<p>It shocked me the other day, when at the gym, two women were asking me for advice on their love life & they appeared to be considering seriously whatever came out of my mouth!
Whatever wisdom I have aquired has been hard won,and from my standpoint-after when it could have made the most difference</p>
<p>For example-even though my oldest is now well into adulthood & has graduated from college ( she is 24) the fact that we all have ADD so we aren’t very detail oriented & that I feel like I still need to guide her, is driving me crazy.</p>
<p>I am particulary concerned about what may be a little thing- but I think it makes a big difference, at least towards getting a job etc.
Her appearance. She is petite and cute, but dresses like she is in high school. ( jeans that don’t fit- sweaters with pills- shoes that should be thrown away)
Living with two roomates who don’t have to dressup for work isn’t helping either I am afraid.
She seems to have the attitude that only trivial people are concerned about appearance.Combine that with looking younger & less accomplished than her age, and her distractibility, I don’t imagine she comes off that well in interviews and I am concerned about her ability to find a job to pay her bills.
Is it really out of line for me to nudge her slightly in the direction of a more professional appearance?
I was only thinking of maybe a nice outfit for christmas & maybe a book on how to buy and take care of her clothes ( since apparently her mother didn’t teach her anything!)-</p>
<p>I really would like to book her an appt at a salon and have them teach her how to shape her eyebrows and give her a decent haircut- but I think that might be crossing over the line.</p>
<p>I imagine there are more boys than girls who are careless about how they look & I also imagine it has a lot to do with ADD- geeky types seem much less interested in appearance- but I bet I am not the only one who is frustrated with this.
am I?</p>
<p>well her degree is in bio- and she is interested in getting a job in tech writing- so I don’t imagine that her day to day appearance will be that big of a deal- I was just concerned about interviews.
I have found that dressing well for the interview, not only gives me confidence, but makes me appear more skilled than if I had worn what I would end up wearing to work.
Heaven knows i am not a fashion plate- but I just want her to stand up straight! ;)</p>
<p>I’d advise you to pick your battles. Save your pleading for occasions where it will kill you if she doesn’t dress to the nines. Otherwise, let it go.</p>
<p>My parents nitpicked me about my clothes. Once, they actually burst into applause when I arrived in the kitchen wearing lipstick. </p>
<p>Now that I am an old bag, I need lipstick so that I don’t frighten small children but at the time, I was a fresh faced 20-something. I didn’t need lipstick or fancy clothes. My fashion sense never hurt my career–permanently. ;)</p>
<p>Sure, a set of interview clothes (bought with her in tow, so you know she likes them) and a book about “how to interview effectively” sounds like a great gift!!!</p>
<p>it’s time to let go!!!
You sound like my mother used to sound - and it was wasted effort.</p>
<p>I know you mean well, we all do as parents, but there comes a time to let them live their own lives, even if it means they fall on their face a few times…it’s called life experience.</p>
<p>I just read a great book on mother/daughter relationships. Can’t remember for the life of me what it’s called though. Basically the advise the author would give you is to zip your lips when it comes to “helping” with your daughter’s appearance. I know it’s hard to do though!</p>
<p>Maybe a gift card at a store you think she’d like where she can find professional clothes? I don’t know if I’d add the book - and for sure I wouldn’t buy the outfit myself, or go shopping with one of my ds for what could be an emotionally trying experience! </p>
<p>I agree with dstark that she’ll probably learn the importance of dressing professionally on her own after a few interviews. Is there a family friend or a relative she’s close to who might make a casual suggestion about dressing for interviews? My kids would rather hear certain things from ANYONE but me.</p>
<p>I was thinking along the same lines as frazzled-- is there someone other than mom that she could shop with? Does she know anyone her own age with some fashion savvy that would like to take her shopping for an interview outfit? Some girls love to <em>help</em> with that sort of thing. My daughter had a couple of friends for a while that loved to advise her and help her pick out clothes that looked good on her. She was sort of a project of theirs for awhile, I think. At one time, years ago, I worked with some young women who were into that sort of thing, and I was better dressed then than I ever have been before or since. Not necessarily fancy clothes, but things that looked good on me.</p>
<p>Someone that your daughter will listen to needs to take her in hand and tell her that there are certain occasions in life that require special clothing and appearances. She probably already knows this at a certain level for things like weddings and funerals, but she may not understand that applying for a job is also one of these occasions. And this is especially true for any sort of office job or a job where she would interface with the public. Once she understands that concept, it should be easier to get her into a department store where you can help her pick out a suitable interviewing outfit.</p>
<p>Basically the advise the author would give you is to zip your lips when it comes to “helping” with your daughter’s appearance. I know it’s hard to do though!</p>
<p>I think part of the difference is that she lives in Portland- which compared to Seattle seems * full of hippies*-
so much more casual in other words ( and Seattle is pretty casual)</p>
<p>She doesn’t really want to take the time to go shopping I don’t think- & many of her friends, at least the ones who had some style sense, aren’t living in Portland anymore-however- I am going to get her a gift certificate to a hair salon a block from her house-it received good reviews and while it is probably more expensive than where she usually goes, at least it is conveinent & looks low key.
I also think I will find a low key book on interviewing.
It might have some tips that not only she can use, but her sister would be able to use when she is interviewing for her summer internship.</p>
<p>She accepts whatever clothing I buy her, although shopping is exhausting for both of us, so I was going to just get some things online- but with a retail outlet nearby so she can take them back if they don’t fit.
She just isn’t so interested in clothes& I have to accept that I guess. Its just that when I see her, she is wearing stuff I bought for her years ago- which I guess is good- since it hasn’t fallen apart and she apparently likes it</p>
<p>She always has accepted whatever I bought for her- which is a little odd I know- I had a great time going overboard when she was younger- ( which was perhaps for the best- since her sister has had strong opinions since she was a baby about what she wore& hasn’t worn what I would consider an “outfit” that I picked out since she learned to walk)</p>
<p>I know it is also hard to know what looks good on you-( I admit that when I learned so many of her friends were gay males, that at least one of them would be as fashion aware as the stereotype- but no)- and I don’t really want to change her taste in clothes, just get her some things that fit a little better and are a little nicer ( always keeping in mind her laundry habits- everything in the same load) </p>
<p>( I am also wondering why I worry- she could be like her sister- who borrows my stuff all the time- not usually letting me know first- so that when I go looking for it- I don’t know if I just misplaced it or what!)</p>
<p>My d is much the same. There did come a time she mentioned an interview to me and I said in the most casual of ways “Well, I would love to buy your interview suit when you are ready to get one. Just let me know.” Well, she did and I did. I guess I just wanted her to think that it was a given she would be buying a suit, that of course everyone wears a suit to an interview. Anyway this is what she still calls the outfit (jacket and pants).</p>
<p>EK4 - My gal is somewhat similar to yours and I kinda have done the same - my gal is very much into that relaxed and very casual type of atire - loves the old/well worn stuff - shops rarely - boy does she clean up nice tho - like maybe once a year LOL - but takes a big effort for her to do that. She is a wash and run kinda gal - very little make-up - and has that attitude that you see what you get. </p>
<p>I gave her a gift certificate to her favorite place to get her hair cut - and a ‘‘mom’’ gift card - home-made LOL - for that first interview outfit - to be used at her own discretion - gave the control to her and it is out of my hands til she needs that outfit - made us both happy and took the pressure off.</p>
<p>As an adult who is well over 50 and still dresses like your daughter (jeans, sweats, & ratty sneakers) – I did appreciate parental help in buying conservative business attire…especially since I was a lawyer. My stepmom once set me a very conservative, charcoal-gray business suit in my size (4!!! <– ancient history) – and I certainly got my wear from it. There was no nagging or suggesting – just a nice gift of something that I could not possibly find fault with – the business suit and a basic black dress are two items of a woman’s wardrobe that eventually will be needed and recognized for their value, even if only brought out for job interviews and funerals. </p>
<p>Other than that, I would say back off. Now that I am no longer a lawyer, I have a job that can be done 90% of the time from home in my pajamas, if I choose, which is fine with me. My son’s first real job was one of those things where a lot of college students are hired and the grunge look is acceptable; when they promoted him up the ranks, he somehow figured out on his own how to get a haircut and where to find a jacket and tie on the few occasions it was needed. Keep in mind that the ADD-type person needs an ADD-type job, and those are usually in fields that place a high value on creativity. Is there a dress code to work as at Google? I don’t think so… [see <a href=“http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/12/30/60minutes/main664063.shtml[/url]”>http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/12/30/60minutes/main664063.shtml</a> ]</p>
<p>I’m approx. the age of the D in question. I wouldn’t mind my parents giving me one or two comments on my professional appearance, as long as they did it nicely and as long as they didn’t try to tell me how to dress when hanging out with friends. It’s the kind of thing where I think, “I’ve been an adult for 7 years, they’ve been adults for about 40 years…” and I’m willing to accept that they might know more about it. That said, if I vehemently disagree, then I’ll still do my own thing.</p>
<p>The relationship at this point is that they serve as advisors (not my sole advisors, but they’re in the mix), and I choose whether or not to take their advice. SOmetimes they have to bite their tongue about things, and I know they are biting it, and will sometimes even acknowledge it. (“Mom, I know you want me to do x, but I’m not going to.”) Mostly it seems to work out.</p>
<p>“She seems to have the attitude that only trivial people are concerned about appearance.”</p>
<p>You can point out that people in certain industries are concerned about appearance, but as long as she doesn’t intend to work in any of those places then her look is her own concern. My H spent the first few years of our marriage buying me delicate girly type jewelry and preppy clothes that were not my style. It made me outrageously angry because it implied that he was either trying to change me or didn’t know me very well. Peoples’ clothing styles are a very personal thing. I would be upset if my mother told me to color my hair or wear lipstick even though both would undoubtedly improve my appearance.</p>
<p>1) Offer to pay for a haircut at a salon she likes. I can’t remember the name of the place my D goes to in Portland, but she got a great haircut for $25. I’ll ask her when I get a chance and PM you.
2) Offer to buy clothes for job interviews. Explain that the idiots who do the screening interviews actually think clothes matter. Emphasize that they are screeners who will also look at stupid things like fingernails. Once she gets the job it matters less. (I will note, though, that tech writers talk to people all over the company and thus may need to be somewhat more formal in dress than the scientists and engineers.)
3) Ignore the eyebrows. Really.</p>
<p>Does your D know anyone who hires people? It might help to hear some of this from someone other than you.</p>
<p>Thank you dmd77. That was the book I was referring to. It’s a little “dry” but I got some good tips on walking through the minefield of mother/daughter relationships that actually seem to be working.</p>
<p>ya know- I appreciate the suggestions & I think I will use several of them- particulary the offering to buy the interview suit- I am sure that will be appreciated- ( I even still have my first interview suit that I think would fit her- its gorgeous- but we have different coloring* although I really doubt I will ever be a 4 again-*- besides she needs at least one suit, even if she ends up working in a lab somewhere)</p>
<p>But I think for me- this stuff is really about something else.
I should read * Letting Go* again I suppose.
I just have a lot of stuff coming out- with her finishing college- but actually making less money than she did at her summer jobs & us having higher loans than I feel comfortable with ( but H- signed for them & he has no money sense)
So I worry- and the last part I think I can exert some influence on I guess is her clothing
Although obviously that is limited-I am having fun shopping online though-
I havent been able to get her to say what she wanted for xmas- her house is fairly small ( it is a house build in about the 1920s that has been split into a duplex- she and two roommates live on the 2nd floor & the attic- she has forbidden me to give her any cookbooks or kitchen supplies- they don’t have any room for more furniture- but clothes seem to work )
but at least it is in a cute nice neighborhood- I read about where her friends are living in NYC & I bite my fingernails</p>
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