How to Support Bullied Daughter

Parent Cafe
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<p>I have come to the conclusion that DD is being bullied by a teacher in the way that bosses sometimes bully subordinates. In other words, it is not a situation where the bullied person is necessarily weak and vulnerable the way a kid might be who is being bullied by another kid. And actually, the bully is not a true (credentialed) teacher, but the one who <em>teaches</em> the sole leadership class DD is required to take as student body president. Thus, transferring to another class is not an option. I am disturbed as I see my once happy child become over-stressed, unhappy, physically spent, and get one migraine after another after she has been yelled and screamed at in front of others. Her ability to lead is compromised as now kids feel free to disrespect her as this person has done. DD is starting to take on characteristics of abused spouses, thinking everything is all her fault (including the shortcomings of other students who didn’t do their jobs) and that she won’t get screamed at if she just does everything <em>perfectly</em>. DD is one who has always gotten along with bosses, adults, and peers, so this toxic interaction has really been a shock and thrown her for a loop.</p>

<p>I am assuming this person is heading this class because no one else in the school is willing to do so. She has been around for decades. Other student body presidents had a class schedule that precluded having to take this class, so I believe DD is the first student body president to take the class. To her detriment, she wants to make a difference and not be in the position just because it looks good on a college app.</p>

<p>My online research on abusive/toxic bosses is very discouraging. DD’s doctor and I are encouraging her to get more exercise to dissipate the tension in her body. Other suggestions?</p>

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<p>CCSO, how much longer is this interaction expected to last? Is this a regular course your DD is taking?</p>

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<p>Is this a full year class, or just the semester? Is it actually graded? Those answers might make a difference in the advice you receive. My D was recently having trouble with a teacher. She had a few short conversations with the teacher about the things that were bothering her, but nothing changed. So she wrote an outline of the issues she is uncomfortable with, and asked me to attend a meeting with her and the teacher. Which I did. D led us through her outline, and we discussed each point. There was one spot in the meeting where the teacher did start to “bully” D (IMHO). I pointed out to the teacher (politely) what I saw as inappropriate in her assumptions and actions toward my D. I stayed after to talk to the teacher for a few minutes after D left, too.</p>

<p>This teacher now knows specifically what is bothering my D in her class, and also that as a parent I am watching to see if things improve. We are lucky, I guess, that D is in a private school, so the administration is pretty responsive to parent input. But this teacher has also been around for 20 years, so the odds of change are low. But I figure that we have now laid the groundwork to move D to a different class for next semester if things don’t get better.</p>

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<p>How is it ok for a teacher to scream at a student? As a parent, don’t you think you should report that to the administration?</p>

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<p>If she is student body president, she should have some supporters in the faculty. Can she confide to one about the situation and ask for guidance?</p>

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<p>If in fact this teacher is “yelling and screaming” and we all know what yelling and screaming means, I would be talking to administration. There is a world of difference between verbally challenging someone or pushing someone by pinning them down or questioning them and yelling and screaming. I think older teachers, older bosses, older professors are used to a more confrontational approach and as the decades have passed teachers and managers have become more touchy feely in their approach and tend to mold their style to the student and managers are taught to try and be respectful or all personality types. Hopefully you can separate out what is stylistic vs. what is abusive. But if the answer is that it is abusive then take it to administration. </p>

<p>I had a problem crop up years ago with S1 and one of his teachers. It just wasn’t getting better. There was nothing overtly abusive going on but I think S1 didn’t like this teacher and this teacher didn’t like S1. It boiled over when S1 got up and left the classroom because he was so angry and he knew the best thing was to walk out…which is a high crime in high school. I called the principal and asked if he’d sit with both of them and listen and mediate. I never attempted to talk to the teacher. They reached a tense truce, but clearly it was not a good fit. Who knows what the triggers were, it happens sometimes in work environments too. Your D and this teacher could have huge personality clashes. But if there is, in fact, yelling and screaming that is not good, neither student and teacher or employee and manager should ever reach a point where there is yelling and screaming.</p>

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<p>It’s also probably important to determine both sides of the story. D often says “mom, stop yelling at me” when I don’t feel like I’m yelling, she just interprets any raise in the level or tension of my voice as “yelling”. There are two sides to this story (maybe).</p>

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<p>There could be two sides to this story, but that is not important, what is important is how this teacher is making OP’s daughter feel. When I talk with school administration I often remind them that kid’s perception is often reality to them. A teacher cannot be effective in teaching if a student feel like she is being yelled at all the time.</p>

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<p>We can talk about kids’ perceptions and teachers’ style, but bottom line, this situation is having a detrimental effect on your D. This teacher’s behavior toward your D is unacceptable under any conceivable scenario. I would be in the prinicipal’s office on Monday morning; they can figure out another way for your D to fulfill the requirement to take this class, either by Independent Study under a different teacher, or at another school. If they won’t, then I’d be at the school district office on Tuesday morning.</p>

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<p>* after she has been yelled and screamed at in front of others.*</p>

<p>Why wouldn’t this be abusive behavior? You absolutely need to stop this just as you would stop a spouse from verbally abusing your child…that’s your responsibility as a parent. </p>

<p>First I would confront the teacher and let her know in no uncertain terms that if she ever yelled or demeaned my child again I would take it higher. </p>

<p>I’d be tempted to provide my child with some kind of recording device (preferably with video) to record these outbursts if they occurred again after my intervention. </p>

<p>I’m curious, what is she yelling at your D about?</p>

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i disagree that it’s not important. Other posters here are ready to crucify this teacher. Maybe that’s warranted, maybe not. I don’t think approaching the administration like mama grizzly out for blood is necessarily the best approach. Especially if she hasn’t heard the other side of it.</p>

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<p>If this student does not have a history of coming home and saying, “teacher is picking on me” or “teacher is yelling at me,” then I would absolutely believe this child. It’s not likely that such a child is all of the sudden lying about a teacher when this child has had no history of such behavior. </p>

<p>this sounds like a role-model student who after 12 years of schooling is being faced with a witch. </p>

<p>And, it sounds like this has already happened a few times this school year and it’s only mid-October!!!</p>

<p>That said, I wouldn’t first go to the admin…I would firmly approach this teacher and let her know that I’m aware of what she’s been doing by providing specific examples and letting her know that if it didn’t stop immediately, then I would go higher.</p>

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<p>You are your kid’s only advocate. I don’t know if I come across like a mama grizzly with school administrators, but even at D2’s new school they know there is no way I would put up with anyone yelling at my kid. In turn D2 would know it is not the kind of behavior she should ever put up with, whether it’s from her future professor or boss.</p>

<p>Assuming OP’s D was behaving badly in class, the professional and proper action for the teacher to take would be to contact the parents or have some sort of disciplinary action, like detention. To openly chastise someone, even if he wasn’t yelling, was humiliating.</p>

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<p>This is a full year non-academic class. DD is being yelled and screamed at for nothing IMHO would be subject to disciplinary action like detention. The latest was because the announcers at homecoming were reading off a schedule DD had prepared (when she discovered none had been prepared in the week that she was out with a migraine caused by this teacher) and the teacher had approved. Unbeknownst to DD, another schedule came out that was given to teachers but never given to her. Maybe it would have been given to her at the after school meeting the teacher called with her and later went AWOL because she had to coach, meanwhile causing DD to miss her bus. DD learned about the new schedule before homecoming, and got it to the boys. She told them to use it, but they were high as kites so her instructions didn’t stick. Was it fatal? No, but the teacher’s cheerleaders did not dance at the time planned. DD couldn’t get back to the boys because she was busy barking at freshman to keep them from flooding down the bleachers to participate in a game that needed only two volunteers. Was she going to out the boys for being high? No, this would likely mean her low income African American friend would lose his scholarship and his future if he were suspended. DD was not even on the homecoming committee, but believed that she, as the student body president, would be blamed if it were a disaster.</p>

<p>DD is getting into trouble for trying to execute her plans. For example, of all the student body officers for the 2011-12 year, there are only about four for the entire school: the student body president, the vice president whom DD chose to run with her, the senior class president, and one other officer. Elections were held last spring, and they were delayed and delayed, and not many made it through the minimal GPA and interviewing process because they failed to follow through. This year, the election process was opened up again, and more people applied and followed through. DD and another officer interviewed a number of candidates but the teacher wants to throw those results out because an adult was not present. Too bad these rules are never conveyed until after they have spent hours on something. These two also spent hours planning the election timeline to coordinate with the other activities and preparing ballots that only needed to be run off and distributed. Nope. The process is being opened up to include kids who missed the deadlines. So it is the second marking period, and still less than a handful of officers for a school of close to 2,000. It will be the second half of the first semester before the school has a full slate of officers. Who ever heard of such a thing?</p>

<p>Because the situation is closer to workplace situations, I am wondering how you have dealt with a bullying boss? A very, very, very bad problem is that this person has made DD cry twice and almost made her cry a third time. I understand that this empowers bullies and can escalate the bullying behavior. An administrator advised DD to have a third party be the primary communicator/intermediary with this teacher, but that can only work some of the time due to DD position as president. That particular third party is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, so that proved to be another problem, but I think DD should work to find a sharper knife. I also think part of the problem is that DD could run circles around this person in terms of competence and teaching this class, and the teacher knows this and knows that DD knows this.</p>

<p>DD has no time for her friends due to all the time she spends for the school. (She also has no time for school because she is constantly being pulled out of her classes to do stuff on behalf of the school, but that’s a whole 'nuther issue.) Thus, she is not being sustained by her friends, and I worry that the support of other adults just isn’t enough for her, not to last until mid-June. </p>

<p>I’m not sure that going to administration will make any difference; I believe that they know this staffer is difficult. If you have strategies on how to avoid crying while under fire and other coping mechanisms, or even better, how to thrive under a difficult boss, please bring them on.</p>

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<p>If what you say is true then my advice to your daughter is to resign her position. Her college apps and career are likely to suffer more if she is miserable, stressed and isolated this year from her friends, than if she doesn’t have Student Body President on her resume. It could take a long time for her confidence and faith in her abilities to recover, which is far more detrimental to her than not having a title on her resume</p>

<p>tell them to stick it</p>

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<p>I agree with SoccergirlNYC, that perhaps she should give up the position. Based on what you wrote, it seems that she may be in a job that is over her head. I also think that being in charge carries responsibility, and when something goes wrong, it has happened on your watch and it will fall back to you. </p>

<p>In reading some of the things you wrote, you come off as making excuses for your daughter (when you are in charge, you don’t have the luxury of excuses because it happened on your watch). Also because you were not there you are only hearing your daughter’s version of what transpired.</p>

<p>you wrote:</p>

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<p>I am sorry that your daughter was out sick with a migraine. During the time that she was out, was she in contact with her vice president, senior class president, the other officer or the teacher/administrator that oversees all of this? If your daughter is going to be an effective leader, she has to learn how to delegate, get the support of her team and get the job done, even if she is not physically there. </p>

<p>There was a lack of communication if another schedule came out and she was in the loop. With texting, chatting, e-mail and phones, I don’t understand how she could not be in the loop. If your daughter is doing this by herself, then this is a bigger problem. An effective leader is only as good as the people on her team. IF she does not have a good team in place or a team that supports her, things are going to be a mess.</p>

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<p>It sounds like there was no overall plan in place for the event. If there was a plan it seems like there was no contingency, back up plan in place. There was no practice run to see if they could accomplish this task and keep it on schedule. If she saw the kids, knew that they were high as a kite, why would she bother to give them instructions? She should have gone to an adult and let them know that she needed to modify the schedule. She did not have back up plan.</p>

<p>Overall it seems that all of the event that transpired in post 14 resulted in a hot mess. Any criticism made about all of this is going to come off as yelling and screaming even if the tone came off as being angry or irritated and no actual screaming took place. If brunt of it is falling back to your daughter, it is very easy to understand how she is feeling.</p>

<p>If she is working with people who are not doing their job and is over-stressed, physically spent and unhappy why is she continuing with this? What is the payoff here for her?</p>

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<p>Tell her to walk away. Waaaay too much drama and disorganization that she has no control over. There’s is not enough time in the day to fix that mess, plus do schoolwork and have a life. </p>

<p>If it were a one time thing, for instance she was running a fundraiser with a specific end date, I would tell her to stick it out and count it as a learning experience. Her situation has the potential to wreak havoc with her entire school year. Not worth it.</p>

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<p>This does sound more like a work situation, and it is not working. There should usually be good communication between boss and staff, for whatever reason they are not communicating. It is not clear to me whose fault it is. But if I was this teacher’s boss, I would say it is her more than Op’s daughter. The reason is this teacher had many more years of expereince, she knew what could have gone wrong at various school events, and she should have rehearsed it with OP’s daughter.</p>

<p>This kind of thing happens at work place, most of us have sat on both sides (boss and subordinate), and it is never easy. This past Fri I did make someone who work for me cry. She is my finance person, responsible for reporting my P&L to the world. She has the habit of changing numbers by adding something or subtracting something. It makes me look disorganized and not running a tight ship. Knowing her tendency, I had a meeting with her and her global manager to agree what we were going to report for the third quarter and projection for next year. We all agreed at the meeting what those numbers shuld be. After the meeting, her global manager and I both emailed our respective managers to give them the first indication of what those numbers would be. Sure enough, while I was at lunch, she instructed someone to change those numbers due to some stupid reason. I used some very strong words with her and made her stick with what we agreed with. She was very upset because she claimed she wouldn’t be able to stand by those numbers. </p>

<p>Now, if you just heard her side of the story, I would appear to be the unreasonable boss and maybe even as a bully. I don’t want to work like that with anyone (too much stress), it’s not good for her and it’s not good for me, so I am going to let her go (or maybe she will resign). In OP’s D case, she is not going to change this teacher, her focus should be on her school work and college applications and have a great senior year.</p>

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<p>Not to derail the thread, but this is not the attitude of a leader. I’m not saying that she should have said something, but a respected and effective leader would have managed the situation differently.</p>

<p>Coming to a school function high on drugs is not acceptable. And even more unacceptable if the boys drove themselves to the event.</p>

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<p>Having an adult be present at interviews is reasonable to ensure the process is fair and to protect the school from lawsuits. It’s normal in the professional world. And, it would have been reasonable to talk with the teacher ahead of scheduling the interviews and asked her to find out what the requirements were for conducting the interviews. In real life, we have to go seek out answers to our questions rather than waiting for everyone to volunteer the information to us.</p>

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<p>Isn’t barking the exact thing that she doesn’t want her teacher doing to her?</p>

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<p>I am hearing a lot of things in your posts. I think you should step back and take another look at this situation from the perspective of an outsider. Several points, and I don’t mean this to sound harsh: If your DD envisions herself to be in some type of leadership position in the future, she needs to do 2 things - grow a thick skin and grow a spine. Think about all the crap our elected leaders have to go through just to get elected. Look at the amount of criticism and abuse our president takes - and the secret service isn’t there for the fun of it. There are people who would kill him if they could (not just Obama, any of them). </p>

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This ^ is a real problem. If this is how your DD approaches this person, then she should drop this class immediately. There is no point to being in a class where she cannot learn anything, and she can’t learn anything from someone who she sees as knowing less than SHE does. Kind of by definition. All she can do there is undermine any effort the teacher may be making with the OTHER students. If that means dropping her position as SB President, she should do that too.</p>