You’ll get different opinions on this. Mine is that if giving more to the one doesn’t mean taking away from another (and of course if you can afford it) then send everyone to their best fit. I don’t think you can justify giving money for the dream to one if it means another has to go to their second or third etc best option though.
Yes, if you can afford to give all their dream schools, and they are willing to contribute through work, loans, scholarships to make up the difference between what you are budgeting for each, try to do that.
I like the way you have build the base (pre marriage savings to each child, post marriage contributions divided equally), plus whatever they can get from their own families (ex husband or step daughter’s family) goes as those contributors wish.
Good luck.
I agree with both posters on if you can afford to give all of their dream schools then do that without worrying about who you are spending more on. Otherwise I would use the same formula you have agreed on. The only wrinkle is the asset your H has liquidated recently. Of course it is your choice, but I would divide it among 4 kids because they have been siblings since they were 8.
I seem to be an outlier in that I don’t think you need to give equal amounts to each. Instead, you need to find the best fit that is affordable for the four. Fair and equal are not always the same. The tricky part of this is being transparent so there is buy in on what is fair. If there is a big difference in cost, you could try to even out a bit by also covering some extras for the students at the lower cost schools. With 4 kids, lots of things could happen. One kid may decide to come home and attend community college. One may end up going to law school. One may graduate with an engineering degree and make a great salary upon graduation. If one of the kids is miffed that you are paying more for another kid, you can reassure them that you would step in to help them as needed in the future.
Back when I was young, my parents paid for both me and my brother to attend college. I have no idea what the exact costs were. All I know is that I went to school where I wanted to go and so did he. Most likely, my brother’s costs were higher because he ended up attending a 5th year due to a change in major and some difficult times. I have absolutely no issue (and never did) with my parent paying extra so my brother could graduate without debt. I did not expect that they would write me a check equivalent to what they paid for his 5th year.
When it comes to my kids, I feel no obligation to pay the same amount for second to attend college as we are paying for the first. If she gets a better deal, great. If she doesn’t, we’re prepared to pay a similar amount. If we come into big money and my second wants to attend a school where she doesn’t get merit aid, we’ll do it if we can.
@ultimom - I would encourage you re-read those posts. We are not saying to give the same amount when the OP could afford to pay for each child’s dream school, which is what your parents did. In the case of having limited funds, it is hard to say to one kid that he/she could go to a $75k school while other kids had to go to in-state.
OH this is complicated.
but in reading through this, without knowing any of you, I’d be prone to let the dad’s daughter go to school out of state where her mom’s family lives. Her mom died; she was uprooted and moved; she wants to reconnect. I see that need as legit, big and formative.
from our life; I have realized that our large-ish family of 6 is often treated (monetarily) the same as our siblings’ families of 1, 1 & 3. Meaning - we pay the difference for our kids when all go out to eat and our parents treat. We receive smaller gifts at holidays, we pay for that extra hotel room, we bring extra food.
There’s no right or wrong to this method. I could see the triplets being treated the same; but the step daughter having different parameters.
The OP has a good plan.
I’m hoping that the step daughter applied to a variety of colleges back in her home state, possibly some where merit aid or need based aid could help with the net costs for the family.
Ditto the private school wanting kids. There are private schools that will be affordable given the budget, and others that might not be.
I think it’s wonderful this family planned and discussed the finances with their students before applications were sent.
Having four kids in college at the same time is very costly in many cases. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for net costs that meet this family criteria!
According to your agreement, your husband’s assets belong to his daughter. Not part of it, or a greater percentage of it, all of it.
The fact that 2 of your daughters want expensive private schools isn’t her problem. Your daughters have a 2nd living parent who can help pay for school (take a 2nd job, borrow, etc.) Your stepdaughter doesn’t. It’s not fair for you to take her money to pay for your daughter’s dream schools.
You know…fair is not always equal.
If any one of these kids is happy to pursue a less costly option, that is terrific. What if one wanted to go to trade school, for example…or got a full ride to college?
The parents agree on their plan which is what is important. They have conveyed their budget threshold to these students. That is terrific because so many families don’t.
“According to your agreement, your husband’s assets belong to his daughter. Not part of it, or a greater percentage of it, all of it.”
And potentially might be felt to “belong” to her in the sense that if those assets aren’t used for college, they could be available to her for getting started in life afterwards.
Let’s say both parents were killed in a plane crash tomorrow. How would your assets be divided between the four kids?
It’s easy to say “fair is not always equal” when it’s just your bio kids, but that can still lead to resentment if not handled very carefully (especially when twins or triplets are involved). It’s an even more sensitive matter for a blended family. If you have an agreement then I would be very reluctant to change it at the last minute.
Based on whether those assets were pre-marriage assets or post-marriage assets, wouldn’t the default be to follow the previously agreed formula? I.e. if the assets were pre-marriage assets of one spouse, they can be reserved for that spouse’s kid(s), but if the assets were post-marriage assets, they would be shared equally among all kids?
If you can financially support all four of their dreams, then it may make sense to rearrange the money allocation to do so. But if you cannot support one kid’s dream without blocking others from their dreams, it may be best to follow the previously agreed formula and let the kids try for the scholarships/FA needed for their dreams.
(Possible complication: do any of them want to go to professional school after college, and were any parental promises made about money for that?)
If the latter two are only B or B+ students in high school, you may want to consider that they may need more semesters of school (at extra cost, and possibly without FA or scholarships that run out after 8 semesters), in addition to fewer scholarships, when planning college budgeting.
Man, what a dilemma! I missed this but are the children currently juniors or seniors?
On the issue of equal vs. nonequal, i wouldn’t worry about it…go for the best fit. I have one friend with triplets and all 3 boys are now college juniors. 2 are at the state university and 1 at a pricey private but the 3rd kid is simply a better student…i don’t believe his brothers mind at all…they’re happy to be at a football powerhouse school and don’t have any issue with it.
@oldfort My point was more that it doesn’t need to be equal to be fair. The puzzle pieces could be made to fit in such a way that all the kids get a decent deal. Fair does not mean that one child gets their dream school and the others need to settle. It is good that the OP has a ballpark figure in mind to give the students so they have an idea of what is a affordable for the family.
It is not possible to know when choosing a college which kid will take an extra year, which will end up making a big salary and which may decide to drop out of college. I don’t think anyone is saying it all has to be completely equal, but a big difference in spending is hard to justify. I would say the money ex is willing to contribute to the triplets should be matched from your DH’s assets for the stepdaughter, but would split remainder of the recently sold assets.
It is all about choice. It seems the money from the ex is what changed the situation. Otherwise, you seem to have figured it out.
Until you have the offers in hand, it is hard to know how to choose. It is also hard, however, to not end up with budget creep if one kids gets into their dream school and it is a little more costly.
What changed the situation is liquidation of assets that belong to the current husband.
OP, when did your husband acquire the assets he just sold? While he was with his daughter’s mother? After her death but before your marriage? After your marriage?
How much is in each child’s college fund and how much did the sale of the assets bring? If the proceeds are split unevenly to “close the gap,” who benefits? Your kids or his? If the proceeds are split evenly, how much will be in each kid’s college fund?
What strikes me is that your stepdaughter had a mother who I’m sure would have been thrilled to contribute to her daughter’s college education. If this money came from assets that were bought while she was still living or before you married her widower then the money should go to her daughter even if it means your children can’t attend their dream private schools.
@austinmshauri he actually decided to sell the house he lived in with his ex wife to free up more money. With this, my stepdaughter could realistically attend any school she wished with little/no debt (assuming all the money would go to her and none to my kids). The thing is, she most likely will get generous merit scholarships and has received some awards (in the form of money) from volunteer organizations/competitions. My kids don’t have access to these types of funds. So I was thinking about getting my husband to give them a cut of the house sale to level out the playing field (since his daughter will get money from other sources). I totally understand equal not being fair, if one of the kids decide to attend a cheaper close to home college, then we can put some money aside for them to start their life afterwards etc. I just want to make sure my kids are getting the best education possible.
As for now, what we are doing is having them apply/making sure they applied keeping the initial budget we gave them in mind and any extra money we can give them is a bonus. A couple of you have mentioned its hard without offers in hand…I have to agree!
Technically, he sold the house he lived in with his late wife, not his ex-wife, correct?
I think that’s a meaningful difference. If it were an ex-wife, there would have been multiple discussions with lawyers present to equitably divide the assets, figure out a financial game plan going forward, figure out how to account for the minor child’s needs including college, figure out how to divide retirement assets.
With a late wife- this likely didn’t happen. They bought a house, they invested or spent or saved, with the intention of making decisions about how to support the D together. Surely your kids understand the difference between a divorce settlement and an inheritance? In my mind, the D’s share of the house is in fact, her inheritance (although she was too young to inherit when her mom died). Giving your kids a cut of the house sale feels very off to me.
I have neighbors with a large blended family- one divorced parent, one widowed parent. The children of the widow really got a raw deal in life- parent died young, family struggled financially for a while, except that the surviving parent refused to touch the life insurance policy which had been intended by the deceased parent to pay for college if something ever happened (which it did). So they lived modestly even after the remarriage- but they went to their first choice, pricey colleges which was apparently their dad’s wish (and he had provided for same).
The kids of divorce didn’t have as many lean years growing up- but their college choices were much more constricted.
They’ve all thrived more or less by playing the hand that’s been dealt to them. Your kids sound great and I’m sure they’re going to respect the financial limitations you present to them when decision time comes. But if it were me I’d push pause on asking your husband to distribute his late wife’s estate to your kids.
I agree with @blossom. An inheritance is very different than a divorce settlement. If your step daughter has merit opportunities, that means she worked very hard in HS to EARN them. Her inheritance from the house sale should be hers alone, to be used for college if she needs it, or for something else.
That does make it more complicated. What your DH thinks about the house money? Does he think it all goes to his dd? Do you kids spend time with their dad and the stepdaughter does not? Do they get perks/gifts from their dad which the stepdaughter does not? Or does your DH do special things with his dd when yours are with their dad? Do your parents treat all of the kids the same?
I can see saying all of that should go to the stepdaughter (amending my previous comment), especially if her mom’s money helped buy that house. But I could also see how the family could be at the point, 10 year later, where there is not that kind of accounting and the kids really do feel like they are truly a family. However, given the triplet’s dad is in the picture and the stepdaughters mom is dead, circumstance differ.
Not easy to figure this out. Hope each kid finds an affordable, great choice.
The agreement between you and your spouse was that the assets that belonged to him and his late (not ex) wife would go to their daughter. This asset wasn’t “technically” his. It belonged to him and your stepdaughter’s mother. That means that the proceeds belong to her.
If she decides not to use her inheritance for college it should be available to invest, travel, buy a home, etc. She shouldn’t be asked to use the inheritance her mother left her to fund your daughters’ dream schools.
If your children didn’t get merit awards it’s because they didn’t earn them. It’s not your stepdaughter’s job to “level the playing field” for them. That’s up to you and your ex.