She needs an attorney simply because she’s never done it before and the attorneys know the ins and outs and what the law says she is entitled to. I had a ringside seat a few years ago to a really nasty (gay) divorce. They were married, with a prior civil union, and had apparently never actually considered the legal protections of civil union/marriage. One partner had made a lot of the money, and the other partner had held a job but really was responsible for the housekeeping – very traditional roles – and the attorney kept telling the housekeeping partner that she was entitled to shares in accounts and investments that she never had even considered she had a share in.
I provided support to a few friends while they went through the divorce process. They all needed something different.
My one friend, a highly successful businesswoman, left her H. She needed the least in terms of emotional support. She felt her attorney was dragging things out. She wanted advice on how to move things along and asked me to look at the legal bills. I gave her my thoughts and she took it from there. She is divorced and after happily dating for a few years seems to have settled down with a steady boyfriend.
Another friend was “on board” with the concept of the divorce - they both mutually agreed it was for the best. But as things progressed and the formal process was underway she had a lot of fears. She was concerned about finding herself alone and whether she would maintain her standard of living. She questioned whether the marriage was really “that bad.” She worried about how her children who were all in college would react. I was careful not to voice opinions and quite frankly I didn’t have any - the marriage always seemed stable to me. I spent many hours just listening to her talk. Her divorce seemed to drag on forever - I think both parties had fears and reservations - neither pushed to get things done. She’s divorced, sold the house in the burbs, is living in the city and dating. She maintains a very amicable relationship with her ex.
My other friend was blindsided by her H’s request for a divorce. Understandably she was devastated and for a period of time she fell apart. But she had a group of friends including myself who rallied around her and made sure she got through it. She tried to blame herself but we did not let her. She went through an initial period where she just cried, but once that was out of her system she was able to focus on the practicalities of protecting her interests. At the end of the day her H made it very easy for her and was extremely generous. I think he had a lot of guilt about ending the marriage and truly was concerned about her future security. Their divorce was finalized 2 years ago and she is in the process of selling the family home. She is just starting to accept social invitations but I think she is the most likely of the 3 to marry again.
So I think when you have a friend or family member going through this, you just figure out what it is they need and do your best to provide it.
One more bit of anecdotal advice…eventually your friend will start dating/going out again/use dating services. She may act in ways that are surprising, wear stuff that is surprising, or date people that are surprising—sowing oats if you will–that will pass. And hopefully her good friends will never mention it again in front of the eventual real/appropriate guy.
