How to Support Bullied Daughter

Parent Cafe
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<p>When my son was being bullied in 6th grade by his teacher, we provided him with a very small recording device and instructed him to use it whenever he had an interaction with this teacher. It is legal in my state to record as long as one party knows it is being done. The results enabled us to have his teacher changed.</p>

<p>We also record all of our CSE and team meetings.</p>

<p>If it is legal to do so in your state, you might want to give your D a device and have her record when this teacher loses it.</p>

<p>On another note, there is no longer homecoming at our school because of kids who came in drunk and high and were not reported. I think your D did the wrong thing with her low income friend. Sorry, but there are plenty of kids who could use scholarships and who aren’t druggies who drive drunk. Why protect losers? Is that what a real leader should do?</p>

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<p>Sylvan,</p>

<p>I think that you have made some excellent points. To piggy back on your post, there may be a major disconnect, because daughter and possibly mom may believe that D knows everything and can handle it all on her own. The results of daughter’s actions tell a different story, especially since she has had some major missteps and has made some questionable judgement calls.</p>

<p>Engineer4life and Joan2 also bring up some really valid points. Your daughter placed herself and the school at great risk by turning a blind eye to the fact that one of her friends was high at a school function. Imagine what could have happened if this student got behind the wheel of a car, or in their altered state caused harm to another student? It would have been a night mare for the school. Being in charge means that you have to make tough and sometimes unpopular decisions.</p>

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<p>Not to make light, but this sounds like an episode of Glee. I would call a meeting with the teacher immediately along with your daughter. Spell out the issues. If there is no improvement, go up the ladder, to the District if you have to. Your D should not have to be subjected to this type of treatment, bottom line.</p>

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<p>I completely disagree with others who recommend that you go into the school to fix this, for two reasons. First, the odds of success are not in your favor, as in the public school environment there is a high likelihood of the school staff and administration “circling the wagons” (and you therefore making things worse). Second, your daughter is close to launch date (she will be in college soon, and you won’t be there day-to-day to lead her through this stuff). This is an opportunity you don’t want to miss to coach her behind the scenes, and let her exercise her problem solving muscles. However, if you suspect that her stress level might be a potential health problem, I would give different advice. </p>

<p>Managing the experience of working with an out-of-control boss or teacher…</p>

<p>I would tell DD to have the Leadership teacher’s phone number on hand and to get last minute text approvals on every single change from this point out. Regarding the homecoming issue, gosh, mistakes happen in the grown-up world all the time and somehow we smooth things over and it all usually works out. I have seen exceptional managers/leaders make mistakes (if your daughter even made one – I am not saying she did, I am just saying that either way a teacher tantrum was unwarranted). No one is perfect. </p>

<p>I would help DD to realize that in this life, nothing is fair in terms of getting blamed for things, and that she needs from this point forward to learn the art of CYA (cover your a$$) with every single step. Checks and double checks, and things that are not her responsibility, become her responsibility, when she absolutely, positively wants to look good (no matter what). Planning for the worst is good practice for an up-and-coming leader. Asking herself at every turn about what could possibly go wrong, and how she could structure things in advance so that nothing can possible go wrong, is a great learning experience. </p>

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As this is out of DD’s control, she needs to file it under “accept the things I cannot change”. It is an inefficient use of her energy to do otherwise.</p>

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I think you and your daughter need to assess whether she can and should try to manage this situation, which is what we do with bad bosses, or bail out for self-preservation’s sake. I hope she will do the former, but only your family can make this decision. You daughter, as a last ditch effort, could try to talk to the bully teacher, and if that doesn’t work go above her, but in my experience is that this rarely helps. I guess before totally bailing you could try the momma bear route (going into the school), although I truly doubt it will help short term or long (and I am afraid it will disempower your daughter even more). </p>

<p>My favorite approach would be for your daughter to learn how to survive and respond to people behaving badly, as an adult would. If she is strong enough, she certainly should try a few things before bailing or having mom come to the rescue. Maybe your daughter could sharpen her leadership chops by responding to the abuse with something like, “I wonder if we could somehow redirect the mood here to a place that is more encouraging and therefore productive. I’m not sure why, but things feel negative right now and I’d like to lead the way to a more positive mood. I am eager to learn how to do things better, and I’m excited about how much I can learn in this class”. She has said nothing negative about the teacher, but she has stood up for herself in a gentle and appropriate way. What your daughter is learning, basically, is how to redirect toddler behavior (toddlers who are adults). Yes, this approach is somewhat passive-aggressive, but it might work.</p>

<p>I would watch An Officer and a Gentleman with her, and take note of the scenes with the sergeant screaming. This would not be to see the abusive behavior in a better light, but instead to see how someone can toughen up and endure it (assuming the big picture is worth it).</p>

<p>For levity, have your daughter search for “Christian Bale Freaks Out on Set w/ SUBTITLES OF CREW in background” on youtube (profanity alert, but at her age it is nothing she hasn’t heard before – your call, but I think this is worth it). This almost derailed his career, BTW, and it did cost him. With some public apologies he was eventually able to turn it back around. </p>

<p>If this teacher is truly ranting in a five-star, abusive way, your daughter may want to regularly and secretly tape her meetings (if that is legal). If she can redirect the teacher’s behavior and endure the year, great, but a tape or two of the teacher at her best might be a persuasive tool if you are left with no other options. Personally, I think “getting” a teacher like this will hurt your daughter as well in some indirect way, but at the very least she could replay the tapes for the bully herself after graduation in order to help next year’s victim.</p>

<p>Lastly, I do think that the way we frame things makes all the difference in the world, and a nasty teacher for one hour a day is not the same thing as living with an abusive spouse. Not even close. I say this to make you feel better, BTW. :)</p>

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<p>ITA with spideygirl. While this teacher is a disaster, it is not the same thing as an abusive spouse or even an abusive boss who can keep you trapped as you need to pay the rent. With bosses like this it’s all about being a leader but making them feel like you respect them and they have the final say. She should be getting final approval for EVERYTHING in writing. Before starting this, she should have a brief chat with the teacher as an olive branch, saying ‘there are a lot of deadlines coming up, and I’ll be sending you proposals on how to proceed, so we can be in total agreement up front.” She can then send (short – or else they won’t be read) emails saying, ‘if you agree, we will plan on going forward with interviews as per x schedule.” If she agrees, do it. If she doesn’t, ask her how to do it and do it her way, even if your D disagrees. And if she doesn’t respond, don’t do anything. Yes, she will come back and scream when nothing is done, but your D can say ‘I needed your final sign-off, which I never got.” Maybe some things won’t get done, but this is student government so it’s not like anything is that significant either.</p>

<p>Also, I’m not defending this nightmare teacher, but realistically, you don’t know how your D comes across at school. The way you’re describing it, she could have a bit of a smug attitude of – I’m the one who is doing all the work (she is), I could run circles around this teacher (probably true) etc. – and it is subtly coming out in front of the teacher. No one wants to see that, esp. not someone like this insecure teacher, so they will take every opportunity to bring her down a notch. In the teacher’s mind, your D has no idea what she is doing because if she did, then why did that event go so badly? Thus, to make this situation workable, I think your D needs to step back a bit, take others’ direction whether it’s good or not, and stop thinking that she is the only one who can get this all done (bc she obviously can’t – that type of event can’t be run by one person no matter who it is, she needs to learn to rely on others). If all else fails and this doesn’t get better in the next month or so, why not quit? Why exactly does she have to keep doing this – it isn’t like an abusive work situation because there most people can’t quit without another job bc they need to make the rent and put food on the table.</p>

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<p>I don’t know about this. If the DD wasn’t on the homecoming committee, I don’t think it was her place to write the schedule for the homecoming activities…if she did this without coordinating with the homecoming committee (which might be the case since a second schedule was circulated), I can see a lot of friction between the class president and the chair of the homecoming committee.</p>

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<p>I had a nightmare boss for a while and found that email was my best friend. I documented everything-deadlines, meeting minutes, expectations, roles and responsibilities. I kept very detailed notes so that she was unable to say that she “never okayed that”, since I had proof of her being at the meeting and not voicing her concerns. He favorite position at the company was to make sure something critical got overloked so that she could jump in and save the day, getting all the glory and making others look like idiots. She had ruined a few careers before she met me. Through my extra work-there was no crisis, so she couldn’t jump in like a hero. After a few projects, she tried to sabotage a project and ended up with the ruined career and forced retirement. I had to be diligent and very professional all along because I couldn’t let her see that I was “out to get her” in any way.</p>

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<p>When I was young and had a lousy teacher, my mom used to tell me about her worst- and how that person eventually left the strongest and most lasting positive influence. Of course I didn’t believe her.</p>

<p>Jump forward. My kids had a problem with a teacher in hs. D2 could do no right. Long story but somewhat parallel to yours. I offered to intervene and she said no, I want to get through this myself. Darned, she chose a senior class with him, as well, and the same thing started all over again. Talk about risks, she even asked him to write an LoR. </p>

<p>When I look at her progress and triumphs in college, I often attribute her drive and sense of purpose to this guy. He taught her that, sometimes, nothing is good enough, but you keep plowing through. He taught her to define her role and identify the contributions she could make. He also taught her, unintentionally, when to punt. (I mean, when to simply accept a lousy situation for what it is, versus when to start a fire.) I had a conversation recently with her, about him, and she said no one else had taught her what he did- and she was proud. </p>

<p>So, a phrase sometimes holds: “sometimes our worst enemies are our best teachers.” I am sorry for what your D is going through. No two situations are alike. But, is there any “long perspective” you can take? Good luck.</p>

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<p>^ Interesting point of view, lookingforward.</p>

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<p>I love Spideygirl’s favorite approach. I think it can be very effective. I also think there is room here for your daughter to learn and that she needs to realize she is not being as effective as she could be, even if at times too much is being expected of her. I also agree with MizzBee and aj725 that putting things in writing and using e-mail can be your friend. Long ago my boss had a client who was driving him crazy he made me write up meeting notes and send them to the client saying this is what we agreed to at the end of each meeting.</p>

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<p>Okay, when my kid was sick, she absolutely was in touch with everybody. The teacher doesn’t do e-mail, Facebook, or texts or have a conference period because she’s not faculty and teach other classes. Understanding her on cell is a problem because she doesn’t enunciate. At least she has an office, but she has a number of roles so she is not always there. </p>

<p>DD became alarmed when she saw that the committee had only done a tiny portion of what needed to be done and then stopped. They planned games, but didn’t recruit players or think about what equipment/supplies they might need. They didn’t plan a run through, or think about have the next group ready and waiting so there wouldn’t be a lag in the program, that type of thing. So DD felt she needed to coach the committee on what they needed to be thinking about and doing; she had no intention of doing it herself. I’m sorry folks, but IMHO, I think this is what the teacher should have been doing: Coaching them on preparing a detailed timeline, pushing them to identify every detail that needed to be addressed, having them thing about worst case scenarios and developing contingencies, etc. And the teacher DID review and approve DD’s schedule BTW.</p>

<p>I think DD was hoping to take this urban school from disorganized last minute seat of the pants chaos to a semblance of middle class professional expectations, but you don’t go from zero to ten in a couple of months. This year, there is an influx of freshman from middle class families, so parental expectations for functionality are high.</p>

<p>DD says she is stepping back and will only do the bulletin boards, the FaceBook page she created because she realized it was the only way most students would get announcements, and communications on the parents’ listserve. That’s plenty. The old time parents appreciate the greater communication and give her kudos in private emails and in person so that seems to be feeding her soul because she is being acknowledged for her hard work. Has she made mistakes? Yes, she knows she has. I still don’t think those sins were of the magnitude that justified a person flying off the handle and lashing into her. She doesn’t want to step down because she wants to make the school a better place. She wants to develop and leave a detailed binder with timelines, checklists, rules, etc. to make it easier for the next person since all good organizations should have a manual to refer to so that it isn’t like reinventing the wheel every time.</p>

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<p>All I can say is…Ouch. :(</p>

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<p>I guess I’m just not seeing why she is taking all this upon herself and making herself ill over it. It’s fine that she’d like to see her urban school be like more of a middle class school, but what makes her think that a student can accomplish that all alone? If you look at how the better middle class schools run – it has nothing to do with student gov’t, but rather with the faculty’s oversight over student events and ideas. If she wants to make the place better and save her sanity, she should do whatever she “has” to do as student body president, which is likely not much, plus take on one or two other long term projects; it sounds like she has chosen to be involved with parents and that’s a good project, add to that a handbook or two and that should be more than plenty for a year. </p>

<p>The teacher might be a disaster, but if she continues to take on projects she doesn’t need to and then they turn out this way, she will continue to be blamed and screamed at, so why bring it on herself?</p>

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<p>I agree with aj, what is DD getting out of this (other than a resume enhancer)? Really, is she going to change the world, or even the confines of her urban HS to any measurable amount? As far as DD herself, she gains nothing by being in this class or by being Student body pres other than the title. How much is that worth?</p>

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<p>If this is an extracurricular and the student council is being advised in a non-credit class by an incompetent, disorganized bully of a teacher, then I would recommend to my D that she just resign and focus her attention on other things. I would also recommend that your D write a letter explaining her reasons in dispassionate and mature language and send it to the teacher, the school principal, the district superintendent, and the secretary of the Board of Education. What would be the downside of resigning?</p>

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<p>Last time I had a boss like that I quit and got another job (where I became the boss.)
Sometimes it isn’t worth the emotional turmoil to suffer and battle a situation with no help and no real tangible reward. Quit and let the school figure it out.</p>

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<p>^ It is certainly not worth the health and self-esteem of your D if things continue in this way.</p>

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<p>I have another idea. I think DD should seek wise, trusted counsel from outside her household. It will be good practice for the real world, and can also provide a fresh perspective. Perhaps Mom can help DD decide who that person might be. Someone with a lot of leadership experience in a professional environment would be a good choice. It is never too early to start seeking mentors.</p>