<p>To make a long story short, my mom’s best friend and coworker passed away this Monday unexpectedly. Since then, my mom has been pretty much constantly in tears, and it hasn’t been helped by the fact that she is going to work and not seeing her friend there. I really didn’t know this woman, though I’ve heard tons of stories (she seems to have been a been a force of nature, really). </p>
<p>I feel really, really badly for my mom, especially since this friend was only two weeks older than she is, and my mom wasn’t prepared to lose her any time soon (not that that necessarily makes losing someone any easier). I want to be there for my mom right now but I don’t really know what do say or if there’s anything I can do to make her feel better. I’ve never lost someone I was very close with, and this woman was my mom’s best friend, so I have no idea at all what she’s going through. </p>
<p>I’ve made sure to let my mom talk to me (as opposed to asking her questions and forcing her to talk about it), as well as hugging and comforting her, but it’s hard to sit back and see my mother experiencing so much grief without being able to really help her. Is there anything more that I can do to be supportive of my mom in this tough time, or is there really not much more I can do than listening and comforting?</p>
<p>It sounds like you are doing exactly what she needs to do - being there for her and listening. She will continue to go through tough times, and knowing that you are there for her will really help her. She would probably appreciate your support at any memorial services held. I’m sure she sees how much you care and that will be a tremendous help to her.</p>
<p>You are doing great. You might also ask your Mom if you can mail a condolence card to the family of her friend. </p>
<p>Do you think perhaps your Mom is upset because she lost someone so close to her own age? This surprises everyone the first time it happens. People realize that they, too, are not going to live forever and it kind of hits us in the face.</p>
<p>You might tell her how lucky you feel that she’s still there for you. </p>
<p>But basically, active listening is the most comforting thing you can do. After a while, you might offer to do something to take her mind off of it a bit, like shop together or take her out to eat. If you feel as though you are reaching YOUR limit of how much you can listen, it can be helpful to change the scenery a bit.</p>
<p>You are doing the right stuff. Your mom may not feel much like doing stuff around your house right now (cooking, errands, cleaning, yard work, etc.). Anything you can do to pick up the slack would be appreciated, I’m sure. When someone loses a family member, lots of people show up and bring food and moral support. That isn’t going to happen for her, I am guessing.</p>
<p>I’m guessing your mom’s grief is grief about a lot of things relating to her friend, all jumbled up together. It’s particularly difficult when the loss comes so unexpectedly. She may be dealing with a lot of sadness for quite a while. There will be times during the day when for a little while forgets about her friend’s death, then she’ll suddenly remember, realize it actually happened, and then the reality will hit her like a freight train. </p>
<p>You are doing the right thing by being with her, listening to her, offering comfort. I agree that a change of scenery can be a good thing when appropriate. I know how badly you want to help your mom get through this, however, a certain amount she will just have to work through at her own pace. Just be there for her as much as you are able. Bring her a cup of tea, a blanket, a box of kleenex when she needs it.</p>
<p>You’re really being wonderful. Hang in there…</p>
<p>Since we’re talking about grieving, how can you help some one to prepare to grieve, like the family of some one with a terminal illness. How do you get ready for something that is coming :(</p>
<p>somemom… The family is already grieving and will do some more after the passing. Let them take it as their own pace. Some people make meals or come by and clean with their friend, others just call to check up. </p>
<p>Beware that emotions run high and can often be displaced, inappropriate anger and intimacy are not uncommon. So just be yourself and don’t take things too personally…</p>
<p>Julie…you are doing all the right things… since you asked for any other thoughts or suggestions…I will throw out that perhaps you might want to try and start a new/different tradition or habit for your mom that you two can share… perhaps go for a walk… plan a new memorial garden in honor of her friend… set aside time to look at and organize your family photos… the objective here would be to help channel her grief into a positive action… while you are doing any of the above (or variations based on how close you live to one another etc) you can talk about their friendship… and about how work will now be different without her support and camaraderie… this is a HUGE loss for your mom… best friends are soooo key to helping us as we all absorb the little issues and challenges in life… you can help your mom…you ARE helping your mom… so know that as sad as she is…she is comforted by your caring for her…</p>
<p>somemom: been there; very difficult unless the family is on board…actually presents a bigger challenge but the best advice I can give you is to follow their lead as best you can and when a window opens up for discussion of plans, try to help…unfortunately, those that are in denial tend to have the most issues after the fact…</p>
<p>Julie, I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom’s friend. My mom suffers from anxiety and PTSD and had a very hard time last year when her niece died unexpectedly. She still has days where something will happen to trigger a memory of her niece and mom breaks down again.</p>
<p>Along these lines, has anyone had experience dealing with someone with anxiety or PTSD and grieving? My greatest fear in this world right now is if my dad were to pass away first because I really think my mom would be inconsolable. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.</p>
<p>Just be there for your mom. Don’t force the subject - let her bring it up as and when she wants. As time goes on, some days she’ll want to talk about normal stuff and other days she’ll want to talk about her friend. And don’t ever say that she should be “over it” by any particular time. Loved ones leave holes in our lives when they are gone. The sharpness of the grief dulls over time, but they are missed forever. (But encourage her to seek help if a lot of time goes by when she doesn’t eat or sleep.)</p>