My GF and I have been dating for around three years. We managed to find great jobs in the same city after we graduated and have both loved living in the same city. However, recently she was presented with a dream job opportunity that would take her to the other coast. I know this will be amazing for her career and isn’t something she should turn down. At the same time, I’m afraid of losing this norm.
I want to be encouraging and supportive, but I feel that everything is so perfect now and it saddens me to know that it is going to change. I know an option is for me to consider making the move at some point which is something I’ll have to think about. Any parental advice or positive words from similar experiences?
Sometimes moving to be with your partner is a good experience.
When my sister graduated from college, she moved with her boyfriend to the large Navajo reservation in Arizona where he had a job waiting for him, working for a government agency. Although she’s not Navajo, she ended up getting a very interesting job working for the Navajo tribe. Even though the relationship ended after a few years, she considers the experience of living in that unusual environment to be one of the highlights of her life.
On the other hand, sometimes moving (or not moving) for the sake of your partner is difficult. It may mean taking a less attractive job, going far away from friends and family, or living in a community that has serious disadvantages – like a high cost of living.
My son, who is several years older than I think you are, lives and works in one of the most expensive parts of the country. He has told me several times that he would like to move to a place with a lower cost of living. However, a few months ago, he got involved with a woman who lives in the same area and intends to stay there because she’s helping out elderly family members. That commitment is very important to her. If their relationship continues, and I think it will, he’s going to have to stay in the pricey area.
These decisions are difficult, and there are a lot of things to consider – and hopefully, to talk about with your girlfriend.
“I feel that everything is so perfect now and it saddens me to know that it is going to change”
There are many benefits of moving: new adventures, personal and professional growth, etc. You’re young, you don’t own a home, you don’t have to consider your children’s school needs. This is a great time to do this, an investment in yourself and your relationship.
OTOH, it sounds, deep down, like you’re worried the relationship may not survive the move… If that’s the case, things maybe aren’t “so perfect.”
See how things go being apart for awhile. GF’s dream job may not turn out to be so great after all. Go slowly before you quit your job. Don’t make any quick decisions over something so important.
Good advice! One thing is that we didn’t plan to stay in our current city for longer than another year or two. I was just hoping to get more of a decision into the next move and one that wouldn’t be so far away.
I think it’s going to depend on how serious the relationship is. There is a difference between serious and long-term.
A serious relationship is one that is definitely heading toward marriage/commitment. Long-term is one that has lasted several years, but isn’t progressing. Long term is comfortable and familiar, but not necessarily serious.
Both my daughters are/were med students. Medical students are required to complete a residency in order to become practicing physicians, but they have very little control over where they are placed for residency. (It’s done by a computer program.) Going into 4th year of med school and residency placement both were/are involved in long term relationships and in D1’s case, a very serious relationships. D1 selected her potential residency sites jointly with her BF and with his ability to find employment after a move in mind. She was also talking about a spring wedding after graduation. But when it came down to her actually interviewing and moving, her BF chose to break if off. She relocated to the opposite coast–and reconnected with a friend whom she had briefly dated (one date!) 6 years earlier when they were both still in college. D1 and the old friend were married a year later. (BTW, I consider my new SIL a major upgrade over the her previous BF. Her husband completely rearranged his life to be with D1–including moving from another country/continent to be with my daughter while she finishes her studies, while her ex wouldn’t even consider leaving town to move to another part of the state for her. That’s love.)
I guess what I’m saying is life throws everyone a curve ball now & then. Change can be scary, but change is part of life and growth. Change can be painful (D1 was devastated by her ex’s defection), but change can also be beneficial and life affirming too. If the relationship with your GF is meant to last, it will.
I think you should be proud of you GF’s accomplishment and encourage her to take the new position. (It’s too easy to breed resentment between you if you don’t.) You need to discuss your feelings with your GF. Let her know you’re anxious about her move and find out what she expects from the relationship.
You’re both young, no kids, no anchors. Now is the time to reach for the amazing career move, no regrets. Kick “this norm” right in the nads and move on.
You now have a great chance to show you can be a good partner. Let your GF know you support her, this chance is too important to pass up, and you will start now looking to relocate with her.
If you or she have doubts about this level of relationship commitment, break up and wish her the best. After three years you should know.
If you’ve been together for three years, you should have a good sense of whether you intend to get married. Do you? If so, start looking for a job in her new location and make a commitment. I wouldn’t consider moving without one.
If you’re not certain you want to marry her after three years, you probably don’t. You may not be thinking in black and white terms like that, but maybe you think there’s something missing, or something you wish were different about your relationship. If this is the case, don’t move. Let her go, so that you can both find the right person.
Three years is more than enough time to know whether your relationship should be permanent. If you’re not sure you want that commitment, let her go.
I agree with @Massmomm . Decide where this relationship is going.
I’ve always said I would not have left the county for my now-husband without a wedding ring. He graduated 1.5 years before I did and took a great job offer in another state. I received a great job offer from our college in my last year. We got married and I joined him more than 1,000 miles from home. Otherwise, I would have accepted the job offer, continued to date him long distance and see where life went.
I’m not judging but three years does seem enough time to decide about marriage in most cases. So what’s up?
What’s more important your job or the girl? How does SHE feel? Is her job more important than you?
Is she moving no matter what? Are you too comfortable where you are?
Got doubts that you can’t overcome?
That takes soul searching which nobody can answer for you.
You definitely need to talk frankly with her. Be real frank.
What are the priorities (for both of you)? Relationship? Job? Where are you in another five years? Kids?
Maybe it is the location holding you back–it’s a huge consideration with a lot of consequences for both of you…
Willing to support one another in down times?
Don’t upend your life on wishy-washy statements. Hammer it out.
Unless you both really want to commit then don’t go. It may be time to let go.
I got married young and never looked back. It’s been almost 40 years. All these sorts of decisions were mutually decided from the onset before either of us even had a chance to get “too comfortable” in a lifestyle. Maybe we were lucky in that respect.
But it was (and still is) always what WE wanted rather than what’s best for ME. Lots of give and take in a good relationship.
I faced this some 25 years ago. This great guy I had been involved with for four years was moving to another country. At first I refused to go. I had a big job and wasn’t ready to start over in a new place (and learn a new language…). We were long distance for about a year, then decided we couldn’t be apart any more. I was the one who sacrificed her job and had to begin again, but it has been worth it.
I agree not to jump too fast, but start thinking about your options and your relationship.
I’m assuming you are male (correct me if I’m wrong). Women have been following their male partners for generations in these situations. She should absolutely take the job. Follow or not as your relationship dictates.
I followed my husband to a job, then he followed me to a job.
If you want to stay together, make a long-term commitment and work it out. It should not be a matter of convenience that you have jobs in the same town.
If she moved to the other coast, and you were miserable without her, would you then follow her? If you wouldn’t even consider that, then might as well break up now anyway.
I really sympathize because I’m also someone who gets very comfortable with “the norm” and I don’t like change. I was so sad to graduate college because I loved the routine and vibe I had with my boyfriend, who is now my fiance. I’m even nervous that getting married is going to change our status quo so much! Unfortunately (or not), you’re in that period of your life where nothing is permanent and you are still young and flexible, so change will be happening frequently.
It doesn’t seem like a question that she is moving, if I understand correctly. It’s an amazing opportunity and you both understand that, which is awesome. Now’s the time to focus on getting ahead in your careers! It seems that your problem is whether or not to move with her. I agree with everyone else who says you need to start seriously thinking about where the relationship is going. You might have gotten comfortable and not really thought about it, but after 3 years and with a circumstance like this in the air, now’s the time to get it out in the open if you don’t honestly see marriage in the future, OR if you are sure you can see it heading there. You don’t need to decide away. If she moves, you can of course do long distance for months or a year or however long it takes for you to get clarity or to get a job there.
