How to talk so Principals will Listen

Parent Cafe
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<p>I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated with school administrators. At the beginning of the school year they always make a big point of telling parents that our input is welcome but when I have contacted them to ask questions or make suggestions I am frequently brushed off, sometimes very rudely. In the many years I have been in this school system I have only made requests for my own child on two occasions. Both times the requests were for something routinely granted and for very good reasons. Both times I was turned down.</p>

<p>As for suggestions, I have made several that were dismissed at the time as “completely impractical and NEVER going to happen”. Of course, not terribly long after, guess what idea they came up with?</p>

<p>I consider myself a fairly polite person and I have never had issues of this kind at work or in my many volunteer activities. </p>

<p>There is a parent “open forum” meeting coming up at the school. I plan to attend and have a few things I would like to talk about (none specific to my child), but am very hesitant.</p>

<p>Does anyone out there have any advice, suggestions, insight?</p>

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<p>I’ve found this to work…</p>

<p>Find other parents who feel the same about a suggestion or an improvement. Schools generally won’t let you meet as a group with the principal, but if each parent sets up an individual meeting about the same topic, then the topic gets heard.</p>

<p>By doing this, the principal can’t claim: “you’re the only one with that concern/complaint” or some other nonsense that they like to say to dismiss a concern. LOL</p>

<p>We did this concerning a horrible math teacher. The principal couldn’t ignore several parents with back-to-back appointments all with the same complaint. LOL</p>

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<p>Speaking at the Open Forum CAN work. We had a brand new superintendent who wanted to get to know the concerns of the parents, so she held a series of open meetings. At meeting after meeting, people spoke negatively about the assistant principal of the HS. (Like mom2 suggested- make sure the same topic comes up from multiple parents). Most of the people who spoke up were parents of the “good kids”- not the usual trouble makers. Guess what? The assistant principal took an early retirement.</p>

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<p>I had a really good relationship with our high school principal. Our middle school principle for years had a Parent Advisory Council and when our principal was new in 2000 we asked if he could give us and hour every other month. He did - we learned a lot from him and he learned a lot from us. He is a great leader and parent himself.
I also went to school board meetings for years and brought up issues from time to time. I didn’t always “get my way” but I always was heard.
A few pointers - off the top of my head…

  1. Of course, it’s important to be respectful at all times. Duh. I know you know that but you would be surprised how rude some parents can be. (Maybe you have seen them too, though )
  2. Keep your emotions under control. No crying, whining or yelling. Don’t forget to use “I” statements.
  3. Don’t criticize without a solution. If you don’t have a solution then suggest that parents and administration come up with one together - “after all this isn’t working well”.
  4. Don’t get personal with your principal. No overt accusations or blaming.
  5. Do your homework. Research - find out what other schools in your area do.<br>
  6. Empathize -express out loud that you understand the difficulties in running a school etc etc.
  7. Be friendly. When you attend school events - seek out your principal and make small talk - comment on the great game, school play etc. If your child has a great experience with a teacher pass that on to the principal too. Get on a first name basis with the principal. </p>

<p>Get involved and stay involved!! Our parent group was able to affect many changes and our input was taken very seriously.</p>

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<p>FallGirl - If you’re a polite person (and want to stay in character) the multiple-parent approach would be appropriate. </p>

<p>FWIW, offering “improvements” based on what other school districts do … that’s an instant kiss-of-death in our school district. Too threatening apparently.</p>

<p>BTW, Kudos on your willingness to help improve things at your school. Good luck!</p>

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<p>I think it helps to look at the situation from the principal’s viewpoint. He’s got parents, faculty, students, and the superintendent’s office on his back. He’s got budgeting, staffing, student discipline, and standardized test results to worry about - for starters. If you faced that kind of job description, how would you like to be approached by a parent with a suggestion or problem? I’d try to get to the point quickly, with a minimum of detail. Busy people appreciate short letters and short meetings - so maybe a short letter outlining the problem and requesting a short meeting?</p>

<p>I only ever had to contact our hs administrators twice (with 3 kids, I guess that makes 12 kid-years :)). I had the advantage of expecting nothing when I made the contacts, so I couldn’t really be disappointed!</p>

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<p>With the open forum format, I doubt that the adminstrators will blow you off in pubilc…I anticipate a lot of “we’ll consider that and get back to you.” It will be important that you follow up.</p>

<p>I also agree with the suggestion of finding like-minded parents. Our principal is a nice enough lady, but whenever a person goes to her with a complaint, her standard reply is “you are the only one to express this complaint.” Then if you try to point out that you know other parents have the same issue, she throws “confidentiality” out at you. You need as many people as possible on the same issue.</p>

<p>Sometimes I just contact the person in charge of the particular issue at the district level.</p>

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<p>The “open forum” would be a great venue to discuss your concerns. I suggest trying to connect your argument(s) to what the other parents are presenting during this meeting to get more people in support of your ideas. When meeting with the principal directly, you should be allowed to bring in a guest who would help you understand the principal’s arguments and help better communicate what you want to see changed. It also helps to engage your student in a little fact checking to see how much of the principal’s argument is bs and/or in violation of some rule. Find somebody else with the same problem and compare notes as others have said. While principals do have a lot of things to do, they often try to cut corners in as many ways as possible and that’s when you can catch them and get your changes made.</p>

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<p>Thanks to all for your input.</p>

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<p>Oh yes, this must be a standard line they teach in principal’s school :slight_smile: I agree with those who have suggested getting other parents on board. The one time several of us complained about the same issue, a change for the better was instituted. The problem I have found is enlisting parents. So many parents will complain amongst themselves but won’t bother to take it to the school.</p>

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<p>The two requests specific to my own kids that I mentioned - well I was on the PTA Board at the time. I had great relationship with the principals (or thought I did).</p>

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<p>This is a good suggestion and I will follow it. Perhaps I talk too much. I know the principals are busy, but 1. They make a point of telling parents to contact them 2. Other parents seem to get results and 3. last year during a very controversial grade scale battle, I contacted my school board rep (business owner,parent of a large family) who was absolutely wonderful and could not have been more responsive to me. Although, ironically the school board rep and I didn’t agree on the issue, he was respectful, took everything I said under consideration, sought my input and answered my questions. On second thought, perhaps I should bypass the principals and go directly to the school board?</p>

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<p>It helps to be very involved in the school as a volunteer so that the principal and others get to know you, and so you know when it’s best to approach the administrators and what things to say that are likely to interest them in supporting you.</p>

<p>Volunteering also helps you connect with other parents and teachers who feel similarly and who will support your suggestions and requests to the administration. </p>

<p>Given the horrendous stress administrators are under now due to the budget crisis (this includes their dealing with students’ various problems caused by lack of money), this may not be the best time to make suggestions that may cost money or time, both of which are in short supply. It help if you’re able to provide cost and time-saving methods for implementing your suggestions, including offering to help however you can.</p>

<p>My thoughts come from my experiences of being the most active parent in the parent organization in younger S’s high school. Several of my suggestions were implemented, and I did lots of volunteer work to help with their implementation. I also had recruited other parents who helped. The parents were willing to help because they had become friends, and I also had done things like provided free college app prep workshops that had helped their kids.</p>

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<p>this thread has me chuckling…and not in a good way…</p>

<p>I spent five years as an active volunteer in our public school district and on a strategic planning committee.</p>

<p>When I began a long standing investigation as to whether class rank should be eliminated at the high school, I was told by the principal and superintendent that “we will NEVER implement any change in the district that was brought to us by a parent/parents”…</p>

<p>Sooo, I took the issue up with the school board president…whose son was valedictorian…that didn’t work either…</p>

<p>fast foward: we are still one of the only districts in our geographic/demographic area who still have class rank…</p>

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<p>“When I began a long standing investigation as to whether class rank should be eliminated at the high school, I was told by the principal and superintendent that “we will NEVER implement any change in the district that was brought to us by a parent/parents””</p>

<p>Wow! I am speechless and wondering how with that attitude, the principal and superintendent were able to keep holding their positions.</p>

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<p>^^haha…they are both long gone…and so are we!!! younger daughter is in private…</p>

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<p>Never ever go to the principal with a problem unless you also have at least one (and preferably three or four) solutions that would work for you.</p>

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<p>If it is something that will affect students at more than one school, yes. If it is something that will cost money or cause serious reallocation of funds, yes.</p>

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<p>I had a lot of reasons over the years to interact with principals, and have had both good and bad experiences. Along the way, a few things that I learned:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Bring my H to every meeting. Unfortunately, many people still treat men with more respect, but I learned to use it. </p></li>
<li><p>At almost every meeting, the principal (or other school staff) always brought in another person, so by bringing my H, I didn’t feel so outnumbered.</p></li>
<li><p>I bring a letter outlining my issue, and suggestions/solutions, which I leave with them. First, it keeps me on track when I am feeling nervous, and second, it creates a paper trail. Principals hate paper trails, by the way, but they are useful.</p></li>
<li><p>I always followed up with an email, reminding them that I left the letter (among other things). I also ask if there is anyone they feel I should direct the issue to, if not them. This forestalls the “we can’t do anything about that” evasion. “Well then, who can?” </p></li>
</ol>

<p>On one situation, when I was told they couldn’t do anything (by the assistant principal), I contacted the county office and asked whom I should contact. They were suprised that the school couldn’t handle it. The principal called me, and was perturbed that I’d contacted the county. I pointed out that her assistant said the school was powerless, so why should I go to the principal if that were the case? She backed down because she didn’t want to say to me that the AP was wrong.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>I occasionally got a comment such as, “You need to let your child handle this. They need to learn responsibility, yada, yada, yada…” Depending upon the situation, my response might be: “He tried and got no where” or “I feel my child’s responsibility at school is to learn. I feel this situation is one that is more appropriately handled by adults.”</p></li>
<li><p>Try to include solutions that allow for everybody to win. Show how the school will benefit (or save money!)</p></li>
<li><p>And lastly, sometimes I learned I was wrong. If I don’t go in too arrogant or bull-headed, I can make a more graceful exit when I find out that I’m being unreasonable.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>My kids were good students. That helped. I also learned to pick my battles. I had three kids, and multiple foster kids, so just saving my involvement for the “big stuff” still meant frequent contact. I often asked myself if I felt this would affect my kid in any permanent negative way, or if it would have ramifications down the road (like for college). That helped me decide how important it was.</p>

<p>I was also very involved otherwise - I substitute taught, was active in the PTA, volunteered in the classroom, etc. In hindsight, I think I should have chosen jobs where I got to be nicer to everyone! (I was PTA treasurer, which meant saying no to a lot of people. I should have been the “teacher appreciation chairperson” or something!)</p>

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<p>Binx-Great suggestions. H actually offered to go with me once when I met with the HS principal and I said no. Looking back, I should have agreed (btw the principal had the head GC there so I was outnumbered).</p>

<p>I had never thought of bringing a letter to leave with them or the follow up email. Very smart.</p>

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<p>I’ve had to talk to the principal twice and both times have been disastrous. Disastrous, but glorious. </p>

<p>After a teacher, who was already on probationary status (and since fired, yeah!), gave S a daily grade of 0 and a major test grade of 0 because he away on a school sanctioned event (required attendance for another class). I told the asst. principal I had taken him to school early twice the week before to take the test but each time she wouldn’t let him take it. She claimed that by now it was past the 4 day make-up time limit. Well, of course it was since she kept putting S off and then I had to make an appoint with the office. The asst. principal sided with the teacher because I should have told him sooner (sooner how?) so I gave her S’s extra credit project in front of him and out of spite she give him a bad grade for it which lowered his class grade even more. BTW, prior to that, S had the highest grade in the class. There was no other section to transfer him into so we chalked it up to a lesson learned. Later, when she was fired, I went to the supt. who sent me back to the principal. The principal claimed he couldn’t do anything and when I called him on the reasons he fired her he said, “you’re a real b…, uh assertive.” I smiled my toothiest grin and thanked him. The zeros remain. </p>

<p>The other time, hubby and I visited with the other asst. principal over S getting punished because some other kid was messing with his stuff. The asst. principal immediately understood the wrong kid had been punished and everything was fine, but the principal walked in and turned the whole thing around again. Within a couple minutes, he had the asst. principal literally getting smaller and smaller cowering behind his desk and was standing over hubby hollering. Me, I was staring a hole in the floor so as not to burst out laughing, lol. The principal started spouting off about the law and charges (where he got off on that, no one knows) and hubby quietly corrected him and informed him he’d spent xx years in law. Principal then hollered hubby was a bully. Hubby slowly stood up and calmly told the principal to leave the room on his own or he would escort him out. Principal left on his own. What’s that old saying about short comings?</p>

<p>In answer to your question - It’s the rare principal who listens. Do what you can without putting a target on your child and count the days until graduation.</p>

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<p>We’ve had to deal with principals a few times as homeschoolers and my impression of principals is that they are run like small kingdoms where the principal deals with all non-staff persons like children. Fortunately we mainly deal with the assistant superintendents and they have been wonderful to work with. We’ve always been treated on an equal footing as educators by the assistant superintendents. That may be a way to deal with a principal.</p>

<p>I also work with a town council member, a school board member and the spouse of a school board member so I could always bring concerns to them but I’ve never needed to.</p>

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<p>I have noticed in a past that suggesting that kid might leave school works much better than anything else. I felt using this blackmail is my real “veto” power. I am talking about small private school, where losing one of the top students might make a difference.</p>