How to rewrite this 9 SAT essay into a 12 essay?

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hi, </p>

<p>I wrote a practice SAT essay which I was told was a 9/12. I was hoping that if someone could show me specific modifications I could make, I could better understand the criteria of a 12 paper vs a 8/9 paper.</p>

<p>My main problems lie in the intro and analysis, both of which seem brief are uninsightful. If anyone could show me how to rewrite the intro or how I could have elaborated on the analysis, I would greatly appreciate the help.</p>

<p>Thank you</p>

<hr>

<p>Prompt: “Do you believe that people need to keep secrets, or is secrecy harmful?”</p>

<p>Keeping secrets can have deleterious effects. Reverend Dimmesdale from A Scarlet Letter, President Nixon, and Lakers General Manager Mitch Kupchak have all suffered as a result of keeping secrets.</p>

<p>In Nathaniel Hawthorne’s A Scarlet Letter, Reverend Dimmesdale attempts to veil his affair with Hester Prynne, and consequently he suffers from a great deal of stress. For example, he his appearance grows haggard, his body thins, and he often whips himself in frustration. Had he confessed his secret, the townspeople may have disapproved his actions, but he would still be free of the constant guilt beleaguering his soul.</p>

<p>President Nixon also suffered from an attempt to veil the infamous Watergate Scandal. When speculation surfaced that his campaign committee sabotaged the opposing Democratic party, Nixon denied the rumors. However, when evidence of the scheme was found, Nixon’s image was destroyed, and he was forced to resign.</p>

<p>Lakers General Manager Mitch Kupchak has also faced setbacks for trying to conceal a trade from Lakers player Lamar Odom. When ESPN reported the Lakers were discussing a trade sending Odom to New Orleans, Kupchak, like Nixon, denied the rumors. However, once the reports were confirmed, Odom was devastated and lost all faith in the organization. Because of the severed relation, Kupchak was forced to trade Odom, losing one of the team’s integral players. </p>

<p>While concealing the truth may seem to avoid problems, doing so can cause guilt or a loss of trustworthiness. Therefore, honestly is always the best policy.</p>

2

<p>Not bad of an essay overall, but you can definitely make improvements.</p>

<p>You should try to start off with a stronger hook that engages the reader from the start rather than the vague universal statement you used. You also need to have a stronger thesis statement. Your “list” thesis statement in your intro will do the minimum job, but its pretty elementary. You don’t need to always use the intro to introduce the body paragraphs. Instead, come up with a more profound/thought provoking statement that directly gives you opinion in regards to the prompt.</p>

<p>Your first two examples are strong, but the third one might not be known to most people. You should try to stick with literary/historical/academic examples because they are often the strongest. </p>

<p>I like your conclusion. Its concise and directly answers the prompt.</p>

3

<p>Whether people are trying to avoid offending others or marring their own images, secrecy has provided mankind with an answer to their problems. However, even though secrecy may provide an easy solution, mendacity can have both internal and external repercussions. </p>

<p>How is that?</p>

4

<p>^ Good, but you can’t come up with that kind of thesis in a 25 minute time frame on the actual SAT :P</p>

5

<p>How would you rewrite the intro, if you don’t mind me asking?</p>