DH’s sister was served/blindsided with divorce papers last week. Has a kid in elementary school and one entering middle school. When we asked if she had found an attorney, she said “do I really need one?”. Short of screaming “YES”, how can we best help her?
Is she financially savvy? If not help her look at all the money stuff and be sure she can back up what she requests for financial support with hard numbers. Make sure she thinks long term and that she realizes the potential cost of college so that she can work that into any agreements. And course just be there for emotional support and to help with day to day stuff that hubby might have done (cut grass). So sorry.
Tell her that of course she needs a lawyer. Everything that is decided in this divorce will affect her financially for the rest of her life.
And get a lawyer quickly…if she was surprised by the divorce papers…she does NOT want to be surprised by having her bank accounts liquidated (this happened to someone we know).
She needs to get account balances in all of the joint accounts.
And she does need a lawyer…
Are you local? You can just sit next to her in the lawyer’s offices and help her find someone. She may be in shock and not making clear decisions.
You could help her with the following: 1) finding a lawyer; 2) doing household and childcare tasks; 3) and being a sounding board. Seeing a therapist might help her, so if she needs help finding one, that would be a good thing to do, too.
Do NOT ever bad mouth him. Just in case. Let her vent and say all she wants. Just nod and say “there, there” or whatever.
Be careful with financial assistance to your sister-in-law while the divorce is pending. Money she receives before the divorce is final might end up being split as part of the property division. During my divorce, I very much appreciated my siblings’ and mom’s offers of financial help but I didn’t actually take money from them. These offers were great moral support, however.
Invite her to do things with you so that she is not isolated. If you see that she is becoming depressed or isolated, do whatever it takes to get her out of the house and engaged in physical activity. Ask her if she would appreciate your help in letting others know or if she would prefer you not to talk to others.
Attorneys will help with things like making sure she gets her share of any pension or retirement accounts. She does need one. Any spouse who blindsides their partners with divorce papers (vs discussing it first) is not to be trusted. HE has an attorney, and that attorney is not looking out for her interests. Maybe you can ask around to divorced friends for attorney recommendations for her.
If it helps, the attorney is needed for the kids to make sure they are taken care of. As above college needs to be included in the discussion.
She definitely needs to review the bank/savings account statements over the last 6-12 months to see if there has been any funny business. When someone blind-sides a spouse like this, they’ve usually had months to prepare and catching the other spouse off-guard is part of their strategy.
As to her question as to whether she needs an atty, that may be a red flag…does she have access to money to pay a retainer? If her H was the breadwinner, he may already have his paycheck being deposited into a separate acct. If she doesn’t have the money for an atty, this might frighten her.
Is she thinking that her H will change his mind? Maybe there’s a tiny chance, but there are other much bigger risks at stake. This sort of blind-sided serving is often a sign that there is “someone else”. (She should also get tested for any STDs…a friend recently divorced, blind-sided, H was having an affair…and yes, she got an STD! Ugh. )
After reading stories on CC, I hope she has her lawyer consider including specifics on how college costs will be covered/shared.
Listen to her vent, provide information (lots of good advice above), and keep her on track. A close friend recently divorced. Right up to signing the papers she was convinced her former husband would change his mind. It was clear from the beginning that he wasn’t going to change his mind. And yes, college finances need to be discussed.
Appreciate your comments. I think SIL is indeed in shock. We are going to see her this weekend and cheer her kids on at their sports events. Reminding myself that her soon-to-be-ex may be in attendance and that I need to be civil to him in front of the kids (and in case @VaBluebird’s scenario were to pan out).
DH offered financial assistance when he encouraged her to get a lawyer. She demurred, but she has not worked for a couple of years, and I doubt she has her own money. Her parents are both in a nursing home with dementia, so we are really the only family that is in a position to help. Glad to hear @rosered55’s advice about not giving her money that could wind up as part of the property division; we could pay her attorney directly. She lives several hours from us, but I have gotten family law attorney recommendations from a couple of my friends who live in her county.
Ugh is right, @mom2collegekids, I will pull SIL aside this weekend and offer to go with her for STD testing. Sigh.
I had STD testing in that situation – fortunately did not have one. But it is sobering to think about (and in fact getting her to think about it is a step toward her realizing that her ex is not acting in her best interest).
Aside from the financial aspects and lawyering up, please stay in regular contact with her. Don’t just say, call me if you need anything. It’s hard for many to ask.
FYI, what bff did re: college that served her well was insist the DH set aside $x dollars annually toward those costs and split the balance after fin aid. He later balked (spurred on by his new wife) and she could hold him to it.
When a friend of mine was hit by divorce and money got tight I gave her a few hundred dollars in cash. No one else knew ;
^^
Cash gifts like that wouldn’t be known to the soon-to-be ex.
That said, a large atty bill would be assumed to have been paid for with marital funds, so I wouldn’t suggest having others do that.
I don’t know if a relative can lend the money with a signed note…and then just cancel the debt after all the smoke clears.
- Get copies of all bank account, tax and credit card records ASAP. Consider putting a "hold" on new credit authorizations/notify credit agencies.
- Talk to an attorney. For one, she may quickly need temporary orders for spousal maintenance or child support. The money will go fast if she doesn't have income.
- She may have to decide shortly if she want to "keep" the house or move out, this is something her atty will talk to her about, but it is in my opinion often a bad deal for the woman to bargain away liquid assets to stay in the family house---taxes, mortgage and upkeep will all be higher than a rental--they do it because they are trying to preserve their "home life" as much as possible but it sinks lots of people. The problem with moving out is the upfront money.
- Be aware H may empty or move money from accounts and put her in a bad/desperate negotiating position.
- Don't object to his spending times with the kids....don't deny him access even if he is otherwise being an ahole.
- Getting an atty early may help with a quick settlement....often I have seen the best settlements come when H is feeling guilty---not after months of fighting. This only works however if both people are financially savvy and there is an honest idea of what assets are there.
- She may well be expected to/need go back to work---she shouldn't count on spousal maintenance to keep her afloat or to keep her in any type of "lifestyle" for more than maybe a couple years....yes, even with elementary school aged kids.
- The very best scenario is making it as amicable as possible, as quick as possible, with a fair distribution of assets. Getting vengeful never makes the process less complicated or less expensive.
- That said, don't give up assets just to have it "over."
- Be there for her, holidays and birthdays etc are very hard .....especially when your ex sometimes has the kids. An empty house on Christmas morning is crushing.