How to make this essay better?

Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

Conewago Packaging. Responsible for making display models for major businesses to put in big box stores like Walmart and Target. It is also the place that six different people in my family have worked. Most of these people run the machines that make the display models. My father worked in the office, first as a scheduler, and, more recently, as a sales rep to get other businesses to use Conewago. Three generations of my family have worked here, and no one would have been surprised if I joined them. No one would have been disappointed, or upset, or shocked in anyway. But from a young age, I knew I would be disappointed, upset, and shocked if I had to join them. I always dreamed of something more. And my dream is so close to being realized. But this dream could have easily been a nightmare.

Some people have all the resources in the world. Some children can go to school and receive top notch education. Some children don’t ever have to worry about divorce. Some children don’t ever have to worry about if their mom will keep her job after being injured at work several times. Some children don’t have to worry about death during the school year. However, some children have to worry about some of these things. And some children have to worry about all of it. And an even smaller amount have to worry about all these things while being in highschool, trying to achieve more than what is expected of them. And one of these people is me.

I don’t mean to use all of these problems as excuses. I mean to use them as motivation. Many people crumble under these circumstances. I am determined to not be one of them. I work harder than anyone else, because I know what happens if I don’t. I am stuck here, in my small town of Biglerville, working at a factory. In my life I don’t want to be a factory worker. I want to be a surgeon, or a corporate lawyer, or the head of a big business. And I know that to achieve this goal, I need to put everything I have into this dream. College is a sign of hope for many students. It is a time to be optimistic. I am not full of hope. I am not optimistic. I am sure. I am realistic. I know that I will become great at whatever I choose to do. And it is because I know how to work hard. I know what it is to struggle. I have had people in my life that have shown me how to overcome adversity, how to work hard, and how to be great against all odds. It is because of those people that I have been successful. It is because of those people that I will continue to be successful.

Success is measured in many ways. For me, being successful is not just reaching the top of the mountain. Being successful to me is getting to the top, looking back, and pulling others up to the mountain. My family does not have the economic means to allow me to look at every college I want and say the price tag doesn’t matter. I have several cousins that are small children. I don’t want them to ever worry about how to pay for college. I want to be the person at the top of the mountain. I want to be the person who they can look to to pull them up. When they get tired, when they get scared, when they get frustrated, I want to be the role model that they can look toward. I am not just fighting and working hard for myself. I am fighting and working hard for my sister, and my cousins, and future generations in my family. I want to show them that you can make it, no matter the circumstances.

Actually, many people say they want success. I need success. I need all of the things I mentioned in the previous articles. And maybe I won’t get accepted to every college I apply. And maybe I will struggle being away from home to start. And maybe I will fail my first test, or find it hard to build strong relationships, or be overwhelmed from all the opportunities I will now have.

But there is no chance that I will fail because of these problems. I want this too badly.

I would not put your essay out in the open if I were you.

It is a solid essay, but nothing incredible. It depends on how good of a school you are trying to get in to

What is wrong with putting the essay in public?

Ya, you should PM the essay to those interested instead. But for advice…
Sentence structure is too choppy and repetitive. While successive short sentences can be highly effective in some instances, they don’t work for an entire essay.
Your essay’s theme and the essay itself are more generic than you might think. This problem can easily be corrected by writing more about your life throughouht the essay instead of just in the first paragraph. As it stands now, your essay is essentially a series of philosophical and hypothetical statements.

Don’t post essays, rather ask via PM if anyone wants to read/critique. Plagiarism, etc. You need to be careful these days since colleges may use turnitin.com to check to see if you used your original work. Say, for example, that someone on this thread really really liked your essay and they took if for themselves (unscrupulous, I know) and submitted it before you did. Now there are two of the same essays out there. You get the gist.

Example: Earlier this year on CC a student looking for feedback posted a letter of appeal to UCSB that contained portions of an appeal letter previously posted by someone else on CC two years earlier (also to UCSB). People are nuts.

Don’t write so much about other people–e.g., your family and “some people” or “many people” that you go on about. Write more about you.

Be more specific. Most of the essay is abstraction. To point out just a few sentences that do this: “I am sure. I am realistic. . . . I want to be the person at the top of the mountain. . . . I want to show them that you can make it, no matter the circumstances.” This kind of stuff is boring and leaves no impression on the reader’s mind. Fill your paragraphs with details instead.

Here’s the kind of thing I tell my creative writing students: Don’t tell me that Dave is evil. Show me Dave kicking a cat and I will know that he is evil.

I would try to remove your essay if you can (like others have said) because some people could try to plagarize it. For future reference, make a thread about your essay and have people PM you to get their opinions. Just a tip!

You include a lot of information about members of your family. I would change it to make the essay more about you. College admissions can’t find out what you’re like by your essay if they keep reading about family members and vague nouns (people, children, etc.).

The second paragraph is very repetitive. I understand that you’re probably trying to use repetition in this paragraph to make a point, but I don’t think I would. Try to find synonyms for ‘some’ because college admissions might get bored reading the same words over and over again. I also find this paragraph to be vague. Personally, I would get straight to the point, and then explain everything that you had to deal with. Writing ‘some’ too much can created boredom, which I mentioned in my previous point. The same holds true for the sentences in the 3rd paragraph. I think that you have too many 'I am" sentence beginnings throughout the paragraph. Again, I know what you are trying to do, but I don’t know how effective this looks. I would try to change the sentence structure and word choice for some of the sentences in your paragraphs.

Make your paragraphs and sentences more specific. I noticed that you keep writing about ‘those people’, ‘my family’, etc. Your essay can’t be personal if you don’t write about specifics. In my honest opinion, you’re close to being specific, but you haven’t targeted it yet. I think that by making your essay more specific, your essay will be a lot stronger and unique. You included a lot of information about the members of your family. Because of this, I think that your essay is 50% about your family and 50% about you. Aim for 90-100% about you and ~10% about your family (and the impact your family has had on your life thus far). The overall theme is kind of broad, and I’m sure college admissions has seen essays similar to this theme (impact a family has had on the applicant). If you make it more unique and “you”, then I think it could definitely work. It really depends on the colleges that you are applying to. If you want to get into selective colleges, it’s extremely important to stand out! I would try writing another draft of your essay (that is filled with more about you than your family and generic people, if that makes sense), and see where it takes you. Your essay and/or topic needs work, but I definitely think that it has a lot of potential. Good luck!!

Best essay advice, is “show, don’t tell”. I think that’s what @WasatchWriter is saying.

Make this essay more about you, not about your family and “other” or “some” people. You need to show specifics and be more detailed in your descriptions. This is what makes interesting writing. Your essay, IMHO (not to be harsh and mean, though), it generic and boring. Adcoms have probably seen this type of essay hundreds of times. You need to dig deeper to make yourself really stand out among the crowd.