I agree with Blossom and Austinmshauri. Overall, I think these situations can present complex, hard-to-determine situations, but what you’ve described in this case now actually seems clear cut. You all agreed that assets prior to your blended marriage would go to the respective children. The house proceeds belong to the daughter. I think even suggesting otherwise could lead to tremendous bitterness and unhappiness in the family, because it really seems wrong.
Of course as parents we can all relate to your desire to get the best education for your children. But don’t use “whatever means possible” if that means trying to horn in on your stepdaughter’s rightful inheritance. I think you jeopardize the health/happiness of your family. Your triplets will be fine (thrive, I’m sure) at an affordable school. They also have the future benefit of any additional support their biological dad will give them over the years and potentially an inheritance from him down the road. They are certainly old enough to understand that the house proceeds go to the stepdaughter given your agreement, so they should not have any ill-will. And I agree; she earned her merit money and should benefit from that.
Good luck; it does seem hard!!
Wow. This really took a weird turn.
I agree with others that even asking about taking some of your stepD’s inheritance (proceeds from sale of home) to share with your children for their college is not only unwise but outrageously immoral.
To attempt to justify it because your StepD has better stats and gets merit aid and has won scholarships from her activities so she doesn’t “need” the money … that is just not a sane argument. She has EARNED those grades and those scholarships from her own work. She shouldn’t have to give up her inheritance from her late mother. And to give it to step-siblings who did not earn merit awards? Preposterous.
You still have a delicate balance to forge here between all of the children. But definitely stop considering the proceeds from the late mother’s home as part of a solution for your kids.
I hope your ex steps up to contribute well and that you can set some expectations for your children that are reasonable … and have NOTHING to do with what their step-sister’s situation is.
Seems like this clearly falls into the category of pre-marital assets of your husband, so, based on the previously agreed-to terms you describe in reply #18, any money from that goes to your stepdaughter’s college fund.
What has been happening with the house since your marriage? Is it a rental that you have been contributing to the costs of? Have you been helping pay the mortgage on this house? Was the house deeded in your name?
I tend to agree with the recent posters. The funds from the house sale should be held for your husband’s biological daughter to use for school or otherwise.
Wait. The house is most likely NOT the inheritance of the CHILD who was under 8 at the time. Most married people hold a house as joint tenants with right of survivorship. The kids don’t get the house if one parent dies or if there is a divorce. If there was no will, state law will apply but rarely would the children get a property titled to the parents, or get a big part of the property.
The OP didn’t say everything each of them had when they married 10 years ago they kept separate, just that the amount they’d saved for college up to that point went to the children of that parent. Since then, they have been saving for college at the same rate for all 4 kids.
If the husband had held on to the second house, the OP’s triplets would have been penalized in the FAFSA/CSS filing (second house owned by stepfather) so how would it be immoral for them to want to benefit from the sale? Wouldn’t it have been ‘immoral’ for the stepfather to retain assets that hurt the triplets, an asset that they had no claim to?
If the stepchild has assets of her own, SSI payments from her mother, gifts from maternal family, sure, those are hers. A house? No, not hers.
I’m not suggesting that the house is the kid’s inheritance in the legal sense. But IMHO there is a substantial difference between an 8 year old whose parents get divorced (where there is a process of determining who gets what, who educates kid, who pays child support, who worries about the kids financial future) vs. a death where the kid is left motherless at a young age.
We don’t get to ask the late mom what her intentions were. But if the OP puts on her empathy glasses, I’m willing to bet she’d realize that the mom surely intended that whatever equity existed in the home would at some point benefit the D- whether she was living in the house when it was sold or not.
Blended families are complicated. But the family home (which the father left in order to form a new family with the OP and her kids) doesn’t seem terribly complicated to me. It was purchased with the late wife. It hardly seems like a joint asset with the second wife to be used for the benefit of the entire family, unless second wife had wanted to live in it, with her kids. Which for whatever reason, she did not want to do.
If the OP has to ask her husband for a cut of the profits from the sale of the house he shared with his daughter’s mother it sounds like he thinks the money is for his daughter’s college expenses. If he thought it was a shared asset she wouldn’t have to “get” him to give her kids 75% of the profits.
It doesn’t matter that anything the dad has will be counted against OP’s children on the CSS. Anything owned by the OP and her ex will count against the stepdaughter. That’s the way it works.
And I don’t think it matters whether the stepdaughter’s mom left the house directly to her daughter or not. Her intent surely wasn’t to give 75% of the value to someone else’s children. But ownership of the house matters. If OP owns a share of the house or helped pay the mortgage then some of the profits fall into the assets acquired after marriage part of their agreement. OP hasn’t been clear about that or by what she means by the house was “technically” his.
It sounds like the stepdaughter needs the money to attend an OOS college where her mom and dad’s families still live. OP’s reasoning is that her stepdaughter is eligible for lots of merit so the money should be split so her kids have an amount similar to what her stepdaughter earned. But large merit doesn’t usually come from OOS schools. So when she talks about financially supporting one dream over another it sounds like she’s talking about using the money from her husband’s asset to pay for her daughters’ dream (private) schools at the expense of her stepdaughter’s dream of attending an OOS college. If that’s the case I think she needs to be really clear about whose asset the house was. If it belonged wholly to the dad and his late wife then I don’t think it’s right for OP to take 3/4 of the profits for her own children.
Each child should apply to schools that are affordable with merit and/or need based aid.
The ones with lower stats might have to apply to instate schools and/or less selective/lower ranked ones.
Explain the savings that existed before/after the marriage for each of them.
Let’s say you had saved $40,000 per triplet and your H saved $40,000 for his D.
Since the marriage you saved another $40,000 per child.
So now each has a $80,000 budget for four years.
That would give them $20,000 a year, plus what the dad of the triplets would contribute per year.
If they pick a school with that budget (instate or OOS/private with merit and/or need based aid) they might not need to borrow their student loan, otherwise they can increase the budget by the $5,500 they can borrow.
The stepdaughter can get high merit and scholarships and wants to be close to late mom’s family. Hopefully that is in the budget, plus what her dad can contribute from the house sale.
If there is extra money, it should be saved for her.
Keep in mind, that the dad of the triplets might stop helping to pay in future years if he gets remarried, finances change etc, so the triplets might want to pick a school that is affordable without their student loan, so they can keep going to school if their dad should stop paying.
What is the relationship of the 4 siblings? Will depriving any of them of their dream school create resentment if the budgets are not equal or is there enough maturity and bond among them to realize that “fair” is not “equal” without creating resentment? I think ultimately the decision needs to be explained to all 4 clearly with the rationale.
I think OP has set up the basics pretty well. The complications are the ex-husband’s contribution and the house. Although in a sense having these 2 sources from outside the current marriage simplifies certain things as far as “fair not being equal” is concerned. The easy one is that it should be pretty uncontroversial to allocate the ex’s contribution to the triplets’ budgets. The house is more difficult. If the current family has been paying mortgage, tax and maintenance in excess of any rental income, that certainly needs to be factored in. Also, unless that house was the deceased mother’s property, I would not consider it 100% the stepdaughter’s inheritance. How are other pre-current marriage assets to be divided in terms of inheritance (not just college expenses)? Is there an agreed formula there? Did the stepdaughter already get some distribution from her mother’s will/estate? Assuming that there is no clear existing roadmap, I think the inclination should be first fund the stepdaughter’s education from the house fund for the school that best fits her, with any remainder to be used to supplement the triplets’ budget if needed, but in a sense treat this as a “loan” where the stepdaughter may get more help with graduate school or the final inheritance. In a sense we are kicking part of the monetary dilemma down the road, but we are trying to maximize the college experience for the 4 siblings for now.
What does remain is if the triplets have unequal costs. I think the default here is equal budgets, unless the three of them can all agree on a different arrangement.
I believe that half of the money from the house sale should belong to the step daughter to use for college or save for her future use. The other half I believe belongs to the husband and he may chose to use that money to help his stepdaughters.
Pooh- so by your logic, if the ex-husband of the triplets is able to increase his contribution to his kids in subsequent years, a portion of THAT should go to the stepdaughter? And if he objects (as he likely would) do we take into account that the dead mom doesn’t get to object- seeing as how she’s dead???
No compassion for a kid who lost her mom so young- and is trying to get to a college back where she has family??? She’s supposed to take the hit for the triplets- even though they’ve still got a living parent who can contribute- both now, and likely later on if they need help for grad school or just launching?
@blossom totally agree with you … the late wife/ mom cannot object.
The other argument of “well did step daughter already receive some money earlier from her dead mom’s estate” … that is garbage. This young lady suffered the loss of a mother at a young age … she gets everything she has coming to her, in the past and into the future … she has lost how many years of mothers love, care, advice? and how many more years to come without that?
And no, a step mom is not the same, especially as OP is presenting a My kids vs His kid type world.
**Now perhaps we are all just being spoofed
Is this not set up as a brilliant parody on Cinderella?
Beautiful talented daughter with a dead mother
Step mother with 3 daughters
Step mom wants more for her own daughters
Wow, some people are harsh!
What does your husband think, OP? It seems to me very clear that there is no one right answer here, and the main thing would be to find a solution that will keep everybody happy/not lead to resentment. I doubt anyone online can know what that will be.
ETA, for example, this could be an evil stepmother scenario. Or it could be that the families, having lived together for 10 years, are fully blended and the kids are treated and loved equally. We can’t know. But I would also add that this is not even as much a financial decision as an emotional one. Will someone feel less loved because they got less money? Unless the parents are able to talk about this and come up with a solution that works for all, I would suggest working with a therapist/counselor so the emotional aspects don’t end up tearing the family apart. (And of course, can’t tell if that’s even a remote possibility).
OK, call me heartless… Just saying, the deceased mom owned half the house and probably would have liked to see the money go to her daughter. The husband owned the other half and can do as he pleases. He has another family now and I believe that he should be able to do whatever he wants. He may choose to give it all to his bio-daughter or he may choose to split it. It’s up to him.
Regarding the other question… It makes no difference what the ex-husband does. Half of the house goes his daughter. That is fixed. Anything else, he can do whatever he wants.
So…if I’m understanding correctly, you are going to force your stepdaughter to accept merit money so you can spend more money on 2 of your own kids who, based on your posts, are unlikely to get merit money
AND
You want her dad to take some of the money from the sale of a premarital asset–which you previously agreed would go to his daughter–and spend it on your kids.
AND
Your proffered reason for doing this is to “make things fair.”
Personally, i think that plan is a LONG way from “fair.”
I have a slightly different take.
All 4 kids should apply to schools that are a good fit and see what the aid packages are like.
I don’t think there is an issue if the family pays different amounts for each kid. They are providing them with the equal opportunity to attend college.
The only way I’d have an issue is if one of kids was told explicitly that they couldn’t attend school X because family resources were being used to fund another kids choice.
If there is a gap between expenses and available resources, then it seems like a perfect example of how a Plus loan is a good thing.
In terms of using the house proceeds–based on the facts we have I do think it OK to use them for the tuition of all of the kids.
I have a different take then other poster. I don’t think you should have to sell a house to pay for college. to do that in addition to college saving, current income and and a ex husband chipping in seems like a lot to me. How much is the budget you have to the kids without factoring in the house?
Parent plus loans for four kids for four years?!!
Surely there are some affordable schools instate or OOS with merit.
Thank you everyone for your input! The only reason I would desire to split the house proceeds between all the kids is because my husband and I have BOTH put in money to renovate/upkeep the house. We took what all you said and my husband and I first had a discussion and then we had a discussion as a family. Every child is applying to schools of good fit that also span a variety of prices. We came to the agreement that we will match from the home sale the dollar amount that my ex will give to the triplets. (So if my ex gives 10 thousand per kid, then my stepdaughter will get ten thousand from the house sale). Once all the kids decisions get in, we are again going to sit down as a family and talk about it. If extra money is needed for some kids but not others, we can discuss possibly using the house sale to close the gap. If it is not needed, then it will go straight into our retirement fund! My husband 100% views the triplets as his own and wants to help fund their futures, we have been married long enough that it isn’t “his kids” and “my kids”. I only referred to it this way in this post to make it easier to keep track of which kids were being talked about. Hopefully our son and daughters all get in to a place where they will be happy. And I hope that all of your kids do the same!
@PoohNDisney I like your idea of 50% to the daughter and 50% to my husband to do as he pleases. Will for sure be bringing this up to my husband!