOU to show some interest. Something casual or kind of spontaneous might be best. What does she like to do?
@inthegarden, I think the visiting best friend invited the OP along, and thus her continued concern that she may not exactly be a desired friend by the coursemate.
@NewVancouverite: Remember that you are going to need to cultivate ways of “leaning in” to people, and having something to bring to the table such that others can also see who you are - what makes you interesting or quirky or dynamic or keen eyed and direct. Have confidence that what you do bring has value, and, yes, invite your coursemate to join you in an activity.
If all does not go as you hope, and if you do not find that you and she become great friends, you will have challenged yourself to do something a little scary. Do something like that every once in a while - it helps us to grow.
This is an excellent point. Just think, she might be on a message board somewhere right now, saying, “I have this new friend, I even invited her on a trip with me, but she’s never asked me to do anything with her! What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t she like me?”
@Waiting2exhale, no it was her luckily. (I didn’t even know her high school best friend before). That’s why I guess I’m the one who has to ask next. I feel weird for even ask this here because i know it shouldn’t be a big deal but I really am that awkward when it comes to making new friends lol
If you really want something, you will push yourself to get it. Ask yourself how much you want closer friends. If it is really important to you, then you are going to have to push yourself out of your comfort zone to make it happen. Once in a while in life something happens out of shear luck and being in the right place at the right time, but most of the time action is involved. Really, what do you have to lose for trying.
If you need to run into town to go to the drugstore, ask if she wants to come along. Maybe you can get a coffee, go to a movie, visit a museum on campus, go to an event on campus… you just need to hang together.
One good idea for anyone, shy or not, is to get involved with an activity that requires everyone to show up and do something together on a regular basis. A job or a volunteer gig. (Hint: the reason athletes end up being friends with their teammates is because they log in time together.)
^^ Along those lines, could you start a study group with her ( maybe invite a couple more from your class) and voila! After studying, go out for coffee or something…
She invited you to something, now you should take a deep breath and get up the courage to ask her. It can be as simple as “do you want to grab a cup of coffee after class?” or “do you want to meet for dinner one night?” or something like that. If you don’t take this step, she may think you don’t like her.
Hey! You are not the only one going through this. This is something I have been through myself as well. I am also really shy and sometimes have the anxiety that constantly makes you ask yourself “what if they don’t really like me?” It can be hard, but just remember it is just in your head and more often than not, it is not a reflection of reality at all. Most people that you meet are genuinely kind people and want to get to know you. It sounds like the girl you mentioned is the same way. If it helps, try to imagine the positive rather than the negative. Imagine the happiness that would appear on her face when you ask her to do something with you or doing something you enjoy together.
As for the venue you can talk to her about the classes you are taking together, common interests you have, or something that maybe requires less talking but something you can both equally enjoy? Friendships build over time but it starts in small single interactions - and you are already on the right track! If you haven’t already you can get her number or add her on social media to talk outside of class or find some things you might both enjoy.
One thing that I learned the hard way: I was in a similar situation and I just wanted to become better friends with a class-friend. I we hung out a few times just after class. Then one weekend I asked if she wanted to go into town with me to get some food, explore shops, etc. Apparently I was giving off the feeling that I wanted to pursue something more than friendship, probably because plans usually didn’t involved other people. So you may want to consider inviting her so something where it won’t just be the two of you, just like she did with the beach trip. Goodluck M8, keep us posted on how it works out. Please
Thank you all for your replies! We just founding we have two classes together next semester so that’s awesome
@ericeo luckily coming off as wanting something more than friendship very likely won’t be a problem for me because I’m not male and she’s a girl too lol
So great! Having the classes together will make it easier to gravitate toward doing things casually. Maybe you can pull in another one or two from those classes too if it works out naturally…
“@ericeo luckily coming off as wanting something more than friendship very likely won’t be a problem for me because I’m not male and she’s a girl too lol”
I hadn’t deconstructed the ‘eric’ in @ericeo, so did not assume they were differently gendered. These things are not, of course, limited to the the tensions across gender lines.
Just ask to study with them. Then while you study, occasionally talk about things outside of school. This will eventually lead to one of you asking to hang out without doing schoolwork. At least this is how I’ve made friends with people from my classes.
