A former patient said to me, “ If a problem that $can fix, it’s not a problem.” This has helped me when son totaled a car and later, hit a barrier. I reminded him that I too hit a barrier in one of those CA parking lots.
If I’m called back for another medical scan, MRI, etc., I tell myself it’s how doctors earn their $. I don’t worry beforehand. I figure they don’t want to be sued in case they miss something.
My goal is to worry less about my son. Also, I get too concerned about entertaining. I’m perfectly fine with a group of 8, so why she I be concerned about 40? I’ll have plenty of good food, and no one expects my house to be big and gorgeous. Everyone knows me. If anything, they’ll be amazed that I have so many books.
"“With age also comes the realization that a) most things are fixable”
I have to disagree with this.
If a loved one is seriously ill with a terminal illness, it is not fixable."
Sure, crappy and horrible things happen but with things like a terminal illness, worrying about it constantly sure isn’t going to change the situation. In fact, that worrying and stress can be super unhealthy. Additionally, I don’t think a lot of the things people here are worrying about are mainly or only terminal illnesses, per se.
“If you lose your job near retirement age, and you do not have sufficient savings, it may not be “fixable.””
So, instead of worrying about it, do something to put yourself in a better position - cut back on spending and save, keep your networking and skillset fresh, always be looking for new opportunities, etc. Much more helpful than worrying and therefore, yes, “fixable”.
In my big career job, I was the crisis manager. That’s all about looking for the worst and being ready. But it burns you out. I often think, “Sxxx rolls downhill and I’m the one standing at the bottom.”
Obviously, we control (or pre-control) for what we can. But it can be exhausting. I do still play the What If game, but try to do it rationally, when I can. If I miss the plane. I’ll go to the ticket agent. If it rains on moving day, it’s the movers’ problem (but I’ll have lots of plastic tarp on hand and be a PITA about them using it.)
In contrast, I worried for months about our decision on a new boiler, was out of my league, imagining all that money and a system that might not work as we need. Wondering whom to trust and if the wrong choice would affect later resale. And on and on.
I think it’s the things we don’t know that we catastrophize. I think it does help to take some of what we worry about and at least have initial plans considered. Something in place. That helps.
For me, knowledge is power. The more informed I am about the options, the better a plan A and B I can make. I tend to stop after a plan B. I also try to hire the best folks I can and trust them to use their good, professional judgement. That saves me a TON of worrying.
Ah, brunch food, for an open house. Bagels and fish, sushi, miniature pastries, etc. all from different vendors. So if my food doesn’t turn out well, there will still be lots to eat.
I agree about knowledge being power, Himom. But it’s sometimes hard to stop at Plan B. That’s when we lose control-- and control is the very thing at the heart of the matter. People can say, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” But I think it’s sometimes hard to know what the small stuff is and not magnify it.
Sounds awesome, @bookworm, and I’m sure it would be appreciated by the guests. Plus, no guest will be as critical about our homes, our events as we will ourselves. Folks are just happy to be invited. And if they are the critical type, who needs them as a friend anyway!
I don’t have an excuse for being a worrier, unless heredity is one. When D1 moved off campus alone junior year and insisted that walking around downtown New Haven alone at midnight was fine, I started worrying about her constantly. I would check for her activity on Facebook messenger, which was fine except that on the few occasions she wasn’t on it for a while, I immediately imagined that she was in serious trouble or worse. Eventually I realized that I was feeling responsible for her safety when I could not possibly be, and also that when she wasn’t active on her phone, the odds were overwhelming that a dead battery or similar event was responsible, and not a catastrophe. If I started to worry, I forced myself to stop checking on her, thought about the low odds of anything being seriously wrong, and then would do something distracting. I came to realize that worry feeds on itself. These days I still worry (about both my kids), but much less. I also spend much less time reading upsetting news stories on Facebook (and hence, more time hanging out here!).
I worry about my wellbeing, my health, and my financial security as a single parent. I don’t want to be a burden for my kid. As I was raising her I was very frugal with money but I know I don’t have enough to retire. and with the way healthcare costs are going up I sometimes feel a shorter life would be cheaper vs living to my 90’s and broke.
When I see a person at an intersection holding a sign I wonder if I would be in that same position as an elderly woman. It reminds me to focus on needs and not wants but it is not a fun way to live. I don’t think retirement will ever be an option. I also wonder who would I turn to if I needed help.
Learned behavior for me @doschicos. My mom was a child of the depression and she certainly passed on the worry of the “pending” gloom and doom of having it all then having nothing. Not that it made me save better, I think it just makes me worry more.
Spending less time on yahoo news, internet in general (except CC, ha), and Nextdoor are New Year’s resolutions for me to rid some of the worry and daily stress. I live in a wonderful neighborhood, safe, low crime, etc., but 30 minutes on Nextdoor can have me thinking there are criminals waiting at the end of my driveway, while yahoo news is just one tragedy after another. It’s too much. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
Both, actually. Example, from a quick Google search: “‘Individuals inherit a predisposition to being an anxious person, [and] about 30 to 40 percent of the variability is related to genetic factors,’ explains psychologist Amy Przeworski, PhD, an assistant professor in the department of psychological sciences at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland."
And this: “Researchers are learning that anxiety disorders run in families, and that they have a biological basis, much like allergies or diabetes and other disorders. Anxiety disorders may develop from a complex set of risk factors, including genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events.”
I don’t think that the heritability of anxiety means it can’t be treated effectively. Far from it.
Thank you for posting that @rosered55. I recently disclosed on another thread that one of my kids suffers from anxiety (as diagnosed by a medical professional). When she explained one of her main symptoms (catastrophizing) and gave me examples, my heart broke. I had not heard of it before and I’m so sorry to anyone here who experiences it. I had not considered a genetic component…but, as I think about it, my grandmother may have been a sufferer.
Now I’m wondering how much catastrophizing is lack of confidence.
My family experience with the Great Depression was always conveyed to me as how they learned to make do, supported others, not wat they lost, but what they could do with resilience. We have some tough stories from our immigrant relatives and then the Depression, but the sense they triumphed through their will. And were grateful for what they accomplished in later years.
Not sure I see the lack of confidence angle, I certainly don’t suffer from that, and certainly wasn’t lack of confidence in my mom’s case, but reflected more in how she lived. Would only pay cash for a house, a car, no credit card debt of any kind, ever. Never lived beyond her means, but lived well.
